After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young woman, moves into an apartment loft with three single men. Although they find her behavior very unusual, the men support her - most of the time.
Jess - a bubbly offbeat teacher who is known to burst into spontaneous song - catches her boyfriend with another woman, and needs a new place to live. She moves into a loft with three single guys she's never met before. Nick is a jaded law-school dropout, who usually just wants to be left alone. Schmidt is a flashy businessman, who believes he is a gift to women. Winston is a former athlete who doesn't know what to do, but really needs to win whatever it is. Can this dysfunctional group handle the "adorkable" new girl?
20 Sep 2011Description ▼
Jess Day is a young woman who, after discovering her long-term boyfriend is cheating on her, moves into a loft apartment with three male roommates - prickly bartender Nick, womanizer Schmidt and intense personal trainer Coach. The guys try to help Jess get back on her feet and into the dating world.
27 Sep 2011Description ▼
Nick and Schmidt convince Jess to get her stuff out of her ex-boyfriend Spencer's apartment; Jess meets new roommate Winston, who has returned from playing basketball in Latvia. Winston tries to get his old room back from Schmidt.
04 Oct 2011Description ▼
The guys are invited to a wedding of a mutual friend. Nick, fearful he will run into his ex-girlfriend Caroline, asks Jess to be his date. Meanwhile, Winston takes his role as an usher very seriously and gets competitive on the dance floor with a young guest. Schmidt not only catches the eye of a beautiful woman, but also his "frenemy" Gretchen whom he sleeps with at every wedding reception.
01 Nov 2011Description ▼
Jess accidentally walks in on Nick naked, sending his self-confidence to an all-time low - just after an attractive co-worker agrees to go out on a date with him. Meanwhile, Winston becomes obsessed with learning pop-culture references online.
08 Nov 2011Description ▼
Cece convinces Jess that Nick likes her more than just as a roommate and Schmidt tries to seal the deal with Cece.
15 Nov 2011Description ▼
Jess invites Paul, a music teacher at her school on whom she always has had a crush, to the gang's big Thanksgiving dinner at the loft, which naturally goes horribly awry.
29 Nov 2011Description ▼
Jess gets jealous when Winston joins her troubled-youth handbell quartet and instantly becomes a natural. Meanwhile Nick and Schmidt engage in class warfare when the toilet breaks and they each have their own idea of how to get it fixed.
8Bad in Bed
06 Dec 2011Description ▼
When Jess decides to take her relationship with Paul to the next level, she consults with the guys for some sex advice. Meanwhile, Schmidt worms his way into his boss' baby shower to compete with his office female counterpart.
13 Dec 2011Description ▼
The gang attends Schmidt's holiday office party and Jess frets when she receives an expensive gift from Paul.
11Jess & Julia
31 Jan 2012Description ▼
Nick panics when Julia doesn't want to put a label on their relationship. Meanwhile, Jess enlists Julia to help her get out of a traffic ticket, Winston reconnects with a former booty call and Schmidt is baffled as to why his shower towel is always damp.
07 Feb 2012Description ▼
Against Nick's wishes, Jess makes it her mission to get the loft's cantankerous landlord to like her. In doing so, she inadvertently jeopardizes their living situation and the guys are forced to admit they've made some "unofficial" changes to the apartment. Meanwhile Schmidt tries to decipher what he thinks are mixed signals from his boss Kim.
14 Feb 2012Description ▼
Single for the first time on Valentine's Day, Jess convinces Schmidt to be her wingman as she attempts to have an attachment-free fling with a handsome stranger. Nick's romantic plans are foiled when he finds himself spending more time with Julia's law firm assistant than with her. Winston becomes one of the girls when Shelby invites him over on the holiday.
21 Feb 2012Description ▼
When Jess tries to intervene with a classroom bully she finds herself the target of the bad seed student. Schmidt, meanwhile, is thrilled over his post-Valentine's sexcapades, but hates that his paramour wants to keep it a secret; and Nick goes into a tailspin when Julia sends him a cactus.
06 Mar 2012Description ▼
When Nick is hurt playing a game of touch football and Jess discovers he doesn't have insurance, she brings him to her doctor friend - an OB-GYN. The gang rallies together and Nick evaluates his life when his seemingly innocuous back injury may prove to be more serious than thought.
13 Mar 2012Description ▼
After Jess realizes that Schmidt is unfairly doing all of the housework, she pushes him to "go on strike," and the entire ecosystem of the loft is thrown off balance. Meanwhile, Nick scrambles when he must pay up to Winston after losing a poker game.
17Fancyman (Pt. 1)
20 Mar 2012Description ▼
Jess and Nick go cell phone shopping. They pull Nick's credit score and find it's 250. You get 150 just for being alive. The whole sales staff comes out to laugh, they've never seen one that low and wonder if he just woke up from a coma.
Walking home, Jess suggests Nick go all "ghost protocol" on people and just be the guy without a phone.
Back home, Shelby is basking in Schmidt's bar trivia prowess, much to Winston's annoyance.
At school, Jess gets a visit from Russell (Dermot Mulroney), one of her student's dads. Jess explains they just finished sex-ed and she had to take 30 condoms off cucumbers, which turn out to be a lot harder to take off than they are to put on. Russell just came back from London, which forces Jess to avoid using her bad British accent. She's wearing a sign that says "Mr. Monogamy."
He wanted to talk about his daughter Sarah's art, which involves doll's heads. Jess explains that they get to create whatever they want during "dream sets". Russell informs Jess that from now on Sarah will opt out of dream sets and work with a tutor. Jess suggests he try spending time with his daughter instead. He leaves.
Jess goes to talk to Principal Tanya about him and learns that he's one of their biggest donors. Jess says she'll raise the money herself. "I'll get ragtag group of kids together: a lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance and one fatso and I'll choreograph some dances and make it a show."
"You did that already, Jess, it's called the spring musical," Tanya tells her.
Tanya tells Jess to go apologize and assure him from now on her classroom will be like North Korea "Math! Math! Math!"
Winston visits Schmidt in his room, asking him why he made him look stupid in front of Shelby. Schmidt asks if he wants him to take a dive next time Shelby's around, he says it's what he'd want Winston to do if he were the dumber one.
Winston argues that memorizing facts doesn't make you smart.
At breakfast, Nick complains that the problem is rich people, which is why he got rid of his phone."You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost," Winston says.
Nick is writing a letter to his friend to see if he wants to party on Friday.Schmidt suggests she blame her period. Winston wonders if someone should suggest a simple apology.
Nick winds her up with a anti-rich people rant.
Winston hangs out with Elvin, for his part time nanny job.
Jess drives to see "Fancyman" but calls Schmidt and Nick back at the loft to practice her speech. She wants to start with a quote against social Darwinism.
Her car makes a noise and then sputters to stop in the middle of traffic. Russell comes to her aid, offering to call someone. She explains she was raised poor, so when something doesn't work, she pretends it does."Some of my best memories are pushing this car on family vacations," she says.
He calls her a tow and then offers her his car. She says she doesn't know how to drive cars that work, but he tells her to return it tomorrow, when he's having a party.
Schmidt and Nick listen to the whole thing on speakerphone. They wonder if he's a super hero. Schmidt wants to know what kind of car it is, while Nick chants "we are the 99%".
The next day, Jess complains to Cece about Fancyman. Cece suggests he might have a crush on her. Jess says he's not her type."He's the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer. You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea," Jess says.
Cece reminds her Spender didn't own sheets (he slept on a pile of washcloths). Cece suggests that Jess is intimidated because she wouldn't have to take care of him.
Elvin quizzes Winston on banal trivia. Winston answers Mesopotamia and Elvin asks him to use it in a sentence. "Look, there's Mesopotamia," Winston says.
Jess takes Nick to the party and asks him to get her in a hate mode. He strolls through the kitchen and critiques. "A kitchen island? Be a man, let your counter attach to itself," Nick says.
As they stroll through the increasingly more impressive house, Nick is taken by Russell's study.
"When I put my hand on this desk I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life," Nick says.
Jess reminds him Russell stands for everything he hates. Nick settles into the chair and nuzzles the wooden duck. "I want to kill you, because I respect you," he tells it.
Jess goes out back to look for Russell. There's a genteel backyard garden party going on. Russell tells Jess her car is ready and she needs to change her oil.
She starts to make her speech and he asks if she thinks he's a snob, he says he's made a lot of money and he enjoys spending it.
Inside, Russell finds Nick wearing his cap and reading his books. And wearing his sweater. Nick introduces himself as the guy who has no phone.
Russell says when he was Nick's age he had a really skinny pony tail and was living off selling his own blood. Then he realized he wanted to grow up.
Russell gives him a cell phone he got as a Christmas present. Nick asks if it's possible to be sexually attracted to an object. Russell assures him it is. He tells Nick to keep the sweater.
Nick asks him why he's being so nice and Russell says because he's Jess's friend.
Jess wanders into the bathroom and meets the electronic bidet, but doesn't know what it is. It squirts her, so she leaps up and gets squirted in the face as she frantically tries to shut it off. Russell hears and knocks at the door.
As it squirts and speaks Japanese, Jess tells him she's not sorry for what she said and doesn't care if he pulls his funding. He tells her he'd never do that.
He assesses the damage to his bidet as she runs off. "You put it up to six happy faces, I've never gone past three!"
Jess and Nick leave the party. Jess wants to run off. Nick tells her it may complicate things, but he loves Russell. "He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse," he says.
Nick tells her to be a grown up, Russell likes her. "Don't be intimidated just because you're younger, poorer and wetter than everybody in there!" he says. Jess goes back in.
At trivia night, Winston throws out random answers to questions. Later, he confesses he didn't want Shelby to think he was stupid. She assures him she doesn't want a rich, smart guy who has his own car -- she wants him.
Winston checks if she's saying she's his girlfriend. He is. Schmidt critiques from the car, telling him he hopes Winston's bed moves are better than his street work. He offers to put on Jodeci.
Back at the party, Jess finds Russell and explains she's not used to people who have it all together. She tells him he scares her. He doesn't have it all together, he can't even talk to his own kid. She said she wanted to go bra shopping, so he bought her a ski vest.
She tells him every eye roll means he's doing something right, then admits it's just what she tells parents to make them feel better.
He asks her out to dinner. She says great, takes a step back and lands in the koi pond. Nick comes running, pulling off Russell's sweater and taking care to fold it.
Flash back to inside, Nick pretending he's a rich guy at Russell's desk, then a police lieutenant, then a businessman negotiating with aliens.....
18Fancyman Part 2
27 Mar 2012Description ▼
Jess walks in on Nick's houseguest peeing in the bathroom with no pants on. She calls it "Tony the Tiger" style, but the guys explain that shirt-no-pants is more Winnie the Pooh or any Chipmunk.
He has a law degree, business degree and Masters in agriculture. He's getting his PhD in poetry which, Jess notes, "sucks for poetry".Nick asks about her date with Fancyman.It was great until the end.
Flash to outside a restaurant, Jess oversharing about how guys her age just want to "go for the gold", but she's stingy with her gold. Fancyman ends up hugging her and patting her on the back.
Winston gets a call from Shelby. Jess turns down an invitation to Poetry Man's class.Winston asks Schmidt to borrow his car, the "manbulance" to give Shelby a ride to the airport.
Cece joins them and sees Dirk, with his scarf on, doing yoga in the living room. He asks her out, but she says she's seeing somebody. Schmidt takes note as she says she's in charge in the relationship. Dirk says that makes the guy her "sexcretary".
Winston helps Shelby pack the car for a bachelorette party in Mexico. She says she doesn't have to go but Winston says that after five nights together they could both use some space.Wrong answer.
Back at the loft, with Jess in the shower, Cece tries to get Schmidt to have a quickie. He turns her down. He tells her he quits. She hears him, but guess who didn't? She unbuttons her blouse, bringing her boobs into it. He says hi to Harold and Kumar, but still says no.
In her room, Jess tells Cece about the Russell back pat. Cece checks and yes, Jess did use her Kermit the Frog voice during the date. She urges Jess to just call him.
Dirk leads his poetry class, with a scarf and harmonica. Nick and Winston sit in. Dirk closes to a standing ovation.After class, two undergrads invite Dirk to a wine and cheese event. Dirk's woman left him because it was getting too hard to (airquotes) "support him financially". He's all about the undergrads now.
"Girls our age, what do they want? They want us to wed them, sire their children, they want you to have a bed frame, they want you to eat off plates. But girls in college, all they want you to do is tell them their photography has potential," Dirk explains to Nick.
Winston announces he's going to call Shelby, while Dirk explains that "give me some space" actually means, "let's have sex with other people."
Cece makes a stab at seducing Schmidt, putting on a business suit. She says she's willing to do anything anywhere."Even fantasy location No. 3?" Schmidt asks.
Jess tries to make conversation with Fancyman at dinner, asking him how he felt when the Beatles broke up. He was one year old. She talks about getting a mammogram and asks about his prostate. "Our bodies are decaying," she says.
He asks if she's OK and she asks why they didn't kiss the other night.He gets a text and runs out after leaving her cash for dinner and a cab.
Winston leaves Shelly a voicemail, saying he doesn't want space. "I want to be standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be coming directly out of my mouth. I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and we both pass out and die," he says, hanging up. He looks for a flight but can't find any. He shouts to Schmidt that he's borrowing his car.
Cut to Winston peeling out in Schmidt's SUV, and naked Schmidt and Cece cowering in the back.
Nick and Dirk host an afterparty in the loft. Nick is getting nowhere until a girl is impressed that he makes drinks for a living. Jess comes home and wonders why the cast of "The Social Network" is in their apartment.
Nick explains that 20 year olds think he's awesome, he's their Fancyman. Jess grabs a drink and downs it.
Winston drives to Mexico, singing to "Defying Gravity" from "Wicked" as Cece and Schmidt hide.Schmidt has to pee, but she'd rather he wet himself than admit to Winston that they're sleeping together. There'd be a lot of questions like, "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?"She doesn't want to ruin what they have.
Winston crosses the border to Mexico, on to "Popular".
In the loft, Jess kills at flip cup.Shelby calls. She flew back to see him and is in the loft.He tells her he loves her and doesn't want any space. He turns around.
At the border, the border agent asks if he's carrying any non-US citizens. He shows Winston Cece and Schmidt in the back.
At the loft, Jess rides some dude's shoulder and then sees Russell in the crowd. She dives off and hides.He finds her, but she wants a donut. He takes her for a donut, but ends up with a car full of drunk college students.
Nick falls out at the curb and brags about jumping out of his first moving car. He manages to tell Russell that Jess is one of the good ones.
On the drive back, Schmidt threatens to use the fact that Winston sings to "Wicked" alone as leverage for him keeping their secret. But Winston thinks the rules for the universe are out the window if Schmidt can get someone like Cece.
Drunk Jess tells Russell that she gets that he likes dating younger girls because they think he's cool. He explains he hasn't dated since "1989, the year I took her to the picture show in my buggy.""1989 was, my friend, the year that I learned to use the toaster by myself," Jess says.
The text he got at dinner was from his ex-wife. His daughter Sarah is with her and was having an asthma attack and he forgot to pack her inhaler.
He says he wanted to kiss her the other night and do more than that, "I'd like to do you at some point, really give it to you good, but I've forgotten how to tell when it's the right moment".
They agree it's the right moment and kiss. Outside the car, Nick, commands the poison out of his body, puking on the lawn.
Nick calls Dirk, who's still in the back of Russell's car. Nick is 100 yards from the car, but thinks he's out in the mountains. "When does a hill become a mountain?" he cries.
03 Apr 2012Description ▼
Jess shows up at Cece's door, ready to go running. Jess has her playlist all set -- Diane Keaton's audiobook. Cece isn't dressed and makes excuses.
Jess comes in and Cece's two model roommates are on the couch, one consoling the other because she accidentally ate a cookie.Jess leaves.
Schmidt pops up out the couch, causing Nadia to clap. "Jew in the couch! Jew in the couch!"Cece reminds her to use "American manners"."Sorry, Jew person in couch," she corrects.
Nick escorts a hook up out, busting out a coughing fit when the girl checks that he'll call her. Nick says sleeping with 21 year olds constantly is really stressing him out.
Winston is distracted on the couch, saying he learned something recently. Nick doesn't want to hear, he can't keep secrets, they make his back sweat. Nick tries to get away from him but Winston grabs him and shouts "Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!"
Nick makes grossed out faces. "No! This makes me hate things!" he says.
Everybody but Jess knows. Jess comes home. Nick covers by saying they're hanging out in the hall and nothing is going on.
Jess is annoyed because Cece bailed on her. Nick suggests Cece might have had a guy over and Winston whacks him. Jess figures out that Nick has a secret and confronts him. She sees the telltale sweat stain on Nick's back.
She gets in his face demanding that he fold. Nick blurts it out and Schmidt walks in the door. He apologizes that she had to find out this way.
"But can we just take a minute to celebrate me? Schmidty really did it this time, I'm having Indian every night," he says.Jess takes off after him.
Cece and Schmidt sit down with everyone to take their grilling. Jess can't believe they've been doing it for two months. "Two moons have passed" since they started, she says. Winston wonders why she talks like a Native American when she's angry.
Schmidt notes they've done it in every room of the house.Jess is mad at Winston for keeping it for three days. Nick gets no credit because he's weak.Jess walks away angry. Nick thinks what he did was really brave.
Nick walks another college hook up out. She's looking for her circular scarf. Nick's phone rings and he tries to hide the call. The girl freaks out and Nick covers by throwing his phone against the wall.
Nick admits he needs woman advice from Schmidt.Schmidt flashes back to his "lesser paramours", making out on the couch with a large woman.
"Schmidt, I need you to teach me to be a douchebag," Nick says.
Cece meets up with Jess outside before her run. She wants to join her, but Jess runs away. Cece pleads that them fighting stresses her out, she's started eating bread.
Schmidt leads the douchebag class for Winston and Nick. He addresses Nick. "In the restaurant of life, you have selected the tasting menu," he says.
Nick changes his mind about the class, but Schmidt continues on. Because Nick can't lie, he has to focus on SSV: "Short, simple, vague."
He tries to role play. He asks Nick where his phone is."Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speed boat. The environment. Bears. Family. Magic," Nick blurts.
Then in Nick's bedroom, Schmidt tells him to pretend he's a girl and he's trying to get her out of his apartment as fast as possible. Nick feels bad, saying they just had sex and he has feelings for her. Schmidt counsels him never to accept a brunch invitation.
Jess barges in."I don't want to live in a house of lies! I can't do it anymore," she says. Then, seeing Schmidt and Nick on the bed, she asks: "Is this happening, too?"
Jess has secrets she wants to confess. They involve Nick using Schmidt's chenille throw as a napkin and Schmidt saying Winston was in danger of becoming a nanny for life, "going full Poppins."
Winston retaliates. "Schmidt says he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself," he says.
Schmidt defends that it was just once and Nick has done it multiple times. Nick drags in Winston's sex dream about Jess in which she had raccoon hands.
"You've all thought about me while self completing!" she says. "We're going back to keeping secrets! When I walk out of this room this conversation never happened!" Jess says, running out screaming.
The next morning, Cece comes out of Schmidt's room and finds Jess standing in the kitchen in a ski mask and parka. She plans to wear her winter clothes until she can deal with the idea that her roommates fantasized about her.
She complains that she's never not told Cece something.Flash back to them years ago."That's what second base means? Then I'm not a virgin anymore," Jess says.Another time, Jess saying: "Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?"And another, where Jess confesses she had a dream about killing Cece.
Back in the kitchen, Cece points out that Jess tells her everything, but she stopped that a long time ago because Jess got judgmental and critical.
Flash to Cece telling Jess: "I had to give it a try, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo."
"You don't have secrets Jess, because you don't do anything stupid -- with guys," Cece says. Jess starts judging her for Schmidt.
Nick walks out. He has a lady friend over. He sees Jess in her parka and says it's kind of a fantasy of his. He asks her to say the following words: "The ice roads are too dangerous, you're gonna have to turn back, chief!"
There's a knock at the door and hook up No. 1 comes in looking for her scarf. She hears the voice of hook up No. 2 from Nick's bedroom. Soon, he's getting slapped by both.
Jess continues ranting about Cece keeping secrets. Cece starts confessing. She spent New Year's in St. Barth's with someone who might have been an arms dealer. Her feet aren't wider than Jess', she just said that to make her feel better. When they were 10, she went to the movie "My Girl" with someone else before her. And she owns a motorcycle.
Jess freaks out at Cece, prompting Winston to come out from his bedroom and rant for peace and quiet. He goes into a negro spiritual-tinged soliloquy about being Nick's lover on the downlow.
It sends the hook ups away, they decide to get manicures together.
He tells Cece to get rid of the motorcycle, but compliments Schmidt for being in the prime of his life. He also calls Jess out to admit she fantasizes about the guys, too. He doesn't work 9 to 5, he hears things.
The next day, Cece and Jess run the 10K for MS. Cece blows by the guys, saying she has to beat Jess. Jess huffs and puffs by later. Schmidt is wearing a t-shirt that says "See Cece Run". He made it and Cece thinks it's funny.
Jess runs after her.
Two girls run up together and Nick realizes he slept with both of them. They start to yell, but he calmly tells one he didn't call her because of a family emergency and he didn't tell the other about the first because their moment together was too beautiful. The girls run off, appeased.
Schmidt offers a high five and Nick is disgusted he has to give it. The Schmidt approach works.
Jess finally catches up to Cece, saying she knows why she didn't tell her, she likes Schmidt. Jess guesses that Cece wasn't ready to admit it to herself. Cece asks her not to tell anyone.
Back at the loft, Jess thinks Cece and Schmidt cooking together are cute. She leaves and Schmidt wonders how they're going to tell her that they're just having sex, nothing else. He doesn't mean it.
Winston quizzes Cece for possible explanation for why she's sleeping with Schmidt. Including: Is is a pity thing? Is he sick? Are you working for the government? If he's holding you against your will, blink twice. You tired of being turned on? You have a mole fetish?
And finally: Is it huge?
10 Apr 2012Description ▼
Fancyman takes Jess to a garden party fundraiser for a senator."I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or a really high class prostitute," Jess says."It's a political fundraiser, who's to say you can't be all three?" he says.
Jess hasn't been home in a week -- she's wearing Fancyman's boxers.Jess wants to go home, she's worried about the guys.
Cut to them drinking beer and throwing tennis balls at each other, not missing her at all.
Winston listens to a sports talk radio guy. He's interviewing for his research assistant position today.
Jess comes home. Nick didn't realize she was gone. "Is that why it's been so quiet?" he asks.She comments on Winston's mustache. "It's creepy and thin, just like I like it," he says.
She's upset they played "True American" without her. Cece calls for all the details. Then she walks out of Schmidt's bedroom in a sheet.Jess isn't used to the fact she's sleeping with Schmidt yet.
"I'm surprised this one's still standing, we burned through a lot of ideas last night," Schmidt says.
Later, Jess tells Cece it's like living in a romantic comedy montage. They throw their heads back when they laugh and she tries on floppy hats for him. She says it's perfect.Cece suggests it's not perfect because they're living on his terms.
Jess tells the guys that Russell is going to stay over that weekend. She checks that they'll be cool, then clarifies that they understand what it means.
Nick wants permission to walk Russell "the visionary" through his idea notebook.
Winston hangs out with Elvin on the swings. He checks that Elvin understands he has to get a real job someday. Elvin suggests they work on his resume, typing is not a real skill.
Winston interviews at the station for Joe Napoli. He knows Winston from his playing days and mocks him mercilessly. Winston is debating whether he wants the job when he meets a coworker: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Winston asks to sit on his shoulders.
Kareem passes him a note. When Joe leaves, he reads it: "Get out now! Run! You will die here! Best, Abdul Jabbar #33"
Nick greets Jess when she brings Russell home. He has a plate of cheeses just for Russell.
Jess makes "ethnic noodles" for Russell. Nick stares at him dreamily. Schmidt is angry he ignored his sushi restaurant suggestions. Nick steals some of his noodles and pronounces them "bowl brothers".
Winston comes home angry.
Flash to Joe giving him orders. He wants six shakes in his fridge at all times and he wants it Beyonce colored. He dumps one on his desk. Kareem pops up from the other side of the cubicle and warns Winston not to let Joe see him hurt.
Back at the apartment, Russell dumps something in the sink and it acts up. Nick attacks it with a baseball bat-sized plunger and gets tossed around, telling the other guys to "anchor" him. They line up and fight the disposal. Jess taps it and the crisis passes.
Jess suggests a game of True American -- 50 % drinking game, 50% life-sized Candyland.
They set up zones in the apartment and a trail of chairs. The booze and beer are the "soldiers of the secret order".
"Everything you hear in True American is a lie, knock on wood," Winston says.
It starts with a shotgun tip-off. Russell grabs a beer can and shotguns it like a pro. They take turns shouting out American president's names and jumping on chairs and holding numbers on their foreheads. Russell starts to figure it out, walking from chair to chair because the ground is lava.
At one point, Russell, Winston and Schmidt end up all hugging together on a chair, each drinking a beer.Cece comes home and announces she's getting in Schmidt's bed. The game ends when Schmidt quits to join her.
Russell is psyched his team won. Winston carries him around the apartment chanting USA.
Later around the table, Russell announces he's trashed. Jess is ready to call it a night, but Russell isn't finished yet.Schmidt comes out shirtless with his hands bound -- water break.Winston asks for advice for dealing with his boss who, like Russell, is a rich white man. Russell suggests a power play -- drip his "boys" in his boss' shake.Jess is appalled, the guys love the idea.
Russell shushes her and says it's guy thing.
Jess tries again to get him to come to bed, reminding him they have a big day planned. But Nick suggests the idea journal. Jess goes to bed alone.
Jess goes in to Schmidt's room in the morning to talk to Cece. She's mad at Russell. She doesn't want to fight with him because he always fought with his ex-wife and being peaceful is their thing.
Nick presents his "real apps" prototype to Schmidt, following Russell's advice. It's a fork and spoon and corn holder, Swiss Army Knife-style, to strap to your phone."It's also a gentleman's shiv," Nick says.
Back at the radio station, Joe introduces Winston on-air, then does the interview for him, again mocking his basketball abilities. Winston eyes his fridge full of shakes.
At the loft, Jess makes hangover eggs for Russell."They'll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day, or you'll just throw it all up really fast. They're high-risk, high-reward," Jess says.
Russell wants to go back to bed, but Jess tells him about the day she has planned, including apple picking. He says no way.She gets angry and they're about to fight when Nick and Schmidt interrupt with their sales pitch.
Russell hears the name "real apps" as "relapse" and Schmidt and Nick start arguing. Nick foists the prototype on him and skewers Russell's hand. He's bleeding, but they have no band-aids. Jess tapes a napkin to his hand and Russell announces he needs to go home and asks if that's a problem.
Jess grits her teeth and says everything is fine.
Winston conferences with Elvin, telling him he's decided to quit the radio station."I can't let you do that," Elvin says. He calls for his mom and yells that Winston just asked if he could smoke weed. His mom freaks out and tells Winston he'll never nanny again.Elvin gives him a smile on his way out and Winston sees he did him a favor.
