QI

1Pilot

2Adam

Jimmy Fallon arrives to host the Emmys in a tiny tiny Smart car. He's carrying his tux and runs into the Glee folk out front. They tell him they can't afford to go to the Emmys and an intro premise is born. They'll put on a fundraiser. They run into Tina Fey. She's in!They run into Kate Gosselin. Awkward pause. They tell her they've got too many people - and then go for more people. They run into Jon Hamm practicing his dance moves with his instructor - Betty White. Then Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester from Glee) gives them a slushie in the face -- and wants in.Walk down the hall to Springsteen's "Born to Run" with Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost), Joel McHale and company singing. Tim Gunn arrives to put on the finishing touches.They take the stage in "Glee" red and black gear and Jimmy takes the mike doing his best Bruce. (It's not bad.) Randy Jackson joins him to jam. Hamm and Fey ham it up dancing. Big smiles from the audience.Out of breath, Jimmy starts his monologue, which quickly segues into him strumming a guitar. He's wearing tux top and jeans bottom."NBC asking the host of late night to come to Los Angeles to host a different show, what could possibly go wrong?" (Zing! Conan reference - cut to Conan, big cheers. Conan salutes.)Jimmy grabs Amy Poehler from the front row to sing.Jimmy: "The first category is comedy."Amy: "You're doing great so far...."Jimmy: "I've been drinking since three."Screens descend from the stage and we watch a montage of the nominees.Jon Hamm and Betty White are the first presenters. Hamm: "I may be only speaking for myself, but how about our sexual chemistry during that opening number?"White: "How about our sexual chemistry back in that quick change room?"(Awkward but enthusiastic randy-old-lady laughter.)The nominees for best supporting actor in a comedy series are introduced. The winner is... Eric Stonestreet from "Modern Family."He says all he wanted to be when he was a kid was a clown. (They cut to his co-star an on-screen boyfriend Jesse Tyler Ferguson in the audience and he's openly crying.) He gives a shout out to his mom in the audience and dad at home, telling them they get to keep the Emmy.John Hodgman introduces himself as our backstage color commentator.On stage, Jimmy explains the concept of having people submit intros for presenters via Twitter. The first two aren't exactly home runs. One says Jim Parsons of "The Big Bang Theory" is "bringing nerdy back" and Sofia Vergara of "Modern Family" is "beautiful."Somewhere Bruce Vlanch thinks his day job is safe.Jim introduces a bit that asks comedy writers when they first got a laugh. Christopher Lloyd and Steve Levitan of "Modern Family" do a take-off on the Old Spice commercial, on a horse. They also win."It is absolutely mind blowing to think that just two short years ago "Modern Family" was just an idea Chris and I had when we were out riding our horse...." Levitan begins. He thanks ABC and the cast and their spouses."I also want to thank our wives, without whom, well, we'd probably be dating around a lot."Stephen Colbert is up next and says hello to the ladies, and the women. He's presenting supporting actress in a comedy. He explains that he's not one of those guys who thinks gals can't be funny. Just look at John Travolta in "Hairspray," or Dustin Hoffman in "Tootsie," and don't forget Tom Hanks in "Bosom Buddies."Cut to Tom in the audience. Stephen says: "Madam, you still look lovely as ever. How do you keep your figure?" He introduces the nominees. The winner is... Jane Lynch.She thanks her parents for being so unintentionally hilarious. She raves about her ensemble and says she rarely identifies herself as anything, "I'm like a Buddhist in that way - although I'm not a Buddhist, they do seem like a very calm people," but she is an actor and feels compelled to do it. She thanks her "Lord and Creator Ryan Murphy."She throws out an "I love you" to her cast and wife.Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry are out next. (Jimmy's intro somehow involves Teddy Grahams.) They introduce guest actor and actress in a comedy series, awarded last week. Betty White won for "SNL" and Neil Patrick Harris for "Glee."On to directing in a comedy series. The winner is... Ryan Murphy for "Glee."He dedicates his award to all of his teachers, "who taught me to sing and finger paint."The "Modern Family" cast hearing pitches for how to improve their show from the new head of ABC. One involves a cross-racial adoption by Cam of Stewie from "Family Guy," Sofia Vergara in 3D, the next are worth finding on YouTube... including one that has Julie Bowen saying she was sad when a tree fell on Phil and killed him, but when his brother showed up at the funeral....pan over to the brother... George Clooney, sitting on a couch with Julie Bowen. The cast runs with the idea, cut to George with Sofia Vergara. Then with Eric and Jesse.Next up, best actor in a comedy series. The winner is... Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory."He thanks his costars, director, writers and production studio.Last year's host Neil Patrick Harris takes a moment to thank the Academy for allowing a gay man to host the show two years in a row. He tells Jimmy he's doing a great job.NPH introduces the best actress in a comedy nominees. The winner is...Edie Falco for "Nurse Jackie.""This is just the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened in the history of this lovely awards show. I'm not funny!"Back to Jimmy in the audience with a guitar and a Kardashian. They introduce reality TV and some highlights.Will Arnett and Keri Russell, stars of "Running Wilde," present best reality show. But first, Will reads some prose from a piece of paper: "My Favorite Part of a Woman,' by Will Arnett. 'Oh luscious mounds...'"Keri tells him they cut that part.They introduce the nominees. And the winner is... "Top Chef"! The first time "Amazing Race" hasn't won since the category was created. Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons are there with the producers.Back to Jimmy and the guitar.Jimmy: "I cry sometimes when I watch these shows."Julianna Marguiles: "I cried when they announced you as the host."Slap fight leading into the drama category. Roll clips. Cheers for 24, Lost...Jimmy introduces Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni: "Earlier, these stars of Law & Order: SVU teamed up to save the most special victim of all: the 10 p.m. time slot on NBC."The introduce writing for a drama series. The winner is: Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy for "Mad Men."Erin thanks her dad who was also a writer and says she also has to really thank Matt. He agrees that she does.On to best supporting actor in a drama, which includes the last shot for Losties Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson. The winner is: Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad."He marvels at the size of the audience, thanks the voters, his show creator and co-star Bryan Cranston.Back to Jimmy and the Tweets, including one from @SamuelLPaxton who says presenter Nathan Fillion is "straight off the meat rack, yo."He introduces supporting actress in a drama. The winner is Archie Punjabi from "The Good Wife."She thanks everyone with the network and show in her native London accent. "To everyone who voted for me, this is just amazing for my career, thank you so very much."Edie Falco is back out to introduce best actor in a drama. The winner is... Bryan Cranston of "Breaking Bad." (A total shut out for the men of "Lost" in the acting category.) It's Cranston's third win.He tells his fellow nominees he's honored to be mentioned with them. He shouts out to his wife and daughter, "I love you more than baseball."The Emmy Show Clock shows us we're