Shameless

1Episode #1.1

On a night out with neighbor Veronica, Fiona's bag is stolen and handsome stranger Steve chases after the thief. While he isn't successful in capturing the thief he does succeed in capturing the eye of Fiona, she invites him home to meet the rest of the Gallagher family. Lip discovers a hidden folder full of gay magazines belonging to brother Ian and attempts to "test" him with a trip to Karen Jackson's house but things don't go according to plan when Karen's dad Eddie walks in and realizes whats going on. After chasing Lip and Ian away Eddie returns to collect his stuff and storms out leaving wife Sheila heartbroken. Lip gets Karen's verdict on her earlier test on Ian and the results disappoint him. Steve attempts to win Fiona's heart with a new washing machine, but soon realizes she can't be bought. Lip is furious when he discovers his brother has been sleeping with a married man, who happens to have kids. Steve comes clean with Fiona about how he really earns his living after taking her out for a meal and finally wins her over. Lip has a heart to heart with Ian and accepts the fact that he's definitely gay.

2Episode #1.2

Steve reacts furiously when Frank becomes violent towards Ian, the two argue and are split up by the others before disappearing into the night. When Frank fails to return home on giro day the Gallaghers fear the worst and their worries aren't helped by reports of a body fitting Frank's description being found in a near by river, but it turns out to be a PR stunt by local police. Frank wakes up on a park bench in France with no idea how he got there and when he scares local residents trying to find out the time he ends up in a French jail. When news of Frank's predicament gets back to the estate Kev & Veronica agree to drive to France to bring Frank back. On his return to Chatsworth, an unamused Frank is greeted by locals with French flags. When Fiona refuses to kick Steve out for his part in the fiasco, Frank decides his family don't respect him and after venting his rage in a quick tour of Manchester he heads for the Jockey and a discussion with a fellow local sees Frank leave the Gallagher household for good as he moves in with agoraphobic Sheila.

3Episode #1.3

A female customer at the Jockey tries to attract the attention of barman Kev, but uninterested he lies and says he's getting married to his long term girlfriend Veronica shortly. Unfortunately for him, a drunken Frank overhears and the news is around the packed pub within seconds. As Jez gets the bubbly out and the jockey goes into celebration mode Kev ends up drunk and staggers home to pop the question to Veronica, but when he wakes in the morning and realizes what he's done he decides to come clean and admit to Veronica that he's already married. Veronica soon accepts they wont be able to get married, but when an excited Carol appears and informs her that her father left her money to pay for her wedding, they decide to fake it and use the money to pay off their home. Meanwhile Ian attracts the attention of female classmate Mandy, but when her advances are rejected she sets her wild brothers on him. The fake wedding plan hits the rocks when Veronica's crazy brother, Marty, escapes from jail. He locks himself into the bathroom and threatens to set Veronica's dress alight after she refuses to let him attend the wedding. Ian decides there's only one way to get Mandy's brother off his back and admits to her that he's gay. Veronica tricks Marty into leaving the bathroom and knocks him out before heading off to get married, but when he appears at the reception and sets the toilets on fire Kev and Veronica are forced to foot the bill and their dreams of owning their home are ruined.

4Episode #1.4

The Gallaghers find it funny when Debbie reveals she's committed theft, but the laughing is abruptly ended when they discover its a child shes stolen. While the Gallaghers, Kev & Veronica hatch a plan to return kidnapped Jody to his parents, Frank turns the worried locals into a lynch mob who roam the estate looking for possible suspects, singling out anyone who looks remotely different and lashing out at them. While ice-cream man Alec and hippy Pete feel the wrath of the enraged mob the plan involving super hero costumers, vandalism of nearby phone boxes and lots of lying is comes off and the day is saved with Debbie taking the plaudits from the police and locals.

5Episode #1.5

6Episode #1.6

7Episode #1.7

1Episode #2.0

2Episode #2.1

3Episode #2.2

4Episode #2.3

5Episode #2.4

6Episode #2.5

7Episode #2.6

8Episode #2.7

9Episode #2.8

10Episode #2.9

11Episode #2.10

1Episode #3.1

2Episode #3.2

3Episode #3.3

Mandy goes into labour after a run in with a masked robber inside the corner shop. Lip desperately wants to visit his new daughter, but will Mandy's parents allow the visit? And if not, just what will it take for Lip to prove himself to them. Meanwhile, Kev has a sure bet on a horse which will rake him and Veronica in a wad of cash if it wins. Trouble is the entire estate, egged on by Frank, gets to hear about the sure bet lowering the odds for Kev and Veronica.

4Episode #3.4

5Episode #3.5

6Episode #3.6

The Gallagher clan can't believe it when Carl starts to bring money into the household - but his mini-enterprise involves growing cannabis for the Maguires and the police are quick to bust him. Lip is jealous when Mandy gets a new boyfriend and he later discovers that she was the brains behind Carl's business.

7Episode #3.7

8Episode #3.8

The day of Frank and Sheila's wedding draws near. Sheila decides to have a conservatory built in the back garden in time for the wedding reception, but she suddenly changes her mind when the builders explain that they'll need to dig under the patio to lay the foundations. A tearful Sheila tells Frank that she buried her first husband, Sheldon, in the garden after he died suddenly. But was his death an accident or murder?

1Episode #4.1

2Episode #4.2

3Episode #4.3

4Episode #4.4

5Episode #4.5

6Episode #4.6

7Episode #4.7

8Episode #4.8

2Episode #5.2

3Episode #5.3

4Episode #5.4

5Episode #5.5

6Episode #5.6

7Episode #5.7

8Episode #5.8

9Episode #5.9

10Episode #5.10

11Episode #5.11

12Episode #5.12

13Episode #5.13

14Episode #5.14

15Episode #5.15

16Episode #5.16

1Episode #6.1

2Episode #6.2

3Episode #6.3

4Episode #6.4

5Episode #6.5

6Episode #6.6

7Episode #6.7

8Episode #6.8

9Episode #6.9

10Episode #6.10

11Episode #6.11

12Episode #6.12

13Episode #6.13

14Episode #6.14

15Episode #6.15

16Episode #6.16

1Episode #7.1

2Episode #7.2

3Episode #7.3

4Episode #7.4

5Episode #7.5

7Episode #7.7

8Episode #7.8

9Episode #7.9

10Episode #7.10

11Episode #7.11

12Episode #7.12

13Episode #7.13

14Episode #7.14

15Episode #7.15

16Episode #7.16

1Episode #8.1

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

2Episode #8.2

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

3Episode #8.3

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

4Episode #8.4

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are All Right".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