Back at the station, Winston tries to throw away all the shakes, but Joe has one. He asks what Winston did to them. Winston confesses they've been compromised, then says he wants the job. He tells Joe he stuck his "beans" in them and swirled them around.Joe busts out laughing."We're going to do that to Kareem," he says.
Jess waits for Russell to come home. She wants to fight with him. She tells him her world is as important as his."And if you want to get with me, you're going to have to get with my friends -- and that is a Spice Girls song," she says.They both end up laughing.She says they just fought, but he says he won.They head inside.
17 Apr 2012Description ▼
Jess babysits Russell's pre-teen daughter for the weekend and meets his ex-wife. Then, Schmidt and Cece panic when they think she's pregnant. Also, Nick's new girlfriend may be too young and Winston discovers his new boss is a big baby.
24 Apr 2012Description ▼
Up on the roof, Nick thanks everyone for being there on this momentous day. It's been a rough year, he got dumped twice, opened himself up to love and closed himself off again.
He's decided to give up on women and put all that energy into -- tomatoes!They're disappointed."You know what, it was on us for thinking this wasn't going to be stupid," Winston says.
Nick sees hope in each of their relationships, including Jess with Russell, the man Nick could see himself growing old with."Russell, you've got a great looking face. That jawline could cut glass," Nick says.
He tries to water his tomatoes but the can breaks and crushes them. He doesn't care, he's betting on him.
Schmidt visits Cece. Her Russian roommate Nadja announces, "Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex!"Schmidt points out they've barely spoken since he nearly impregnated Cece. She wonders if the whole thing is too intense and maybe they should stop.
Schmidt says OK, if that's what she wants. Then Nadja pipes up that she'll go out with him instead. Cece starts to say no, but Schmidt says yes, if that's what Cece wants.
At the loft, Jess describes running into Russell's ex Ooly at Russell's gym. Jess was wearing a polka dot bikini and ran into naked Ooly in the steam room. Ooly gave a full-frontal hug.
"It was really foggy, and I kept making eye contact with her nipples and then I panicked and invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight," Jess explains.
Ooly is like a looming presence between them and she just wants to deal with it, even if Ooly isn't Russell's favorite person.Jess says she's really good at dealing with divorced people.
Flash back to Jess' parents fighting when she was young and Jess trying to diffuse with Cheap Trick's "Surrender:" Mommy's alright, daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird....
Out at the restaurant, Ooly asks about the quesadillas, but pronounces them with a castillian "th", earning an eye roll from Russell. And so it begins.
Russell and Ooly start arguing about a vacation they took and how Russell did or didn't get lost. Jess tries to focus on the food but soon they're standing up yelling at each other.
Jess breaks into Cheap Trick. Russell and Ooly stop arguing but then stare at each other lustily.
Later, Jess tells Cece about the heat between them.Schmidt comes out of his room and Cece tells him Nadja is looking forward to her date with him.
Up on the roof, Nick waters his tomatoes by spitting water on them. Winston talks about Shelby's cat. Birds circle and Nick screams at them. Winston brings it back to Shelby.
On his date with Nadja -- dinner in the apartment -- she lists what she likes about America, including: salad bar, "Despicable Me," David Fincher, Connect 4, sidewalk, Leon J. Pannetta.She segues to offering they do a sex party on his face.
At the gym, Ooly tells Jess she can't be in the same room with Russell without them wanting to rip each other's faces off.She compares it to standing on the bow of a catamaran, except you're naked and getting splashed with spray and you're on fire. She gets pumped up and turned on.Jess tries to relate.
"I'm just like, Russell, put away the passion and show me a moderately good time," Jess says.
On the roof, Nick builds a scarecrow. Winston asks him to keep it down because he and Shelby are trying to "make love."
Nick is annoyed and Winston asks if he's allowed to be happy."You're allowed to be happy, but it's really annoying the way you're doing it," Nick says.
Nick yells that he doesn't care about Shelby and that he used to be Winston's Shelby.Nick drives him off with a pitchfork, telling him to get off his farm.
Jess and Russell sit on the couch reading and she asks if she does stuff that annoys him. He mentions her eyes bugging out and how she squats when she thinks. She does both and gets in his face, trying to annoy him. She yells at him to show her the passion. Then flings coasters at him under he finally asks what's going on.
Something's missing and she didn't realize it until she saw he and Ooly nearly strangle each other."You want me to treat you like my ex-wife, who I hate?" Russell asks.She wants the spark. He says passion is over-rated. She asks him to take her home.
Nick brings his scarecrow downstairs and bashes it."What is this, Martin Scorcese's 'The Wizard of Oz?'" Winston asks.
Nick apologizes, but then says they used to be miserable together. Once they pooled their money and bought an online dating profile. The ladies did not dig "Ninston."
Winston urges him to not give up and tells him how calling Shelby out of the blue paid off.
Cece comes home and asks Nadja about her Schmidt date. She says "small man go to hospital." Cece rushes off.
Russell takes Jess home. He tells her he's done the explosive passion thing and being with Ooly was like getting closer and closer to a wood chipper.
She tells him she wants passion even if it's harder. So that's it. They say good-bye (but not before Jess mistakes the seat adjuster for the door handle and leaves in a final moment of embarrassment).
Cece rushes to visit Schmidt and starts to apologize to him. Then she sees the ice pack on his junk. He says things got a little out of control with Nadja and he broke his penis.
"There was a moment where it was like watching myself, watch myself. I think I finally understand what 'The Tree of Life' is about and I cannot be sure, but I am almost certain Nadj'a vagina contains a right angle," he says.
Cece is upset and finally tells him she doesn't want him to be with anyone else because she likes him. He clarifies that she likes his personality."I was surprised, too," she says.
She kisses him. But his injury kicks in. "Oh my god, my penis is having a heart attack! Don't touch me!"
He yells at her to leave, admonishing her for bending over in yoga pants. He calls for a nurse, preferably a male heavyset one. "Describe it to them as a battered highway cone," he says.
Jess comes home and sees Caroline walk out of Nick's room in her shirt only. Caroline goes to the bathroom and Jess yells at Nick, reminding him they had a terrible relationship and he only thinks it's right because he doesn't have the courage or the patience to be alone.
She storms off, yelling at him for making terrible life decisions. She says she's disappointed in him and tells him to put on his flannel and keep not living up to his potential.
Soon they're yelling at each other and she's saying she doesn't want to look at his face. So he offers his rear and then they're yelling and waggling their behinds at each other."I'm winning this moment!" he shouts.
Up on the roof, Winston tries to glue a tomato on the plant to fool Nick. Schmidt wonders if it will work."When it comes to tomatoes, no one in the world knows less than Nick," Winston points out.
Schmidt ices his junk. He can't have any excitement for eight weeks or he's in excruciating pain.Winston tests him. "Boobies. Girls with clean hair," he says.
Schmidt squirms as he's turned on and proclaims it the least fun game they've ever played."Models eating sliders, Bernadette Peters on a high beam, freshly baked bread...."
01 May 2012Description ▼
When Jess and Nick run into their exes Paul and Caroline, the gang fears they both may "backslide" into romantic relationships. Meanwhile, Schmidt desperately tries not to get aroused as he deals with a delicate medical issue, Winston suffers the consequences of a wild night out with his boss and Cece brings Schmidt to a nursing home to meet her grandmother.
08 May 2012Description ▼
Nick freaks out about moving in with Caroline and lands himself, Winston and Schmidt in the desert. They get stuck as Nick threw the key away so they call Jess, who is not much help. They decide to stay in the desert and wait till the AAA truck comes the next day. While waiting Schmidt and Cece have a fight. Jess gets the key and they drive back to Chicago; turns out Nick was not ready to move in Caroline after all as he came to live with his roommates.
25 Sep 2012Description ▼
Jess wakes up late for work and barges in on Nick singing "Groove Is in the Heart" in the shower.
In the living room, Schmidt has shaved his chest, but not his face, and is wearing a diaper made of trash bags. He wants Schmidt to scratch his itch. The trash bag is to protect his penis cast in the shower. It comes off tomorrow. Nick walks out to see Jess scratching Schmidt's butt with a scratcher.
"What am I watching here?" Nick asks."This is friendship. Pure, unadulterated friendship," Schmidt says.
Jess meets with the vice principal, Tonya. She jumps right to the bad news, saying they're laying off 10% of all non-tenured teachers. And the bad news is that Jess is one of them.
Jess points out this is not how you relay bad news, and she's a dedicated teacher. She spent two months in summer school with an Indian kid named Vaj Reejuv and didn't laugh once.
The good news is that Jess can have anything she wants from the lost and found box. She takes a tiny sparkly hat.
Schmidt comes home, triumphant with his "salty, bundle of gauze" removed cast. He announces he's staging an event to relaunch the Schmidt brand.
"You're having a party to tell girls you're ready to have sex again," Nick says."Not a party, a re-branding event.""Please tell me there isn't a theme.""There most certainly is a theme. It's a secret, it will be announced-""I'll bet it's 'danger,'" Nick predicts.
He's inviting a bunch of people, including Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Cece, who hasn't spoken to him since he dumped her.
Cece comes to pick up Jess at school.
At the loft, Schmidt wants Nick to bartend his party, because Nick "brings the heat, but you're not a threat in the looks department."
Winston wants him to make the fruity drinks girls like, but Nick says he grew up and only likes to make things that coal miners would drink. But none for Winston, he has a few and gets weird.
Winston protests that he grew up, he's wearing a suit.
"A suit? Please, that's something they put on Morgan Freeman when they let him out of Shawshank. What, did a magician die in that thing?" Schmidt says.
Jess comes home with her box of stuff from school. She tells the guys she got laid off and it's possible she's still in shock. She goes to her room.
The guys dread her crying. They go to cheer her up. She tells them how it's going to be: no pity and they should go about their day and act normal.Nick fails to act normal.
Later in the week, Nick finds Jess in her pjs on the couch. She's looking at a hospital website that says she can earn $700 for being infected with Dengue fever.She tells Nick again to be normal and mean like he usually is.
Schmidt comes in complaining the zoo won't lend him their white tiger. Jess pleads with Schmidt for a job for his party and he offers to let her be a shot girl. Nick thinks it's a bad idea.
"You don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot," Nick explains.Jess thinks he's saying she's not hot.
"You're the nurse I want to wake up to after having my stomach pumped, it's a different kind of hot. Still hot," Nick defends.Jess resolves to be the best shot girl ever.
Later at the party, the theme is danger. "But it's on a level you couldn't possibly understand, Nick," Schmidt says.Jess has come dressed as a 1930s cigarette girl.
The other shot girl is Casey (Parker Posey), she does accept payment in the form of whippets. She claims to be 26.
Later, with her boobs pushed all the way up, Casey pours booze down guys' throats. Jess, in her totally covered outfit, tries her sultry Hollywood voice to offer "firewater" but gets nowhere.Schmidt takes in the scene, then promises Nick he has something up his sleeve.
Nick knows this never works.
Flash back to them taking a test and Schmidt trying a distraction by puking. In health services they still call that "Schmidting the bed."
Winston brings a box of fruity drink supplies.
Cece arrives, with her nerd schlub boyfriend Robbie."The one shaped like a Liberty Bell?" Schmidt asks.
Schmidt points him out to Nick and Winston."Wow, Schmidty, you really lowered Cece's bar," Nick says."There has to be an explanation for this, like he's the Lord of Winterfell or he's working with a real piece of pipe," Schmidt says.
Winston tries Nick's fruity drink and immediately gets weird. Schmidt introduces himself to Robbie as a former "sexual partner of Cece." Schmidt tries to figure Robbie out.
Jess tries to make conversation while pouring booze down some guy's throat, but he chokes and she drops the bottle. Meanwhile, Casey rocks out on a table top.
Nick comes over but she warns him not to be nice. He tries mean, saying this is the easiest job in the world. The only thing easier is passing out cigarettes to prisoners. "What if I wanted to take a body shot off you? I can't, because you're wearing a turn of the century bathing costume!"
She welcomes the abuse, so he continues, telling her to get up on the bar and "shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass."They agree he went too far.
Meanwhile, fruity drink Winston dances by himself.Jess gets on the bar and does some awkward tap robot dancing. It mostly goes well until Jess shouts that she's a shot girl and realizes what she's saying.
Meanwhile, Schmidt resovles to get Cece back with the something he has up his sleeve.
The lights go out, the letters of "Danger" light up in fire and Schmidt comes out with his shirt off, twirling fireballs. He quickly realizes he has no exit strategic and urges the crowd to leave, while still calling for Cece's attention.
Later, with his shirt on and the fire out, Schmidt talks to Cece. He asks her why she hasn't called him back. She says they never would have worked, they're too alike. He asks what Robbie's deal is."He's just a nice guy," she says."And I'm just too dangerous?""Yep, that's it," she says, charitably.
Cece leaves and Casey comes on to Schmidt, saying guys call her "T-Ball" because when they step up to the plate they never strike out."Honey, what happened to you that made you like this?" he asks."I graduated from MIT and then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain."
Jess cries in the parking lot outside her school.Nick finds her there. She worries what will happen if she can't do anything else."Jess, look at me, I can't do anything and I'm kind of fine," Nick says.He assures her it'll get better, then suck, then get better.She asks him to be mean again, so he is.
Back at the bar, Winston raps "Groove is in the Heart" to himself, drunk on girl drinks.
25 Sep 2012Description ▼
The guys watch Jess cook. They try to be patient with her unemployed zaniness.Then they notice the felt art of the three of them that Jess made. Nick tells her to take a break and go "off the grid."
Cut to Jess drinking at 11 a.m. at Nick's bar."Yea, that backfired pretty quickly," he admits.
Winston preps for his mother's visit. Schmidt worries Winston's mother doesn't like him. "Because historically speaking, I'm like catnip to tough talking African-American women. It's cuz I don't front, nawhatimean?" Schmidt says.
Jess introduces Nick the bar drunk to Nick.
Schmidt runs into Winston's sister Alicia in the kitchen.
Jess chats up the beer delivery guys, including Bearclaw (Josh Gad) and Andy. Jess asks Nick to give him her phone number.
Schmidt runs into Winston's room talking foul about his sister, not noticing Winston's mom Charmaine is in the room. He tries to recover, he does not."The loft just became Big Momma's House!" he says.
At the bar, Sam from Cupid Match asks if Jess is Katie. She says she is.
Nick the drunk tells Nick that he's him from the future. He knows he didn't shower today, a girl broke his heart and he likes three feet of bar between him and everyone he meets. He has Nick's same raggedy hoodie.
Jess claims to have been to 42 Creed shows to one-up Sam's 41. He brushes hair out of her face and she jumps on him.
The next morning, Nick is still rocked by meeting future Nick. Schmidt wants Nick to ask him when he meets Kanye.
Jess comes out in her bathrobe and tells the guys she had the best sex of her night last night, left her body, went up to heaven saw her grandparents, became a werewolf, scared some kids, went back to her body. But he thinks her name is Katie and a dancer or something involving puppets.
Sam comes out and Nick and Schmidt pretend to also be dancers. Nick gets goaded into leaping around the apartment. He announces he's leaving for a couple brunches. She leaps into his arms and kisses him goodbye. He promises to text.
"I hope you don't like him, because you're not coming back from 'My name is actually Jess'," Nick says.
The guy from the bar texts Jess. She doesn't know how to handle two guys being into her.
Schmidt and Nick break it down, explaining everyone has a time in their life when two people are into them. For Schmidt, it was the third night of Hanukkah, 1996, "the night of the Shoshannas.""For me, it's every time I jet ski," Nick says.
Schmidt doesn't think Jess can handle two men."You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan," Nick says."We all know you're not the best with doorknobs," Schmidt says.
Jess insists Katie can juggle men.
Schmidt joins Winston out to fancy dinner with his mom, sister and her WNBA team.
Back at the loft, Jess tells Cece about the dirty texts she's been sending to Andy. Autocorrect changes "body" to "meatbar."
There's a knock at the door, it's Bearclaw."You're so hot, I can't wait to see your meatbar," he tells her.He has a self made tattoo tramp stamp of a bear claw.Nick calls and Jess asks him how to get out of it. "This is not my fault, I just wanted you to stop cleaning the kitchen so much," he says.
Jess gets a text from Sam to meet at the bar. She tries to figure out how to let him down easily. He asks if she'll be freaked out if they make love later and he asks her to pretend he's a scary ghost.She claims she feels sick.He offers the anal thermometer he has in his bag.
Out at dinner, Alicia tells Schmidt she only dates basketball players.
In the bar, Nick quizzes Nick."Do we ever get rich and famous?""Three words: Hot. Air. Balloon."Jess runs in, straight to the bathroom.Old Nick urges him to apologize, but won't say for what.
Jess makes out with Sam in the stall, Andy and Bearclaw come in. Andy is puzzled because he thought Jess was into him. "Do you ever get that feeling like this is a woman I could marry?" Andy says.Jess says "oh god" and they hear.Bearclaw thinks she's in trouble and busts down the door. He calls her Jess and is confused that she's not sick. Now Sam is confused at hearing her called Jess.Nick comes in and it gets worse.
With her shirt back on, Jess tries to explain to the three guys. She apologizes to Sam for stealing him from real Katie."Did I tell a lie? Yes, but in my defense, I'm off the grid!" Jess explains.Andy yells at Jess for hurting Bearclaw and Nick tries to defend Jess.Old Nick comes in and announces he's leaving. Nick runs after him. Outside, Nick asks why he needs to apologize to Jess. Old Nick tells him to make her an Old Fashioned. Then he steps into his cardboard box, puts on his tinfoil hat and makes beeping noises as he disappears into the night. Nick wishes him a good trip.
At home, Jess announces she's back on the grid.Nick makes Jess an Old Fashioned, explaining that he might do something really bad someday and he hopes she'll forgive him.There's a knock at the door. It's Sam. He confesses half his profile is made up and he doesn't care that Jess lied. He suggests they can still tear each other apart. She jumps on him.
On the playground, Schmidt prepares to go one-on-one with Alicia, who is a foot taller than him. She checks the ball to him and hits him right in the schnoz.
02 Oct 2012Description ▼
Jess knocks on Nick's door, pausing from a booty call with Sam. She's having trouble separating her feelings from sex. She told Sam she had to check her fantasy football, even though she has no idea what that means. Sam peeks out and Nick tries to cover for her but bails.
In the morning, Winston wants to know why Schmidt is wearing a cloth belt with whales on it."You look like the bad guy in an 80s high school movie," Nick says.Kanye wore it, so Schmidt is wearing it in his quest to be his BFF.
"Yo, Tag Romney, you know if your dad is going to win the election?" Winston asks.
Jess comes out in the morning, interrupting with tales of her non-sexual night. Schmidt suggests they all take her out on a friend date, to help her with Sam. "Friends help friends have meaningless sex," Schmidt says.
Later, Nick ends up at the restaurant alone. He calls Schmidt. "This place is fancy and I don't know which fork to kill myself with," he says.
Schmidt bails, he heard Kanye was at a club and took Winston with him to prove he can be friends with black people.
Jess shows up looking stunning in a tight red dress, and Nick is surprised because he forgot what she looks like when she's not dressed up like the "loft troll."They take turns being weird and awkward.
Standing in line at the club, Winston drools over girls in line. He confesses he and Shelby haven't had sex in three weeks and he's cheating in his mind constantly. Schmidt encourages it.
At the restaurant, Nick and Jess realize it's really expensive. Nick can afford the valet and "add onions." Jess brought white wine in a thermos.
Outside the club, the bouncer won't let Schmidt in. Winston introduces him as Tag Romney. Schmidt sells it by suggesting we get America back to work.
At the restaurant, Nick and Jess are drunk on smuggled wine and having a great time. Sam texts Jess and Nick encourages her to go, leaving him alone with his thermos and his soup.
In the club, Schmidt fails to be surprised when he runs into Cece. A girl interrupts, saying her friend heard Schmidt's a Romney. After he checks that the friend is hot, Schmidt calls for "security, remove the threat" and Winston drags Cece away.
Schmidt says he's "Tug" Romney.
In the morning, Jess thanks Nick for making her fantastic meaningless sex possible. She mentions she broke her dresser during it and invites him to Ikea. Winston oogles Jess as she talks, then, when she leaves, tells Nick he's become Jess's "emotional fluffer."
Jess comes back in, Ikea is an hour and a half away.
Schmidt practices his Romneyisms for Cece, who is disgusted. "You know they have Romney Olympics every summer at the lake house? I'll bet that's a real hoot, I'm sure it's like the real Olympics, except the white people win sprints," he says.
Nick brings the dresser in for Jess, then blurts out that he's not her emotional fluffer. He's like her boyfriend without the rewards.She asks if he wants the rewards. He denies it too much, making icky faces and even saying bleah.Jess says she's thought about it and suddenly he's interested.
She flashes back to last year at the bar, when he had a conversation between two nuts.
She thought about it then realized it wouldn't work because he's always sighing about everything. He thinks it wouldn't work because she's always singing about everything.
Jess calls him cheap and they start yelling at each other. It ends when she says she's going to call Sam and they're going to go on a date and talk their faces off.
"Are you happy now? I'm going to have to get to know the guy I'm sleeping with!" she shouts.
On his Romney date, Schmidt's about to make a move when they're interrupted by two sorority sisters who want to meet a Romney. He starts spinning a yarn about going fishing with dad, when he mentions them grabbing beers. One girl busts him because Romney is a Mormon who doesn't drink, but he says they just buy them to support American brewers, then dump them in the lake.
Jess has burgers with Sam, saying she needs a little conversation with her meaningless sex. She doesn't want too much, though, or she'll fall in love with him. She asks him hypothetically under what circumstances he would build a dresser for a friend.
"Am I being blackmailed? It's like a Make A Wish Foundation type thing? Anything besides marriage is an abuse. You can't do that to a friend, unless your friend is a chump. Or a certified carpenter, that would work," he says.
At home, Nick lies face down on the couch and bangs his face on the cushion. Winston says his problem is not setting boundaries. He sets some, including no Adele."But Adele's amazing," Nick protests.
Winston sums up, most importantly, Nick cannot build her that dresser because it implies that one day he will share it with her.
Later, Nick eyes the un-built dresser in her room.
Schmidt gets busted by the sorority sisters, who can't find him in any Romney pictures. He recites all 16 grandkid's names and says he's proud of his dad for taking him camping and throwing the football around. They don't buy it."Nitpicking turns me off, you're all horribly unattractive to me. Tug Romney, out!" he says.
Back at the loft, Cece comes to talk to Schmidt."Hey, I got your text. When you're going through a 'Taylor Swift-like range of emotions' I should come over, right?" she asks.
Winston zones out, fantasizing about Cece. Schmidt busts him and tells him to call his girlfriend.
Schmidt tells Cece how his dad left he and his mom when he was eight, then he had three more kids and they belonged to no one, "until she started spending all this time from this woman from work, who she still lives with today."She suggests he find a way to forgive his dad. Then she snuggles him to her bosom. "It's like memory foam," he says.
Winston confesses his mind-cheating to Shelby, who says it's fine. Then she suggests TV after their "fight." He wishes they would actually fight, or do something. "Well maybe we can fight in your mind," she says.
Back home, Nick puts the dresser together. Jess tells him to stop. He says he loves it. "It's like high stakes Legos," he says.Jess tells him she didn't know what she was doing to him and it's messy.
"It's difficult with us, we're just two people who want to be friends but are sometimes attracted to each other," he says."Aha! You have thought about the reward!"
Nick doesn't want people telling them what they can and can't do as friends.
"Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam. I'm old fashioned below the belt. I've got a Civil War era piece of equipment, and that's all she wrote," Jess says.
Nick closes by giving her a mix CD: "Nick's Sexy Mix aka 'The Original Fluffer'."It includes the Humpty Dance.
Jess listens to it in bed later with Sam, who makes her promise to turn it off when they're done. Nick jams to "Call me Al" outside the door when it comes on.
09 Oct 2012Description ▼
The guys come home and settle up their bet that Jess would be lying on the couch. She's in the middle of a TGIF marathon. She tries out her best Urkel, then Balki and Fraiser Crane. She's happy in her new job at Casserole Shanty, where in 18 months she'll be rolling into some sweet dental coverage.
Cut to Jess calling for more bean from a trough.Schmidt explains what he did today. The guys predict "crushed it."
"You used to inspire me, not specifically, because I find teaching to be icky, but in a vague, 'Look at that go getter in a brightly colored sweater' kind of way," Schmidt tell Jess, wondering what happened.
There's a knock on the door. A group of hipster 20somethings just moved in across the hall. Chaz, Fife, Sutton and Brory. Schmidt offers a fist bump. They warn him they're having people over later and warn it might be loud. Schmidt is excited and says they'll be there."Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people...." Chaz says.
Later, Schmidt tries console himself with his $49.95 a month real time actuarial service, he thinks he'll live to be 123, so he's still young. Winston is disturbed that it shows the life expectancy for an African-American male to be 67 years, but minus a year if you frequently question your career choice or have few opportunities for advancement.
Nick enjoys getting older, he feels like he's aging into his personality.
They head over to the younguns apartment. Jess is bringing casserole from work and Nick is wearing Old Spice. One of them answers and announces: "tonight's been notched down to a chill-hang."Winston and Nick bail.
The kids watch "Top Gun" on a laptop on the couch, Schmidt spoils that Goose dies. Chaz notices Jess brought Casserole Shanty and conclude she's just "figuring it out" like them.Schmidt starts to talk about his job and they moo him quiet.
Jess knocks over a bowl of popcorn and does her Urkel "Did I do that?" Having never heard it before, they find it hilarious.
The next morning, Schmidt brags to Nick and Winston that they missed an "unreal hang."She loves that the kids think she made up her 80s catch phrases. But Nick guesses they hate Schmidt. He decides to prank him, but turns down Winston's offer to help, even after he calls himself "Prank Sinatra."
Nick says Winston goes way too small...flash back to them as kids trying to decide what to do to a sleeping teacher, and Winston suggesting they pour a little juice by her shoe.... Or way too big...Winston suggests they hit her in the throat with a ski.
Schmidt comes out of his room, complaining that his hip is killing him. After he leaves, Nick reveals a shoe box full of shoe heel shavings, each of Schmidt's left shoes is 1/8 shorter than the right.
Winston suggests they take the shavings and put them by Schmidt's car."That's not a prank, that's just kind of littering," Nick says, telling Winston to think bigger.
Nick leaves to fill a pitcher with pee to pour on Schmidt's bed to make him think he's incontinent."Got an idea, instead of urine -- we use acid! Put it on his face," Winston says.
Later that night, Schmidt and Jess go to the kids' apartment. Schmidt worries his pants are too long, Nick picked them up from the drycleaners and they're sagging.
Jess warns Schmidt that the kids hate him and he'll be able to tell by the way they change the subject every time he says something.
They get off the elevator and when Schmidt asks if they're hanging out, they compliment Jess's hair. Schmidt asks about his sideburns and one mentions a plane ticket.