running 2 minutes over. The stars of NBC's new "Undercovers" introduce the nominees for guest actor and actress in a drama series. The winners were John Lithgow for "Dexter" and Ann-Margaret for "Law & Order: SVU."They're up to hand out the next award. (Yes, Ann-Margret still looks amazing.) They're presenting outstanding directing for a drama series. The winner is...Steve Shill for "Dexter," giving Lithgow to correct thanking HBO instead of Showtime when he won his guest Emmy.The Emmy ticker tells us George Clooney will be up in 17 minutes.And now, a musical tribute to three shows we lost this year. Jimmy sits on the stage at a pink piano in full Elton John gear and croons good-bye to "24" to the tune of "Candle in the Wind."Sample lyric: "I would like to thank you for all the torturing/ and Jack and Chloe and CTU/and the first black president."Then on to Boyz II Men's "Hard to Say Goodbye" for "Law & Order," and Green Day and "Time of Your Life" for "Lost": "The island was mythical, but in the end they died/I didn't understand it but I tried."Tina Fey and Matthew Morrison introduce best actress in a drama.Matthew: "This year's outstanding nominees for best actress in a drama all have one thing in common, they are..."He says "beautiful" as Tina says "terrifying," then corrects herself for laughs.The winner is Kyra Sedgwick. She kisses Kevin Bacon and takes the stage. It's her first Emmy. She asks Tina to hold her Emmy so she can read from her notes. She thanks TNT and the crew, the cast and quotes Kevin saying "Let's all be good to each other.'Back on the guitar in the audience.Jimmy: "The people in this category are funny and talented."Stephen Colbert: "It's an honor to get nominated, just like Jimmy Fallon did."Jimmy: "Stephen, I wasn't nominated."Stephen: "It's still an honor."Jimmy: "I wouldn't know."Stephen: "Trust me."Variety. Roll clips of Dave, Jon Stewart and a good amount of Conan, the Olympics, Haiti Telethon, etc...Joel McHale and Jeff Probst introduce writing for a variety special."Writers is good. Them makes we two look good spoken," McHale says.The Emmy goes to the 63rd Annual Tony Awards. Dave Boone thanks NPH for hosting.The ticker tells us we're 4 1/2 minutes from Ricky Gervais.Jimmy introduces him: "I used to think this next guy was a fat, rude, loudmouth Brit. But now, he's lost a bit of weight.""I'm saving the really offensive stuff for the Golden Globes," Ricky says. He riffs on the lack of alcohol and says there's no one scary here, like Mel Gibson. He stops himself, saying he's not going to have a go at him. "He's been through a lot... not as much as the Jews."Then he asks who wants a beer and has waiters bring out beers on trays for people in the front row. "The Office is in syndication, those are on me."Directing for Variety is next. Ricky says he hopes the winner is Bucky Gunts (for the Olympics) "because I didn't know you could say that on television... let's face it, we're all Bucky Gunts here..."Ricky introduces the winner: Bucky Gunts!Then, on to outstanding variety, music or comedy series, the noteworthy nominee here being "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien."And the winner is..."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," who isn't there, but not because he's appearing on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," the producer tells us.The CEO of the Academy comes out to introduce the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award, going this year to George Clooney, only the fourth time it has been given. His "ER" costar Julianna Marguiles introduces him, saying he was a driving force behind "America: A Concert for Heroes," "Tsunami Aid: A Concert of Hope" and "Hope for Haiti Now."He comes out to standing ovation, over his objections. "Don't do that because then I feel like maybe I'm sick and don't know it," he says. He says Bob was a friend of his aunt Rosemary Clooney and represents the best version of celebrity. "It's important to remember how much can get done, because we live in such strange times where bad behavior sucks up all the attention in the press."He makes a plea for attention to stay on disasters even after the cameras have gone.More Jimmy with a guitar. He kneels next to Hanks.Jimmy: "The Pacific nominated for two dozen awards/ better break the news to Spielberg, you're running out of wars. Mini-series and movies!"Clips roll.January Jones and John Krasinski introduce supporting actor in a miniseries or movie. The winner is Julia Ormand for "Temple Grandin.""I got so thrilled an excited I told my mom I was 'emanated' for a 'Nomy'," she says.Claire Danes is up next to present supporting actor in a mini-series or movie. The winner is David Strathairn, who co-stared with Danes in "Temple Grandin."He raves about teachers and Temple Grandin and we see her waving in the audience.Then on to Jewel, who tells us she wrote the song "Shape of You" for a friend who passed away from cancer. It's the Memoriam segment, including Art Linkletter, Soupy Sales, Jean Simmons, Peter Graves, Robert Culp, Corey Haim, Andrew Koenig, Gary Coleman, Rue McClanahan, Captain Phil Harris, Dixie Carter, Lynn Redgrave, Lena Horne, Dennis Hopper.Maury Tierney and Blair Underwood present writing for mini-series or movie. The Emmy goes to Adam Mazer for "You Don't Know Jack."He urges people to talking about the end of life debate. "Jack Kevorkian, I'm so glad you're my friend, but I'm even more grateful you're not my physician."Then lead actress in a mini-series or movie. The winner is Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."She thanks HBO and Temple, who cheerfully stands up and waves again from the audience.Welcome the cast of "True Blood." It's apparently getting late in the show, Jimmy introduces them, saying they really "suck."But the intro bit runs with it.Stephen Moyer: "By an obscure and ancient Emmy bylaw we are now required to make at least one vampire pun while presenting the next award."Alexander Skarsgard: "Stephen, don't - this is going to be quite painful. Allow me: It is now our bloody thrill-Moyer: "Brilliant."Skarsgard: "It was worse than I thought - to present the next award for outstanding directing for a miniseries or movie."The winner is: Mick Jackson for Temple Grandin.Back to the vamps. Skarsgard thanks Ricky Gervais for the non-alcoholic beer.They introduce best actor for mini-series or movie. The winner is: Al Pacino for "You Don't Know Jack."He says it was a pleasure to know Kevorkian (who is in the audience). He thanks everyone and doesn't get played off stage because, well, he's Al Pacino.Laurence Fishburne introduces the nominees for outstanding miniseries. The winner is "The Pacific." Tom Hanks accepts and thanks HBO.The award for made-for-tv-movie goes to "Temple Grandin."The executive producer gets bear-hugged by her autistic subject mid-speech.Jimmy tells us there are two awards left. "You know the next presenter from the hit series "Magnum PI," but I know him as...my real father. Tom Selleck, everybody. Dad, come on out!"Jimmy hugs a startled Selleck to fully sell the bit. He introduces the best drama nominees. "Mad Men" wins its third in a row."So where was I?" Matt Weiner begins as he picks up his writer speech where he got cut off. He thanks the cast and AMC and wraps up quickly.Ted Danson is out to wrap things up with the nominees for best comedy series. The winner is: Modern Family. (The camera manages not to cut immediately to Tina Fey.)Steven Levitan thanks his amazing cast "who makes us forget how much we hate writing, every day." He thanks their writing staff. "Chris and I get so much credit for what is often their amazing work and I just want to say: that's Hollywood, dude."And there you have it. Jimmy wraps up, popping champagne and shouting, "After-party at Betty White's house!"