5Episode #8.5

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

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We open with a pre-recorded bit, in which Jane Lynch sits down with the faux-President of Television, Leonard Nimoy, who tells her that men find her woman-ish and women find her man-ish. (Alec Baldwin had taped this, but quit when Fox cut a News Corp joke. It's hard not to think Baldwin's comedic timing might have served the bit better than Nimoy's.)Leonard reminds her not to let the audience know that all the stars all live together in a tiny apartment building, which he reveals behind the curtain. Yes, it's weird. Then it's time for the song, about the magic of television as Jane wanders through.Jeremy Piven and "Lloyd" (Rex Lee) join for a few dance moves, after which Piven wonders what he's doing. "I'm not even on anymore!" Jane sings about TV crime shows and we see Kevin Nealon, then Eric Dane from "Grey's Anatomy" as she sings about patients being cured in a week. Jane next wanders into "The Big Bang Theory", then by Marcel from "Top Chef", Randy Jackson from "American Idol," the boys from "Myth Busters" and up to Ron from "Parks and Rec" who tells her to stop singing."I know this seems stupid and shlocky, and already seems overly long, but it's the Emmys, c'mon! Get on board," Jane tells him.And then she sings some more, not taking her own analysis to heart, walking by Andy Richter and the cast of "Mad Men". She tells them about the future, including that people can watch TV on their phones and fast forward through commercials. Don Draper kicks her out.There's a line about on TV high school students look roughly 24 as she walks by a few "Friday Night Lights"ers in a locker room.Then it's Jane into a rally hosted by her "Glee" alter-ego, Sue Sylvester, whom she promptly slushies.Then we're into the auditorium, where the number continues, as Jane sings about TV as a vast wonderland. ("Except for HBO, it's not TV")The dancers lift her in the air for the big finish. "Try doing that in triple-Spanx," she says. She surveys the audience, picking out her "nodding friends," and noting that "Jon Hamm and I are at 'finger-pistols'."Jane introduces "The Emmy Tones," some actors she roped into joining her, including Zachary Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji Henson, Kate Flannery, Wilmer Valderrama and Joel McHale, presumably friends she had some dirt on. They sing to introduce the first comedy category. The audience doesn't seem to know what to do with it, but at least is happy to know what Wilmer Valderrama is up to.We see seconds-long clips from a slew of shows, then it's on to Jimmys Fallon and Kimmel.Kimmel congratulates Fallon on his nomination, then asks if he wrote a speech. Fallon says no, because they all know Jon Stewart is going to win. Kimmel then tackles him him to the ground, wresting the prepared speech from his pocket. It contains "notes to self" such as crying on cue and holding the statue like it's the "Lion King" baby.On to best supporting actress in a comedy, Jane Lynch's category. Julie Bowen from "Modern Family" wins."I don't know what I'm going to talk about next week in therapy now," she says, struggling to compose herself.Juliana Margulies is out next to present "Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy", deadpanning that she's the funniest woman in TV. She notes the category features "that kid from 'Glee' and that guy from 'Pretty in Pink' and four guys from 'Modern Family," she says.The winner is: Ty Burrell from "Modern Family". He mentions that his dad passed away before he had success and he wonders what he'd think of the fact he goes to work every day in full make-up. Then he thanks all his costars and mentions his dad again. "If he were here tonight, I think he would say... 'But why the make-up?'." His dad would like his wife and be impressed that he gets to learn every day, "in the end I think he'd feel like, 'Couldn't you just wear a little powder? Why do you have to look like a harlot?'"Jane welcomes us back and introduces controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais, via satellite. He apologizes that he couldn't be there, and says he wasn't allowed after the Globes. This sets up his bit, that he was warned he'll be edited if he says anything controversial. Some quick cuts ensue, including one that has him calling Fox fantastic in splices.He intros the nominees for "Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series". The Emmy goes to Michael Alan Spiller for "Modern Family".Zooey Deschanel and Will Arnett are up to present comedy writing. The winners are Steven Levitan and Jeffrey Richman of "Modern Family." The Steven mentions the episode with the kids walking in on their parents came from real life (his wife's eye roll in the audience gets the biggest laugh of the speech).That's four awards, all to the same ABC show. Fox, which is airing the telecast, must be thrilled.Jane welcomes us back to "The Modern Family Awards". She introduces the next presenter, saying she was his therapist for many years "and apparently I suck." Ladies and Gentlemen, Charlie Sheen, to present "Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series", his old category. He addresses his former "Two and a Half Men" costars, and says from the bottom of his heart, he wishes them continued success. There is no punchline, but plenty of awkward.The winner is Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory". (The announcer who has been offering banal facts as the winners walk up mentions that he eats a lot of peanut butter.)"Oh this is so odd for so many reasons," says the CBS star, going on to not make much more sense as Sheen, the former CBS star, lurks behind him.Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe are out next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in Comedy", they start with Amy Poehler from "Parks & Recreation" and she takes the stage. She's joined by Melissa McCarthy, Martha Plimpton, Edie Falco,Tina Fey and Laura Linney. They hold hold hands like beauty queens and wait. They get a standing ovation as everyone tries to figure out if the bit was planned.The winner is Melissa McCarthy from "Mike and Molly" who can fairly clearly be seen to say "holy s---" when her name is announced. She's presented with roses and a tiara to go with her award."Holy smokes!" she says, acknowledging her sister in the audience. She promises to carry CBS prez Nina Tassler and Les Moonves around later that night.We return to a pre-recorded bit with stars from "The Office" talking about the worst part of their job. Then others stop by, like Jesse (Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad") to bring Creed a bag. He takes it, announcing: "Hey guys, my crystal meth is here!"Kim Kardashian doesn't understand the question and wonders if she's pronouncing "work" right."The Office" mates confer and decide the new boss doesn't seem right, Andy goes to talk to him and finds Ashton Kutcher, wondering if the "beautiful drifter" is in the wrong place.Kutcher plays dumb. "I was wondering where the half man was," he says.The Emmy Tones are back to sing awkwardly about the new combined reality and variety category.Jane Lynch returns. "Everyone was asking me if I have a gay agenda for hosting, and actually I do," she says, taking a list out of her pocket to read from. "Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is, take the pick-up in for an oil change - nah, I'll do that myself. And there was a third thing, but I must have left it in my fanny pack."David Spade and Kaley Cuoco are out next to introduce best outstanding reality competition. (She towers over him.) The Emmy goes to "Amazing Race" again. (The announcer says it's a "race to the podium". Groan.)On to best writing for a variety, music or comedy series. The Colbert Report writers shout their name all at once, SNL's scroll with pictures of Justin Timberlake, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon rolls with puppies dressed up, Jon Stewart's crew does mock up of Newsweek's cover and Conan O'Brien pulls one name from a hat - his."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" wins. It's the show's seventh win. The writers read a stilted thank you, the joke of which is that Jon Stewart usually proofs their writing, but not this time.Jane wanders the audience, talking to the camera, mentioning that after the show the clothes come off and it's a big sweaty pile. She introduces "The Lonely Island" and Michael Bolton. They're on to the Bolton doing captain Jack Sparrow, then Ed Helms, John Stamos and Maya Rudolph doing the "D--- in a box" guys singing "It's Not Gay if It's in a Threeway" (might have to YouTube that for it to make sense). Then Akon comes out singing about just having sex in front of a giant American Flag.Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder are out next to introduce best directing for variety, music or comedy series. The winner is Don Roy King for the "Saturday Night Live" episode with Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga.Anna Paquin and Scott Caan introduce outstanding comedy, variety series, mentioning that "The Daily Show" has won eight years in a row. It wins again.Jon Stewart is taller than Scott Caan.He gives a special nod to Colbert.More Emmy Tones, introducing drama clips.Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are out next to present best writing for a drama. Kutcher clarifies that he is not Charlie Sheen and doesn't think Cryer is a troll. The Emmy goes to Jason Katims for "Friday Night Lights".He reads from notes, thanking the cast and crew and his family, ending with the predictable "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."The award for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series is next. Margo Martindale wins for "Justified". When she takes careful steps up the stage, Ed O'Neill rushes from the audience to help her."Sometimes, things just take time," she says through tears. Her co-stars in the audience are in tears, too. She thanks creator Graham Yost, even though he killed her.Loretta Devine and Paul Crane are out to present drama directing. The winner is Martin Scorsese for "Boardwalk Empire", his first Emmy win.He sees the clock ticking down and resolves to talk a little fast, rattling off names of folks at HBO and his crew.Kerry Washington and Jason O'Mara are out next delivering a rough bit on the side effects of winning an Emmy before "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series".The winner is Peter Dinklage from "Game of Thrones". He thanks his show creators, somewhat calmly. He thanks his dog sitter named Kitty for taking care of his dog Kevin back in New York.When we return, Anderson Cooper does a fake 360 report about a woman behind the New Jersey TV trend, Donatella, Alberghetti Mangiana D'Borgia, or Jane Lynch in a black win and tons of eye make up. She takes credit for the fact 50 percent of all TV is set in Jersey, including "Sarah Palin's Alaska."The kids from "Jersey Shore" give interviews. "Before I met Donatella, I was just Nicole, a Harvard undergrad. And now I'm Snooki," Snooki attests."She's like a mother to me, because she killed my mother," Pauly says.Brian Cranston and Katie Holmes are up next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series". The winner is...Julianna Marguiles for "The Good Wife".She addresses her fellow nominees, saying it's a privilege to be among them. She thanks her creators and writers and the CBS folk, "thank you for allowing us to be the show that we are." She tells her husband "I love being your 'good wife' and I'm so grateful you have no political aspirations."The stars of "Charlie's Angels" are out next with former "Angel" Drew Barrymore to introduce best actor.The winner is...Kyle Chandler. Minka Kelly, his former costar, presents him with the award. "I knew for a fact that I would not be standing here, so I did not write anything. And now I'm starting to worry," he says, before thanking his reps and casting director and all the people who filled the stands around Texas.The Emmy Tones sing about mini-series and movies before being interrupted by LL Cool J rapping over them. In a change of pace for him, he does not remove his shirt.Jane Lynch returns with: "A lot of people wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of 'Entourage'." They're introducing the miniseries, movie or special - all of the nominees from HBO or PBS. The Emmy goes to Julian Fellowes for "Downton Abbey" on PBS. (The insipid announcer says Julian is British and from England.)Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries goes to Maggie Smith, who is not in attendance.The accountants from Ernst & Young are out next, but it's really Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul."Me, an accountant? I can barely balance my checkbook," Lynch says."I can barely balance," Abdul offers.Jane introduces the real guys, then it's on to Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler, who note what a good year it was for male roles. They congratulate them on finally breaking through the glass ceiling and tell them not to be afraid to show a little skin.The introduce lead actor in a miniseries, which goes to Barry Pepper. He is also not there. On to directing in the category.The winner is Brian Percival for "Downton Abbey". Uses his acceptance speech as a chance to make sure your DVR is set up to record the premieres this week. He pretty much just says thanks.The chairman of the Television Academy of Arts and Science is out next for the In Memoriam segment, including Stephen J. Cannell. Some guys sing "Hallelujah" as the names roll including Harold Gould, Peter Falk, James Arness, Blake Edwards, Barbara Billingsley, Leslie Nielsen, Tom Bosley, Ryan Dunn, "Uncle Frank", Andy Whitfield, Jill Clayburgh, Laura Ziskin and Bubba Smith.Anna Torv and David Boreanaz are out next to present best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie (Torv also acknowledges the singers were the Canadian Tenors).The winner is Guy Pearce for "Mildred Pierce"."It was really a delightful experience making Mildred Pierce, I got to have sex with Kate Winslet every day...To Kate, thank you for allowing me to insert myself into your world of Mildred, and to my wife Kate who had to listen to me talk about that every day when I came home from work," he says.Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes are up next to present outstanding actress in a miniseries.The winner is Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce." She hugs her costars and takes the stage, saying she didn't think they were going to win anything. She thanks the cast and her own mother, saying it doesn't matter how old you get, you always need your "mum."Jane comes back, noting that so many movies stars are doing TV these days that TV stars have to go do voices for video games, which are then made into movies, staring the very people who are putting the TV stars out of work in the first place. "Hakuna matata, my friends. That's the circle of life," she says.Out next is Don Cheadle, for Outstanding Mini-Series or Movie. "Downton Abbey" wins. Julian Fellowes says it's hard to know what will be a hit, but this evening validates that something did.Maria Bello and William H. Macy are out next for Outstanding Drama Series. The nominees are Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and Mad Men.The Emmy goes to "Mad Men." Again. Fourth year in a row.Creator Matthew Weiner accepts. He says he didn't think they were going to win, but thanks AMC and the fans and his writing staff. "We all get to work tomorrow and that's all we ever want to do. For us and our families, this is an incredible dream," he says.Gwyneth Paltrow is up next to present Outstanding Comedy."Ok, the prompter's down, so I'm going to wing it: Here are the nominees for best comedy series," she says, showing no great skill at improv. The nominees are The Big Bang Theory, Glee, Modern Family, The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.The Emmy goes to "Modern Family" for the second year in a row.Steven Levitan says that everyone on the stage knows what it's like to have a show tank, so they especially appreciate it. He takes special note of the kids in the cast. "'Modern Family' was this close to being animated, that's how much we didn't want to work with kids," he says, before praising them.He also mentions a gay couple who approached them on location last year and thanked them for teaching people tolerance. Levitan says they are doing that. "We are showing the world that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a loving committed relationship between an old man and a hot young woman, and looking around this room tonight I see many of you agree," he says."Thank you all very, very much," he says.Jane comes back to sign off, with the Emmy Tones, who can at least be glad their faces were never shown in close-up.