They invite Jess over for artichokes and hula hooping. There's a long awkward pause where Schmidt isn't invited. Finally, one cracks. Schmidt sees what's happening and pretends to answer a phone call with another offer. They walk off with Jess and Schmidt fiddles with his pants, pulling them up so he looks like Clint Eastwood (modern day).
Nick works furiously on rigging Schmidt's chair. He got up at 5 a.m. to switch Schmidt's fiber pills for placebos.
Jess comes home in the morning and curls up on the couch to sleep off a ton of quinoa.Winston is envious of Nick's passion for ruining Schmidt's life and draws inspiration from it. Schmidt comes in and announces he's "cons-to-the-pizzo." (Constipated.)
He sits down in the chair Nick rigged, sinking to the bottom like an old man. When he turns on the TV, Nick says he's blasting it. Schmidt concludes the kids hate him because he's old.
When he hears that three of the kids are in a "tri-ad" relationship, he begs Jess to help him make them forget he's old.
When she says he's not, he measures himself against his wall mark and comes up short. He thinks he's shrinking. Nick confesses he took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office and then did a spackle and silkscreen job. "It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now," he tells Jess.
"Jess this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say: Please help me be cool," Schmidt says.
Winston charges into work, announcing he doesn't want to be an assistant any more and then mixing some sports metaphors.
At the kid's place, Schmidt comes in wearing skinny jeans, a scarf and a t-shirt that says "Registered Sex Defender." Jess tells him he way overshot it.
He tries to show off his parkour moves and kicks beer on Jess. Chaz invites her to throw her dress in his laundry for his mom to do next time she's there.
Their praise Jess for getting their dish washer to work (she turned it on), then wonder why there's no dish dryer. Jess starts to hear how lame they sound as they want to focus on their art or move to Prague. Jess announces they can't be friends anymore because their relationship is built on a lie. She sends them all a link to Urkel.
Back in the loft, Jess tells Schmidt he tried too hard. He thinks that's the difference between them and she deduces that he thinks she gave up. She explains that she got fired and doesn't like working at the Casserole Shanty. He urges her not to give up teaching, try drivers ED or CPR.
She consoles herself that at least she's not 23, and at least she can legally rent a car.
The kids come over and say they want to hang out, they don't care if she stole her catch phrase from a low budget web series.
Nick shuffles through in his bathrobe, hacking. They run as Jess tells them to leave before he gets his "old" on them.
Schmidt tells Chaz not to hate him because he's old. Chaz tells Schmidt that's not why they hate him, "We hate you because you're a viciously unbearable asshead."
Schmidt is relieved and hugs Chaz.
In the morning, Winston announces he's been promoted to producer of his own sports talk show, 2:35 to 5:35 a.m.
Jess can't believe she spent the last three days trying to impress people who don't have bedframes. Nick spent the time pouring urine on a grown man's bed. They marvel over how much they could get done if they just spent that time on worthwhile things. Nick mentions he meant $1,200 to $1,300 on Schmidt's pranks, even though he doesn't have that kind of money, noting that prescription contact lenses are expensive.
She warns him never to prank her. She gets up and walks away."This is like the end of a horror movie," she says."Or the beginning of a pranking movie," he says.
In the morning, Schmidt wonders why he can't see with his contacts in. He puts on his robe, which has a hunch back in it.Winston comes in with a ski. "Ha ha! I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski, get some!"
23 Oct 2012Description ▼
Jess brings Cece cake for her birthday. But Cece says she has a car show tomorrow and can't eat it. Jess is expecting they'll stay in, watch "Clueless" and make prom dresses out of towels like they've done every birthday -- except in seventh grade when Jess left her sleepover angry because Cece accidentally hit her boob.Instead, Cece suggests they go out with her roommate Nadia and her model friends.
Back home, Nick schemes to buy a turtle. Schmidt comes home with a cookie for Nick, because he was thinking about him. Nick finds this supremely odd.
Jess comes out in her going-out-with-models outfit. Schmidt advises her to look more tired and bored. Nick thinks she put shoe polish on her eyes.
She's not looking forward to going out with the models. "I figure the best way to talk to models is just point to objects and describe them," she says. ("The table is round! Oh look, a lamp!")
"I should be able to deal with the fact that they think I look like a monkey from a Russian cracker ad," she says.
Jess arrives at the club and Nadia immediately asks her where the crackers are.
Back at the loft, Schmidt is weird to Nick."You don't think about me?" Schmidt asks."Why would I think about you?""Because we're friends, we're not animals.""We're men, Schmidt. The only time a man is allowed to think about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler," Nick says.
Schmidt says he doesn't know what is allowed in the "cold hearted Republic of Nick Miller."Nick wishes he could throw up the cookie and mash it down Schmidt's throat."You want to mama bird me the cookie?"
Back at the party, Jess sings a song about the monkey at the behest of the models. When she finishes, they tell the "monkey" to sing again. She sees Cece off talking to a guy and gets annoyed, telling them she doesn't want to and they're the worst. "I don't know why Cece would want to spend her birthday here, it's like years of modeling have made her dumber," Jess says, just in time for Cece to hear.
Nick goes to talk to Winston about his turtle plans, but Winston asks why he's hurting Schmidt. He knows how Nick is.
Flashback to young Winston upset that his pet has run away as young Nick plays with a rock. In response to Winston lamenting is lost pet, Nick says: "This rock is so round, I'm going to go put it in a jar."
In the loft, Winston points out he says good night to Nick every night and he never says it back. Schmidt goes into Nick's room every week and cleans it and then puts everything back where he found it. Winston says it wasn't a cookie, it was a piece of Schmidt's heart.
At the party, Cece is upset that Jess embarrassed her. Jess can't believe she won't eat cake on her birthday and says she feels sorry for Cece sometimes. Cece smacks her in the boob. Jess smacks back and they get in a boob slap fight. Finally, Cece tells Jess to leave.Cece turns to vodka.
Nick comes home, and Winston informs him Schmidt isn't speaking to him. He's tired of doing things Nick doesn't notice, like lining his shoes up at the door, recording his favorite shows and his turndown service.Nick notices Schmidt is crying.
Jess comes in the middle of the weird silence. "Did you guys watch porn together again? Why do you keep doing that? It's always awkward," she says.
Winston and Schmidt both get up and leave. Nick tells Jess that in March, he and Schmidt will have lived together for ten years. He knows, because Schmidt asked him what he wanted to do for their tin anniversary.She asks how they became friends.
Flashback to freshman year, Nick woke up in his dorm one day and fat Schmidt was just there, eating uncooked ramen. "You're a super weird guy," Nick says.
Back in the loft, Nick says the truth is Schmidt loves him and all Nick does is make fun of him. Jess says she's a bad friend and mentions her boob fight with Cece."I'm just going to say this: I find that arousing. Let's move on," he says.
Jess is upset that Cece is a model when she's smart and interesting. Nick asks if she ever wonders why they're friends with these people and if they would be if they met them now.
Schmidt comes out of his room and announces to Nick that he's out of tears and is now crying yellowish goo.
Jess goes to visit Cece. She finds Nadia in her underwear with "Wilmer Valderrama." Cece is sick in her room.
Jess goes in to check on her and finds her looking rough and on the edge of vomiting.
They go to the car show, where Cece insists she well enough to model. But when the guy tells her to hop on the spinning car platform, she bails. Jess steps in.
In hair and make-up, they tell Jess to be "mischievous" about the Ford eco-boost engine. They give her platform heels.
As the guy gives his Ford spiel, Jess teeters onto the platform, struggling for balance. One of her shoes gets stuck in the edge of the spinning platform and she tries to keep pace with her stuck foot. Finally, she comes out of her shoe and nearly falls down. She manages to get in the car, then gets stuck inside and spills out. Cece watches in horror.
Back at the loft, Nick brings Schmidt a cookie. They didn't have a Jewish star so he broke off the pieces to honor his heritage. Schmidt says it's terrible. Nick sputters, not knowing what Schmidt wants. He spent 45 minutes in the grocery store wandering. He was going to get him ramen like they used to eat, but he figures Schmidt probably eats fancy ramen now, with figs in it.
"You love me too much, Schmidt. And you picked the wrong guy. When are you going to get that through the giant head of yours? I'm just going to let you down!" Nick says.
They notice Nick's crying. "Just let it rain, man," Winston says."What about the turtle?" Schmidt asks."You're the only turtle I want," Nick says.
They share a group hug and Nick says he loves them. Then they break up and all find somewhere else to be quickly.
At the car show, Jess and Cece make up. Jess decides modeling is harder than it looks, although Cece assures Jess that she makes it look much harder than it is.
Back at the loft, Cece, Jess and the guys watch "Clueless" and eat cake.Jess asks Cece if they'd be friends if they met today."I don't know, but we're friends now," she says.
Back in Nick's college dorm room, he asks fat Schmidt who is favorite rapper is. "Brian Austin Green."
30 Oct 2012Description ▼
Nick freaks out preparing for Amelia, his freshman year crush, who is in town visiting.
Jess comes out in her costume for work at the haunted house. She's wearing glasses and a roughed up suit and undead make-up.
Schmidt decides she looks like a zombie Woody Allen. They try impressions.
Schmidt: "These brains are terrible, and such small portions."Nick: "On Christmas I like to eat Chinese people's brains, they're the only ones that are open."Jess: "Zombie Christina Barcelona."Winston: "Yea, I have nothing to add to this, guys."
Jess tells them she's going to Sam's later, so don't wait up.Winston rallies: "I couldn't afford my therapist, so I ate his brains." Schmidt and Nick applaud.
Jess visits Sam at work and is surprised he's an ER pediatrician. "I didn't know you were a caring person," she says.He warns her not to start thinking he's some amazing guy. Jess resists feeling something as he plays around with a kid.
Winston borrows boots from Schmidt. He and Shelby agreed to dress sexy for Halloween and he's hoping that will lead to them actually having sex."Without sex, she's not your girlfriend. She's just a friend you buy meals for," Schmidt says. He thinks Cece feels the same way about her boyfriend Robbie.
Schmidt plans to go as young Abraham Lincoln for Halloween because "statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day and Cece's American, so...."
Nick brings Amelia to the loft. When he shows her the couch he made up she jokingly asks if he's trying to impress her. He says yes a little too sincerely, but it leads to them making out.
Jess makes Robbie the costume he's always wanted: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, which involves form-fitting green spandex.Schmidt insists Cece and Robbie come to the Halloween party.
Later, in bed, Amelia asks Nick why he didn't put the moves on her in college, but he assures her he had none.She climbs on top of him and starts kissing his whole face and then chews on his lip like it's a gummy bear. He tries to pretend it's sexy.
Nick leaves Amelia in his room and runs into Jess leaving Sam in hers. "High five for sluts!" he offers.Jess thinks she might like Sam.
Amelia comes out of Nick's room and starts making out with Nick in front of Jess.Later, Nick watches as Jess invites Sam to her haunted house, hoping he'll wear a costume.
At the party, Winston dresses as Axel Foley, or at least a cop with a mustache. Shelby comes wearing a tiara and a red cape with stuffed cats and dogs all over it. "I'm reigning cats and dogs," she says.She is clothed from head to toe.
Schmidt, as beardless Lincoln, climbs on the carousel with Cece, who yells at him to get off. She's dressed as an angel, but even Robbie thinks they look like a bride and groom.
Jess tells Nick her plans to tell Sam how she feels. Nick shudders when Amelia is near him. After she leaves, he tells Jess that he doesn't like haunted houses because they're just like relationships. "You walk in, all confident, and then once you get in it's not how you thought it was going to be and it's scary!" he says.
Jess tries to encourage him to "go in the haunted house." Then Amelia shows him the pumpkin she carved with her, and him and their future dog.
Cece prepares to go on a ride with Schmidt and Robbie and is annoyed when the ticket taker thinks she's with Schmidt and dressed as a bride and groom.
Cece tells him to go home and change. Cece gets angry and Robbie pulls Schmidt aside to cool things off.
He says it's fine for Schmidt to hit on Cece and think he's dumb, but he's not going anywhere. Schmidt tries to head butt him, but Robbie easily feds him off with his meaty palm. Schmidt tries again, same result. Robbie suggests they try to be friends and Schmidt goes in for a third, then fourth head butt.
Sam shows up not wearing a costume. Jess is a little disappointed until he puts on his red foam nose.
In the haunted house, Jess tells Frankenstein and the Mummy that she plans to confess how she feels to Sam. They pause their chit chat to scream at kids.
Outside, Nick teases Sam for texting, thinking it's doctor stuff. But it's another girl, just "a weekend thing." Sam says Jess knows and wants a relationship even less than he does. Nick realizes Jess is planning to confess how she feels.He has to go in the haunted house and warn her.
Robbie and Schmidt break for snacks and Cece finds them. They agree to hang out together more.
Nick cowers from a screaming clown in the haunted house.
Winston and Shelby tour the haunted house. The undead nurse tries to guess Shelby's costume but fails. Shelby claims a sense of humor is sexy, but Winston disagrees and they argue.Finally he asks why they're not having sex and says it's not working. She agrees.
Nick keeps looking for Jess, fighting off the house's horrors. When one jumps out at him, he punches the person, realizing too late that it's Jess. With her on the ground, Frankenstein and the mummy come to defend Jess and pummel Nick, who can only curl up on the floor and whimper that it's his nightmare.
The creatures lead Nick out and Sam checks on Jess. He gives her a lollipop. She takes the moment to tell him she cares about him and wants to ask him out for real.He says he can't. He's nice about it, but says he meant when he said what he wanted. He leaves.
Amelia finds Nick, who jokes about being a coward. She remembers that he never could tell her how he felt, even when he lived in Chicago and she lived in Florida in college.She asks how he feels now. He hems and haws at first then says he fell in love with her the first time he saw her and then she just wasn't what he expected. He asks what's up with the way she kisses and jokes about it.She slaps him."Hey, I'm not an idea of a person, I'm an actual person," she tells him, then walks away.
Schmidt finds Cece and Robbie trying the strongest man hammer. He tells them they deserve to be the bride and groom. He takes off his pants and shirt and jacket and ends up in red jockey shorts and his tux vest. "Plan B was always Matthew McConnaughey in 'Magic Mike,'" he says.Then he rubs his butt on some strange women as Robbie admires Schmidt's "tree trunk" thighs.
Leaving the party, Schmidt sees Winston looking wistfully at Shelby. "You know, I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, but I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight, from a terrible relationship."
Back at the loft, Nick puts frozen peas on Nick's face and tells her he's proud of her for putting herself out there and she should be with someone who's crazy about her.She thinks it would mean more coming from someone who hadn't just punched her.
Schmidt and Winston hold Nick's arm while she cocks her fist. She decides she can't do it and Nick relaxes. Then she changes her mind and decks him.
Schmidt calculates the utility bills. Jess tries to pay with a fortune from a cookie. Schmidt says they can't keep covering for her.She asks to borrow money from Winston. "I wish I could but I'm a single man now, so basically I have to trick women in to thinking that I can buy them stuff," he says.Nick pays his share, excited that he's not the poorest any more. Schmidt tells Jess he's shutting off the gas bill until she can pay it. The guys protest and suggest she get a job. She has a lot of choices to make about her resume, like spacing and font size.When they start to yell at her, she pleads PMS."I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels," she says.She gets up and starts yelling at them, threatening to kick them right in the junk if they cross her. Nick objects, saying it's not fair that women have one week a month where they get to act irrationally angry.She points out he's like that every day.Cut to him getting angry when he pushes a door that says pull and screaming he hates doors.Nick tries to deal with the idea he might have anger issues. He takes a walk.He's sitting on a park bench when an old Asian man sits down too close to him. He tries to yell at him, but he's unnerved by the man's beatific smile. He goes from yelling to oversharing. He likes the man's blue hat, asks him whether he'd like to be covered in fish scales or feathers and offers to show how high he can jump.He realizes the man doesn't understand a word he's saying as he comes to the conclusion he has an anger problem.At drinks with Cece and Robbie, Schmidt tells them about a woman at work, Emma, the VP of North American something or other. Cut to him meeting her in the break room and Emma (Carla Gugino), biting his ear.Robbie suggests Schmidt needs a nice girl, like Cece. She's disturbed he thinks she's nice.At the loft, Schmidt cancels the gas to prove a point. Winston asks if he can confess something, then says he thinks he's getting his period, "sympathy PMS."Jess comes out in her bathrobe, yelling over there being no hot water. Nick comes in all cheery and smiley.Schmidt tests the idea that nothing will upset Nick and shares Winston's sympathy PMS."No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston!" Jess shouts."No part of this conversation is making me want to blow over with rage," Nick says, then washes his hand and finds out about the lack of hot water. When Jess protests that it feels like a fat man is sitting on her uterus and Winston relates, Nick screams and leaves.At work, Schmidt reports to Emma, who tests his reflexes by throwing a shoe at him. She has a contract for him to sign."After we do what we do, you're going to want to talk and I can't allow that. The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on creating a viable sexual experience for both of us. You're going to want to sign it," she says.It includes warning about lead paint and mercury exposure. She gives him til the end of the week to sign it.Nick meets up with his "magical best friend" again in the park. He starts guessing names and settles on "Tram" when the man smiles. He complains about his roommates and then admits he likes them. He asks Tram to show him the way to become him. Tram leads him away.Jess waits for her interview. It's going well when she mentions "To Kill a Mockingbird" and the woman's dog is named "Boo" after "Boo Radley." Jess breaks down in tears when she sees a picture of it in a teacup.Cece comes to the loft, angry that Robbie thinks she's nice. She worries he'll run when she finds out she's not nice. Schmidt assures her he doesn't think she's nice and he won't run.She wonders if maybe she's not made for a functional relationship. She kisses him, then stops. She doesn't want to hurt Robbie, maybe she is nice.She leaves and Schmidt contemplates Emma's contract.Tram takes Nick to an underground pool. Tram encourages him to strip to his underwear and get in the water.Cut to Tram holding Nick. "Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend? This is not how guys of my generation hang out. This is a moment that got away from me, my man," Nick says as a woman plays soothing wooden flute in the corner.Tram turns Nick so he's holding him by both arms, letting him float. "You are a huge baby," Tram says soothingly.Back at the loft, Jess and Winston are hanging out like girlfriends. He's eating red vines and using a hot water bottle. He took a sick day and painted a water color of mountains.He thinks he might get this every month because Jess is the alpha.Nick comes home, all glowy and fuzzy. He offers her a sanitary napkin or whatever she might need, then offers 30 seconds of direct eye contact. She tells him she bombed on her interview.Cut to them in the pool, Nick trying to recreate his experience, but failing. He holds Jess in a stranglehold and flops her around until she bails.He tells her it's not PMS, she's doubting herself, but she has to pick herself back up.Jess goes back for another interview.Schmidt brings his signed contract to Emma. She takes out ropes to bind his hands, but fumbles them. He laughs, asking if it's her first time. Then realizes it is. She reminds him she's legally prohibited from rejecting her and commands him to take off his pants. He complies.Back at the loft, Schmidt leads the celebration of Jess getting a job. She's teaching creative writing to adults.He cranks on the faucet. "There's going to be hot water in six to ten minutes, fools!"They start jumping to "Jump Around" but find Winston in bed."I don't really have PMS," he says."I know, you're a man," Nick says.Winston confesses it's all about Shelby.
When Jess's parents, Bob and Joan, show up at the same time for Thanksgiving dinner, Jess takes the opportunity to "parent trap" them into a reconciliation, but her ploy backfires. Meanwhile, Schmidt and his bigger ex-Marine cousin, Big Schmidt, engage in a "manliness" competition.
Jess hosts a five year anniversary party for her gay friends Melissa and Sadie. Nick totally relates as Melissa explains the secret to their relationship is her love of boobs.They all try to block out Schmidt's moon landing mission foreplay coming from his bedroom where he's "entertaining" his boss Emma.Sadie takes the moment to announce she's pregnant. As a gynecologist, she tells Cece and Jess that a woman's fertility drops when she hits 30. Melissa mentions a test you can take that tells how much fertility you have left."Get this baloney- I'm 32, but my eggs are 48 and my vagina is 97," Melissa says."I am so uncomfortable right now," Nick says."And it gets better with age -- it's like the vagina Helen Mirren. I've got big plans for the centennial," offers Sadie.Jess wants to take the test immediately.Winston comes in to leave for his new night shift and Nick begs to go with him to escape the vagina talk.In his room, Schmidt basks in his post-sex glow, but his boss says it was "fine." Then she tells him it was essentially horrible for her.Nick goes to Winston's middle of the night radio show and is inspired. He says he's going to go home and write his zombie novel, but Winston has his doubts.Before Sadie leaves, Schmidt has a few questions for her as a lesbian and gynecologist, which makes her a "vagenious." She tells him to make an appointment.After they leave, Jess freaks out about her dwindling baby making years. "What if all that's left are the weird eggs and the evil eggs? I can feel them, they're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized!" Jess says.She runs to the window and shouts "give my nipples a purpose!"Cece and Jess visit Sadie to have blood drawn for the test.Back in the loft, Jess gets rid of anything with toxins, including the microwave."It makes burritos delicious!" Nick protests.Schmidt interrupts, saying his inability to satisfy Emma has rocked his world.Nick tries to work on his zombie novel but gets nowhere.When Jess worries who might impregnate her some day, Schmidt volunteers. Then Winston steps up, offering his "Blair Underwood-like skin." Nick does not volunteer, even though he says he'd love the child.When Winston asks Nick how his novel is going, he resolves to live more like Ernest Hemingway."I need real life adventure, like Ernest Hemingway had at my age. I've gotta run with the bulls. I've gotta kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him and then sleep in the warm belly of his horse. I've gotta eat my way out of a sandwich house!""How much you know about Hemingway?" Winston asks."Not a lot, but I'm gonna learn! I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway, idiots!" Nick says.Sadie meets with Schmidt and, using a diagram and many, many euphemisms, they discuss their approaches to lady love making. "I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, and answer his riddles three," Schmidt says, turning Sadie on."It's the baby hormones, they are not as gay as me," she explains.She proclaims him a "vagenious."Nick wakes Winston up to take him on a "real life experience" to the zoo. Winston tries to stay with it on 13 minutes of sleep. Nick drinks from his midday flask of "writer's fuel."Jess and Cece wait to hear their results from Sadie. She tells Jess her hormone levels are outstanding, prompting her to sing about being "queen of the eggs." She looks at Cece's, pauses, and then says they should talk in private.Later, Cece says Sadie told her if she wants to have a kid she has to start right now. She didn't want to have to think about it.In bed, Schmidt waits for his reviews from Emma, after playing out her most secret fantasy "French Maid handyman does Studio 54 busboy." He's covered in feathers and jewels, but she only gives it an "eh."She's disappointed, but he assures her he knows what she's doing. After her divorce, she thought she could go out and have meaningless sex with an underling, but it turns out she has to feel something. Schmidt tells her with his ex-girlfriend it was effortless and he just felt connected. She tells him that's love, idiot.They pleasantly consider their sex contract void.Jess and Cece meet up with Winston and super drunk Nick at the zoo. Nick wants to go look at snakes as Winston complains that with his adjusted schedule he needs some sleep.Winston tells Nick he's not a finisher, which is why he didn't finish law school and is only three episodes into "Downton Abbey."Cece calls Robbie to meet her at the zoo. He wants kids in, like, ten years.Back at the loft, Nick wakes Winston up to show him his finished novel "Z is for Zombie." He stayed up for 14 hours to finish it and even peed in water bottles.Jess drops in on Nick."I knew it, I knew you'd choose me to get you pregnant," he says.Schmidt comes in, upset to realize he's in love with Cece.Winston comes in, proclaiming that the book is the worst thing he's ever read. Nick spelled rhythm 14 different ways. Winston begins a reading.
Jess interrupts the guys on the couch to make her pitch for getting a bathtub, including rose wine and bubbles. Schmidt thinks they're "medieval filth cauldrons." He doesn't want to soak in "testicle tea."Winston is tempted, but they hold a loft vote and Jess is outvoted 3-1.Emma (Carla Gugino) brings Schmidt a potential account for Double V Vodka. She tells him to come in tomorrow in his best suit and make his pitch. He turns to his binder full of action shots of him in suits.Later that night at the bar, Nick stares at a mystery girl (Olivia Munn) in the bar he has nicknamed "Thirsty Mendelsohn." She's drinking Miller Lite and a shot in a booth by herself.Jess and Winston urge him to go talk to her, but that would violate his "never cross the bar" rule. Flash to him trying to break up a chick fight, noting neither of them are wearing the right bra for it. And then holding a ferret.Winston pulls Jess aside to talk about the bathtub. He wants it but doesn't want the guys to know he wants it.Cece joins them and tells Schmidt and Nick she just broke up with Robbie. She told him she had to get serious about her future. He said OK, and then nothing since.Schmidt fails at being cool about it. She's so lovely, he'd eat her hair out of a bowl.The next morning, he tries out his lines for Cece in the mirror, including that she's his boo. Nick interrupts him. He wants Nick's blessing to tell Cece he loves her. Nick resists the hug, but Schmidt flings himself at him.Up on the roof, Jess and Winston fill up their new bathtub with the hose. Then one end of it crashes through the roof -- right onto Schmidt's entire rack of suits below.They freak out, then call the super, Remy, to fit the hole. He patches it, but that leaves the problem of the ruined suits.They decide to fake a robbery to get the renter's insurance.They go through the bathroom and Jess's room "stealing" stuff. Jess doesn't think the imaginary meth head robbers would want anything from her room.At the bar, Nick sees "Thirsty" in an argument with a guy who storms out. Nick steps out from behind the bar. He offers her a whiskey, because "you're a whiskey girl, like me."Her name is Angie and she tells him to grab a bottle and join her.Back at the loft, Schmidt surveys the damage. "They took my doctor's appointment suit! They took El Capitan!" All they left was his summer suit with a lightning bolt on the back.He says it's a good thing he has a security camera in there so he can review the footage.Winston panics.Drunk Angie jokes that she doesn't have any money and plans to pay for the whiskey with sex. She gets drunk Nick to suggest she dump her boyfriend.At the loft, in his summer suit, Schmidt reviews his footage, including when he was lowering his bar sexually. Winston tries to keep from cracking under the pressure, which somehow involves taking off his shirt.Schmidt goes to see Cece in his summer suit with a lightning bolt on the back. He brings her a box with a bow on it. There's a pigeon inside because he couldn't find a dove. He professes his love. He's ready for a commitment and kids if she is.But Cece says her mom will hate him, she hates Jewish people."Everybody hates the Jews, your mom's in the majority! I'll convert to Indianism," Schmidt says.He asks her out to dinner that night.Jess finds panicked Winston lying on the roof in his briefs. She thinks he's having a panic attack, but he says it's just the willies, the same thing that happened when he went to take his driver's test.Flash back to him in the car to take the test, then freaking out, hopping out of the car and running away, pulling off his shirt and pants.Angry Mike comes into the bar looking for Nick. Nick tries to pass himself as Ricardo but when Mike reaches across the bar and grabs him, Angie knocks him out with a napkin holder."He was going to kill you, I've seen him do it before," Angie says.Angie says she knows someone at work who can give him stitches.Emma listens to Schmid's Double V pitch, then suggests they do a shot for every vitamin so he can get to know the product. Schmidt wants to make it to his dinner date, but has to stay.Jess tries to make Winston feel better about his panic attack by demonstrating her claustrophobia in a closet. But the closet door gets stuck and they both freak out, leading Winston to disrobe again.Angie and Nick carry unconscious Mike into a strip club. Nick doesn't understand why they're there for stitches, but the janitor sees Mike bleeding and goes to get his needle and bifocals.Nick looks for an explanation. Angie's a stripper. Not because college was too expensive.Another stripper asks what happened to Mike. It's his wife. They get in a fight. Nick tries to break it up but is also seriously turned on.Schmidt shows up late and drunk at Cece's. He got the account. She's angry when she learns he was with the boss he used to sleep with. "She just wanted me to taste the V -- that came out wrong," drunk Schmidt says.He tells Cece he thought about his boss's boobs once ("they're still really nice") but now he can pay for their baby's college. He goes to sleep in Cece's lap. She leaves her mom a voice mail telling her she's ready for her to set her up.Remy the super comes up with a crowbar and lets Jess out of the closet. She's stripped to her tank top and Winston in his robe. Remy checks to make sure they're not up for a threesome and leaves.They have to decide what to do about Schmidt's suits. Jess feels like there's an obvious solution.Cut to Schmidt coming home in the morning to find Jess and Winston gagged and bound to a chair. Jess explains the meth heads returned his suits because they don't fit and got them dry cleaned.Winston is trying to go along but then blurts out that he wants a tub and bubbles.Schmidt doesn't care. He told Cece he loved her and she called her mom. "She's going brown," he says.At the bar, Angie comes to hang out with Nick. He explains he broke his don't cross the bar rule. She says she doesn't have any rules, then climbs over the bar and kisses him.Back to Schmidt practicing his "I love you speech" for Cece in front of the mirror: "I'm a man with feelings, and they're bubbling up inside of me and they're about to explode. I'd like them to explode on you."