3Astronomy

4Aquatic Animals

5Atoms

6Advertising

7Antidotes

8Arthropods

9Albania

10Africa

11Alan

12Advent

1Blue

2Birds

3Bombs

4Bible

5Bears

6Beavers

7Biscuits

8Bees

9Bats

10Bills

11Beats

12Birth

1Campanology

2Cummingtonite

3Common Knowledge

4Cheating

5Cats Eyes

6Cockneys

7Constellations

8Corby

9Creatures

10Cleve Crudgington

11Carnival

12Combustion

1Danger

2Discoveries

3Dogs

4Dictionaries

5Death

6Drinks

7Differences

8Descendants

9Doves

10Divination

11Denial & Deprivation

12Domesticity

13December

1Engineering

2Electricity

3Eating

4Exploration

5Europe

6Everything

7Espionage

8Eyes and Ears

10England

11Endings

12Empire

13Elephants

1Families

2Fire & Freezing

3Flotsam & Jetsam

4Fight or Flight

5France

6Fakes & Frauds

7Fingers and Fumbs

8Fashion

9Future

10Flora and Fauna

11Film

12Food

1Gardens

2G-Animals

3Games

4Geography

5Groovy

6Genius

7Girls and Boys

8Germany

9Gallimaufrey

10Greats

11Gifts

12Gravity

13Gothic

14Greeks

15Green

16Geometry

17Compilation 1

18Compilation 2

1Hodge Podge

2H Anatomy

3Hoaxes

4Humans

9House and Home

10Health and Safety

11Highs and Lows

12Horses and Hunting

13Holidays

14Hocus-Pocus

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are All Right".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