16Episode #8.16

We open with a pre-recorded bit, in which Jane Lynch sits down with the faux-President of Television, Leonard Nimoy, who tells her that men find her woman-ish and women find her man-ish. (Alec Baldwin had taped this, but quit when Fox cut a News Corp joke. It's hard not to think Baldwin's comedic timing might have served the bit better than Nimoy's.)Leonard reminds her not to let the audience know that all the stars all live together in a tiny apartment building, which he reveals behind the curtain. Yes, it's weird. Then it's time for the song, about the magic of television as Jane wanders through.Jeremy Piven and "Lloyd" (Rex Lee) join for a few dance moves, after which Piven wonders what he's doing. "I'm not even on anymore!" Jane sings about TV crime shows and we see Kevin Nealon, then Eric Dane from "Grey's Anatomy" as she sings about patients being cured in a week. Jane next wanders into "The Big Bang Theory", then by Marcel from "Top Chef", Randy Jackson from "American Idol," the boys from "Myth Busters" and up to Ron from "Parks and Rec" who tells her to stop singing."I know this seems stupid and shlocky, and already seems overly long, but it's the Emmys, c'mon! Get on board," Jane tells him.And then she sings some more, not taking her own analysis to heart, walking by Andy Richter and the cast of "Mad Men". She tells them about the future, including that people can watch TV on their phones and fast forward through commercials. Don Draper kicks her out.There's a line about on TV high school students look roughly 24 as she walks by a few "Friday Night Lights"ers in a locker room.Then it's Jane into a rally hosted by her "Glee" alter-ego, Sue Sylvester, whom she promptly slushies.Then we're into the auditorium, where the number continues, as Jane sings about TV as a vast wonderland. ("Except for HBO, it's not TV")The dancers lift her in the air for the big finish. "Try doing that in triple-Spanx," she says. She surveys the audience, picking out her "nodding friends," and noting that "Jon Hamm and I are at 'finger-pistols'."Jane introduces "The Emmy Tones," some actors she roped into joining her, including Zachary Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji Henson, Kate Flannery, Wilmer Valderrama and Joel McHale, presumably friends she had some dirt on. They sing to introduce the first comedy category. The audience doesn't seem to know what to do with it, but at least is happy to know what Wilmer Valderrama is up to.We see seconds-long clips from a slew of shows, then it's on to Jimmys Fallon and Kimmel.Kimmel congratulates Fallon on his nomination, then asks if he wrote a speech. Fallon says no, because they all know Jon Stewart is going to win. Kimmel then tackles him him to the ground, wresting the prepared speech from his pocket. It contains "notes to self" such as crying on cue and holding the statue like it's the "Lion King" baby.On to best supporting actress in a comedy, Jane Lynch's category. Julie Bowen from "Modern Family" wins."I don't know what I'm going to talk about next week in therapy now," she says, struggling to compose herself.Juliana Margulies is out next to present "Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy", deadpanning that she's the funniest woman in TV. She notes the category features "that kid from 'Glee' and that guy from 'Pretty in Pink' and four guys from 'Modern Family," she says.The winner is: Ty Burrell from "Modern Family". He mentions that his dad passed away before he had success and he wonders what he'd think of the fact he goes to work every day in full make-up. Then he thanks all his costars and mentions his dad again. "If he were here tonight, I think he would say... 'But why the make-up?'." His dad would like his wife and be impressed that he gets to learn every day, "in the end I think he'd feel like, 'Couldn't you just wear a little powder? Why do you have to look like a harlot?'"Jane welcomes us back and introduces controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais, via satellite. He apologizes that he couldn't be there, and says he wasn't allowed after the Globes. This sets up his bit, that he was warned he'll be edited if he says anything controversial. Some quick cuts ensue, including one that has him calling Fox fantastic in splices.He intros the nominees for "Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series". The Emmy goes to Michael Alan Spiller for "Modern Family".Zooey Deschanel and Will Arnett are up to present comedy writing. The winners are Steven Levitan and Jeffrey Richman of "Modern Family." The Steven mentions the episode with the kids walking in on their parents came from real life (his wife's eye roll in the audience gets the biggest laugh of the speech).That's four awards, all to the same ABC show. Fox, which is airing the telecast, must be thrilled.Jane welcomes us back to "The Modern Family Awards". She introduces the next presenter, saying she was his therapist for many years "and apparently I suck." Ladies and Gentlemen, Charlie Sheen, to present "Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series", his old category. He addresses his former "Two and a Half Men" costars, and says from the bottom of his heart, he wishes them continued success. There is no punchline, but plenty of awkward.The winner is Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory". (The announcer who has been offering banal facts as the winners walk up mentions that he eats a lot of peanut butter.)"Oh this is so odd for so many reasons," says the CBS star, going on to not make much more sense as Sheen, the former CBS star, lurks behind him.Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe are out next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in Comedy", they start with Amy Poehler from "Parks & Recreation" and she takes the stage. She's joined by Melissa McCarthy, Martha Plimpton, Edie Falco,Tina Fey and Laura Linney. They hold hold hands like beauty queens and wait. They get a standing ovation as everyone tries to figure out if the bit was planned.The winner is Melissa McCarthy from "Mike and Molly" who can fairly clearly be seen to say "holy s---" when her name is announced. She's presented with roses and a tiara to go with her award."Holy smokes!" she says, acknowledging her sister in the audience. She promises to carry CBS prez Nina Tassler and Les Moonves around later that night.We return to a pre-recorded bit with stars from "The Office" talking about the worst part of their job. Then others stop by, like Jesse (Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad") to bring Creed a bag. He takes it, announcing: "Hey guys, my crystal meth is here!"Kim Kardashian doesn't understand the question and wonders if she's pronouncing "work" right."The Office" mates confer and decide the new boss doesn't seem right, Andy goes to talk to him and finds Ashton Kutcher, wondering if the "beautiful drifter" is in the wrong place.Kutcher plays dumb. "I was wondering where the half man was," he says.The Emmy Tones are back to sing awkwardly about the new combined reality and variety category.Jane Lynch returns. "Everyone was asking me if I have a gay agenda for hosting, and actually I do," she says, taking a list out of her pocket to read from. "Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is, take the pick-up in for an oil change - nah, I'll do that myself. And there was a third thing, but I must have left it in my fanny pack."David Spade and Kaley Cuoco are out next to introduce best outstanding reality competition. (She towers over him.) The Emmy goes to "Amazing Race" again. (The announcer says it's a "race to the podium". Groan.)On to best writing for a variety, music or comedy series. The Colbert Report writers shout their name all at once, SNL's scroll with pictures of Justin Timberlake, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon rolls with puppies dressed up, Jon Stewart's crew does mock up of Newsweek's cover and Conan O'Brien pulls one name from a hat - his."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" wins. It's the show's seventh win. The writers read a stilted thank you, the joke of which is that Jon Stewart usually proofs their writing, but not this time.Jane wanders the audience, talking to the camera, mentioning that after the show the clothes come off and it's a big sweaty pile. She introduces "The Lonely Island" and Michael Bolton. They're on to the Bolton doing captain Jack Sparrow, then Ed Helms, John Stamos and Maya Rudolph doing the "D--- in a box" guys singing "It's Not Gay if It's in a Threeway" (might have to YouTube that for it to make sense). Then Akon comes out singing about just having sex in front of a giant American Flag.Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder are out next to introduce best directing for variety, music or comedy series. The winner is Don Roy King for the "Saturday Night Live" episode with Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga.Anna Paquin and Scott Caan introduce outstanding comedy, variety series, mentioning that "The Daily Show" has won eight years in a row. It wins again.Jon Stewart is taller than Scott Caan.He gives a special nod to Colbert.More Emmy Tones, introducing drama clips.Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are out next to present best writing for a drama. Kutcher clarifies that he is not Charlie Sheen and doesn't think Cryer is a troll. The Emmy goes to Jason Katims for "Friday Night Lights".He reads from notes, thanking the cast and crew and his family, ending with the predictable "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."The award for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series is next. Margo Martindale wins for "Justified". When she takes careful steps up the stage, Ed O'Neill rushes from the audience to help her."Sometimes, things just take time," she says through tears. Her co-stars in the audience are in tears, too. She thanks creator Graham Yost, even though he killed her.Loretta Devine and Paul Crane are out to present drama directing. The winner is Martin Scorsese for "Boardwalk Empire", his first Emmy win.He sees the clock ticking down and resolves to talk a little fast, rattling off names of folks at HBO and his crew.Kerry Washington and Jason O'Mara are out next delivering a rough bit on the side effects of winning an Emmy before "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series".The winner is Peter Dinklage from "Game of Thrones". He thanks his show creators, somewhat calmly. He thanks his dog sitter named Kitty for taking care of his dog Kevin back in New York.When we return, Anderson Cooper does a fake 360 report about a woman behind the New Jersey TV trend, Donatella, Alberghetti Mangiana D'Borgia, or Jane Lynch in a black win and tons of eye make up. She takes credit for the fact 50 percent of all TV is set in Jersey, including "Sarah Palin's Alaska."The kids from "Jersey Shore" give interviews. "Before I met Donatella, I was just Nicole, a Harvard undergrad. And now I'm Snooki," Snooki attests."She's like a mother to me, because she killed my mother," Pauly says.Brian Cranston and Katie Holmes are up next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series". The winner is...Julianna Marguiles for "The Good Wife".She addresses her fellow nominees, saying it's a privilege to be among them. She thanks her creators and writers and the CBS folk, "thank you for allowing us to be the show that we are." She tells her husband "I love being your 'good wife' and I'm so grateful you have no political aspirations."The stars of "Charlie's Angels" are out next with former "Angel" Drew Barrymore to introduce best actor.The winner is...Kyle Chandler. Minka Kelly, his former costar, presents him with the award. "I knew for a fact that I would not be standing here, so I did not write anything. And now I'm starting to worry," he says, before thanking his reps and casting director and all the people who filled the stands around Texas.The Emmy Tones sing about mini-series and movies before being interrupted by LL Cool J rapping over them. In a change of pace for him, he does not remove his shirt.Jane Lynch returns with: "A lot of people wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of 'Entourage'." They're introducing the miniseries, movie or special - all of the nominees from HBO or PBS. The Emmy goes to Julian Fellowes for "Downton Abbey" on PBS. (The insipid announcer says Julian is British and from England.)Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries goes to Maggie Smith, who is not in attendance.The accountants from Ernst & Young are out next, but it's really Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul."Me, an accountant? I can barely balance my checkbook," Lynch says."I can barely balance," Abdul offers.Jane introduces the real guys, then it's on to Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler, who note what a good year it was for male roles. They congratulate them on finally breaking through the glass ceiling and tell them not to be afraid to show a little skin.The introduce lead actor in a miniseries, which goes to Barry Pepper. He is also not there. On to directing in the category.The winner is Brian Percival for "Downton Abbey". Uses his acceptance speech as a chance to make sure your DVR is set up to record the premieres this week. He pretty much just says thanks.The chairman of the Television Academy of Arts and Science is out next for the In Memoriam segment, including Stephen J. Cannell. Some guys sing "Hallelujah" as the names roll including Harold Gould, Peter Falk, James Arness, Blake Edwards, Barbara Billingsley, Leslie Nielsen, Tom Bosley, Ryan Dunn, "Uncle Frank", Andy Whitfield, Jill Clayburgh, Laura Ziskin and Bubba Smith.Anna Torv and David Boreanaz are out next to present best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie (Torv also acknowledges the singers were the Canadian Tenors).The winner is Guy Pearce for "Mildred Pierce"."It was really a delightful experience making Mildred Pierce, I got to have sex with Kate Winslet every day...To Kate, thank you for allowing me to insert myself into your world of Mildred, and to my wife Kate who had to listen to me talk about that every day when I came home from work," he says.Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes are up next to present outstanding actress in a miniseries.The winner is Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce." She hugs her costars and takes the stage, saying she didn't think they were going to win anything. She thanks the cast and her own mother, saying it doesn't matter how old you get, you always need your "mum."Jane comes back, noting that so many movies stars are doing TV these days that TV stars have to go do voices for video games, which are then made into movies, staring the very people who are putting the TV stars out of work in the first place. "Hakuna matata, my friends. That's the circle of life," she says.Out next is Don Cheadle, for Outstanding Mini-Series or Movie. "Downton Abbey" wins. Julian Fellowes says it's hard to know what will be a hit, but this evening validates that something did.Maria Bello and William H. Macy are out next for Outstanding Drama Series. The nominees are Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and Mad Men.The Emmy goes to "Mad Men." Again. Fourth year in a row.Creator Matthew Weiner accepts. He says he didn't think they were going to win, but thanks AMC and the fans and his writing staff. "We all get to work tomorrow and that's all we ever want to do. For us and our families, this is an incredible dream," he says.Gwyneth Paltrow is up next to present Outstanding Comedy."Ok, the prompter's down, so I'm going to wing it: Here are the nominees for best comedy series," she says, showing no great skill at improv. The nominees are The Big Bang Theory, Glee, Modern Family, The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.The Emmy goes to "Modern Family" for the second year in a row.Steven Levitan says that everyone on the stage knows what it's like to have a show tank, so they especially appreciate it. He takes special note of the kids in the cast. "'Modern Family' was this close to being animated, that's how much we didn't want to work with kids," he says, before praising them.He also mentions a gay couple who approached them on location last year and thanked them for teaching people tolerance. Levitan says they are doing that. "We are showing the world that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a loving committed relationship between an old man and a hot young woman, and looking around this room tonight I see many of you agree," he says."Thank you all very, very much," he says.Jane comes back to sign off, with the Emmy Tones, who can at least be glad their faces were never shown in close-up.