11 Dec 2012Description ▼
The gang tries to attend a lot of Christmas parties. Cece talks to Schmidt about becoming just friends again. Jess tries to avoid Sam; he tells her he wants to get back together. Nick has trouble adjusting to his adventurous girlfriend.
08 Jan 2013
13A Father's Love
15 Jan 2013Description ▼
The group plays a game of "feely cup," which involves Nick putting his hand in a mug and trying to guess what's in it. (It's not a baby carrot or battery.) Nick's dad (Dennis Farina) drops by and recognizes the game. He immediately identifies the object as a tampon wrapped in duct tape and dipped in baby powder. Nick tries to seem happy to see him, even when he announces he's taking Nick's bed. Walt Miller is a con man, according to Schmidt. Winston is fascinated by him. Nick comes in to angry-fix the sink, banging on it as he explains this might be why he has trust issues and anger. Later at dinner, Walt tells the story of the time little Nick got a tick at the end of his penis, earning him the nickname "Little Penis." Jess is charmed by him. "Because that's what he does: He lures you in with his charm, and his mustache and his perfect hair," Nick explains. Ordering drinks at the bar, Schmidt tries not to care about the Indian dude Cece is dating. Jess urges Walt to talk to Nick, saying she believes in second chances. He asks her if she's ever been to the track. Walt takes everyone to the track. He gives Nick money to make a bet. Schmidt spies on Cece on her date with an old Indian dude. He sees Robby at the next table over, doing the same thing. Cece busts them. Walt tells Jess that all Nick wanted as a kid was to own a horse. Jess thinks that's odd since Nick hates living things. Walt tells Jess he found one to buy and she's going to help talk the seller down. Cut to Jess pretending to be a vet student as she negatively evaluates the horse Walt's interested in in front of other prospective buyers. She downgrades it for bad split ends. Winston, whose dad left when he was three, thinks Nick should go easy on Walt, even though he owes Winston $1,100. Nick realizes Walt's with Jess and is most likely going to rip her off. Schmidt and Robby commiserate over Cece. Schmidt wants to get Cece back with Robby and then "smite" him. Robby only likes the first part of the plan. Nick finds Walt and Jess. She tells Nicks they made his childhood dream come true. Nick never wanted a horse. And she might have given Walt money. At the loft, Nick tells Walt that Jess will believe anything.He proves it, telling her: "My real name is Jameel.""It is?" she asks. Walt claims he has plans to resell the horse at a profit and Nick insists on going along, despite the fact that lying makes him sweat. Schmidt and Robby brainstorm ways to impress Cece, including a barber shop quartet and self-immolation.Cut to them pounding on Cece's door chanting "cool guy power!" She answers the door wearing a traditional sari. The apartment is packed full if Indians. She can't go on a date with Paven until their families meet -- she was meeting his uncle earlier. Robby thinks Paven is gorgeous. Robby and Schmidt give each other complimentary pep talks and leave. At the midnight horse deal, Nick asks Jess to wait in the car. Nick is already sweating profusely. When the buyers see him sweating, they think he's a cop and might be wearing a wire.They order him to strip and dance. He prances like a monkey in his wife beater and boxers. He insists he's not a cop, he just sweats when he's lying. When the buyer takes out a tire iron, Nick fakes a diabetic seizure. The buyers take off, and so does Jess, saying she's forcing Walt and Nick to talk to each other. "I have been mad at you for 30 years. I am not a successful adult! I do not eat vegetables and/or take care of myself, and it's because of you!" Nick says. He just wants his dad to say sorry, but instead Walt offers Nick his pants, which the horse eats. Walt admits he made some mistakes. He offers to take Nick to a game tomorrow. Schmidt and Robby share beers at the loft. The next morning, Jess catches Walt sneaking out. She tries to keep him from leaving, but he distracts her by pointing at nothing and tells her to keep an eye on Nick. Nick finds Jess angry hammering on the sink and urges her to put on goggles. "Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes. It's a bigger target," he says. Jess tells Nick his dad left. Nick is surprisingly OK with it. "If someone's broken, they just stay broken," he says.Jess tells him he's not and should be much worse than he is. "There's a lot I don't tell you. I haven't done laundry in five months. I'm not wearing underwear, I'm just wearing a big sock right now," he says. Schmidt and Robby continue brainstorming ways to get Cece, including a three person canoe, night vision goggles and joining the Navy.
22 Jan 2013Description ▼
Cece is staying at the loft because her shower is broken.Jess comes in, triumphant over a breakthrough with a student, which she chooses to celebrate with pantomime and bad dance.Schmidt demands payment in the new "annoyance bowl." She told the class to write anything, just load it up with descriptive words and she thinks a guy named Edgar nailed it. Winston comes into the kitchen in his boxer shorts. He brushes by Cece, who is still in her robe, and his man parts accidentally bump right into her. They have an awkward moment and then everyone else tries to get out of the way of Winston's swinging bits. Later, Nick reads from Edgar's writing, about how he's a stalker by night who follows a deer and loves stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. Nick doesn't think it's safe for Jess to be around Edgar and decides to investigate. He begins by Googling. Winston tries to talk to Schmidt about bumping into Cece, but Schmidt says it's not a big deal that he "pogo'd" her. Winston is horrified to learn they have a verb for what he did, which Schmidt says he's done to everyone in the loft at some point. "Your penis accidentally changed the channel when we were watching the Bears game once," Schmidt says.Winston turns it on him, saying that Schmidt pogo's people all the time. In Jess' class, Nick joins as "Julius Pepperwood," wearing a baseball hat and using a really bad Chicago accent. Edgar comes to class late and Nick sits next to him. He sees that Edgar is drawing a picture of a deer with a knife in it and blood pouring out. After class, Nick tries to grab a note out of Edgar's back pocket and steals his notebook. Jess invites Edgar to office hours. Back at the loft, Schmidt thinks he's figured out what his "pogo" is. He guesses: that he dances like a sea snake, barges into people's showers or has caterpillar eyebrows. He reveals his newly shaved half-brows. Nick shows Jess the pages of Edgar's notebook, with drawings of various things dripping with blood. He plans to go to Edgar's house and look for more evidence. Jess insists on going to bail him out after he gets arrested. Schmidt won't let Winston alone, demanding to know what his "pogo" is, but Winston says it's worse knowing.When Cece asks, Winston tells her it's the thing your friends talk about when you leave the room. "Oh, like your barnacle toenails?" Cece says to Schmidt.Winston says his feet look like a Swiss Army knife. Jess and Nick sit outside Edgar's house. He insists they need a safe word, like "apricot". They sneak up to the house, arguing the whole way, when they see Edgar's mom bring out the trash. They hide in the backyard when Edgar pulls up in his plumbing van. They watch as he pulls a black duffel bag out of this truck and into the garage. Nick tries to look in the garage, but Jess's "I'm So Excited" ringtone starts playing. They run. Back at the loft, Jess and Nick come home to Schmidt's half-brows and Winston working on his toenails with a knife. Schmidt knows they call them "clickety clacks" or "centaur boots." Suddenly, Jess wants to know hers. So does Cece, but they tell her it's a loft thing.Jess pesters them so they tell her: she's a know-it-all. Nick doesn't feel the need to know his, but they're worried about him. Schmidt crumbles vitamins and puts them on Nick's food and they take turns putting money in Nick's pants pockets before he puts them in the dryer. Nick goes back to Edgar's garage and tries to look in. When standing on a rolling giant tire doesn't work, he tries a ladder. He sees drawings of the stabbed deer and a lot of drawings of Jess, including some of her with antlers. He calls Jess and tells her that Edgar wants to kill her. "You're the deer in his story! Get out now!" She's at school for office hours and plans to use the safe word if she has any issues. Edgar walks in and she starts shouting "apricots!" She explains she has a deaf grocer. Nick drops his phone into the garage and falls in after it. In class, Edgar explains he's come up with a surprising resolution to his story, which now stars her. She has to die. Jess tries to convince him to be unsurprising. Her phone rings again and Edgar recognizes her ringtone and runs out. From inside the garage, Nick is relieved she's safe. But then Edgar's mom whacks him on the head and knocks him out. Nick wakes up with Edgar and his mother standing over him. Jess barges in and jumps on Edgar, so his mom maces her.Jess flails around Edgar's garage, knocking things over. Cut to later, everyone having a laugh that Jess thought Edgar was a murderer. Jess was just going to be a character in his graphic novel but -- they won't answer any questions about the duffel bag. Jess tells Edgar's mom she should be proud her son is a great writer. Except she's not his mom. They smooch. She goes to get the duffel bag and meet him inside. Back at the loft, Nick adds butter to his frying bacon. He doesn't want it to stick to the pan. Jess sees Nick is working on a new novel about Julius Pepperwood, zombie detective. He has a friend, "his Gal Friday, Jessica Night." Winston joins them in his boxer shorts and Schmidt comes out to see what's cooking. Nick didn't hear him coming without his toenails. Nick's bacon bursts into flames, but Jess doesn't say anything as they try to douse the fire with water -- she doesn't want to be a know-it-all. Winston tosses his robe on the burning pan. Nick congratulates him for putting out the fire by hugging him, running into Winston's pogo again. As Winston runs for cover in his room, they discover his other pogo: farting when he runs.
29 Jan 2013Description ▼
Nick shows off his fancy new wardrobe -- a woman's trench coat that was accidentally delivered to their address. He doesn't want to take it off and twirls around like Maria on top of the mountain in "The Sound of Music". Schmidt comes out of his bedroom in a sheet loincloth, announcing that he's been trying to get something going with himself for an hour. "It's like taffy pulling on a hot summer's day," he says. "I'm over myself, I just don't do it for myself anymore. I even bought myself a sexy new pair of underpants," he says. He vows that he's going to have some sex tonight. As the guys get ready for a night on the prowl, Nick can't stop boogeying in his new lady coat. Jess wants to come, but Nick explains she's his "cooler." Flash to Nick trying to pick up a girl and Jess reading her palm, asking if she had one very special longtime love and saying she should be with him. Jess tries to pretend she's not offended at being left behind. Cut to the bar, where they complain that Nick got them kicked out of the club. A hot girl (Brooklyn Decker) walks in and they all try to call dibs on her. Winston gets there first, but can't form actual words. Another woman laughs at his plight. He sits next to her and is tongue-tied again, but she releases him by showing she's engaged. Schmidt and Nick continue to fight over the hot girl, and then actually end up fighting over her. Back at the loft, Jess makes a pile of her clothes, talks to a Nick doll she made and runs around without pants on.She hears scratching noises outside the door and goes to see who it is but the hallway is empty. Nick explains to the hot chick that the trench coat is his confidence booster. Schmidt is aghast when she tells Nick she likes sad guys and seems to like it when Nick says he hates himself. At the bar, Winston explains to Daisy that he can't talk to women. Daisy says she likes a challenge and he seems like one. At home, Jess sits in a protective cushion fortress and leaves Sam and Cece messages, calling for backup. At the bar, the hot chick is turned on by a guy like Nick who needs her to feel better. Jess calls Nick's phone and Schmidt answers and sticks it in his face to interrupt Nick with Holly (the hot chick). Nick tells Jess to quit being a cooler, but she says she needs him. The guys, Holly and Daisy all show up at the loft to find Jess wielding a baseball bat. Nick assures her the loft just has old pipes. He tries to explain that Holly is turned on by his misery, and that bodes extremely well for him. Jess vows to help him get laid, whether he wants her help or not. She suggests a game of True American, "Clinton rules". The floor is lava, they run for furniture, calling out names (including Abu Nazir), until Holly gets caught in the "field of grain" and Jess announces she has to take off her jacket. Meanwhile, on Cece's date with a nice Indian man, he apologizes for crying during the movie and says it made him realize how much he wants kids. She sees Jess' multiple texts and they head for the loft. Back in the game, Schmidt violates the rules intentionally to have to take his shirt off. He squeezes onto an ottoman with Nick and Holly, but Jess cites a rule to run him off. Under a table, Daisy tries to give Winston a girls pep talk. She pushes out her boobs and makes him practice. "Hey girl, what your name is? What that thang do?" he says, stumbling badly. She laughs at him until he manages a whole sentence. Jess is down to a bra and a tutu. Jess declares the game impasse can only be resolved by two people going behind the door and kissing. Nick tells Holly what number to throw, but she's too drunk to get it right and Nick ends up with Jess. She is forced to admit how, in this instance, again she might be seen as a cooler. From the other side of the door, Nick and Jess pretend they've kissed. Left alone with Holly, Schmidt appeals to her love of sad guys by telling him how Cece broke his heart. Sensing his opportunity slipping away, Nick prepares to kiss Jess. He checks to see if she's a "tonguer" first. He starts to count down, then stops. When he moves in for the kiss, Jess tells him he can't make that face or come in with his teeth. They call the whole thing off. Holly tells Schmidt his tale is more depressing than sad, but he piles it on until she's into it. She's kissing him when Cece and her date walk in. Holly tells Cece she has to move on. "I'm sorry, you love that small shiny man?" Cece's date asks. Holly asks Schmidt if she's lying, so he goes to Cece and asks her to confess that she's still in love with him. She understands he's just trying to get laid and plays along. Nick and Jess plead to be released from the other side of the door, but no one helps. Daisy tells Winston she just wears the ring to keep guys from hitting on her. She's single and asks what he's going to do about it. He finally kisses her. "C-minus, you kiss like a damn bitch," she says. She's kidding. On the other side of the door, Jess admits she's Nick's cooler, but he's his own cooler 70 percent of the time. With some grooming, she thinks he'd be smoking hot. They're about to have a moment when finally Sam arrives. He asks what they're doing, then immediately joins in, cheering them on. Jess tries to goad Nick into kissing her. He keeps saying no, then finally says: "Not like this!" Jess asks what he means, but she knows. Then Nick panics and climbs out the window. Back inside, Schmidt and Winston make sure Nick's OK. Winston says they'll talk about Nick on the ledge tomorrow, "but first, I'm gonna go do stuff with a girl," Winston says. Schmidt goes to his room with Holly, and Sam goes to Jess's room, leaving Nick alone. In the middle of the night, Jess hears the scratching noises in the hall again. She calls on Nick to investigate, he comes out in his trench coat and opens the door -- and gets jumped by a giant dog. The dog's owner recognizes her trench coat on Nick and demands it back. Jess and Nick head back to their rooms, bidding adieu to confident Trenchcoat Nick. But before he goes back to his room, Nick grabs Jess and really, truly kisses her, long, deep and with meaning. She kisses him back. "I meant something like that," he says. Then he turns, and goes into his room. Sam comes out with Jess' Nick doll with the melon head. Jess is still trying to figure out what just happened when Sam dumps the doll on the floor. Nick's melon head splats.
05 Feb 2013Description ▼
After their kiss, Nick freaks out alone in his room. "Oh, you kissed her, you idiot!"Jess can't sleep in her bed next to Sam. Jess confronts Nick in the hall, but he moonwalks away poorly to hide in his room. Jess gets back in bed and pretends she didn't lie awake all night. Sam wakes up and tries to fist bump her when he sees 10 new emails. Jess wants to tell him but he marvels at how beautiful she looks in the morning. Jess goes to Cece and announces what happened. Nick tries to talk to Winston, but he's aglow from having the best sex of his life. "I didn't even use my hands," he says. Winston does a little "Mojo Man" dance. Jess rants to Cece. "I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress, he just, like, grabbed me and he took me. He was a man and I was a woman, and it was firm but tender. Yea, I saw through space and time for a minute, but that's not the point," Jess says. Cece is swept away and admits she misses sex. Cece asks Jess if she likes Nick. She laughs and insists she won't let him ruin things with Sam. Jess wants to hang out with Cece for the day, but she's going to an Indian marriage convention. Back at the loft, Schmidt is dressed up like Zoltar from "Big," with plans to attend as well. Nick and Winston tag along. They all end up at the convention. When Nick sees Jess he panics, moonwalking backwards until he falls over. Winston finally asks him what's going on. When Nick tells him, Winston punches his junk, saying that when it goes wrong Nick will have to move out and Nick's a weird enough roommate. (He named his testicles Sharon.) He tells Nick to apologize and make it right, punching him in the Sharons again for good measure. Cece confronts Schmidt, who admits he's not over her. "I'm a squirrel, you're my nut. Winter's coming, I'm going to store you in my cheek, girl," he says. Nick finds Jess and apologizes, saying it meant nothing, like kissing a cousin. Jess tells him he can admit it meant something, which he turns around on her. She calls Sam to come get her. The woman organizing the conference announces people have been grouped by resume. Cece is chagrined to be seated with Nick at table 34. Winston didn't get assigned a table because the organizer has saved him for herself. He realizes she's feeling his mojo. Jess is at Schmidt's table. Sam shows up and is assigned to table one. The organizer starts the ice breakers, which include trying to pass a hula hoop around a circle as people hold hands, to show how compatible people can be. Nick enjoys himself as Sam and Jess fumble. Jess accosts Nick at the bar, where he insists he's going to keep pestering her until she admits the kiss meant something to her. They're assigned to make a table to hold a phone book out of only tape and newspaper. Nick defends their kiss as like something from a fairy tale. They argue their way through making what turns out to be an indestructible table. The organizer says a strong table means they're a strong couple. Nick jumps on the newspaper footstool, but it just won't break. Later, Sam faux-congratulates Jess on the table and she says it didn't mean anything. They rotate down a line to talk to different people at the event. Schmidt intervenes as a guy is rude to Cece. Jess moves the woman across from Sam to talk to him. Cece and Nick end up across from each other and Cece says they ended up at the low table because neither of them think things through, they just do things without thinking about how they might hurt people. Down the line, Jess tells Sam what happened with Nick. He is not happy about it and leaves. Nick finds them in the hall and tells Sam that he kissed Jess and it didn't mean anything to her. Sam punches Nick in the chest, saying it meant something to him. He tells Jess he's done, then tells Nick to ice it for 24 hours and keep it elevated. "He even exits cool," Nick says from the floor. Winston brings the organizer a waiter to take his place, crediting the Mojo Man. Schmidt sees Cece sitting alone across the room and gets frustrated. He grabs the microphone and addresses the room, saying he used to think Indians were pretty smart. "You guys look at the roof of a bus and say, 'That's not just a roof, that's more seating.' Kal Penn, he's a genius, thank you for him. But what I didn't know is that you are a country full of blind idiots, because in your midst walks a brown angel." He points out Cece."I may be an idiot, but I'm smart enough to know what I lost... Get your crap together, India!" He throws down the microphone and Cece is immediately swarmed by guys. Back at the loft, Nick tries to cheer Jess up by dancing very badly to Taylor Swift. Nick wants to say something that he knows won't help the situation. He's never been a home wrecker before and enjoys that Sam was threatened by him. He apologizes again, saying he won't do it again.Jess says maybe the relationship was a little bit broken and mentions the fist bumping. Jess seems to be forgiving him until he points out that she seems to be forgiving him. They settle for an awkward hug good-night. Meanwhile, Cece brings Schmidt home. As they make out and strip, she mentions she got a lot of phone numbers and is going on a lot of dates. She tells him the plan hasn't changed, she's still going to marry an Indian guy. He points out she went home with a Jew in a turban. She allows him to keep it on during sex.
19 Feb 2013Description ▼
Nick and Jess awkwardly brush their teeth. Nick mentions how glad he is that things aren't weird between them, as things are totally weird between them. She suggests they celebrate with a fancy dinner, and he suggests having sex afterward, thereby making things totally weird again.Schmidt comes in breathless to announce there's a parking spot. Down in the garage they debate who gets it.Schmidt settles it: "Gimme that spot or I'll kill you all!" Back in the loft, Jess argues they share it. Winston is distracted sexting Daisy, who travels a lot, thereby providing a small sex window. Jess attempts to play the lady card, Winston goes race card, Nick goes "lazy drunk" card, Schmidt claims he deserves it. Every morning, Jess has to wake Outside Dave up off her car hood. Winston leaves when his sex window with Daisy opens. Jess and Schmidt intimidate Nick into bowing out, but then say he has the deciding vote between the two of them. Jess claims it's destiny she get it."'Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis' -direct quote, Scott Caan," Schmidt says. Jess comes to Nick's room wearing his sweatshirt with an "invisible shirt" underneath. He realizes she's flirting to get the spot and he's totally OK with it. He suggests they hug, but she goes purple nurple instead. Winston arrives at Daisy's and they immediately start stripping. But he forgot a condom. He suggests alternatives: "You got tinfoil? Hand sanitizer? Grocery bag and a twist tie? What about a baseball cap, I got quick reflexes."He goes out to buy some. Schmidt brings Nick beer, expecting to get the parking spot. Nick says it's going to Jess.She comes in and sits next to him. Nick gets oddly polite.Schmidt is on to them. "The stench of filth and lust is all over this room, it smells like frickin' Tijuana. What happened here?" he says.Jess says nothing, while Nick goes with "hardly anything." Jess says they kissed.Schmidt glowers. Winston races into the pharmacy, but can't pay because he's wearing Daisy's pants and has no wallet. He addresses the whole pharmacy, saying he's in desperate need of a condom. He gets escorted out. Jess and Nick try to assure Schmidt that nothing has changed, but he points out that now Jess has a parking spot. Nick cracks under the pressure and gives the spot to Schmidt. Jess finds Nick in the hallway and tells him he's making things weird. They offer alternate examples of what's actually weird including faces, gestures and dances.She argues they need a long term solution. Nick runs, announcing he's taking the spot. They all race out of the apartment to get there first. Schmidt's car is stuck in the middle of his lot, Nick takes the cardboard off his under the overpass. He pays street kids to push it when it won't start. Jess has to stop to pick up litter, yield to a driver and take a picture of cats on her car. Nick bails on his car and takes a chair to occupy the spot. Schmidt inches into it, tapping Nick with his car. Then Jess drives up and pushes Schmidt's car out of the way with hers. They all stand in the spot, announcing they're there all night. Cece tries another date with her Indian man, meeting him at home and thanking him for giving her another chance. She's defending her friends as really "chill" when Winston pounds on her door in search of a condom. Down in the spot, Nick crawls for Jess' hard candy and Schmidt is in pain from having to pee so badly. Winston comes back in his quest and races upstairs. He finds a giant box of condoms in Jess' room with one left. In the spot, Schmidt talks himself into reabsorbing his urine."Did you just pee inside your body?" Jess asks. Schmidt reminds Nick that the three of them took a "no nail oath" when Jess moved in and Nick violated it by nailing Jess' mouth. And now she's acting like he owes her something because of it. Winston comes back to Daisy's apartment complex late at night, but all the buildings look the same. He doesn't have his phone and collapses in the street shouting he deserves protected sex. In the garage, Jess acknowledges that Schmidt is right."I thought we could go back to the way things were, but we can't. You nailed my mouth. You nailed it good and hard and strong," she tells Nick.Nick says kiss was the dumbest thing he's ever done and he regrets it. Jess walks away upset, giving him the spot. Schmidt points out every second Nick doesn't go after her, he's more of a "pud rod." Nick points out Schmidt peed himself. But he's still in the spot. Back in the loft, Nick tells Jess that he doesn't regret kissing her, just that it made things weird. He admits he was the reason for the "No Nail Oath."They're pretty close to violating it again when Schmidt comes in. He reads the oath, which includes the clause if one of them nails Jess, they all get to.Schmidt suggests that to move past the weirdness, he has to kiss Jess, too. They do and it's gross for both of them. Winston comes in to see it and goes on a rant about being sex deprived and needing a win.Down in the garage, they let him have the spot. But it's so tight he can't get out of the car.