15Hypnosis, Hallucinations & Hysteria

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

16History

1I-Spy

2International

We open with a pre-recorded bit, in which Jane Lynch sits down with the faux-President of Television, Leonard Nimoy, who tells her that men find her woman-ish and women find her man-ish. (Alec Baldwin had taped this, but quit when Fox cut a News Corp joke. It's hard not to think Baldwin's comedic timing might have served the bit better than Nimoy's.)Leonard reminds her not to let the audience know that all the stars all live together in a tiny apartment building, which he reveals behind the curtain. Yes, it's weird. Then it's time for the song, about the magic of television as Jane wanders through.Jeremy Piven and "Lloyd" (Rex Lee) join for a few dance moves, after which Piven wonders what he's doing. "I'm not even on anymore!" Jane sings about TV crime shows and we see Kevin Nealon, then Eric Dane from "Grey's Anatomy" as she sings about patients being cured in a week. Jane next wanders into "The Big Bang Theory", then by Marcel from "Top Chef", Randy Jackson from "American Idol," the boys from "Myth Busters" and up to Ron from "Parks and Rec" who tells her to stop singing."I know this seems stupid and shlocky, and already seems overly long, but it's the Emmys, c'mon! Get on board," Jane tells him.And then she sings some more, not taking her own analysis to heart, walking by Andy Richter and the cast of "Mad Men". She tells them about the future, including that people can watch TV on their phones and fast forward through commercials. Don Draper kicks her out.There's a line about on TV high school students look roughly 24 as she walks by a few "Friday Night Lights"ers in a locker room.Then it's Jane into a rally hosted by her "Glee" alter-ego, Sue Sylvester, whom she promptly slushies.Then we're into the auditorium, where the number continues, as Jane sings about TV as a vast wonderland. ("Except for HBO, it's not TV")The dancers lift her in the air for the big finish. "Try doing that in triple-Spanx," she says. She surveys the audience, picking out her "nodding friends," and noting that "Jon Hamm and I are at 'finger-pistols'."Jane introduces "The Emmy Tones," some actors she roped into joining her, including Zachary Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji Henson, Kate Flannery, Wilmer Valderrama and Joel McHale, presumably friends she had some dirt on. They sing to introduce the first comedy category. The audience doesn't seem to know what to do with it, but at least is happy to know what Wilmer Valderrama is up to.We see seconds-long clips from a slew of shows, then it's on to Jimmys Fallon and Kimmel.Kimmel congratulates Fallon on his nomination, then asks if he wrote a speech. Fallon says no, because they all know Jon Stewart is going to win. Kimmel then tackles him him to the ground, wresting the prepared speech from his pocket. It contains "notes to self" such as crying on cue and holding the statue like it's the "Lion King" baby.On to best supporting actress in a comedy, Jane Lynch's category. Julie Bowen from "Modern Family" wins."I don't know what I'm going to talk about next week in therapy now," she says, struggling to compose herself.Juliana Margulies is out next to present "Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy", deadpanning that she's the funniest woman in TV. She notes the category features "that kid from 'Glee' and that guy from 'Pretty in Pink' and four guys from 'Modern Family," she says.The winner is: Ty Burrell from "Modern Family". He mentions that his dad passed away before he had success and he wonders what he'd think of the fact he goes to work every day in full make-up. Then he thanks all his costars and mentions his dad again. "If he were here tonight, I think he would say... 'But why the make-up?'." His dad would like his wife and be impressed that he gets to learn every day, "in the end I think he'd feel like, 'Couldn't you just wear a little powder? Why do you have to look like a harlot?'"Jane welcomes us back and introduces controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais, via satellite. He apologizes that he couldn't be there, and says he wasn't allowed after the Globes. This sets up his bit, that he was warned he'll be edited if he says anything controversial. Some quick cuts ensue, including one that has him calling Fox fantastic in splices.He intros the nominees for "Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series". The Emmy goes to Michael Alan Spiller for "Modern Family".Zooey Deschanel and Will Arnett are up to present comedy writing. The winners are Steven Levitan and Jeffrey Richman of "Modern Family." The Steven mentions the episode with the kids walking in on their parents came from real life (his wife's eye roll in the audience gets the biggest laugh of the speech).That's four awards, all to the same ABC show. Fox, which is airing the telecast, must be thrilled.Jane welcomes us back to "The Modern Family Awards". She introduces the next presenter, saying she was his therapist for many years "and apparently I suck." Ladies and Gentlemen, Charlie Sheen, to present "Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series", his old category. He addresses his former "Two and a Half Men" costars, and says from the bottom of his heart, he wishes them continued success. There is no punchline, but plenty of awkward.The winner is Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory". (The announcer who has been offering banal facts as the winners walk up mentions that he eats a lot of peanut butter.)"Oh this is so odd for so many reasons," says the CBS star, going on to not make much more sense as Sheen, the former CBS star, lurks behind him.Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe are out next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in Comedy", they start with Amy Poehler from "Parks & Recreation" and she takes the stage. She's joined by Melissa McCarthy, Martha Plimpton, Edie Falco,Tina Fey and Laura Linney. They hold hold hands like beauty queens and wait. They get a standing ovation as everyone tries to figure out if the bit was planned.The winner is Melissa McCarthy from "Mike and Molly" who can fairly clearly be seen to say "holy s---" when her name is announced. She's presented with roses and a tiara to go with her award."Holy smokes!" she says, acknowledging her sister in the audience. She promises to carry CBS prez Nina Tassler and Les Moonves around later that night.We return to a pre-recorded bit with stars from "The Office" talking about the worst part of their job. Then others stop by, like Jesse (Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad") to bring Creed a bag. He takes it, announcing: "Hey guys, my crystal meth is here!"Kim Kardashian doesn't understand the question and wonders if she's pronouncing "work" right."The Office" mates confer and decide the new boss doesn't seem right, Andy goes to talk to him and finds Ashton Kutcher, wondering if the "beautiful drifter" is in the wrong place.Kutcher plays dumb. "I was wondering where the half man was," he says.The Emmy Tones are back to sing awkwardly about the new combined reality and variety category.Jane Lynch returns. "Everyone was asking me if I have a gay agenda for hosting, and actually I do," she says, taking a list out of her pocket to read from. "Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is, take the pick-up in for an oil change - nah, I'll do that myself. And there was a third thing, but I must have left it in my fanny pack."David Spade and Kaley Cuoco are out next to introduce best outstanding reality competition. (She towers over him.) The Emmy goes to "Amazing Race" again. (The announcer says it's a "race to the podium". Groan.)On to best writing for a variety, music or comedy series. The Colbert Report writers shout their name all at once, SNL's scroll with pictures of Justin Timberlake, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon rolls with puppies dressed up, Jon Stewart's crew does mock up of Newsweek's cover and Conan O'Brien pulls one name from a hat - his."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" wins. It's the show's seventh win. The writers read a stilted thank you, the joke of which is that Jon Stewart usually proofs their writing, but not this time.Jane wanders the audience, talking to the camera, mentioning that after the show the clothes come off and it's a big sweaty pile. She introduces "The Lonely Island" and Michael Bolton. They're on to the Bolton doing captain Jack Sparrow, then Ed Helms, John Stamos and Maya Rudolph doing the "D--- in a box" guys singing "It's Not Gay if It's in a Threeway" (might have to YouTube that for it to make sense). Then Akon comes out singing about just having sex in front of a giant American Flag.Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder are out next to introduce best directing for variety, music or comedy series. The winner is Don Roy King for the "Saturday Night Live" episode with Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga.Anna Paquin and Scott Caan introduce outstanding comedy, variety series, mentioning that "The Daily Show" has won eight years in a row. It wins again.Jon Stewart is taller than Scott Caan.He gives a special nod to Colbert.More Emmy Tones, introducing drama clips.Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are out next to present best writing for a drama. Kutcher clarifies that he is not Charlie Sheen and doesn't think Cryer is a troll. The Emmy goes to Jason Katims for "Friday Night Lights".He reads from notes, thanking the cast and crew and his family, ending with the predictable "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."The award for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series is next. Margo Martindale wins for "Justified". When she takes careful steps up the stage, Ed O'Neill rushes from the audience to help her."Sometimes, things just take time," she says through tears. Her co-stars in the audience are in tears, too. She thanks creator Graham Yost, even though he killed her.Loretta Devine and Paul Crane are out to present drama directing. The winner is Martin Scorsese for "Boardwalk Empire", his first Emmy win.He sees the clock ticking down and resolves to talk a little fast, rattling off names of folks at HBO and his crew.Kerry Washington and Jason O'Mara are out next delivering a rough bit on the side effects of winning an Emmy before "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series".The winner is Peter Dinklage from "Game of Thrones". He thanks his show creators, somewhat calmly. He thanks his dog sitter named Kitty for taking care of his dog Kevin back in New York.When we return, Anderson Cooper does a fake 360 report about a woman behind the New Jersey TV trend, Donatella, Alberghetti Mangiana D'Borgia, or Jane Lynch in a black win and tons of eye make up. She takes credit for the fact 50 percent of all TV is set in Jersey, including "Sarah Palin's Alaska."The kids from "Jersey Shore" give interviews. "Before I met Donatella, I was just Nicole, a Harvard undergrad. And now I'm Snooki," Snooki attests."She's like a mother to me, because she killed my mother," Pauly says.Brian Cranston and Katie Holmes are up next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series". The winner is...Julianna Marguiles for "The Good Wife".She addresses her fellow nominees, saying it's a privilege to be among them. She thanks her creators and writers and the CBS folk, "thank you for allowing us to be the show that we are." She tells her husband "I love being your 'good wife' and I'm so grateful you have no political aspirations."The stars of "Charlie's Angels" are out next with former "Angel" Drew Barrymore to introduce best actor.The winner is...Kyle Chandler. Minka Kelly, his former costar, presents him with the award. "I knew for a fact that I would not be standing here, so I did not write anything. And now I'm starting to worry," he says, before thanking his reps and casting director and all the people who filled the stands around Texas.The Emmy Tones sing about mini-series and movies before being interrupted by LL Cool J rapping over them. In a change of pace for him, he does not remove his shirt.Jane Lynch returns with: "A lot of people wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of 'Entourage'." They're introducing the miniseries, movie or special - all of the nominees from HBO or PBS. The Emmy goes to Julian Fellowes for "Downton Abbey" on PBS. (The insipid announcer says Julian is British and from England.)Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries goes to Maggie Smith, who is not in attendance.The accountants from Ernst & Young are out next, but it's really Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul."Me, an accountant? I can barely balance my checkbook," Lynch says."I can barely balance," Abdul offers.Jane introduces the real guys, then it's on to Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler, who note what a good year it was for male roles. They congratulate them on finally breaking through the glass ceiling and tell them not to be afraid to show a little skin.The introduce lead actor in a miniseries, which goes to Barry Pepper. He is also not there. On to directing in the category.The winner is Brian Percival for "Downton Abbey". Uses his acceptance speech as a chance to make sure your DVR is set up to record the premieres this week. He pretty much just says thanks.The chairman of the Television Academy of Arts and Science is out next for the In Memoriam segment, including Stephen J. Cannell. Some guys sing "Hallelujah" as the names roll including Harold Gould, Peter Falk, James Arness, Blake Edwards, Barbara Billingsley, Leslie Nielsen, Tom Bosley, Ryan Dunn, "Uncle Frank", Andy Whitfield, Jill Clayburgh, Laura Ziskin and Bubba Smith.Anna Torv and David Boreanaz are out next to present best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie (Torv also acknowledges the singers were the Canadian Tenors).The winner is Guy Pearce for "Mildred Pierce"."It was really a delightful experience making Mildred Pierce, I got to have sex with Kate Winslet every day...To Kate, thank you for allowing me to insert myself into your world of Mildred, and to my wife Kate who had to listen to me talk about that every day when I came home from work," he says.Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes are up next to present outstanding actress in a miniseries.The winner is Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce." She hugs her costars and takes the stage, saying she didn't think they were going to win anything. She thanks the cast and her own mother, saying it doesn't matter how old you get, you always need your "mum."Jane comes back, noting that so many movies stars are doing TV these days that TV stars have to go do voices for video games, which are then made into movies, staring the very people who are putting the TV stars out of work in the first place. "Hakuna matata, my friends. That's the circle of life," she says.Out next is Don Cheadle, for Outstanding Mini-Series or Movie. "Downton Abbey" wins. Julian Fellowes says it's hard to know what will be a hit, but this evening validates that something did.Maria Bello and William H. Macy are out next for Outstanding Drama Series. The nominees are Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and Mad Men.The Emmy goes to "Mad Men." Again. Fourth year in a row.Creator Matthew Weiner accepts. He says he didn't think they were going to win, but thanks AMC and the fans and his writing staff. "We all get to work tomorrow and that's all we ever want to do. For us and our families, this is an incredible dream," he says.Gwyneth Paltrow is up next to present Outstanding Comedy."Ok, the prompter's down, so I'm going to wing it: Here are the nominees for best comedy series," she says, showing no great skill at improv. The nominees are The Big Bang Theory, Glee, Modern Family, The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.The Emmy goes to "Modern Family" for the second year in a row.Steven Levitan says that everyone on the stage knows what it's like to have a show tank, so they especially appreciate it. He takes special note of the kids in the cast. "'Modern Family' was this close to being animated, that's how much we didn't want to work with kids," he says, before praising them.He also mentions a gay couple who approached them on location last year and thanked them for teaching people tolerance. Levitan says they are doing that. "We are showing the world that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a loving committed relationship between an old man and a hot young woman, and looking around this room tonight I see many of you agree," he says."Thank you all very, very much," he says.Jane comes back to sign off, with the Emmy Tones, who can at least be glad their faces were never shown in close-up.