17Episode #8.17

18Series 8 Episode 18 #8.18

19Episode #8.19

20Episode #8.20

21Episode #8.21

22Episode #8.22

1Episode #9.1

2Series 9 Episode 2 #9.02

3Episode #9.3

4Episode #9.4

5Episode #9.5

6Episode #9.6

7Episode #9.7

8Episode #9.8

9Episode #9.9

10Episode #9.10

11Episode #9.11

1Episode #10.1

Frank is having a terrible nightmare - he has been sentenced to life imprisonment and subject to the taunts of a sarcastic warder. But the reality,from Frank's viewpoint,is just as horrendous. The Department of Work and Pensions has finally caught up with him and considered him fit for work. His attempts to get Patty to injure him go wrong and he ends up working for World of Burgers. Shane and Jackson set up their own still,selling hooch to the pub and Mimi bribes them to employ Billy,who turns out to be more professional than imagined until he gets the mix wrong. Avril goes into business selling tablets to Patty,which has an odd effect on her.

2Episode #10.2

Frank does well at World of Burgers,becoming employee of the week and hits it off with colleagues and customers but not the sweaty manager Wesley,who makes him dress as a giant chicken to promote the place. Frank retaliates with a go-slow so Wesley promotes him to manager but,following an armed robbery by one of his acquaintances,Frank is demoted again. Karen is alarmed when her son Connor starts to draw penises on walls so Mimi,with the aid of a stolen library book,starts to give her lessons in motherhood. However,after a traumatic incident with her daughter Cilla,Mimi realises that child rearing cannot be conducted via books and that each case is different. Kelly,angry with Aiden for calling her an old prozzie, tries to teach him to respect women,ultimately becoming a surrogate mother figure for him.

3Episode #10.3

Whilst working as a handyman Marty meets Brazilian Aparecita,whom he believes is a domestic slave and spends three grand belonging to Lilian to 'free' her. As a solution Lilian employs her at the brothel,where she is very happy,but Marty's misguided attempts to liberate her further only end in her arrest. Gloria is appalled when Dominic brings home Hazel,the birth mother who gave her up for adoption whilst keeping her brother. Dominic is still his mother's darling and Hazel wants them to leave together but Dominic resists though at least the two women have a brief heart to heart before Hazel departs. Billy feels he is being walked over and uses a self help hypnosis tape with strange results whilst Shane,being distracted by a phone message from wanton cousin Ruby,runs over a pedestrian in his car.

4Episode #10.4

Short of cash Gloria gets a loan with a huge interest rate and gets drunk,waking up at Mimi's. Next day Billy finds a positive pregnancy test kit and,assuming Mimi is pregnant,gets advice from Jamie - who concludes that Gloria is actually pregnant after their fling. He offers her money for an abortion but,finding that the result was a false alarm, she rejects it. However Dominic gets Jamie to pay her to keep the secret from Karen. Chesney and Aidan are shocked when Jamie sends them to collect the meat for the pub raffle and end up with a live cow,which they call Alan. Too attached to it to kill it they let it go and buy in meat instead. Shane engineers a meeting with Ruthie,the widow of the man he ran over,whilst Avril annoys Jackson by clubbing with young colleague Calum but draws the line when the lad gets too serious.