26 Feb 2013Description ▼
Schmidt announces it's his ten year anniversary of living with Nick. Jess points out the symbol for tin is SN -- like for Schmidt and Nick -- and asks if anyone else's mind is blown.That settles it, the theme for the party will be "Tinfinity." Jess and Cece mock them and Jess admits she can't stop thinking about kissing Nick. Nick ruins it by coming in and eating a cupcake, getting frosting all over his mouth. Cece suggests Jess needs another man. At the bar, Jess talks to a few, including a guy who hasn't washed his pants in 18 months, a guy who talks like a rapper but is wearing a sweater vest and a guy slathering on prescription lotion. Nick freaks out when Winston walks in with a handsome tall dude. Nick recognizes him as Jax McTavish, the safety for San Francisco. "Winston, does he think you're Omar Epps?" Schmidt asks.Winston interviewed him at the station and they hit it off. "His hands are so big and warm, I want to fall asleep in them, like Thumbelina," Nick says. Jess wants to be introduced, but all the guys laugh at her. She introduces herself. Schmidt is deep into party planning at the bar, the theme is "masculine garden party." Nick wants to help plan, so Schmidt assigns him balloons and Porta-potties. Nick has an anxiety attack from the responsibility. Cece and Shivrang prepare to head to the party, but first he tells her their moms have both approved."So are we going to do this thing?" he asks."Is that a proposal?" Cece wonders. It is, but Cece always thought when she was being proposed to, she'd actually notice. The garden party is a white tablecloth sit-down affair in a park, with tin centerpieces, candelabras and signs commemorating Nick and Schmidt's time together. Winston is annoyed Jess invited Jax, because he wants him all to himself, but Jess is determined to get Jax's mouth on her mouth. Nick shows Schmidt his contribution to the party: a Porta-potty he bought for $60. It's dirty and dilapidated and sad looking, but Schmidt says he's proud of Nick. Now they have two, including Schmidt's "El Bano Presidente," a walk in bathroom trailer with multiple stalls. Nick is offended and prepared to explain why they don't have balloons. But Schmidt says he didn't want them anyway. Jess interrupts Winston's man flirting with Jax to start a flag football game. He tags her out even though they're on the same team. Jax helps her get open to catch a pass, they leave arm and arm. Nick gets annoyed when no one in line for the men's room will use his. Jess asks what's really going on, then says it's nice to be around Jax because he talks about his feelings. Finally, she offers to use Nick's Porta-potty, and admires how "vintage" it is. Schmidt micromanages the DJ, giving him instructions on when to play the toast music. Jax plays catch with Jess, admitting he likes her a lot. She enjoys that he's talking about his feelings, until he gets choked up talking about her. Schmidt gives Nick note cards for the toast he prepared for him. Nick wonders when Schmidt started to think he was better than him.Flash back to them be equal girl-less losers in college. But then Schmidt got skinny and decided Nick was someone he needed to take care of. Schmidt thinks he just got his life together, but Nick seems to think the party is evidence to the contrary. Jess finds Jax guzzling popcorn. They bond over their issues with spontaneous crying and are about to make out when Shivrang commandeers the microphone. The DJ takes the cue and initiates the toast sequence. Schmidt is annoyed, since it was supposed to be for him and Nick. Shivrang gets down on one knee and presents a ring."Cece, do you want to do this thing?" he asks.She says yes. Schmidt watches with horror as his confetti goes off and showers the couple. He runs off as the tin infinity symbol cake comes out. Jax takes the microphone next to announce he's in love with Jess and says he thinks he met the girl he's going to marry and put a baby in. Jess squirms. "We are not on the same page." "I met my third wife!" Jax announces. Nick follows Schmidt as he flees the party. They take a walk. Jess congratulates Cece. Jax cries inconsolably in Winston's arms. Nick takes Schmidt to the hot air balloon he rented. It's grounded, because it turns out you need propane. Nick didn't have time to do any research after all his work on the Porta-Potty.Nick offers his condolences on Cece. "I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but I always thought I was going to be the man to bone Cece for the rest of her life," Schmidt says. They enjoy the best friend moment. Later, Jess and Winston join them in the balloon basket. Jess balks at drinking from the same bottle as Nick, even though he assures her it only had his mouth on it, saying she doesn't want to think about his mouth. She gets out and runs in no particular direction.
19Quick Hardening Caulk
19 Mar 2013Description ▼
Jess comes to a conclusion about her romantic feelings for Nick and she struggles to tell him - until she's hopped up on pain medication. But after admitting her feelings, she finds out he may have been keeping something from her. Meanwhile, Schmidt becomes obsessed with buying a fish, which Winston sees as a metaphor for Schmidt's unresolved feelings toward Cece and Nick plans a bar promotion to impress the bar owner (guest star Odette Annable).
26 Mar 2013Description ▼
Jess comes home with balloons she got from a guy on the street. Nick gets attacked by them as he goes to answer a call from his dad. Jess, Winston and Schmidt huff the helium and have fun with munchin voices.Then Nick comes back and relays the content of the call: his dad died. The gang waits to respond, then offers the only thing they can -- very high-pitched condolences. Everyone is in Chicago for the funeral. They try to support Nick. "I really did love Walt. He really did love me more than he loved you, he told me that," Winston says."Yea, he told me that, too," Nick says. Schmidt is focused on the fact the airline lost his luggage. He wanted to look fabulous for Walt's funeral. On the way in, they warn Jess that Nick's family is kind of weird. Inside, Nick's cousin Bobby is arguing with Nick's brother Jamie (Nick Kroll) on the eternal soda vs. pop debate. Jamie is emotional, and cries all over Nick, wrapping around him. "Don't do the hair pull, it's so intimate," Nick says, comforting him. Nick hugs his mom. "He was a saint, that bastard," she says. Nick asks what needs to be done. Grocery shopping, plan the funeral, call the newspaper... Jess can't believe that in his family, Nick is the responsible one. She introduces herself to Nick's mom and tries to offer to help. His mom is mostly concerned that Jess is "a Spanish." Walt always wanted the funeral that Elvis had, with 12 white limos and an impersonator. She asks Nick to give the eulogy and he has no way to say no. Jess checks on Nick late at night and finds him running numbers to find out what level impersonator they can afford -- a white one is out. Jess offers to help. He asks her to do the eulogy, even though she only spent that one hour with him committing fraud. That's pretty much all there is to know, Nick says. Schmidt tries on Walt's best double-breasted suit, but freaks out about the idea of going to the funeral. "I'm scared of death," he says. Jamie tells Jess about his dad, including that he had a table at every diner in town and silverware from the finest hotels and a gold chain as thick as floss -- thick floss. Bobby argues the chain belongs to his father. Jamie gets distracted wanting to know if Jess and Nick are doing it. Winston tries to prepare Schmidt for seeing Walt in the casket. "Find a joyful memory and let it lift you to the sky," Winston says. Schmidt kneels at the bed beside Winston. "You left us too soon, you beautiful black butterfly --" Winston makes him starts over. "We've laughed, we've swum, you cut my toenails...."Winston tells him he's doing well, then Schmidt freaks out again. Nick makes more calls for the funeral and Bonnie comes in to check that the food will be Elvis-themed. Nick's Grandma contributes by offering everyone some of her weed. Jess tries to suggest maybe the food could diverge from the theme, which Bonnie takes as an affront to Elvis. Jess tries to tell Nick she can't write his father's eulogy, but he won't hear it. He leaves the house. At the funeral, Schmidt hides behind a door. Jess wonders where Nick is, then sees him stumble in drunk with a guy from the bar that he paid $20 to be Elvis. (The guy thought Nick wanted him to kill Elvis and the costume was for the element of surprise.) Nick has had one dozen beers and announces he wrote the "gigliography."He takes out his Post-It: "Walt Miller. Am I right?" Jess gives orders: Winston will deal with Elvis, she'll sober up Nick and Schmidt has to stop asking people if they can smell the body. Schmidt sees Bobby over the casket trying to retrieve the gold chain he thinks belongs to his dad from Walt's body. With no one else around, Schmidt intervenes. Bobby chicken wings him so he's face down in the casket against Walt. Schmidt collects himself, sticks his head back in and triumphantly announces he's not afraid. Then he gets a little over-enthused and continues dunking his head in the casket, announcing he could do it all day. Jess tries to sober up Nick in the bathroom, telling him she'll be there to hold his hand no matter how stupid it gets. Drunk Elvis comes out of a stall and Jess races to deal with him. In the church, Bonnie asks Winston to say a few things, but to keep it light. "Don't mention the felony thing, or Paraguay, or the storage space," she says. Winston says they should look at today as a celebration, because it's what Walt would have wanted. But then he looks at Walt in the casket and breaks down. Bonnie checks on Elvis in the hall and is horrified. She wants to send everyone home. She doesn't want Jess there because she doesn't know her people, and doesn't want to wait for Nick. Elvis passes out. Bonnie is in the process of sending everyone home when Elvis appears. It's Jess, in full rhinestone costume. She pelvic wiggles down the aisle singing "In the Ghetto." Bonnie threatens to hit her, but Nick says Walt would have liked it. "He would have faked a slip and fall and sued the funeral home, but he would have like this," Nick says. Nick stands at the lectern. "I used to always tell my dad that I hated Elvis just to piss him off.... He was very good at gambling. He had a great mustache. He was so mean to cabbies in such a cool way, and he never was scared. How did he do that? I don't know if Walt was a good guy or a bad guy in the whole scheme of things, but he was my dad and I'm sure gonna miss him." Jess tries to get Nick sing and when he finally does, it inspires Bonnie to get up and do a hip wiggle and sing along with all the other mourners. Leaving later, Bobby warns Schmidt that he'll have his dad's gold chain one day. But Schmidt's faced touched a dead man's mustache so he's feeling no fear. Bonnie catches Winston trying to leave with Walt's hat and Wrigley ticket stub and leg from his favorite chair, but lets him keep it all. Jess tells Bonnie she's afraid of her, but Bonnie gives her a snack for the trip and a hug. Jamie asks Nick when he might get married. Nick clarifies that brothers don't have to get married in order. Jamie runs off to propose to his girlfriend. Bonnie apologizes to Nick for relying on him too much when he was growing up. She's glad he has someone (Jess) to take care of him.
04 Apr 2013Description ▼
Jess, Schmidt and Nick intercept Winston trying to get at the group charger. It's supposed to stay in neutral territory. The dudes tackle him and he runs, Schmidt follows. Jess and Nick are left awkwardly alone. "I don't know why I do this, the charger doesn't even fit in my phone," Nick says."I have like six chargers in my room, I just do this for fun," she says. Awkward pause. "Well, here we are by ourselves," he says."What should we do?""Definitely not make out," he says."Definitely not," she says. Then Nick puts his hand on her boob, but acknowledges it's weird. She sizes him up as an upper boob guy. It's the most under-rated part of the boob, he's always said. She asks what they are. Friends who sometimes make out, and sometimes can't stand each other, he says. He goes for the other boob. Later, at school, Jess describes the boob move to Cece. In the park, Nick tells his wise Asian old man friend Tran about the crazy sexual tension."It's like the Wild West! No laws, whiskey for a nickel, whores caked in mud. I don't know what to do," he says. In the wake of his father dying, Nick thinks he should make moves. "I want to mow a lawn, my lawn, in dark socks. What's my move with Jess?" he asks. Tran says nothing, and Nick interprets that to mean he should ask Jess out. He practices, sincerely, to the old Asian dude."Jessica, you are a beautiful woman and my life has not been the same since I met you and it would mean the world to me if you would go on a date with me." Cut to Nick trying it for real, at her bedroom door, and babbling incoherently, calling her nick names and ending with "food?" Nick goes to Schmidt for advice on what to wear for his date. Schmidt gets him in a suit, while Winston does neck-scaping. "Now, here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date: You're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke and you have a problem with anger," Schmidt says. They ask her name and he comes up with "Yolanda Winston." He leaves and they know it's a fake name. Winston thinks this means Nick's a male escort, but Schmidt realizes it means it's with Jess. They think they need Nick as their glue, and it doesn't work without him. They decide to sabotage the date. Nick arrives at the location and Jess is at the hot dog cart across the street. She can't figure out why he's wearing a suit. They're about to cross the street when Nick gets a $340 ticket for jaywalking. He freaks Jess out by remaining calm. Inside, the candlelit restaurant Jess asks if it's a date. Nick says it's just ordering champagne and hanging out with his friend, laughing at the idea. Back at the loft, Schmidt and Winston try to figure out how to foil the date and get nowhere, probably because Winston's suggestion involves shooting a bear full of hep C and releasing it in the restaurant. In the restaurant, Jess again tries to ask if it's a date. Nick sees Jess's ex ("the only man we both loved," Nick calls him) walk in, also on a date. Russell (Dermot Mulroney) comes over and says he's glad to see "this is finally happening." After he leaves, Jess suggests they go get a drink at the bar as friends. They leave, but Nick gets another jaywalking ticket outside, so they head back in to the bar. At the loft, Schmidt asks Winston what the worst thing he ever experienced on a date was. Flash to Winston at an outside table and a large man in a jacket and tighty whites coming up and singing "Father Figure" complete with pelvic thrusts. Schmidt and Winston take their proposal to "Outside Dave" the homeless guy, who agrees to ruin a date for 25 minutes of TV time and one "home cooked sandwich." Up in the loft, he screams "to the laboratory!" knocks stuff over and locks himself in the bathroom. At the restaurant, Jess and Nick laugh about Winston and Schmidt. She mentions the boob grab and he argues that she has to stop asking him to open jars and playing cute and helpless because it's "ridiculously hot." She says he has to stop gargling his beer, which is her turn on. Jess casually suggests they get dinner. They try to leave for their date, but run into the crosswalk cop again. Back inside, they try to recommandeer their table from Russell and his date. At the table, they're several cocktails in. Jess offers to buy and Nick says he might put out. Russell says good-bye, telling them that they're "really something." They follow him out of the restaurant for an explanation. "You live together and you had three dates tonight, what's that? I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other," he says. He dares them to write down what they are to each other: relationship, one night stand, above the waist only. At the loft, Winston and Schmidt want to call the police to get Outside Dave out of the bathroom, but both their phones are dead and Schmidt put the charger in there as the "neutralist" room. They hear Dave count down, "three, two one (heavy grunting) zero!" Outside the restaurant, Nick and Jess finally write down their answers and give them to Russell. He looks at them and then says it wasn't a good idea and tries to leave. He steps into the street, but the jaywalking cop stops them. Locked out of the bathroom, Schmidt freaks out thinking Outside Dave is using his four-in-one groomer. Winston wants to wait until Nick gets home, but Schmidt goes to the roof. Sitting outside the restaurant, Jess asks Nick how he feels and what he wrote down. He asks her what she wrote. When neither of them will say, she says that from now on they'll do middle school dance rules. He grabs her upper boob again. "They've got a good squish to them," he says. Schmidt crawls in the bathroom from the skylight and Winston hears screams from the other side of the door. He finally gets through the door with a sandwich and sees Outside Dave shaving Schmidt's leg as he hangs from the skylight. With Schmidt rescued they celebrate their Winston-Schmidt moment, ignoring the fact there's a homeless dude dropping a deuce in their urinal. Back at the loft, Nick and Jess both hungry since they never ate. Jess tries to open a jar then tries to hide it from him. He opens her jar then takes a slow, seductive, gargling sip of his beer. They're both incredibly turned on, but she says good night. He walks her to her door. They say good night and go into their respective bedrooms, smoldering.
09 Apr 2013Description ▼
Nick wears his dead father's tangerine track suit his mother sent. Schmidt thinks he looks like a homeless pencil. Nick explains he has a "dead dad pass," which means he can do or say anything he wants. They get invitations to Cece's wedding, which is in three weeks. Schmidt is annoyed he doesn't get a plus one.Nick takes further advantage of his dead dad pass and washes his feet in the sink. Later, Jess informs Winston and Nick that she's throwing Cece a surprise bachelorette party tonight at the loft, so they have to leave. Cece's been planning her bachelorette party since she was a kid and wants a really dirty one. She needs them to get her away from Shivrang. At her place, Cece gets the cold shoulder from Shivrang's grandmother and aunt.Schmidt shows up at Cece's demanding his plus one. She says he can have one if he has a serious girlfriend by the time of the wedding. At the loft, Jess' lesbian doctor friend Leslie is 39 weeks pregnant and lusting after all of Cece's model friends. She offers free gyno exams if they need them. In the car outside, Shivrang's aunt insists on coming up to the loft with Cece, who thinks she's just picking up a CD from Jess. Nick hops in the car and gets "sorry, I thought you were Jane Lynch" when Shivrang sees his track suit. Upstairs, Jess has crafted a game of "pin the dong" on a Shirvrang cut-out. Cece confess she hasn't seen it yet.Cece has a quiet freakout about the fact she's about to marry someone she's never seen naked. She asks the girls to keep it g-rated for his aunt's sake. Nick and Winston take Shivrang to the bar. Jess calls Nick, needing a picture of Shivrang's penis to show Cece. "I need it to scale, so please put a nickel or a big toe or a golf pencil in it for reference," she asks. Jess says they can come home in 20 minutes if they do it. At the loft, the girls are bored out of their minds. They play the slide show Jess made which shows Cece boozing it up. Schmidt joins the guys, reporting that women are liars. He's been going back to girls he slept with and never called and asking them to be his girlfriend. (One of them is just relieved she doesn't have herpes.) He thinks he's not a relationship guy. Nick reminds him about Elizabeth (Merrit Weaver), his college girlfriend, during his "big guy" period. Schmidt decides to invite her. Nick takes a picture of his junk and tries to get Shivrang to do the same, but gets nowhere. The slide show continues to show photos of Cece in embarrassing situations. Auntie asks Cece if this is the kind of wife she's going to be. Cece protests that the party was a surprise and she didn't want any of it. Jess pulls her aside and asks why she's pretending to be someone she's not. She suggests they slow things down. "I don't think you should marry Shivrang if it means changing who you are!" Jess says. They start yelling at each other and are interrupted by Alfredo the male stripper. Shivrang goes to the bathroom and Nick follows and shouts fire, while Winston lights an actual fire in the waste basket. Nick tries to say a photo of Shivrang's penis will help with his grieving process, then confesses they need it because Cece is freaking out.Shivrang goes to talk to her and Winston "solves" the problem by sending Jess the photo of Nick's junk instead. Auntie demands to see the photo and immediately understands why Cece is worried. "Where I come from women cry about this for days," she says. Schmidt shows up on Elizabeth's doorstep. She knows he wants something."My model ex-girlfriend is getting married to some small little Indian man that I just don't understand. I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend so that she breaks off the wedding and runs away with me," he says.She explains that "big guy" was a wonderful boyfriend, but then he lost weight and got mean and she has no interest in helping him. "And I hate your hair." At the bachelorette party, auntie tells raunchy stories about seeing her husband's junk.Nick comes home, hoping no one saw the photo. They all did. "Prize hog, Shivrang," Jess says. But he says it wasn't his. Jess goes for a second look when she learns it's Nick's. Cece explains to Shivrang there's a lot they don't know about each other. Shivrang offers to whip it out. She says things are moving fast, but maybe that's what makes it special.He politely corrects that his name is pronounced "Shiv-rung.""I don't know how to pronounce your name?!" she says. He promises to do his best to make her the happiest woman on the face of the earth. Later, Schmidt tries to talk to her."Cece, if I was ever selfish in our relationship..." "What do you mean 'if' and what do you mean 'relationship?'" she asks. He sincerely apologizes and says he doesn't need a plus one. Cece finally asks Jess to be her maid of honor. Schmidt shows up on Elizabeth's door again, with three large pizzas. He tells her "big guy" is still in there, but he needs her to coax him out. She suggests he eat all the pizza while she watches.He has a moment with a piece of pizza, reveling that he doesn't even know what pepperoni is made out of.
30 Apr 2013Description ▼
Schmidt and Winston walk into the bathroom to see Jess applying Nair to Cece's pits. Schmidt is fired up to go out with Elizabeth again, whom he hasn't had sex with since he was fat.Jess gets a text from Teddy, asking if she's free for drinks tonight.Nick comes busting out of the bathroom stall, keenly interested in knowing who this Teddy character is."Teddy took my flower," Jess explains. "Oh, from your wonderful secret garden," Nick realizes. Cece says it's the worst story, but they all think theirs are bad.Prom night, 2000. She was 18 and they rented a hotel room. Flash to 2000, a nerdy dude in a tux start slow dance freaking with Jess, asking her permission to freak her toward the bed.They were the founding members of the gender equality society. "We both asked each other to prom, in the spirit of gender equality, and we both said yes," Jess explains."Oregon sucks," says Winston. Back in the hotel room, her date nerdily asks Jess's permission to take off her flower and taffeta-covered dress. There's no zipper. She made it and her mom sewed her in.He checks to make sure she's feeling safe and she tells him to be a man and rip it off."Now I'm feeling unsafe," he says.Jess and her tulle go out in the hall, where she runs into a hot kid in a tuxedo with a guitar. They sing a slow song together and are about to kiss when her date comes out. There were no scissors in the room, so he taped two steak knives together. Then he cuts himself -- the cute guy leaves. Technically, Jess didn't lose her virginity at prom.Nick keeps getting competitive with her story. Prom was the prologue, Jess explains."David Foster Wallace, where is the sex?" Schmidt asks. He asks for Cece's story. Cut to Cece drinking alone at the bar and getting picked up by Mick Jagger. Her story's not embarrassing at all, she just likes telling it. On to Schmidt, who was a junior in college.He shows Nick (who is wearing a baja and a mustache) his giant jar of lubricant and asks a few questions, like if he pees during it, will the woman die. He asks for the room that night, Nick says no problem; he's going to take some mushrooms and go to a Dave Matthews concert.Cut to later, he's on the mushrooms and the troll at the end of the bed didn't want him to leave. Nick later explains his arm was a magnet and the walls were magnetic. Schmidt and Elizabeth come in, making out. On the lower bunk, Nick pries his hand loose from the wall and starts to crawl out of the room. On the top bunk, Elizabeth says there's plenty of lube and it's in her eyes.Schmidt, covered in lube, falls out of the bunk and on to Nick, who tries to help him back up but slips and slides everywhere. In the loft, Schmidt says he was always very limited sexually with Elizabeth. "It wasn't until the Iraq war that I realized a guy could be on top," he says.He has a sex toy called the Archduke picked out for his upcoming attempt. On to Winston, who says his story was beautiful. Nick disagrees.Nick's dad took them on a business trip to New York and said they could do whatever they wanted. Cut to Nick and Winston watching "Titanic."Winston has a 'fro and Nick has long hair and braces.Nick's dad comes back with a surprise for them: two hookers. In the loft, Winston explains they were business women. Their names were Mysteria and Octopussy. "She was a nurse! Her nurse hat was in her purse!" Winston argues in present day. In the room Octopussy offers terrified Nick some booze. He declines at first because he prefers to be drunk on life. Winston explains that he and Mysteria made love for ten beautiful seconds. But Nick couldn't go through with it. Winston still doesn't believe they were hookers. Nick says he dad told him they were. Flash back to Walt explaining his dad got him a girl when he was young, too. Nick was worried the FBI would bust him. Walt tells him he thinks too much and he doesn't want him to miss out on the fun things in life. Nick announces he likes drinking. They agree not to tell Winston they were pros until after Walt's gone. Back in the loft, Winston absorbs the news in the fetal position. Jess argues her story is still worse, it involves murder. She was 22.She and Cece were in a bar, with young Nick, Winston and fat Schmidt in a nearby booth. The guy from prom night comes in. Jess agrees to do it, but he's living out of his car and she's staying on a friend's couch. Cut to them making out in a tiny plastic castle on a playground. He tells her he's on antidepressants and it might take awhile. Two hours later, still nothing. "It was like a windsock on a windless day," she says.They get stuck in the castle's drawbridge.In the daylight, EMS crews come to free them. They were going to do it on a bench, Jess explains, but a guy was asleep there. The crews check him out, he's dead. The guy sobs about there being so much sadness in the world. Jess is still stuck on top of him in the drawbridge door and yells that she's sick of them. He announces he might be gay. But that wasn't Teddy. Cut to the EMS guy carrying Jess to the ambulance. He's Teddy. "I'm sick of firemen always winning!" Schmidt protests.Jess explains it was nice not to have to think about it. Nick processes the fact that Jess lost her virginity to a macho stereotype.She asks how he lost his. "Allison Daniels, on a towel in the woods. I cried; she kept her bra on. It was nice," he says. Jess gets another text from Teddy and leaves the loft. Nick watches her go.She's in the elevator when he stops the doors from closing. He swoops her off her feet and carries her back in. "Let's not think about this," he says. Cut to everyone getting busy.Winston makes out with Daisy. Cece waits two more days for her wedding to Shivrang. Schmidt kisses Elizabeth, who sees the Archduke. "It's a super intense German personal power massager. But I don't think we need it," he says. But she suggests since he brought it all this way.... Nick and Jess bask in their afterglow, both slowly realizing the impact of what they've done.
07 May 2013Description ▼
The Next Morning Nick stares longingly at Jess in bed after their night together, then checks her pulse when she doesn't move. He goes to make breakfast in bed, ending up with runny eggs and a grapefruit he rips open with his hands. He's on his way to his room with a tray when he runs into Jess' dad, Bob (Rob Reiner), in the hallway. Luckily, it's Winston's birthday so Nick pretends the tray was for him. Bob's there for Cece's wedding. Schmidt turns to Elizabeth in the morning for reviews of his new skinny body. She liked the way the old one moved, too. Cut to Elizabeth approaching him at a frat party and asking him to dance. They both get up and cut some mean cabbage patch and Roger Rabbit. Back at the loft, Jess gets a call from her friend Peg about an opening for a teacher at her school -- but she has to be there in 30 minutes, leaving Bob alone with Nick. Nick tries to pretend he's busy with "documents," but falls for Bob's pity act and agree to keep him company. Cece's apartment is overrun with her family. Jess calls and shames a relative to stop hogging Cece's spotlight. Jess calls Winston to pick up Cece's wedding sari. Winston thinks it's a ruse to surprise him for his birthday. Jess arrives at school to find out it's not an interview, she's subbing for an overrun classroom. Up on the roof, over beers, Bob asks Nick if he's dating anyone. Nick says there's someone. She's not quirky, has no bangs, is tall and fat, has beady eyes and her name is Yolanda Winston. Elizabeth drops in on Schmidt at work. When he sees her kitty cat t-shirt he pretends he doesn't know her. She refuses to let him make her feel bad about herself and leaves to go on the date she originally turned down to be with him. At school, Jess tries to leave for lunch but runs into Dr. Foster, who is eager to have the world's longest, wordiest lunch with Jess to see if she fits into the Coolidge culture. He starts telling her about the school goat, and she's trapped. Winston shows up at Cece's for the surprise party that isn't happening, wearing a red leather suit, and finds no one there. Cece wakes up from her nap and discovers she slept on her henna tattooed hands and has design all over her face. At the loft, Bob teaches Nick how to make a sandwich: lettuce, tomato, lettuce, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, cheese, lettuce. Nick asks Bob for advice about "Yolanda Winston." Jess calls and doesn't like that they're talking about girls. She's about to go home when Cece calls screaming. Jess goes over and tries removing the henna, but just manages to smear it around like a dirt beard. "Burqas isn't you guys, is it?" Jess asks. Nick tells Bob that he's only slept with Yolanda once, but really cares about her and doesn't want to screw it up. Bob says any girl would be lucky to have him, so Nick tells him Yolanda is really Jess. Bob springs up and runs after Nick, threatening to kill him. Jess calls the place that did the tattoo and learns that it's not coming off. Jess tells Cece she slept with Nick. Jess comes home and is horrified to learn Nick told her dad they slept together. Nick reminds Bob of himself at that age, aimless and not knowing what he wanted. If he'd figured things out sooner, he might still be married to Jess's mom. Nick goes to his room, shamed. Jess has to go back to school. Jess gets her class' attention by getting on the desk and screaming at them. She tells the class she can't date her dad. She tells them life is messy, but the messy parts are the best parts. One of the middle schoolers offers her a pack of cigarettes. Shivrang comes to comfort Cece. Jess called him and told him to look for the guy who looks like Mandy Patinkin. He assures her if their biggest problem is her henna beard, they're going to be fine. Elizabeth's date consists of a lot of silence. Schmidt shows up at the restaurant in his old fat clothes, including the "Frog-ettaboutit" sweatshirt she got him years ago. "I want to be with you and I don't care who knows it," he says. He asks her to dance in the middle of the quiet Italian restaurant. They bust out Roger Rabbits, not caring what anybody thinks. Jess comes home to find her dad blowing up an air mattress, planning to sleep in the hallway between her and Nick. At 1:22 a.m., Jess gets a text from Nick: Roof. She goes up to find the breakfast he was going to give her this morning. "I hope my dad didn't get in your head," she says. They're interrupted when Elizabeth and Schmidt come up, planning to compare the constellations to the moles on his back. Winston joins them and thinks the gathering means they remembered his birthday.