3Imbroglio

4Indecision

5Invertebrates

6Inventive

7Incomprehensible

8Inequality

9Illness

10Inland Revenue

11Infantile (Children in Need Special)

12Illumination

13Intelligence

14VG. Part 1

15VG Part 2

16Ice

17The Immortal Bard

18Idleness

1Jargon

2Jam Jelly and Juice

3Journeys

4Jack and Jill

5J-Places

7Journalism

8Jumble

9Jeopardy

10Jungles

11Jumpers

12Justice #10.12

13Jobs #10.13

14Jingle Bells

15VG Part One

16VG Part Two

17Jolly

18Just the Job

1Knees & Knockers

2Kit and Kaboodle

3K-Folk

4Knits & Knots

5Kings #11.05

6Killers

7Knowledge

8Keys

9Kinetic

10Keeps

11Kinky

12Knights and Knaves

13Kitchen Sink

14Kris Kringle #11.14

15Kitsch

16Kaleidoscope

17VG Part One

18VG Part Two

1L-Animals

2Location, Location, Location

3Literature

4Levity #12.04

5Lenses

6Liblabble #12.06

7Lethal

8Lovely #12.08

9Ladies and Gents

10Lying #12.10

11Lumped Together

13Lucky Losers #12.13

14Little and Large

15Long Lost

16Landmarks

17VG Part One

18VG Part Two

1Medley of Maladies

2Military Matters

3M-Places

4Miscellany

5Maths

6Marriage and Mating

7Middle Muddle

8Merriment

Stephen discusses merriment with his guests, in this Christmas themed episode. |

9Messing with Your Mind

Host Stephen Fry messes with the minds of Alan Davies and guests Sarah Millican, Tommy Tiernan and Josh Widdicombe in the quite interesting quiz. |

10Making a Meal of It

Stephen Fry and guests Alan Davies, Phill Jupitus, Cariad Lloyd and Dermot O'Leary make a meal out of a selection of questions including how much sugar is in a sugar-free sweet? Stephen does a magic trick with milk. |

11Menagerie

Stephen Fry invites his guests Alan Davies, Bill Bailey, Sue Perkins and Romesh Ranganathan to step inside his menagerie to answer questions relating to animals beginning with the letter M. |

12Medieval and Macabre

Panellists Julia Zemiro, Matt Lucas, David Mitchell and Alan Davies meditate on matters medieval and macabre with the master of the mirthful panel show, Stephen Fry. |

13Monster Mash

Stephen Fry and guests Phill Jupitus, Josh Widdicombe, Sara Pascoe and Alan Davies hunt for marvelous monsters. Featuring a made-up creatures round and an appearance by "The Fiji Mermaid". |