5Episode #10.5

Calling himself Danny McKenzie Shane continues to befriend Ruthie,agreeing to help her choose a headstone for her dead husband Eddie. However not only does he face opposition from Ruthie's teen-aged son Sean,who masturbates in public,but is haunted by Eddie's abusive ghost. Finally,rather than admit the truth to Ruthie,he takes Kelly's advice and roughly breaks things off with her. Kelly herself and Lilian face opposition when the super-efficient Louise opens a rival brothel at knock-down prices,stealing away some of Lilian's regulars,including Frank. When Louise offers Kelly a job she takes the opportunity to spy on her rival and,having obtained the details of all of Louise's clients,uses a little blackmail to see off the opposition.

7Episode #10.7

Jackson and Shane are flourishing as wheeler dealers with stolen solar panels and food past its sell-by date. However when Shane,to Jackson's annoyance,starts to give away some left-overs to the homeless he has a queue of unemployed in the yard seeking hand-outs and agrees to donate food to the local Catholic priest. But the priest goes behind his back to steal his business,leaving Shane to resort to blackmail to get his livelihood back. Patty organizes coffee mornings for other elderly folk but is exposed as having played on their absent-mindedness to win money and jewellery from them by gambling. Soon she is reviled all over the estate but Kelly detects that she is cranking up the abuse to gain sympathy and forces her into a deal. Meanwhile Billy is having problems in the bedroom department which Lilian,Dominic and a little plain talking soon cure.

8Episode #10.8

Following the suicide of his old flame Alice, Dominic loses both his faith and the will to live and asks Frank to help him to kill himself. Frank,however,does his best to sabotage every attempt until eventually Dominic has an epiphany whilst sitting on the roof of a high building and decides to return to the land of the living,seeing it as his business to stop Avril's attempt to help her daughter Letitia lose her cherry. Meanwhile Lillian gets her own back on magistrate Malcolm,a client who has passed her off as his life coach to justify his expenses.

9Episode #10.9

Jamie is receiving death threats by letter and text and,after his lock-up is torched and Karen's blouse nailed to the door,suspects that one of the pub regulars is in league with his tormenters. After Karen is attacked he agrees to meet the gang responsible and give them two hundred thousand pounds to back off but is shocked when he discovers who is behind the threats. Whilst Frank,now sacked,claims he has had sex by proxy with all the estate through 'Sex Degrees of Separation' Avril wrongly diagnoses Patty with terminal leukaemia,which gives Patty the opportunity to insult the whole estate. However Avril has cause to think again when the real results come through.

10Episode #10.10

Frank is delegated to tell Patty she is terminally ill but she already knows and asks that he help her see Ireland before she dies. With no funds for the ferry trip he takes her to the beach at Waterloo,where she swears she can see the old country. At her request he leaves her alone and,on return,finds she has taken matters into her own hands. As Mimi prepares for her wedding anniversary her constant criticisms of Ruby's father lead Ruby to taking her hostage at knife-point with tragic consequences. Dominic takes brotherly love to a whole new level with Gloria but Jackson,aware of Avril's fling with young Calum from work,walks out on her.

1Episode #11.1

Mimi is now heading the PTA at the local school and twists Frank's arm into becoming the janitor so that he can pick the magic mushrooms in the adjoining field. This does allow him to finance his latest venture with the Gastric Bandits,prostitutes Sherilee and Derrilee. Following a riot on the discovery that the alleged genuine London Olympic ring awarded the estate is,due to a mix-up,a fraud, half the estate are arrested and given community service,which particularly rankles with Avril,who,after her husband's departure,has moved with Letitia into her snobbish sister Patreesha's house. Jamie discovers that Paddy was not his father and travels to Leeds to meet Kassi,his half-brother by their now deceased parent. The meeting does not go well and Jamie makes matters worse when Kassi comes to see him at the pub,throwing him out in anger. Shane,however,finds some contentment,with his new venture - a festival site - and an affair with a policewoman. Written by

2Episode #11.2

As Gloria and Dominic continue their incestuous affair the local school prepares for an inspection and Mimi offers headmaster Banbury advice though he suspects she is empire building. Come the inspection itself Mimi gets the inhabitants of the Chatsworth estate to pose as teachers and they do her proud,at the same time showing how to deal with the school's problem child Adam. The school is about to pass until a kitchen accident reveals junk food being bought in,Adam being behind the scam. However Mimi has another plan to stitch up the inspector and get the school through. Jamie,having initially antagonised Kassi,welcomes him for a return visit,admitting to him his criminal background though Kassi has a confession of his own to make. Ultimately the two young men discover that they can be friends after all. Written by

3Episode #11.3

Avril reluctantly allows Patreesha to throw her a women only birthday party whilst Mimi is asked by Banbury to help out Mrs Tattersall,a once brilliant teacher,who has now lost her confidence. Helped by drink and drugs Mimi turns her into a no-nonsense ,frightening carbon copy of herself but at the party,unsuccessfully gate-crashed by Frank in drag, Mrs Tattersall admits what is really grieving her - which Mimi is able to put right. Lillian asks Kelly and Marty to retrieve a case from a left luggage locker,containing her life savings of four thousand pounds. However they discover the amount is nearer to fifty thousand and decide to keep some of it to help get them away from the estate,getting Kassi to launder it for them. Lillian is not as innocent of the bag's contents as they thought though and tells Kelly all ties between them are now severed. Written by

4Episode #11.4

Jamie wakes up in Kassi's house after a night on the town to find police hammering at the door as Kassi is accused of money-laundering and fraud and his assets confiscated. Jamie is shocked when Kassi tells him of his plan to escape to France but,when this falls,he moves Kassi,his wife and children onto the Chatsworth estate,where they are generally made welcome. Mimi,however,recalling Kassi's father,is extremely hostile. With their mortgage application refused,Kelly and Marty,now outcasts for robbing Lilian, do exit the estate whilst Shane 's bizarre affair with policewoman Randall continues. Written by

5Episode #11.5

When Avril loses her job Patreesha insists she work at the car wash Patreesha owns with ex-husband Bernard. However Avril discovers that Bernard was gay and that his lover has been running the business. Determined not to be a sleeping partner Patreesha decides to take an active role and put her stamp on the car-wash. After a disaster with the freezer Chesney decides to refurbish the shop,adding a pharmacy,and brings in British Muslim Remona to run it. Soon he and Patreesha's daughter Mary Mae find evidence to suggest that Remona is making bombs and suspect she is a terrorist - though it turns it she is teaching boy scouts how to make soap. Kassi is arrested after a night out with Jamie and it is down to Jamie to look after his wife Esther and their children. Written by