25Elaine's Big Day
14 May 2013Description ▼
Before the wedding, the gang poses for a picture, but Bob mocks Nick's Miami Vice' suit and it dissolves into bickering. At the wedding, Nick has changed into Schmidt's worst suit. Jess hopes Nick isn't going to the effort because of what her dad said."I don't think you're an unemployable, alcoholic bummer. I don't think you're a child," Jess says."When did he say that?" Nick says. Jess goes to find Cece, air kissing Nick good-bye. The ceremony involves Shivrang coming in on a white horse and lasts for three hours. Remembering his weak bladder, Elizabeth reminds Schmidt to pee first. Jess gives Cece a pep talk before her wedding. Schmidt barges in and sees a look on her face that he interprets later as meaning she wants to back out of the wedding.Jess warns Schmidt not to meddle or she'll bust him. When she leaves, Schmidt recruits Winston to sabotage the wedding. As Shirang rides in slowly on his horse, surrounded by his dancing relatives, Nick goes to Schmidt and tells him to call it off because it matters to Jess. Schmidt calls him out for wearing a suit, carrying Jess' purse and wearing deodorant under both arms. He tells Nick that either Jess will like the real him or she won't. Schmidt says he'll call it off, then commands Winston to blast an air horn. The horse rears up and takes off with Shirvrang on it. But he comes back in time for the ceremony. Cece is walking down the aisle to traditional Indian music when suddenly it switches to "Cotton Eyed Joe."Cece finds Nick at the soundboard and thinks he's behind the music switch, even though he was trying to stop Winston. It's Nick's CD and it makes him compulsively fist pump.She doesn't believe him when he says he had nothing to do with it and calls it childish. He gets angry and goes to Schmidt and Winston, signing up for phase three. Schmidt comes to get Jess during the ceremony. "We went too far, it's bad. It's really bad," he tells her. She follows him and is horrified to learn it was Winston's idea.Winston is in the airducts with a badger. Nick is with him.Jess tortures Schmidt by messing up his hair and he says something about "when Nick got involved." She realizes Nick wasn't always in on it and Schmidt says Nick said something about Jess meaning too much to him. Jess calls Nick and while grappling for it, they somehow let the badger loose. They roll around in the ducts screaming looking for it.Schmidt boosts Jess up to join them in the ducts. She finds Nick and he's upset that she thinks he's going to screw everything up."This is where I belong! With Winston and a badger," Nick says. Downstairs during the ceremony, Cece and Shivrang walk the seven circles around the altar. Cece tells him not to walk so fast. Up in the ducts, Nick forces Jess to admit there's a small part of her that is scared them being together is a mistake. She's about to say something meaningful when Jess and Nick come crashing through the ceiling, followed by a badger, crushing the altar. Jess addresses the crowd, warning them there might be a badger loose. She tries to fix things, but Cece stops her.She calls off the wedding, saying she wants to be with someone else as she looks at Schmidt. Elizabeth sees.Shivrang admits he wants to be with someone else and talks to Elaine in the crowd. She's a Presbyterian (played by Taylor Swift). Then rush into each other's arms and run off planning to go to Vegas and elope."I feel slightly rejected," Cece says, "but I feel better than I have in a long time." After the chaos and crowds have cleared, Nick tells Jess they should "call it, it's not like we're in love or anything.""Ok, let's call it, I think that feels good to me. That feel good to you?" she says.She walks away. In the hallway, Schmidt tries to convince Elizabeth that he sabotaged Cece's wedding as a friend. Cece walks up and they make him choose between them.He wants to take the night to listen to his Coldplay CD. They want him to decide.He runs. Nick settles in at the bar for a beer. Winston gets out of the duct and joins him. He has a badger bite. Nick tells him about Jess and his plans to drink, because that's his move."That was also your dad's move, when things get messy you just run away. But, you know, there are other moves. Go!" Winston says. Nick runs outside and finds Jess. Before he can say anything, she tells him she doesn't want to give up and wants to uncall it. "Before you say no -- don't say no," she says.He runs to her and they kiss, then get in her Volvo and drive off.
17 Sep 2013Description ▼
Moments after they kissed after Cece's canceled wedding, Nick and Jess drive away, stammering about how much they like each other and both are "all in." They pull over to celebrate. When that's over Nick fights the urge to buy her a lobster dinner and they realize they should just go home. Back at the door to the loft, reality sinks in. They've been dating 30 minutes and they're already living together. They try to talk about how they need time alone but both get repeatedly texted by Schmidt, who usually texts Nick 40 times a day. He's freaking out about the Cece or Elizabeth question. After a few more unanswered texts, Schmidt opens the front door and unloads on Nick, needing his help. Nick and Jess ask for a minute, let the door close, and run. The next morning, after 25 unanswered texts, Schmidt announces to Winston that he needs a new best friend. Winston is transfixed by his puzzle, but agrees. Schmidt has some concerns about Winston's puzzling. He tends to get hyper-focused and hum a lot when he does them, also he ends up naked. Schmidt debates what to do about the Cece-Elizabeth question, and finally decides he was with Elizabeth first, so Cece is out. Left alone with his puzzle, Winston unzips. Schmidt goes to Cece to give her the bad news, but caves immediately when he sees how upset she is. Then he does the same with Elizabeth, telling them both he picked them. Nick wakes up on the road to unfamiliar sights. They're in Mexico.They hang out on a beach. Four days later, their clothes in tatters, Schmidt leaves Nick a voice mail, needing his help. Nick throws his phone in the water. They've been camping out of the back of the Volvo, but Nick suggests they sneak into a nearby resort so he can keep being "Paradise Nick." They declare themselves "all in" again and go for it. Back at the loft, Cece shows up and Winston, thinking Schmidt dumped her, offers a hug about Elizabeth. He's about to elaborate, when Schmidt gets out of shower and pantomimes him to stop. So instead Schmidt says Winston seduced Elizabeth and then, when Cece's back is turned, silently pleads "best friends" to get Winston to go along with it. Schmidt piles on, saying Winston also asked for a pair of Cece's underwear. Winston fumbles around to sell the lie, and can only come up with saying he needed them to sew into his underpants. Cece declares him a pervert, up-ends his puzzle and storms out. Winston revokes his best friendship until Schmidt fixes it. Schmidt also points out some of his puzzle pieces are wedged in upside down and one is joined with an almond. Lounging on beach chairs at the resort, finishing half-drunk drinks people left behind, Nick tries to talk a kid into giving him his plastic wristband when he sees security coming. Finally, he cheerily threatens to strangle the young kid. Security shows up and asks for their bracelets and Nick runs into the ocean, declaring he's in international waters. That doesn't last long and they haul him off, saying they're taking him to jail. Back at the loft, Winston puzzles. He's wearing his sweatshirt as pants. Schmidt insults his puzzling ability and they face off, pacing angrily around each other in circles. Jess busts in, demanding money and Nick's passport. Back at the resort, Schmidt slips the hotel desk man cash as they worry that Nick has been made someone's prison bitch. "That's for you to send your kids to college, or for you to send some fun up your nose," he says. The desk clerk sends them around to various people, all of whom take Schmidt's cash but provide no answers. Finally, Jess sees the same security guard. Out of money, Schmidt offers Winston's shoes, but he says they're his favorite brown pair.They're green.Winston is color blind. Jess offers her car and the guard takes her to Nick. He's fine. It's resort jail, they let him watch "Ugly Betty." Nick doesn't like the idea of going back to the loft with Winston and Schmidt and is sure he and Jess won't work there. Nick wants to stay in Mexico and threatens to shred his passport. Schmidt throws himself in front of the shredder, threatening to put his ear in. Jess yells at everyone to stop and then explains to Nick that there's no them without Winston and Schmidt, they're a family.Nick relents and gives her a hug, but as he does, his passport falls in the shredder. Somehow they get across the border. Nick and Jess arrive back at the loft door looking like Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway. They can't get in, Nick doesn't carry a key. Jess starts yelling at him asking why, and then they start making out. Inside, Schmidt talks to Cece on the phone, but works Elizabeth on call waiting. Winston croons to his mishmash of a puzzle.
24 Sep 2013Description ▼
Over breakfast in the morning with Cece, Schmidt dodges a call from Elizabeth. He does a terrible job covering, saying it's a call from "Dr. Cover" his oncologist. Winston comes looking for input on cats. "They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples and they are unwelcome in this loft," Schmidt says. Flash to Schmidt sleeping shirtless in a barn with kittens licking his nipples. In the bathroom, Jess obsesses over her bangs. She's been at her new school for a week and hasn't made any friends. There's a clique of teachers who runs the place. Winston comes asking about cats. Jess mentions Schmidt has the greatest story about them.Flash back to the barn. Schmidt walks by telling them to grow up, nothing actually came out. Later, in the elevator, Schmidt takes note of how happy Nick seems. He asks him, hypothetically, what Nick would do if he met someone who made him just as happy as Jess does. But Schmidt picked Cece, so he has to let Elizabeth go, Nick says, not knowing he did neither. Nick's on a mission to buy school supplies.The elevator doors open and Winston gets on. (They forgot to press the button.) Winston has decided to ask Daisy to be his girlfriend by saying his heart is a tandem bicycle and he wants her in the rear. Schmidt and Nick advise against that particular wording. At school, the mean teachers mock Oscar Foster, the principal, when he leaves the room after he brags about his new "jacooz". When one says he needs to get laid, Jess volunteers that she got laid this morning, by her boyfriend. She's trying to dig her way out of the hole when Nick comes in offering free school supplies. One teacher snatches them. Jess if very worried about his approach until he offers them free drinks at his bar and they seem interested. Schmidt shows Elizabeth his new private office at work, a perfect 2/3rds replica of Don Draper's from "Mad Men." Schmidt's coworker Bethany asks Elizabeth if she's coming to the office party tomorrow and Schmidt has to invite her. When she leaves, Schmidt yells at Bethany for meddling in his personal life. He tries to slam his office door, but the tiny credenza is in the way. Winston goes to pick up Daisy's cat and asks her to be exclusive. He notices her shower's running. She says she was about to get in it. She agrees to being exclusive. Then she says the giant men's athletic shoe on the floor is also hers. Then the shower stops running and someone flushes, but she says no one's there and sends Winston on his way. At Nick's bar, Jess tries to mingle with the mean teachers but can't get into the mean vibe. Listening in, Nick tells her later that it's high school and they're the cool kids and she's the nerd.She denies ever being a nerd. Flash to Jess in medieval garb singing Renaissance music. Nick thinks he was cool.Flash to him playing hacky sack. He gives her advice, including to make fun of her boss, not follow her instincts, try not to sing and, most importantly, drink a lot. Cut to her on the bar later. In the morning, Nick comes to get "toilet pants," the girl who bet herself $6 she could dance in the toilet bowl. Cut to Jess with her feet in the toilet singing Four Non Blondes. Nick gets her moving, she's late for work. Winston comes in, apparently having been crying. Schmidt also needs something urgently. Jess is out cold. Nick reminds them of the time he was so hungover he nearly missed his flight for Christmas. On cue, all three guys break out singing "I Believe I Can Fly," the horror of which rouses Jess from bed. When Schmidt sees how wrecked Jess is, he asks Nick what he's doing to her. Nick insists he's helping. "By turning her in to you?" Schmidt asks. Winston says he thinks Daisy is cheating on him. Cut to Schmidt visiting Cece at a photo shoot to tell her the party tonight is for employees only, so no "sig ots." (He doesn't have time to say "significant others.") She's cool with it. Back at the loft, Nick doesn't see a way that Daisy isn't cheating on Nick and tells Winston he has to break up with her. Winston was thinking first he'd kill her cat. When Jess arrives for school, the cool teachers welcome her to the club by letting her use the real mugs. At the loft, Winston has arranged a noose for Ferguson the cat, resolved to have a "cat for a cat.""What's the other cat?" Nick asks."My heart," Winston says. Jess comes in looking for a flashlight and tells Nick they're breaking into Oscar's house to put their butts in his Jacuzzi. Nick tries to talk her out of it, saying it's a felony and she's not the type of person who can get away with that sort of thing. She's the type of person who has it go horribly wrong and ends up in a funny video on the internet. Then he says he's not letting her. As she's storming out, Nick has to go back to keep Winston from bludgeoning the cat. The cat gets away and Winston stalks it. At Schmidt's office party, he's talking to Elizabeth when he sees Cece come in. She says her job was too terrible and she had to see him. He tries to keep her in his office. Bethany sees them both there and narrates the impending fireworks. Schmidt is trying to convince Elizabeth to leave by setting it up as a sexy role playing game where she leaves early when she sees Cece. He says Cece does catering in between modeling jobs and asks if it's OK if he goes to talk to her. Winston prepares to smother the cat but is deterred by it's adorableness. Cece's dressed in all black so Schmidt gives her a white apron to wear, saying this way his boss won't ask questions. Jess gets a boost from the mean teachers over Oscar's fence. Schmidt leaves Cece with a tray of shrimp in her hands to play out the role play with Elizabeth. She goes along, saying she's about to go. He runs back to Cece, thinking he's safe, but Bethany stops Elizabeth from leaving. The women see each other. Cece is stunned and Schmidt starts to confess, but then she concludes that Elizabeth works there. Schmidt goes along with it. And when Elizabeth comes over she compliments the food, gets back into her role playing character and leaves. Schmidt can't believe he's not busted and neither can Bethany. Back outside Oscar's house, the mean teachers aren't much help to Jess. Nick shows up and joins her. He tells her that he's her old man now so if she's going to do something stupid, he's at least going to join her. The lights go on, Jess jumps in a bush. Nick tries to pretend he used to live in the house and is just visiting but he isn't selling it. Jess pops out. Oscar decides he knows what's going on: they heard about his new "jacooz" and want to try it out. He pushes a button and tiki torches flame on and a soundtrack plays Paula Cole as he strips to his swim shorts. Nick and Jess unbutton. Daisy comes to pick up her cat and is about to run. Winston asks if there was a dude in her shower. When Daisy admits there was, he asks how she knows him. "From sex, but it was before you and I were exclusive," she says.But they also had sex last night. Winston tells her it's over, saying he deserves better -- and so does the cat. He snatches the carrier back. He's keeping Ferguson. At work Schmidt seems to feel terrible for getting away with it, Bethany congratulates him on his Pyrrhic victory. At school, the cool teachers invite Jess to come grade papers with them on liquid ecstasy, but she turns them down to hang out with her "old man." Jess meets up with Nick outside. He insists he would have noticed her in high school. They run off to do it on her desk. Later at the loft, Winston, Jess and Nick stand around in horror as Ferguson licks sleeping Schmidt's nipples."Ok, something is definitely coming out," Winston says.
01 Oct 2013Description ▼
Schmidt makes plans over the phone with Elizabeth then hangs up when Cece comes out of his bedroom.Nick and Jess shuffle out in pjs and Jess suggests a double date. Schmidt de-evolves into bepop nonsense when asked about his plans for the evening. Winston sings to his stolen cat Ferguson. When he sees the group he asks if they're making plans for a date and he wants to come. He suggests bringing Ferguson. He takes on the challenge of trying to get a same day reservation at a hot new restaurant. Nick and Jess lie in bed naked when Cece knocks on the door. Nick calls "not involved" as Cece walks to talk about Schmidt. Cece thinks he's on drugs, saying he's had weird energy lately and has stepped up his bed game. Winston goes to Pica to try to get a reservation. They have one seven weeks from now. The hostess suggests the community table. He slips her an IOU for $10. Nick goes to see Schmidt, who is hopped up and nervous. He drags Nick into his room and confesses he's done something bad. Nick promises he won't get mad. Schmidt tells him he neglected to break up with Elizabeth. "I see it ending badly, I see it ending very, very badly," Schmidt says. Nick gets angry realizing he's now in it. Schmidt suggests he tell someone to get it off his chest, but definitely not Jess. Nick practices lying in the mirror and can't do it. When Jess comes home, he's wearing a helmet. She interprets it as being time for "no kiss sex." Winston sits down at the community table at Pica. He scares one diner off by taking her food and cramming it in his mouth. He tosses his coat over two chairs when other people leave, slowly claiming space. After their helmet sex, Jess asks Nick if he talked to Schmidt. Cut to her charging Schmidt and yelling at him. Nick tries to rectify the situation by dancing to make everyone happy. Jess tells Schmidt to tell Cece or she will. When Cece arrives, Schmidt thinks about it, then grabs her phone and races her out the door saying they're taking two separate cars. At the restaurant, the hostess tries to get Winston to give up the table. He's been there two hours and ordered eight entrees and taken bites of differing sizes to simulate people eating there. On the drive there, Schmidt drives like a maniac, through stop signs. When Cece asks what's wrong, he tells her he just found out Nick is cheating on Jess with a much younger woman who is "deeply Korean." On the drive there, Jess accuses Nick of being afraid to get involved, saying he's afraid of everything. He asks if an afraid person would put his finger in the cigarette lighter, then doesn't. So she does, and yells in pain. In an effort to comfort her and be in as much pain as she is, he sticks his finger in, too. And so they yell and cry and moan their way to the restaurant. In Schmidt's car, Cece resolves to punch Nick in the junk. She orders Schmidt to turn the car around, which he does super slowly. At the restaurant, Winston pretends to be African to scare other diners away. He gets moony looking at all the happy couples. Schmidt and Cece reach the restaurant, but Schmidt refuses to get out of the car. Inside, Winston receives a round of applause from the other diners when his actual friend arrives. When Nick and Jess arrive, she goes inside and Nick joins Schmidt in the car, telling him it's time to go inside and face the music. When Nick gets inside, before Jess can tell her anything, Cece punches him in the junk. She does it again for good measure until Schmidt comes in and finally confesses that he's been cheating on her with Elizabeth. Winston witnesses the carnage and pipes up. "Guys, I hate to do this right now, but if we don't sit down, we will lose this table," he says. Schmidt tells Cece he really didn't want to hurt her, but he got caught up in this thing. He explains he used to be fat and now girls like him and he got lost. "I don't know you,' she says. She says good-bye. Back at the loft, Jess wonders why Cece hasn't called. Nick tells Jess he wants to be with her, unless she's driving. They start arguing about him driving while needing glasses but hear shouts from the living room. They walk out to see Elizabeth grinding a pie in Schmidt's face."You broke my heart. Mail me my mouth guard," she says and leaves. Cece had Elizabeth's phone number. Schmidt tells Jess and Nick he blames them for everything and he vows to break them up when they least expect it. When he leaves, they review the things Schmidt could use against them. Jess is afraid of pears, and pear shaped people. Nick is not convinced he knows how to read, he's just memorized a lot of words. Nick thinks the moon landing is fake. They start arguing then Jess notes Schmidt's already in their heads. She confesses she kind of wants to get a gun, he's sexually attracted to ladybugs. She's weirdly good at volleyball and he believes horses come from outerspace.
08 Oct 2013Description ▼
Jess and Nick finish up what's apparently a fantastic round of sex. She wonders if they should talk about their childhoods for a second. Nick suggests they pause, "banana it" and go for round two. He means eat a banana. Jess is relieved. Out in the living room, where they can hear everything, Winston explains to Schmidt that this is what it's like now and he better get used to it now that he's been dumped by two women and is single. Schmidt vows again to break them up. Later that night, Winston is concerned because he has to get Ferguson neutered. Nick suggests a cat bachelor party. He's kidding, but the seed has been planted. Schmidt comes in with a sheet cake in the shape of a 1, to celebrate Nick and Jess's one month anniversary. They're suspicious. Nick mentions that Schmidt is the guy who, after he saw "Titanic," started a Billy Zane fan club called the "Zaniacs." "Why does that make me madder than anything he's ever done?" Jess says, as she digs into the cake. Nick goes to ask Schmidt what he's up to. In a calm, friendly, reassuring manner, Schmidt asks Nick how many relationships he's been in that made it past a month -- just one, which Schmidt knows. He points out that usually at this point Nick is overthinking, and overthinking and overthinking. Later in bed, Nick has a hard time rising to the occasion. He encourages Jess to think outside the box, which includes her reading an Indian take out menu in a sultry voice. She tries painting her face blue like Papa Smurf, decking him in the face and various other unsuccessful stimulations. In the morning, she jokes, "well, at least the sun managed to get up." Nick runs away saying he has to go move his car. Winston goes looking for cat sex for his cat. A pretty girl flirts with him and he thinks she's talking about getting their cats together for a date. It comes across all wrong when he asks earnestly how often she grooms her cat. Over cereal, Jess tells Nick she talked to her mom about their situation. Nick jumps up and announces he has to go move his car. Schmidt comes out, sensing victory. He tells Jess he could help her if she had a Nick problem. He tells her men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives. He tells her Nick has dark fringe tastes that they don't even make porn for. He "accidentally" mentions a sex position or act called "the Captain" then describes it in detail to Jess as he makes a smoothie (the sound of which covers up whatever he's describing).Jess thinks she has the answer to what Nick wants in bed. She goes to Nick later, turns off the lights and starts mooing. Later, Nick shudders. They both look unnerved. Ferguson's date arrives. Winston remains oblivious to the fact the owner of his cat's date, Fatty, is interested in him. He suggests they get right to the bedroom -- for the cats. She brought wine. He doesn't think they can give wine to the cats. After "the captain," Jess tries to get Nick to talk about what they just did. She finally admits she didn't like it because it was "degrading to not only women but all of mankind." She mentions Schmidt told her about it.Nick gets angry that she talked to Schmidt about his penis problem. They go confront Schmidt, who points out communication is their fatal flaw. Jess always wants to talk about her feelings, and Nick never will. Schmidt asks if they made it to "the spyglass." Jess says she did and saw it all because her night vision is very good. Schmidt asks Nick how he feels, but the answer comes out in grunts. Schmidt celebrates the break up but Nick stops him. He tells Jess he didn't enjoy the Captain, then he continues confessing, including that he likes her a lot but sometimes she never stops talking, even in her sleep. He enjoys the instrument the cello and once cried after seeing a zebra give birth at the zoo. He continues and Jess is moved by the outpouring of emotions. They head back to the bedroom. Frustrated, Schmidt comes in to join them, jumping between them on the bed as a "human dental dam." In Winston's room, he's staring at the cats, waiting for something to happen. Fatty's mom tries to talk to him, but he's barely aware she's there.He hears screaming. It's Nick and Jess running after Schmidt as he cuts up Nick's condoms. Then he goes and starts popping out Jess' birth control one by one. He wants things to go back to how they were. He eats an entire week. Fatty's mom comes to see what's going on. Winston yells at them that they're cats were just about to have sex. She realizes he was literally talking about their cats this whole time. Winston calls a loft meeting. Schmidt freaks out about the estrogen pills, saying he's really aware of his nipples.Jess says the whole thing is her fault because she's going through a sexual awakening, she's like a nun and Nick is her sexy monsignor. Winston points out they're just having sex, they didn't invent it. "Stop saying squeeze my biscuits, I'm serious Nick," he says. Winston tells Schmidt to get over his break-ups. "I've got a cat brothel going in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft," Winston says. "You did a bad thing, deal with it," Jess tells Schmidt. Schmidt goes to Cece's and leaves a note outside her door. He waits and sees that she uses it to throw her gum away. Nick shows Jess into his room, which has egg crates duct taped to the walls for sound proofing. She tells him the past month has been the best of her life, and he says the same. He enjoys being able to express his feelings now, and shares that he enjoys loves songs. He keeps going, and she suggests he take her bra off. He shares that he would love to. She suggests he get on with it. He continues sharing.
15 Oct 2013Description ▼
Schmidt is wracked with guilt over cheating on Cece and Elizabeth. He wants to believe he's a good person and claims, at least, he's better than Winston. Nick clarifies that he's better at things than Winston, but not a better person. The doorbell rings. A shady looking man has a paper bag for Nick from his father's estate. It's $8,000 in cash. Nick burns through the cash, getting massages and buying shoes that aren't even in his size. He goes to get his picture taken, because it seems like the kind of thing rich guys do. Jess wants to say something to him about it, but Winston warns her money is a very touchy subject with Nick. Nick owes Winston $1,900 and he knows this is his chance to get it back. Jess thinks Winston could just ask for it back, but Winston scoffs at the idea. Back home, Jess suggests Nick open a bank account, but he says that's like flushing it down the drain. He shows Jess the box where he puts things he doesn't want to deal with -- including a lot of unpaid bills. He laughs when she suggests he use the money to actually pay the bills. Schmidt unloads on a rabbi (Jon Lovitz), wanting to know how to be a better person. The rabbi suggests Schmidt be less concerned about himself. When Schmidt is walking home, he sees a man on a bike crash. The man starts to choke on the gum he was chewing while riding, so Schmidt performs the Heimlich, saving his life. Schmidt's reveling in his good act, when the man suggests he call 911. Back in the loft, Jess goes through Nick's unpaid bills, paying them. Out in the living room, Winston butters Nick up by serving him sliders. When Winston asks for his money back, Nick screams at him and announces he's going to the bar. Nick tells Jess she's the only one who understands it. When he leaves, Winston busts Jess with Nick's bills. He had the deed to an old Mercury Cougar. Flash back to Winston, Schmidt and Nick returning from spring break, wandering around an airport parking lot looking for his car and being unable to find it. Nick left gave up looking for it, saying "It's done." Winston agrees to keep his mouth shut, if she pays him the money Nick owes him. At the bar, Nick is deep in his head about his money when Schmidt suggests Nick give his money to charity if it's bothering him so much. Jess goes to the parking ticket bureau and tries to unpay Nick's parking tickets. The woman behind the counter is not terribly helpful when Jess asks her to watch for a wad of cash coming in the mail. Nick comes home drunk from the bar and tells Winston he's going to repay him. Jess runs to his room but can't hide what she's done, instead she hides under his bed, saying she was looking for shade. Nick discovers his cash is gone and leaves her there. Schmidt goes to the hospital to visit the bike messenger he saved. The messenger broke both his legs and won't ever bike again, but Schmidt wants to know if he thinks he's a good person. The man in the next bed was hit by a bus while doing a charity for "cancer kids." The bike messenger reminds Schmidt that bad things happen to good people and Schmidt freaks out over the uncertainty of it all. In the loft, Nick is upset that Jess seems to think she knows better, even though, as she points out, she does. Nick started a corporation called Fat Face and is being taxed like crazy. He's never done jury duty or paid taxes and is horribly in debt. He gets offended at her trying to fix him and resolves to fix her. He starts going through her drawers and finds her "night peanuts." (Not a euphemism, peanuts for nighttime snacking.) She has an immense ball of yarn. "What? Are you knitting a mansion?" he asks. He picks up her pile of vintage purses and suggests they could be sexier and covered in gems. He starts throwing her purses out the window. She tells him she likes him the way he is, but she's asking him to grow a little. He rails, telling her he's not changing for anyone and she can take it or leave it. She writes him a check for the money she spent and tells him to do with it what he wants. Schmidt busts in on the rabbi's bar mitzvah class and announces that none of it matters and he can do whatever he wants. As he's being escorted out, he shouts "YOLO! YOLO!" Down on the sidewalk with Outside Dave, Jess acknowledges she has too many purses. Jess gets called to a bank. Nick tried to open an account with a check in her name and a bag full of money. He tells her he realized something: He'd do anything for Jess. He opens a checking account, but balks at the $8 processing fee. Jess takes up his cause, shouting at the top of her lungs about the unfairness of it all. The bank agent waives the fee. Schmidt comes home, having been beat up by some rabbis. Winston tells him he's just a good person who did a bad thing and he has to try to be better. Winston gives Schmidt a giant gold candelabra. He bought it with the money Nick gave him. Schmidt asks him how many times he rubbed it expecting a genie to come out. Winston cops to three.