14Messy

Panellists Sarah Millican, Eddie Kadi, Noel Fielding and Alan Davies muck about as host Stephen Fry tests them with questions on a messy mixture of matters. |

15Mix and Match

Host Stephen Fry matches wits with guests Alan Davies, Bill Bailey, Jo Brand and James Acaster, quizzing them on a mixed-up melange of M-themed topics. |

16Misconceptions

Stephen Fry makes his final appearance as the host of QI by correcting some misconceptions with his guests Alan Davies, Chris Addison, Sara Cox and Sue Perkins. |

17QI VG: Part One

1Naming Names

A new era of QI begins with regular guest Sandi Toksvig taking the helm for her first show as QI-Master. She will be Naming Names with Cariad Lloyd, Phil Jupitus, Romesh Ranganathan and of course Alan Davies. |

2North Norse

New QI-Master Sandi Toksvig will feel right at home as she looks at the North, the Norse and all things Nordic with guests Jason Mountford, Lucy Beaumont, Rhod Gilbert and regular panellist Alan Davies. |

3Nosey Noisy

Sandi Toksvig hosts a nosey, noisy episode of the quite interesting panel show with guests Aisling Bea, Ross Noble, Slipknot lead singer Corey Taylor and of course regular panellist Alan Davies. |

4Noble Rot

5Not Nearly

6Night

7Naked Truth

Guests

8Non Sequiturs

Host

9Noel

10Nature/Nurture

11Nonsense

12Noodles

Sandi Toksvig is joined by Matt Lucas, Jerry Springer, Cariad Lloyd and regular Alan Davies, to natter about noodles. |

13Naval Navigation

Sandi Toksvig is joined by Jimmy Carr, Johnny Vegas, Ronni Ancona and regular Alan Davies to natter about naval navigation matters. |

14Numbers

15Next

Guests

16New

New host

17VG: Part 1

1Ologies

2Organisms

3Oceans

4Over and Ova

Artist

5Odorous and Odious

Why is the world's second-smallest man so frustrated? will be among the topics as Sandi and Alan discuss all things Odorous and Odious with Sally Phillips, Nish Kumar and Ross Noble.

6Odds and Ends

Sandi Toksvig considers various odds and ends with guests Romesh Ranganathan, Matt Lucas, Liza Tarbuck and regular panellist Alan Davies.

7Opposites

Find out how to sort the sheep from the goats, the opposite of Tarzan and discover the telescope that points straight through the Earth as Sandi, Alan and guests look at opposites.

8Operations

Host Sandi Toksvig and regular panellist Alan Davies are joined by guests Bill Bailey, Rhod Gilbert and Katherine Ryan to look at operations.

9O Christmas

The QI Christmas special in which we learn about tradition Christmases and how to wrap any gift. With Alan Davies, Holly Walsh, Jason Manford and Romesh Ranganathan.

10Origins and Openings

Sandi discusses the real origin of species and openings trivia, with Alan Davies, Rich Hall, Josh Widdicombe and Susan Calman.

11Objects and Ornaments

Sandi and Alan are joined by Sarah Millican, Cariad Lloyd and Radio 1 DJ Alice Levine to discover where you can find an actual UFO and to meet the world's best-dressed crab.

12The Occult

Actor Russell Brand and comedians Aisling Bea and Noel Fielding join Sandi Toksvig and Alan Davies to delve into the occult.

13Omnishambles

Sandi organises an omnishambles with Josh Widdicombe, Stephen K. Amos and Cally Beaton.

14Oddballs

Sandi Toksvig looks at some oddballs with Jason Manford, Jimmy Carr, Victoria Coren Mitchell and Alan Davies.

15Occupations and Offices

Sandi Toksvig and Alan Davies are joined by Deirdre O'Kane, Richard Osman and David Mitchell to look into occupations and offices in the popular quiz.

16Overseas

Danish host Sandi Toksvig oversees American comedian Desiree Burch, Australian funnyman Colin Lane, Bill Bailey and Alan Davies as they venture overseas in search of more odd answers to strange questions.

1Panimals

Sandi Toksvig is joined by Alan Davies, Danny Baker, Phill Jupitus and actress Teri Hatcher to look at animals which start with the letter P as the quite interesting quiz returns for a sixteenth series.

2Peril

Comedians Aisling Bea, Lee Mack and Jason Manford join host Sandi Toksvig and regular panellist Alan Davies to look at the topic of peril.

3Piecemeal

Pie-eating, pizza-making and silent P's are among the topics looked at piecemeal as Sandi and Alan are joined by Gyles Brandreth, Jimmy Carr and Sally Phillips.

4Parts

Sandi Toksvig looks at various parts with Sara Pascoe, Ed Balls, Johnny Vegas and regular panellist Alan Davies.

5Public & Private

Sandi Toksvig delves into the public and the private with her guests Bridget Christie, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Phill Jupitus and regular panelist Alan Davies, who reveals a shameful secret about himself.

6Pictures

Sandi Toksvig looks at pictures with Alan Davies, Noel Fielding, Hannah Gadsby and Joe Lycett.

7Picnics

Sandi Toksvig enjoys a picnic with Alan Davies, Richard Osman, Rachel Parris and Romesh Ranganathan.

8Plants

Sandi Toksvig looks at plants with regular panellist Alan Davies and guests, Sara Pascoe, Stephen K. Amos and Jason Manford.