6Episode #11.6

Aidan is looking after Stan,an elderly,ailing man who does not want to go on with life and kills himself. Fearing that he will be incriminated Aidan enlists the help of Billy,who is useless,and Dominic,who has practical ideas for a cover-up,but they are interrupted by Stan's daughter Angela who is aware of her father's suicidal longings and tells Aidan she knows he is innocent. When Aidan seems unusually flush and is seen driving Stan's car Dominic wonders if he is so innocent after all and informs the police who arrest Aidan. A talk with Angela convinces Dominic that he has been wrong and he owns up to the assisted suicide and is himself charged. Aidan bails him and he flees the estate as the truth of Stan's demise is eventually shown. The Blancos are now living in Avril's old house and Esther's children are concerned about her friendship with Frank. She claims that he is merely being helpful as a neighbour but is taken aback to find him in her bed in the nude. Written by

7Episode #11.7

Mary Mae and Chesney are mutually smitten but fear Patreesha's disapproval. After Avril starts work at the shop - and identifies some rather odd manufacturing by Remona - Letitia and Aidan read that an adrenalin rush will bring a man's passionate nature to the fore and stage a robbery whilst Mary Mae is in the shop. It works but for the wrong reasons when Mary Mae discovers that the thieves have genuinely spent the spoils and confesses everything to Chesney. Shane's music festival is all set to go until Lilian catches him having sex with WPC Randall and tells Mimi.Mimi is convinced her son is being used so the police can launch a drugs raid on the festival and orders him to end the affair. He refuses but the policewoman's love of kinky sex ends it anyway. Fearing antagonism from the family Shane considers calling off the event but Karen persuades him to go ahead with it and it is a success - as is his first attempt to have straightforward,non-kinky sex with his girl in blue. Written by

8Episode #11.8

Frank is dismayed to discover that Lip has been living nearby with his little daughter Katie but not bothered to visit though he has been in touch with Katie's maternal grandma,Mimi. He invites them to tea,which requires Esther's help in cleaning the filthy house and they meet Stella,Monica's youngest,whom he has been minding. Whilst Lip has fun with the other estate lads and Karen and Jamie welcome him at the Jockey Frank sulks. Worse is to come when Lip catches his father having sex with Derilee and Sherilee and,after getting drunk,decides he and Katie should leave. Thus,whilst all the Maguires are invited to Katie's confirmation Frank is absent. Written by

9Episode #11.9

Chesney is surprised when Remona's father Barry shows up as she had said that he was dead. He gives her a cheque for thirty grand from his house sale and endears himself to Jockey customers with his generosity and anecdotes but Remona is hostile. Learning that Mindy,Barry's new wife,has left him Chesney feels sorry for him but soon learns that Barry has lied about his relationship and joins Remona in helping Mindy escape her husband. Frank accompanies Esther to a Polish evening,hoping for free vodka,but her son Tam,in revenge for Frank stealing his stash of drugs,feeds everybody laxatives whilst WPC Randall becomes jealous of Esther's innocent chats with Shane. Billy gets a tattoo to impress Mimi but the result is a failure. Written by

10Episode #11.10

Hoping to gain respect on the estate Billy goes for a job selling security devices but after a conversation with the sympathetic waitress in the café next door ends up as a short order cook,maintaining the illusion to everybody but Aidan that he has the sales job. To get extra money he arranges for his house to be burgled to claim the insurance but is eventually found out though Mimi is pleased that he did it for her. Esther is shocked to find that Thalia is the school bully and goes around apologizing to everybody though it gets her into trouble from which her artful daughter extricates her with sympathy-gaining lies. Lilian meanwhile takes in Stella,as a result of which the brothel suffers an infestation of nits. Written by

11Episode #11.11

Patreesha's boyfriend Louis tells her he has arranged a singing tour of America for her but drops dead of a drug over-dose,leaving a case containing fifty thousand pounds. Patreesha and Avril attempt to cheat each other out of the money,Avril staging a false kidnap attempt involving Shane, but eventually they unite when they learn that Louis was actually a con artist who had cheated several women out of money with false promises of an American tour. Tam Blanco's obsession with stealing knickers from washing-lines meanwhile leads to Frank being wrongly accused of being a pervert. Written by

12Episode #11.12

Mimi decides she wants to retire from dealing and do something good for the community. Her idea is to endow a new gym for the local school. She becomes a tireless fund-raiser though the regulars at the Jockey are less than generous so Billy enlists Chesney and Aidan to help him commit a little robbery,hauling over nine thousand pounds. Karen and Jamie learn of the theft but Mimi sees it as a foundation and when Jamie and Shane work out that Billy was behind the robbery and capture him she frees him,ultimately using some blackmail to get her funds. Shane decides to end his affair with WPC Randall as it is purely sexual but discovers that she is very persistent.

13Episode #11.13

Gun-toting 'Biddy' Baxter arrives at Frank's house. He is Derilee's husband,anxious for her to return to him though she flatly refuses and soon the police are besieging the house with Frank,Stella and Derilee as Biddy's hostages after Biddy has accidentally shot a postman. News coverage brings Monica back to the estate. Courting press publicity she volunteers to be a hostage in Stella's place but,whilst she and Frank seem to get on,Derilee and Biddy's differences come to the fore. As the residents hold a party in the Jockey police storm the house but Biddy lies dead,shot by Derilee - in alleged self defence. She is not prosecuted and she and Sherilee leave the area. Written by

14Episode #11.14

Having served six months for benefit fraud Frank is discharged from jail to be welcomed by a heavily pregnant Monica,so pregnant that she gives birth in the Jockey. Soon she is suffering severe post-natal depression,upset that she had a termination that disposed of her surviving child's twin.With little help from Frank she summons Fiona,Lip and Carl for a show funeral for the dead child but Fiona,recognizing the inadequacy of her parents to raise more children,steals Stella and the baby and,helped by Lip,hides them with Kev Ball whilst she talks to Steve about housing them. Stella,babe in arms,wanders off,causing panic on the estate but she eventually tracks Frank down and cleverly forces him to publicly admit that he loves her. He takes the pair of them home,where there is a huge family row,which,in turn,leads to reconciliation and a celebration at the Jockey whilst another fight starts and the police are called - just like old times. Written by don @ minifie-1