22 Oct 2013Description ▼
Jess, Nick and Winston have a secret meeting in the empty apartment to talk about Schmidt. Nick thinks it's haunted because a tenant died on the toilet. Jess doesn't want mopey Schmidt to ruin her party by sitting on the couch and wiping his tears with cold cuts. Back in the loft, Schmidt is eating cold cuts and yelling at the TV about nothing mattering. Schmidt stuffs meat into his mouth then finishes it off with a healthy squirt of mayo right from the bottle. As Winston carves his pumpkin, Schmidt kicks its face in. Jess tries to uninvite him to her party without actually unviting him, but he promises to be there. Winston tells Nick it's time for Schmidt to get a letter from an old friend. Nick hates the idea, but he tells Jess the story. When Schmidt was seven, his parents divorced and took to bed with tears and chocolate. To cheer him up, his mother wrote him a letter from his hero, Michael Keaton at Batman. But Schmidt wrote back and continued writing about every problem he had, from bullies to public erections. His mom continued replying as Michael Keaton. When he went to college, Schmidt's mom told Nick the secret and when Schmidt reverted to old patterns of crying and cold cut eating, Nick emailed him as Michael Keaton and it worked again. Jess wants to use Keaton again, but Nick refuses, saying the letters are too powerful. "I'm lying to my best friend and I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love," Nick says. When Nick and Winston leave, Jess contemplates the laptop. Jess goes to check on Cece and finds her a disheveled mess on her couch. She says she can't make it to the party because she's been going out drinking a lot and it's really taking a lot out of her. Jess promises that Schmidt won't be there. Back at the loft, Schmidt announces he's reconsidered and he won't be coming to Jess' party -- he recently heard from an old friend. He tells her about Michael Keaton and she acts surprised. When Schmidt leaves to begin catching up on his Keaton correspondence, Nick questions Jess, worried what will happen if Schmidt finds out it's all a lie. He almost did once. Flash back to Schmidt comparing Keaton letters in college and finding a discrepancy -- saying he'd never been to Nicaragua. Nick covered by knocking Schmidt out with a text book. Back in the loft, Schmidt starts freaking out debating if it's too soon to email Keaton back. Jess "solves" it by emailing again as Keaton, saying he's going on vacation. Feeling abandoned, the news sends Schmidt to bed eating a block of cheese. In the empty apartment, Nick goes back into Keaton mode, slipping on his Batman mask made of black tape. He has a picture of a bear for inspiration because: "The great Michael Keaton acts each new role with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. It's his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up." Nick emails something inspirational to Schmidt and gets a smiley face in return. In the loft, Schmidt answers the door for trick or treaters, while emailing Keaton. With the loft door open, he hears the telltale chime of a message received from down the hall. He continues emailing and following the noise. He sees Nick, Winston and Jess huddled around a keyboard. Later at the party, Jess is dressed as Joey Ramon-a Quimby. Nick is wearing trash from his car. Winston is dressed as David Letterman. Schmidt is there, dressed as a public serpent. (Lizard in a tie with a briefcase.) They worry that Schmidt is close to figuring it out. Nick and Jess return to the empty apartment to email and continue the ruse, but Schmidt listens from outside the door. When a trick or treater knocks wearing a batman costume, Jess asks for it. She emails him to meet outside his building in 30 minutes. Nick questions her endgame. Down on the sidewalk, Jess does a really atrocious Keaton impression. Schmidt comes down and plays along for a while like he believes it's Keaton, but then says he knows. "You should be ashamed of yourselves! How dare you hack into the email account of one of our nation's finest actors!" Schmidt says. Nick confesses to the whole thing. "I'm the owner of Keatonpotatoes@aol.com." He tells Schmidt that his mom started it. "You're going to tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures!" Schmidt says. Schmidt's taking it all in when Cece shows up with Winston. Schmidt turns to leave, but knocks over a trick or treater. The kids all gang up on him and whack him to the ground with their bags of candy as Cece watches. Up in the loft, Cece tells Jess that seeing Schmidt helped her get some closure. "Great, so let's fire up the Batman Mobile, go to a taco stand and eat some feelings," Jess says. Cece tries to help her with "Batman" versus "Batman Mobile." Down on the street, Schmidt processes the Keaton revelation. "You don't need Keaton, you've got me," Nick says. They both recoil at the Afterschool Special moment. The next day, Schmidt tells the loft that he's moving out, he already has the place lined up. "You can't move out, who's going to do my face?" Winston asks. Schmidt packs the douchebag jar in his box with his suitcase and walks out. He pauses in front of the elevator, then keeps walking into the apartment across the hall.
05 Nov 2013Description ▼
Nick gets a text from their old roommate Coach, he wants to hangout tonight. Every night with Coach is a party. Winston is sure this means he broke up with someone. Schmidt comes in from the balcony, where he was retrieving his wind chimes for his new apartment. Coach texts Schmidt, too. For a brief moment, Schimdt and Nick forget that they're angry at each other and reminisce about when he got the wind chimes. Then coach arrives and checks that everyone is ready to party.He broke up with Malia, she got all fat on him. He has no memory of Jess. He calls Winston "shrimp forks" because the basketball always slipped through his hands. Coach announces they're going to the strip club. Jess drags Nick into the other room, thinking it's kind of weird for a Tuesday night. Coach interrupts, accusing him of being whipped by his girlfriend."We haven't even discussed the whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing," Nick says, digging himself deeper. Nick protests that they simply haven't talked about it, or if they're seeing other people. When Coach interrupts again, Nick says he's just telling Jess what kind of cake to bake him. Nick can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. Jess announces she's going out, because they haven't had the boyfriend-girlfriend talk, and she's baking a pineapple upside-down cake. Nick isn't sure if it's a metaphor, but he's concerned. Jess goes for drinks with Cece, who advises if a guy wants to play games, she should play them back. She thinks of Artie from the coffee shop. He looks like Taye Diggs (because he's played by Taye Diggs). He gave her his number. At the strip club, Winston accidentally withdraws "bunny money" from the ATM. He's fine unless he withdrew too much. He has $2,000.When Coach walks away, Schmidt and Nick quickly try to figure out how to get out of the club. Schmidt has an early presentation and Nick is freaking out because Jess hasn't texted back. But when Coach returns and Nick suggests they go back to the loft to talk about his break-up, Coach rejects the offer of discussing his feelings. He mocks Nick and Schmidt panics and joins him. At the bar, Cece reveals she called hot, hot Artie. "Shut your face," is all she can manage. He sniffs her drink guesses every ingredient. She is totally charmed, but blurts out that she has a boyfriend. He shakes her hand and says good-bye. Cece paints a picture of what Nick is doing at the strip club, and Jess calls him back. At the club, the bartender tells Winston that bunny money is non-returnable, and he can't spend it on the dancers. Just at the bar or gift shop. Schmidt does a body shot off a stripper's shoulder and tries to identify the odd flavor. Baby formula. Tuesday night at the strip club! When Coach goes to give a stripper a lap dance, Nick suggests they just get Coach really, really drunk, then go home. Jess sits down for a drink with Artie, but just complains about Nick. She learns that Artie doesn't just work at the coffee shop -- he owns it. It's boring, a lot of spread sheets and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice. Artie suggests she call Nick and just talk things over, but she won't, because then Nick wins. Smooth Artie says maybe they both win. At the strip club, Coach seems to just be getting stronger after the shot contest. Jess calls Nick. He's super happy to hear from her, but Coach starts in, asking if it's the Notorious NAG. Nick covers the phone and says he's just "checking my woman," which Jess hears because he covered the listening part. She tells him she's with a man who owns a business and goes to Brasil. When he drops the phone and hangs up, sober Artie offers to give her a ride home. At this point even Cece thinks that's a bad idea, but drunk Jess loves it. At the club, Nick announces he needs to leave. Coach tells him relationships are prisons."Relationships are not prisons! Jess is amazing, she's sexy and sweet and I can't lose her. So I'm going home to see her," Nick says. Coach starts crying. He admits Malia broke-up with him. "I was just trying to fill a void," he says.Coach is ready to go, but Winston is eating lobster, the most expensive thing on the menu. Cut to the four of them in a cab, decked out in strip club gear. Coach wants to go fight the man who stole Malia -- he's a cop. Wedged in the backseat, waiting for Coach, drunk Nick and Schmidt try to fight, but can't reach across Winston. Back at the loft, with Artie in the restroom, Jess is resolved to hurt Nick back with some "long, hot conversation" with Artie. Cece apologizes to her for saying men suck. Jess explains how Nick doesn't have it together. He doesn't have a life plan, or a day plan. "I once found a note he wrote to himself that said 'Put on pants,' followed by a question mark," Jess says.Cece urges Jess to go get Artie and ask him to leave. Outside the police station, Coach's taunting is escalating, so the guys get out to stop him (in their Velvet Rabbit jackets, sweatshirts, hats and t-shirts). Nick tells Coach they're too old for the entire night and they have to grow up.Nick says he's in a relationship and he's happy and Schmidt moved out of the loft and he's happy."I'm miserable! It's your fault," Schmidt tells Nick. They start fighting until Derrick the cop comes out. Coach pulls it together and simply tells the cop to take care of her."I will. I'm a cop, not some drunk loser," he says. Nick suggests they grow-up tomorrow, and they all start making faces and taunting the cop -- until more cops come out, then they run off screaming into the night. Jess goes to find Artie in the loft saying she has to go to bed. She finds him naked in her bed. She thinks some signals may have gotten crossed. Artie invites her in, then shows off how limber he is. The guys return to the building. Coach says good night to "Shrimp Forks." Winston points out he played professional basketball, it's time to stop calling him that. Coach agrees. "Hop along Bunny Money," he says. Nick comes home. Cece goes to stall him, but fails miserably. He walks in to see Artie naked in her bed. (Jess is standing and fully clothed.) Jess tells him she realizes this must be his worst nightmare, all she has to do is spray paint "Jay Cutler sucks" on the wall to complete it. She swears nothing happened and nothing was ever going to happen. She begs him to believe her and he says he does. Nick requests Artie get out of his girlfriend's bed. Artie points out he's naked and it wouldn't be a fair fight."Well, I'd like it to be a fair fight," Nick says, and starts stripping, which is easy because he's wearing an outfit entirely purchased from a strip club, including breakaway pants. He sits down in bed next to Artie, who gets situated. Then Nick decks him and knocks him out cold. Nick and Jess pile him naked into the elevator and make-up. Later, Winston comes home with dinner purchased entirely from V-Rab with Bunny Money. "Deep Dish Gyrator" pizza, "Main Stage Fish Tacos," and "Pour Some Sugar on Meatballs." Winston tries to convince them to chip in, he'll take 50 cents on the dollar.
12 Nov 2013Description ▼
Someone slips a Hop Foo menu under the loft door. Nick takes advantage of it for brunch. Jess is wearing an Ocean Conservation Day T-shirt ("OCD rules!") and plans to pitch the field trip to the principal. At school. Jess tells Principal Foster that everything's been donated, they just need transportation. His first answer is a very loud no, then he explains he slept poorly last night. Jess explains some of her kids have never seen the ocean. She asked them to draw pictures of it and one drew a bagel with wings. He still says no. At the loft, Coach is all moved in to Schmidt's old room. Seeing Chinese brunch, he's concerned about Nick's level of fitness. Schmidt comes by to drop off his old key. "His jeans are so small," Coach says, as Schmidt leaves."He looks like something some Italian whittled," Nick says. Coach offers to train Nick so he can avoid the "boyfriend 15," which leads to him turning into a fat guy with a cowboy hat on a bicycle going in circles -- with a fat guy rash on his arm. Nick agrees, even though working out really isn't his thing. Winston wants to join in, but they don't expect him to last because he always gets hurt. Winston falls over on his bad ankle - he hurt it slipping on a pile of Chinese food menus in the hall. At school, Jess has to break the bad news about no beach trip to her student Crystal, in her hot dog hat. Jess assures her that if hot dogs can be hats, anything is possible. Back at the loft, Jess is annoyed to see the pile of Chinese menus under the door. She decides to confront the restaurant. At Hop Foo, she's ready to yell, but the waiter Bryan is super nice and immediately says they're wasteful and he'll talk to the manager. She loses her angry thunder quickly, then dissolves into immaturity when he tells her she's gorgeous. At the loft, Coach is ready to get Nick to work out. Schmidt calls, asking if he left his Oakland Raiders yarmulke there. He's sitting in his mostly empty loft, but won't come over even after Nick invites him. They put him on speaker phone and describe the scene. Jess comes home, charged over her menu victory. But it's short lived, as another comes sliding under the door. Jess follows the man slipping them under the doors to a van where she sees the waiter, Bryan. He confesses he's the owner, and he doesn't care about conservation, he just cares about his restaurant. Jess announces she's going to start a petition and turn it in to the people who are in charge of restaurants. In the loft, Coach gets Nick moving to electronica. Schmidt hears it through the wall and busts a move, unable to resist the good work out track. Coach puts Nick through jumping rope, but Nick thinks his is broken. Nick's push-ups look like he's mounting the floor. Cece comes over, with the emergency Chinese food Nick told her Jess needed. At the sight of her, Coach loses his ability to speak, and comes up with "diggity" and "wassup," then just starts lifting a dumbbell with two hands. Nick gives Cece money for the food, and a tip, leading Coach to offer to tip her right over. She leaves. Jess comes home and goes to her room to research lawsuits "for fun." Coach knocks the dumplings out of Nick's hands. Winston digs into the Chinese food as Nick and Coach grapple over dumplings. The ankle he hurt is bad enough that he's in a wheelchair -- one that he found in a ditch. Coach challenges Nick to be a doer instead of a "dumplinger," but Nick stuffs the whole thing in his mouth. Winston asks if the food has MSG in it because it makes his jaw lock up. Jess sees that the menus promise No MSG and wheels him out. Schmidt sees the scene and fumes over missing everything. At Hop Foo, Jess tells Bryan that if they don't stop with the menus she'll show everyone what his food did to Winston. He argues that Chinese food is MSG and America is living a lie, but she doesn't like his vibe and presents Winston to the restaurant. At the loft, Coach sits on the couch making island beats with a Casio. He was trying to prove he could still coach by helping Nick. He's been bumming since Malia broke up with him. Schmidt comes over with an extra alarm clock, to be neighborly. He sets it up on a shelf. Nick recognizes it has a camera in it. Schmidt leaves, announcing he has to go have coffee with a dear friend. Coach puts it to music. "Tiny pants man, he don't have no friends, that's why he got the clock to watch his friends..." At the restaurant, Jess successfully drives away all the customers. She tells Bryan she'll be back every day to do the same thing until he stops with the menus. Bryan announces she wins. He fires the menu guy. Schmidt has coffee with Outside Dave, who tells him that people grow up and move on, especially young people. He once lived with 40 birds, and they left, and he moved on. Back at the loft, Coach gorges on Chinese food. Jess wallows in defeat and sticks her face in a box of Chinese food. Nick sees two doers on the couch wallowing and tries to make a speech to inspire them. Schmidt storms in, announcing they win, he misses them. Nick asks Jess if there's a car or van they can rent, and she gets an idea. The Hop Foo vans drive the kids to the beach. Crystal gives Jess her hot dog hat. Jess gives it to Nick. Crystal asks if he's her dad. Jess asks how he feels helping people. Nick decides to run, with Coach chasing after him to do it better. "Nick Miller, you sorry excuse for a human being, you're shaped like a bean bag chair!" Jess gives Schmidt his key back. He admits it's a copy; he has 50 at home. Winston's wheelchair falls apart and the kids start burying him in sand. Jess wears her hot dog hat proudly.
9Longest Night Ever
19 Nov 2013Description ▼
Jess suggests to Nick that they stay in for date night. Nick thinks it means a romantic dinner and "Homeland," Jess was thinking sex on the couch. Her thing sounds fine to him. Winston asks Nick to watch his cat Ferguson so he can go out to meet human women. The fact that Winston specifies "human" women, indicates to Nick that it's a really good idea that Winston get out. Schmidt comes in with a steaming pile of cobbler and emotions. Coach is going out on a date with Cece. Jess thinks this is great for Cece because Coach is super hot, and reminds Schmidt that he blew it with her, so he has to be OK with it. Coach comes out of Schmidt's old bedroom and announces he's going to a basketball game tonight with Cece. Coach tells Schmidt all he has to do is "say the word" and he'll cancel, but Schmidt insists it's OK. Jess and Nick sit and listen in paralyzed horror as a series of high fives and weird reassurances pass between Schmidt and Coach as Schmidt inadvertently gets him fired up for his date."Yea, that first class a--is sitting in Coach tonight! And my seat is going to be in an upright and locked position," Coach announces. Schmidt keeps insisting he's fine, which Nick knows means he's not fine. Flash back to Nick consoling fat Schmidt in college that there will be other open mike nights, with sturdier stools. Schmidt says he's fine and then begins trying to strangle himself. Back in the loft, Nick expects Schmidt to crash the date. Jess suggests they take him out to help him move on, but Nick just wants to keep him somewhere safe.Nick apologizes about canceling date night."That's OK, we can have date night when we're married-" Jess blurts, trying to cover with "Merry Christmas." Waiting for Coach, Cece calls Jess for reassurance. She's wondering if the fact they're both going through a break-up makes the date a bad idea. Coach arrives and struggles to put words together, going with his best super chill attitude, which makes him sound like he got kicked in the head. Jess and Nick keep Schmidt company on the couch. Winston comes home early from his evening out. He thinks it's possible he forgot how to talk to women. Flash to Winston asking a woman if she ever wonders if someone in the bar has killed someone, then showing another a picture of Ferguson in a cowboy hat. Back in the loft, Winston notices that Ferguson doesn't come when he's called and then that Nick left the window open. Nick is torn between helping Winston find the cat and staying to help Jess with Schmidt, but he leaves. Schmidt decides he's ready to say "the word" to get Coach to cancel. Jess decides to try to take his mind off her, first by singing, then tap dancing, then stories of 10th grade. It doesn't work. Schmidt notices the coach is nice brown leather. It reminds him of Cece. Soon, he's face deep in two pillows. Jess announces she's getting him out of there. Nick and Winston drive around looking for Ferguson. Finally, after Winston calls the cat his "best friend," Nick tells him to stop being pathetic.Winston gets a text that someone found the cat. At the game, Coach is trying to impress Cece by buying her tons of gear. She has a headband, sweatshirt and giant foam finger. He buys her seven pretzels. "When I agreed to go on a date with you, this isn't exactly what I expected," Cece says.Coach, whose nervousness has made him both obnoxious and shy, takes it as a compliment. At a bar, Jess builds Schmidt up to go talk to a woman. "She's on a flip phone, Jess. That means she's either poor or a time traveler," he says. When Jess leaves Schmidt to talk to a woman, he tells her his soul mate is at a game and he has to go stop it. He runs when Jess looks away. Winston is reunited with Ferguson at a woman's crummy apartment. She explains to Winston that she's a pet owner, too -- a hamster. She's done with the pick-up scene, although it looks like the pick-up scene is more done with her. When Winston says he feels the same, she thinks it's too bad and flirts with him.Well, hello there. She invites Nick and Winston to dinner, she has bologna that comes in the foil package. Winston is sold when she mentions pudding cups. Schmidt tries to make his way to the Staples Center, but stops to buy chocolates, so he doesn't come empty handed."Do you have anything that says 'I'm sorry for cheating on you, please don't sleep with my friend'? Of course you don't," he says. At the game, Cece is now weighed down by two giant buckets of popcorn. She gets annoyed that Coach is texting and finally tells him he should just be with that person. She dumps the popcorn and leaves. At odd hamster-owning Bertie's house, Winston wants to learn more, over white bread and bologna sandwiches. She used to work in a shoe store, sold Christian t-shirts for awhile and got her tubes tied."I like driving a bus. Get to put whatever I want on the dash, it keeps the darkness away," she says. Nick is skeeved out and tries to end it, but Winston is into her, finally happy to talk to a woman. When she gets up to take her stomach medicine, Winston asks Nick to take Ferguson home so he can stay and "see where this goes." Coach follows an angry Cece out of the Staples Center. He tells her he was texting his mom. When she doesn't believe him, he shows her the text: "Go get her, Boo boo." He admits he's nervous because he just got out a relationship and doesn't feel like he knows how to date anymore.Cece knows how he feels. She softens."I just want to buzz some Drake and get up on you, gurl," Coach oozes."See, you're doing it again," she says.He stops. They both relax. Jess pulls up alongside Schmidt and his box of chocolates. He wants to tell Cece he loves her, but Jess says he can't. He knows. He tells Jess he's about to start running away from her again and the only way for her to stop him is to hit him with her car. He stands in front of it and slow jogs away, telling her to do it for Cece. She lightly taps him with her bumper.Schmidt freaks out, not believing she really did it. "These are my favorite utility khakis!" he says. A cop pulls up behind Jess and startles her. She taps the gas and actually hits Schmidt, rolling him up onto her hood. Schmidt tells the cop Jess was just being a friend. "I hit him because I care about him," Jess says."You guys are into some weird stuff," the cop says. Back outside the loft, Schmidt tells Jess he isn't fine, but he will be. They see Coach and Cece making out after their date and decide to wait it out. Half an hour later, they're still at it. At Bertie's place, Winston smoothly asks for some of her stomach medicine. He chugs it. She asks if he's staying the night. "Oh hell yea," he says, and they jump on each other.
26 Nov 2013Description ▼
After reading his Thanksgiving Evite from Nick, Coach has a few questions."When your testicles fell off, did you form lady parts? Or is it kind of like a Gonzo nose down there?" Coach says. Coach warns him about the risks of disappearing into a relationship then demands he stand up. Nick reveals he's wearing tight pink sweat pants. "It's football player pants for breast cancer awareness," Nick says. They're Jess's pants. Later, Nick goes to Jess and suggests they go camping instead. Nick makes a pitch to Winston and Schmidt that it'll be a test of their manhood. Winston thinks drinking beer on the couch is also a good test.Schmidt agrees because he's never been. They all arrive at their camping spot, with Schmidt sporting a fedora.Cece arrives, Jess is excited she decided to come."What could be better than camping in the woods with my ex-boyfriend and his friend I just made out with?" Cece says."With whom you just made out," Jess corrects. Jess promises to get her if it gets awkward.Cece says hi to Schmidt and Coach, causing Coach to de-evolve back into his attempted cool "Wassup gurl?" attitude. Schmidt tells Coach he just spent 12 hours on the Internet learning everything there is to know about camping, so be sure to ask him if he has any questions. In addition to his fedora, he's wearing a neckerchief and leather vest. As Cece and Winston unpack, he notices her solar powered cell phone charger. They confess they hate camping. In the car, Jess opens the cooler and finds it full of beer instead of the pies she made. Nick announces they're going to be hunting and foraging, but he had to bring beer because you can't forage for beer. He tries to sell his plan to the group, with an emphasis on the manliness of it. Nick has printed out helpful wilderness guides on which plants are safe to eat. Winston announces he won't be hunting: "The only hunt I want is Bonnie or Helen." Nick tries to clear a path through the woods and promises Coach and Schmidt that if they get injured, he will kill them fast. He's carrying a knife taped to a pole. Schmidt goes full wilderness, trying to break tree branches to leave a trail and proudly picking up a tiny piece of poop and announcing he found scat and there's an animal nearby. Nick thinks it's a raisin, so Schmidt eats it."That's poop for sure. I was right, so in your face, Nick," Schmidt says."How so?" Nick says. Nick digs a large hole and covers it with branches, explaining it's a bear trap. They'll catch the bear then take whatever food he has. Classic human-bear team-up. Schmidt has constructed a squirrel trap, consisting of a large rock propped up by a stick. He demonstrates how it works and, as Coach is cautioning him not to crawl under the large rock, it falls on his shoulder. Coach makes him a sling in 10 seconds out of his jacket and confesses he was an Eagle Scout. Coach didn't want to steal Schmidt's thunder because he wanted to be the best at camping and given the whole Cece thing.... Schmidt gets angry and rips the sling off. Meanwhile, Jess tries to forage, but only manages to get scratched by brambles. Cece and Winston consult their phones and find a country store nearby. Nick sees a fish in the lake and rejoices that they have food to eat. Winston and Coach are less thrilled because it's floating on its side -- dead.Coach realizes the whole camping thing is because he teased Nick about the Evite. Nick dives in the lake for the fish, which is definitely dead. Back at the camp site, Winston and the ladies rub dirt on their produce from the store to make it look foraged. Nick returns, triumphant, with his dead fish. Jess says she got the cashews on a bush, and the beets, and the avocado. Nick reaches for the apple and sees the sticker. Jess reminds Nick all she wanted was for them to sit down to dinner together, but Nick says he feels how the Indians did on the first Thanksgiving: betrayed. (Coach reminds him the first one was the good one.) Nick storms off and cooks his dead fish alone. When the eyeball falls out, he says that's how you know it's done. Back at the campsite, Schmidt is trying to prove he's the better camper by making fire out of two rocks. Coach makes an instant flame with his knife, one upping him again. Jess tries to console Nick by telling him it's really impressive he caught a fish with his bare hands. He feels patronized. He tells her ever since they started dating they've been doing a lot of girly stuff and, while he likes most of it, his tolerance for alcohol has gotten really low. "I drank three beers and I got all giggly and tired and I didn't want a fourth. Last night I had a dream that I was brushing a horse. I just feel like I'm losing myself a little," he says. Nick says he wants to eat his fish alone. Jess grabs it and takes out a mouthful. He tries to get her to spit it out as she says she can really taste the lake."Jess, that fish was dead when I caught it. There was a sock near it," he confesses. Jess wanders off, tripping on dead toxic fish. They go looking for her and Nick tells Coach he liked his Evite and it was cute as a button. Coach recognizes where Jess is wandering and yells at her to stop too late. She falls into the deep bear pit. Nick races to save her and dives in head first. Nick thinks he may have cracked a few ribs and Jess seems to think she's a rabbit. Above, Coach asks Schmidt if he has any ideas of how to get them out. Schmidt thinks he's humoring him. "I admit it, you're a better camper than I am. You're better at life than I am. You're probably better at dating Cece than I am," Schmidt says. He tells Coach he saw them making out and Coach tells him that's all they did and now Cece won't return his calls and has been ignoring him. Schmidt loves it. Cece comes over and tells them to take their pants off to make a pants rope. Jess climbs on Nick's back as the other four pull them up.Nick celebrates his triumph when they reach the top of the pit -- and promptly falls back in. At the hospital, Jess wakes up and Nick tells her the good news: she doesn't have rabies. But he does have giardia and Legionnaire's disease. Nick apologizes for the terrible camping idea. She assures him he's the man she wants. Everyone else waits in the waiting room. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, Schmidt offers Coach some Cece advice. He needs it. "I told her she looked pretty, she said 'thanks.' What kind of mind game is that?" Coach wonders.Schmidt assures him Cece always plays hard to get. Nick comes out with an idea. Everyone goes in to Jess's room with food from the vending machines and turkeys drawn on inflated surgical gloves. It's 11:58, still Thanksgiving. She thinks it'll be a few weeks before she can eat again, but takes the ginger ale. They all get their Thanksgiving meal together.