9Pubs - A Christmas Special

Host Sandi Toksvig has a festive knees-up down the pub with bar-stool regular Alan Davies and guest ales Cariad Lloyd, Noel Fielding and Josh Widdicombe.

10Pain and Punishment

Sandi Toksvig and Alan Davies are joined by Lee Mack, Alice Levine and Jimmy Carr to learn about some unusual and sometimes painful punishments.

11Potpourri

Sandi Toksvig examines a potpourri of quite interesting topics with regular panellist Alan Davies and their guests - comedians Phill Jupitus, Rhod Gilbert and Cally Beaton.

12Procrastination

Sandi Toksvig finds the time to indulge in a little procrastination with Alan Davies, comedians Aisling Bea and Holly Walsh and radio and television presenter Nikki Bedi.

13Phenomena

Sandi Toksvig investigates an array of phenomena with comedians Alan Davies, Cariad Lloyd, Josh Widdicombe and Paul Sinha.

14Pathology

Sandi Toksvig studies pathology with regular panellist Alan Davies, comedians Ed Byrne and Rhod Gilbert and actress Sindhu Vee.

15Past Times

Sandi Toksvig looks at the pastimes of past times with Alan Davies, Joe Lycett, Phil Wang and Ellie Taylor.

16Post

Sandi Toksvig opens the post with her guests Alan Davies, Holly Walsh, Matt Lucas and Susan Calman. We see if Susan can fit inside a pillar box.

17VG - Part One

A selection of the best moments from the 'P' series of QI, hosted by Sandi Toksvig with Alan Davies and their guests.

18VG - Part Two

[link= dishes up a second helping of Very Good bits from the sixteenth series of the quite interesting panel show.

1Quirky

Sandi Toksvig asks panellists Jason Manford, Sarah Millican, Loyiso Gola and Alan Davies some quirky questions as the comedy quiz show returns.

2Quintessential

Sandi Toksvig and Alan Davies are joined by Cariad Lloyd, Holly Walsh and Josh Widdicombe for a quintessentially quite interesting edition of the comedy panel show.

3Quarrels

Sandi Toksvig spends an evening quarrelling with Aisling Bea, Jason Manford, Anuvab Pal and Alan Davies.

4Queasy Quacks

Sandi Toksvig looks at quacks and quackery with regular panellist Alan Davies and guests Claudia Winkleman, Stephen K. Amos and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

5Questions and Qualifications

Sandi Toksvig enquires into questions and qualifications with Alan Davies, Ade Adepitan, Nish Kumar and Holly Walsh.

6Quests: Part I

Sandi Toksvig embarks on the first part of her quest for knowledge with Alan Davies, Alan Carr, Alice Levine and Phill Jupitus.

7Quests: Part II

Sandi Toksvig is joined by Alan Davies, Susan Calman Joe Lycett and Holly Walsh to boldly go where no comedy panel show has gone before in the quest for knowledge and laughter.

8Qanimals

Alan Davies, Daliso Chaponda, Phill Jupitus and Cariad Lloyd look at animals which start with the letter q in the panel show hosted by Sandi Toksvig.

9Quizmas

10Quiet

Host Sandi Toksvig calls for a bit of quiet from guests Jimmy Carr,Andrew Maxwell, Sara Pascoe and in particular from regular panellist Alan Davies.

11Quaffing

Sandi Toksvig indulges in a bit of quaffing and scoffing, with Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Phill Jupitus and Prue Leith.

12Quagmire

Sandi Toksvig gets stuck into a quagmire with Alan Davies, Aisling Bea, Sally Phillips and Sindhu Vee.

13Quills

Sandi Toksvig looks at quills with her guests Alan Davies, Tom Allen, Jimmy Carr and Lou Sanders.

15Quantity and Quality

Sandi looks at quantity and quality with Joe Lycett, James Acaster and Bridget Christie.

16Quads and Quins

Sandi Toksvig and Alan Davies are joined by Aisling Bea, Nish Kumar and David Mitchell to look at quads and quins.

17QI VG: Series Q Compilation Show 1

Sandi Toksvig presents a compilation of some of the best bits from the seventeenth series of the quite interesting panel show.

18QI VG: Series Q Compilation Show 2

Sandi Toksvig presents a second compilation of some of the highlights from the seventeenth series of the quite interesting panel show.

1Rude

Sandi Toksvig and Alan Davies are joined by John Barrowman, Aisling Bea and Phill Jupitus for a rather rude edition of the quite interesting panel show.

2Ruff and Reddy

In this edition of the panel show Sandi Toksvig takes a look at ruffs and red things with Alan Davies, Tom Allen, Susan Calman and Zoe Lyons.

3Road and Rail

Sandi Toksvig gets railroaded into a road and rail themed episode, with Alan Davies, Aisling Bea, Cally Beaton and Holly Walsh.

4Restaurants

Sandi Toksvig invites Phill Jupitus, Sara Pascoe, Mark Watson and Alan Davies to join her in the QI restaurant for this edition of the quite interesting programme.

5Rubbish

This week host Sandi Toksvig talks rubbish with Alan Davies, Bridget Christie, Johnny Vegas and Holly Walsh.

6Ridiculous

Sandi Toksvig invites regular panellist Alan Davies and guests Maisie Adam, David Mitchell and Holly Walsh to join her in ridiculing a ridiculous edition of the panel show.