11Clavado En Un Bar
07 Jan 2014Description ▼
Jess has twenty minutes to decide if she should give-up teaching and take a new job, prompting the gang to recall how they all landed in their current professions.
14 Jan 2014Description ▼
Jess wants to be Coach's friend. Nothing has worked so far until she realizes that her only way in is through his obsession with the Pistons. Nick is unhappy with Jess' new friendship as he is a Bull's fan. |
21 Jan 2014Description ▼
At the bar, Cece brings Jess a birthday drink, that, judging by the fact Jess can't breathe after she takes a sip, might be a wee bit strong. For her birthday, instead of her usual going to the movies by herself, Jess is spending the day with Nick. She admits she has a lot of birthday expectations. Flash to Jess opening a present from Cece. It's a shirt, but she just sees the label says "Made in China" and thinks it means Cece is taking her to China.That's where the alone at the movies came from. She says she's just safer that way. Cece goes over to the guys at the end of the bar and reports she has no idea about the party. They cheer, drawing Jess' attention. To cover, Nick announces that Winston is STD-free. Keeping the secret has been nearly impossible for Nick, a notorious non-secret keeper. Coach was on decorations and Winston is on "cake patrol."Schmidt is transporting "all electronics" to the venue, and by that means a flash drive. Cece is going to cover Nick's Saturday night shift.Nick's boss Mike is not thrilled. He doesn't think she's ready, she set fire to soda water. The party planning has taken nearly everything out of Nick, but they ask him what he has planned for the day -- the party isn't til 7p. He thinks he won't have to start until noon because Jess will want to sleep in.Cut to the next morning, Jess wide awake at 7 a.m., the time she was born. In the kitchen, there's been a slight mix up with the cake, which has a giant handgun on it and says "See you in hell, Boomer." Nick assigns Coach and Winston to fixing it then sets about making a 90 minute omelet to kill time. Schmidt volunteers to check up on Cece at the bar. Jess helps and it takes 6 minutes. Nick suggests they go into the bedroom to "slow things down," cut to them in bed and Jess saying it's the fastest it's ever been. He suggests a six or seven hour nap, but she wants to go outside. He says lunch is next. It's 8:30a.m. At the bar, Cece is drying glasses when she knocks one into the ice and breaks it. Mike is annoyed and tells her he's not going to cover for her like Nick does, and she can't flirt with him because he's "super gay."He assess her as 3 out of 6. In the loft, Coach brags about nailing the decorations. He even has kazoos. Nick calls to check in. He took Jess to get a free diabetes test at a drug store. Back at the loft, Winston thinks Coach is trying to show him up. Winston complains that's what Coach has always done and challenges him to a bake-off."I'm going to make a cake so moist girls are gonna be like, 'Why do you say moist? I hate that word. And I'll be like, Just taste the cake. And they'll be like, Damn, it's moist," Coach says. At the bar, Mike brings Cece back a customer's Old Fashioned -- gin in a mug with a peanut. He tells her to make another one or he's calling the manager, which he wants to do anyway because he's gorgeous."I want to be a barnacle on his ship, just hanging on by my mouth, getting all the nutrients I need," Mike says. Cece has no idea what's in it, so Schmidt pretends to talk to himself and walks her through it. Nick takes Jess to the park and challenges her to find the biggest rock she can. She tells him it's OK if he didn't plan anything, but he tells her he did and he's about to blow her mind. Jess walks around a tree and sees a table set up with presents and a Happy Birthday sign and cupcakes. She jumps for joy and goes to sit down while Nick tries to get her to stop. Jess bites into the cupcake as a couple dozen kids come down the hill. "That lady stole my birthday!" the girl shouts. Jess runs off and Nick tries to talk to her. She's in tears as she assures him she's fine and appreciates that he planned a fun day for her, which is impressive because she says he's not a guy who plans things. She tells him she's just going to go home for a minute and he shouldn't follow her. She runs off. At the bar, Cece and Schmidt struggle to tap a keg. Cece ends up spraying Mike in the face, leading him to call her a "butthole" and tell her she can't do anything right.She wonders why she thought she could bartend."Because you can. You are strong and you are confident. Those are skills, use them. And be a little bit meaner to the people here. It should be easy for you, just pretend they're me," Schmidt says. At the loft, Coach is lapping Winston in cake baking. Winston is wearing paper towels taped together as an apron. They struggle to hide their cakes as she comes in and flops on the couch crying. The clean up the kitchen and hide all the decorations. Winston runs off with the "surprise" balloons as Coach gets her to close her eyes and think of a happy place. Winston calls Nick from the bedroom. Nick is doubting himself but Winston tells him he has a whole team of friends pulling for him. At the bar, Cece reports in to Mike after cleaning everything up. She tells him she and her "friend" are going to a party. Schmidt appreciates being called her friend again. At the loft, Winston and Coach wait to see the results of their baked cakes. They're both perfect and merged together. Coach and Winston share a close moment over the intimacy of their cakes. Nick goes to get Jess and finds a note saying she's at the movies. "This might actually work," Nick says. In the theater, after the cell phone warning, a video of Nick comes on the screen, saying hello to her. He tells her to look under her seat, then real Nick joins her (he put a note under every seat). She reads: "My name is Jess, I like to wear tights, it's dark in this room, so let's turn on the lights." Everybody in the theater jumps up and shouts surprise, with party hats and Coach's kazoos. Schmidt, Cece, Winston and Coach are there, too. A birthday video plays on the screen. It's all her friends talking about the things they think of when they think of Jess. Principal Foster says: "Your youthful exuberance exhausts me, may it fade with each passing year." Outside Dave describes her as "the upstair lady." Rose is identified as "Colleague/Loose Cannon." She wishes happy birthday to her "best work friend.""Tina, if you see this, I'm sorry. I just feel like we drifted apart after Jeremy's cocaine thing," she says. Bearclaw (Josh Gad) sent a message unsolicited about a squirrel he saw that looks like Jess. Tran, Nick's silent Asian counselor is there, silent. Jess' class waves and wishes her happy birthday with the caption: "Your Class, Weirdly OK with strange man taping them." Jess' mom (Jamie Lee Curtis) tells her she just remember the searing pain. Her dad (Rob Reiner) says: "When you were born I got a deli sandwich at the cafeteria. And then there was a baby." Nick is last, showing her the coin he had in his pocket the first night they kissed. Now he always has it. Winston and Coach come in singing with their merged cake, but everyone looks around and sees that Jess is gone. Nick finds her crying in the hall. He starts apologizing that it was weird and he "didn't have great talent to work with", Winston was terrible. She kisses him and says it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for her. Back in the theatre, Schmidt's part plays. He tells her happy birthday then arms a car alarm and the car explodes. Everyone throws popcorn at him. Then he runs away from a herd of dinosaurs.
02 Feb 2014Description ▼
In the loft, the guys are watching the game when Winston comes in and asks if Nick mind if he moves Jess' panties from the dryer. Coach, Nick, Schmidt and Winston have far too long a conversation about panties.Nick gets an idea. Jess and Cece come home to see the guys moving her underwear with a poker. They have a story. Flash to Jess and Cece about to cross the street when they're nearly run over by an SUV. They shout as it screeches past. Then it backs up. Then they explain the driver was really sorry and invited them to a party at her boss' house: Prince.They're sending a limo. Later, Jess and Cece try to decide what to wear.Schmidt arrives in his new $2,000 suit and they break the news that only the ladies are invited. Schmidt is upset. He thinks the party was going to take him to the next level."So this whole time you've just been waiting for cooler friends?"Coach says.Schmidt refuses to believe this is all there is. Jess finally settles on a dress and Nick thinks she looks terrific. As the limo is pulling away, he tells her: "Have fun. I love you." She stares at him through the window then says nothing and just gives him finger guns. Nick stands in stunned silence.In the limo."Did Nick just tell me he loved me for the first time? And did I do finger guns back?" Jess says. Cece calls for more champagne. At the bar, Nick talks to Coach, Schmidt and Winston about the repercussions of blurting out to Jess that he loves her. It's how he feels, but he didn't mean to say it that way, she just looked so pretty. Winston thinks blurting is fine. Flash to him shouting it in a restaurant as a girl takes a sip of soup. Nick thinks he blew it with Jess."Well, Nick, you can't take it back," Winston says."That's not entirely true," Schmidt says. Cut to the guys in a product placement Ford discussion in the car in a line of cars outside Prince's house, trying to get in to the party. "Just drive the car, I've gotta go tell my girlfriend I don't love her so she doesn't leave me, like a normal person," Nick says. Inside, Jess is also regretting her reaction. She practices blurting out "I love you," earning the attention of Clayton Kershaw with the Dodgers -- but she doesn't believe he's who he says and tells him to get lost. Outside the party, the guys try to figure out how to get inside. Winston suggests it's time for "Fire and Ice."They demonstrate for Nick and Schmidt that when you mix the two you get warm water. At the rope line, Coach tells the gigantic bouncer he's on the list when he stops and "recognizes" Winston. They do a whole routine about not having seen each other and Winston saving Coach's (Bertie) life and then learning about a fallen comrade. The bouncer is touched and lets them in. Watching, Schmidt suggests he and Nick need their own routine. Nick suggests "ham and cheese."Nick charges up to the bouncer and pretends to recognize Schmidt, who is still protesting that they didn't rehearse. Nick explains the last time he saw Schmidt was in the desert and he was putting his mother in a prison.Then Nick bails and "Trojan Horses" his way inside a pack of models, leaving Schmidt outside. Nic finds Jess inside and she tells him she has something she wants to say to him. "Nick Miller I..." and then she passes out. When she's awake, Nick tells her it's OK, he wants to take it back. But she doesn't want him to. Schmidt, from outside the hedge, weighs in. He pushes his way through ("I'm breeching!") and falls to the ground inside. But Jess wants a moment alone with Nick. They're talking when a voice interrupts. It's Prince. He pauses to give them time to freak out. Jess goes with "oh my god" and Nick squeals like a teenage girl then passes out. Sitting on a bench in Prince's backyard, with him sandwiched in the middle, Jess and Nick explain their situation. Prince requests a demonstration of "finger guns."Prince asks for a moment alone with Jess. Prince asks if she likes pancakes. Inside, the bouncer is chasing Schmidt. He runs to Cece on the dance floor and hides his face in her cleavage, lingering long after the coast is clear. Winston and Coach are deep into Fire and Ice with two models, when Nick interrupts, drunk and wallowing in the fact Jess is with Prince. He suggests it's time to dance, although Winston points out that doesn't ever make anything better. Back in Prince's kitchen, he feeds Jess pancakes and wisdom. He says she's just scared if she says it she'll open herself up to getting hurt. "But anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for," Prince says. He takes her to his closet and plays stylist. Then he surrounds her with candles and has her practice saying "love." They play some pingpong, although she's not sure what she's supposed to be learning. He shows her a fluttering butterfly, which he has trained to land on his shoulder.Then he shuts her in a closet. As she cries that she's afraid of the dark, he flicks a lighter and warns her to stop being afraid. Then he announces it's time for her to go find Nick. When she says she doesn't know how to thank him, he whispers something in her ear and tells her it's her party now. Schmidt finally gives up making new friends and joins Winston, Cece and Coach at the bar where they're playing "lemon mouth," to see who can suck on a lemon longer. Coach has his stop watch handy to time Schmidt, who promptly eats the lemon and announces he's set a new record. Jess comes down in her flowing Prince dress and finds Nick dancing poorly. She whispers in his ear."I hate to say this, but I didn't hear a word because it's very loud in here," Nick says. So Jess shouts "I love you, Nick Miller!" Prince takes the stage and invites Jess up to sing back-up. The whole gang takes the stage and dances. Later, back at the loft, they sit in stunned silence.They ask how Jess knew the words. "I think Prince is magic," she says."How do we move on from this? Do I just go to work tomorrow?" Schmidt says. They realize Cece isn't there. Cut to Cece playing ping pong with Prince.
04 Feb 2014Description ▼
Winston vows not to put something of til Friday, but is distracted by how much fruit Nick has. They ran into his ex Caroline at the Farmer's Market. Flash to Nick not handling seeing her well at all and breaking a fruit display. "I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon," Nick explains to Jess. He insists sex is the only reason exes are friends. Winston shares that he's still friends with all his exes families. Shelby's dad still sends him $5 on his birthday. Coach joins and says he's friends with all of his exes...for sex. Schmidt interrupts to announce he finished his loft. He can't rouse any interest. Later, Jess tells Nick he needs to clear the air with Caroline for some closure. He's afraid she'll hurt him physically, or with words. At the bar, Schmidt tries hitting on a woman by telling her his new loft is so big that no one can hear you scream outside.Cece tells him he's giving off a creepy vibe and living alone is messing up his game. Cut to Schmidt shouting into his fridge for grapes, then crying over the bowl. At the bar, Schmidt says he needs human contact. Cece points out he's caressing his own arms. Over coffee with Caroline, she just wants to know why he walked out.Later, Jess commends him for going. As she kisses him, Caroline pulls up in her car. Nick didn't tell her he was with Jess. Back at the loft, Nick says he didn't tell Caroline because he got scared. He panics when she calls.Jess suggests he should talk to her ex Berkley. She texts him, calling him "babe" and signing it "xoxo," which Nick announces means she's leading him on. Caroline texts Nick quoting scripture with a lot of curse words mixed in. He finally relents and agrees to talk to Berkley, who's nearby with his baby class. Winston and Coach visit Schmidt's loft, which Coach thinks is nice, "like a European airport." He shows off his split screen TVs and the 15 different locations for sex, all with names. He tells them to come by anytime. He made them keys. Winston's is a guitar, because he's rockin'. Coach's is a star kissing a rainbow. Schmidt reveals that the coffee table opens up to a cooler. Berkley drops by the loft, sharing inside jokes with Jess and offering fatherhood metaphors to Nick. He tells him to let Caroline get everything off her chest. Nick can't believe his cozy rapport with Jess is real, but Jess is glowy, saying she's so lucky to have a friend like Berkley in her life. Schmidt picks a woman at a bar, giving her his address on a business card when she agrees to come home with him. Back at the loft, Berkley grabs Jess alone and tells her he's ready to leave his wife so that they can finally be together. She tells him there's been a fundamental misunderstanding and tries to spray him with the sink hose, but finds that Winston has disconnected it. Back at Schmidt's, he finds a woman waiting for "Schmidt" -- Coach. Berkley tells Jess that all her phone calls, texts about boyfriend problems and hugs and kisses have been her setting up dominoes for him. When Nick comes back out she tells him to stuff it because Nick was right and she doesn't want him to know. Nick has been trying to email Caroline but getting nowhere. He gets a text from Caroline to come to the window. On the street below, she picks up a cinder block and hurls it through a car window, then starts bashing it with a board. Nick shouts that it's not his car. Jess tries to get Berkley to leave and go home to his wife, but Nick says it's not safe with Caroline down there and Berkley should stay. Over at Schmidt's, he and Coach argue about who's going to go to bed with a lady and who has to leave. "I'm about to take down that vdragon, I'm about to pin the tail on the vdonkey, you better not stand in the way of this," Coach says. Schmidt agrees to use the guest room, "like an animal." But he finds Winston in there on top of Birdie. Downstairs, Caroline rides the elevator up with Schmidt's date for the evening. As Caroline starts pounding on the loft door, Jess whispers to Berkley that she doesn't love him. He starts yelling and Nick hears him ask why she's led him on for 10 years. Nick is suddenly not concerned about Caroline and stops everything to enjoy that he was right about Berkley. Berkley recites the ways Jess led him on, including brushing his hand at a Dave Matthews concert in 2004 during "Two Step." "You think I wear this sweater because I like it?" he says of his rumpled cardigan."It's a handsome sweater," Jess says."That's right, I love you," Berkley says. Caroline attacks the door from the hall and Schmidt's date gets nervous about the crazy woman behind her. Inside Schmdit's apartment, he orders Coach and Winston to stay in their respective rooms and he'll use one of the bang positions in the living room, but there will be no unauthorized exiting. Berkley thinks he's helping get Nick back together with is ex and opens the door for Caroline. She immediately shouts at Jess for stealing her boyfriend and demands a timeline. Jess lays it out for her, with many current events in between their break up and her getting with Nick. Caroline tells her to enjoy it while it lasts because soon he'll be high fiving her instead of holding her hand and won't let her be the little spoon anymore and then two years after they break up, he still won't tell her why. Jess excuses herself to go sit in the shower, which Berkley says he'll be picturing. Nick checks on her later. "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.... I've led a very fortunate life," she says. Nick thinks she and Caroline deserve to know why he left Caroline. Over at Schmidt's, everything goes wrong when Coach's date comes out for water. The women get confused about who's who and what's going on and both leave. Nick tells Caroline that he never cheated on her but he might as well have because he fell in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door. Caroline says she always thought it was Jess and is glad to know she's not crazy. After she leaves, Jess admits to Berkley that she may have played some part in leading him on. When they're both gone, Jess enjoys that Nick fell for her the moment they met. Over at Schmidt's, they identify other bang spots in the living room, including the Glass Menagerie, the *68, the Jumanji, the Jean-Michele Basquiat, the Fabric Softener, the Nia Vardalos, the sex on the rug....
11 Feb 2014Description ▼
Winston invites everyone to dinner at Birdie's. She's making 10 or 11 soups and all of them are cream based. Jess's mom calls. "Sorry to interrupt, I know that morning is the most sensual time of day," she begins. She tells Jess that Jess's sister Abby was arrested in San Diego for stealing from a hotel. She wants Jess to get her on a plane home. Cece drops by with all the ladles she could find. She knows Abby coming to town is bad news and Jess tries hard to seem excited. When Nick says he'd like to meet her, Jess suggests he meet them after she picks Abby up from the airport, i.e. jail. Cece can't believe Jess would really let him meet Abby and Jess explains she doesn't intend to let it ever happen. They both bail on Birdie's dinner. That leaves just Winston, Birdie, Cece and Coach. Coach doesn't want to go because it's down to a double date and he and Cece haven't spoken since their date and make out two months ago. Winston tells him to suck it up and be a man. Schmidt comes to Nick, needing him as a wingman at a party before dinner. Flash to Nick serving as wingman for Schmidt at an outdoor yoga class, pretending that Schmidt is helping him recuperate. Then in a book store, Nick "recognizing" Schmidt as author of "So you've mastered the female orgasm, now what?" Jess picks up Abby from jail, where she whispers to one woman that another stole her gum and instigates a fight.In the car to the airport, Abby wants to meet Nick and changes her flight. She tries to encourage Jess to do something she isn't supposed to, but a cop pulls up and tells Jess to drive faster. Schmidt takes Nick to a bar mitzvah to target Rachel, a Hebrew school teacher. Her dad is Schmidt's rabbi, who hates him. At the loft, Cece and Coach sit around awkwardly until Jess and Abby arrive. Cece pretends to be happy to see her until Abby says she's glad Cece isn't so rail thin anymore. Abby reads the room and announces Coach wants to have sex with Cece, but she's not so sure. Abby volunteers if Cece isn't into it, prompting Jess to break into awkward song and drag Abby away. At the bar mitzvah, Nick goes to distract the rabbi while Schmidt goes to hit on Rachel. The rabbi tries out his jokes on Nick. ("Two Jews walk into a bar... they buy it.") Schmidt asks Rachel about her job and she says it was the only place that would hire her after she got out of rehab. She's drinking wine. Nick cuts the rabbi off mid-punchline to answer Jess's call. She's calling from the closet and says she and Abby won't make dinner. The rabbi goes to drag his daughter away from Schmidt, prompting her to yell that Schmidt wants to have sex with her and she loves sex. Nick thinks Jess is embarrassed by him, but Schmidt is annoyed that all Nick talks about is Jess. At the loft, Jess tells Abby that Nick has to hang out with his work friends and can't make it. Jess notices Abby asking for more wine like their mother and they start laughing about how their mom calls getting drunk getting stoned. She got a tiny denim backpack and calls it her "little blue guy." When Jess goes to get a picture of it, Abby sees a text to Jess from Cece: "So, has Abby ruined everything yet?" When Jess comes out of the bedroom, Abby is gone. Downstairs, Abby asks Outside Dave if he's seen "a girl that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?" "I'm doing my taxes," he says, as he punches the air. Jess's mom calls. When Jess says things aren't going well, her mom says she'll fix it. But Jess chafes at her mom calling her "baby," just like Abby did, and says she'll handle it. At the bar mitzvah, Nick joins Schmidt at the bar and apologizes. They make up, with Nick pronouncing himself "the best wingman who's ever wung." Jess finds Abby at a hotel bar. She apologizes for the text, but says Abby does ruin everything. She drags her to the car. At the world's most awkward soup dinner, Birdie asks Coach what's new and he suggests Cece text him about it. They start arguing about her not texting after their two hour make-out, with him calling her the sexiest mistake he ever made and her calling him the hottest, dumbest, sexiest mistake she ever made. Winston eats soup. Suddenly, they're reliving the makeout and trying to recreate her being pressed against the wall outside. He's hoisting her up and cramping and she's falling and it's going terribly and they call it off and decide to be friends.They go in for one more kiss and he bites her tooth. "Sorry, when I get excited my teeth come out," he says. Her tooth is broken.Jess drops Abby off at the airport. "I get why you're mad at me," Abby says, "but if it's any consolation, I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother. It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. I said I would never go back to Portland, so I guess I'm a complete failure. I'm the baby," Abby says. She gets out of the car and walks away as a cop comes up to Jess. At the bar mitzvah, Nick and Schmidt prepare for their ploy, of Nick taking over the dance floor and Schmidt knocking him out and thereby winning the affection of both Rachel and her rabbi father. Schmidt has it all planned out, down to their children's name and site of their vacation home. Nick points out he's monologuing, but allows it. Nick bellows his way onto the dance floor, pretending that an elderly woman is the object of his affection. But she's way too into it and kisses him back.Schmidt it too entertained to stop it, so another man comes up and decks Nick. The rabbi stands up and asks Dr. Nussbaum if he'd like to date his daughter. Nick comes home in clown shades hiding a shiner. He tells Jess she's right to be ashamed of him. She's starting to protest when Schmidt comes in and announces he's Nick's wingman now, "because it takes two wings for a bird to dance.""Jessica Day, you are dating a champion," Schmidt says."I agree," Jess says, confused. She insists she's not embarrassed and then Abby comes out and joins them, clarifying that Jess is embarrassed of her. "Mom is right, he does have an uptown butt. I'd like to put that butt in ski pants," Abby says."What does that mean?" Jess says. When Abby leaves, Jess admits she might have told a few lies about her sister. Nick doesn't see the point, given how many Millers are in jail. Jess asks if Abby can stay. Abby says for a week, a month, six months tops. She wants to know the address for any "deliveries." Jess senses perhaps she's made a terrible mistake. She takes Nick's clown's shades and tells him she loves him, then shuffles off.
25 Feb 2014Description ▼
In the loft, Jess's sister Abby teaches the guys a name of "Sky Knife." It involves throwing knives into the ceiling, point first, and trying to get them to stick. Like vertical darts.Jess comes home and Nick tackles her -- she was in the drop zone. Abby has been there a week and Jess thinks she's sowing chaos. Abby goes to Schmidt's to get the good knives. The guys are all having a great time. Abby comes back in a fake panic saying someone has found her and he wants his stuff. Jess falls for it and Nick has to explain she's been pranked.The guys love it. Abby announces she'd like to live there. Later, Winston waits to see his LAPD entrance exam results, which go live in 30 seconds. Abby lays on the import of the moment, that he's about to get life changing information. She asks if he's cool under pressure, but Winston admits he's a huge choker. He declines to check his results, saying he has to go to a "sandwich meeting." Jess goes to Nick for help with Abby, but he doesn't want to get in the middle of her weird sister thing. Winston interrupts, asking if they want to go to Alhambra to try on jeans. When Nick asks about the cop test, Winston leaves. Jess is sure Abby is behind the weirdness. But she can't just tell Abby not to live there, because Abby always does the opposite of what people want. Instead, Jess is going to find Abby an apartment and try to convince Abby it was her idea. Nick doesn't think you can lie to a liar, but Jess uses some basic reverse psychology to outfox him and he agrees to distract Abby. Coach is training a hot woman at his gym when Winston drops by, determined to work on getting rid of his "pizza baby." Coach is trying to put the moves on his client, but Winston booked Coach for the whole afternoon. Winston suggests a tandem session. The hot chick suggests Coach stretch Winston out, giving Coach a Winston crotch eyeful. Nick takes Abby to a vintage car museum and she instantly smells something is up. She hops on the hood of a car and refuses to get off until Nick tells her what's going on. He confesses that Jess is looking for a safe place for her to live because she doesn't want Abby living with them. Jess and Cece go check out apartments. On the tenth one, Jess asks if the other tenants are men from the ages of 16 to 72. The manager tells them "most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself."Cece wonders where her life would have gone if she had lived in a place like this when she was 19. At the car museum, Nick has called Schmidt for reinforcements since crazy girls are kind of his "Hurt Locker." Schmidt thinks for a minute then goes over to Abby and asks her if she wants to go get a taco. Abby hops off the hood. Back at the gym, Coach gets tired of Winston jock blocking him and grabs his phone to check his score. Winston failed. Nick comes back to Schmidt's apartment and finds him hog tied on his kitchen island with Abby melting chocolate at the stove in a mini-robe. Schmidt explains they're having sex. Nick is sure Jess is going to be angry and say his name in the clipped way without the "k." He demonstrates the different pronunciations. Coach gets coffee with Winston to cheer him up. Winston thinks he choked. Coach suggests Winston try to get a job at the coffee shop then try the cop thing again later. Winston realizes how much he needs the coffee shop job and gets in his own head. Back at the loft, Nick tries to avoid telling Jess what's going on with Abby. When he suggests Schmidt could keep Abby busy, Jess says Abby would wreck him. Jess wants to have dinner, get Abby buzzed and then mention the apartment casually.Nick stumbles, Jess offers to write him some lines. At the coffee shop, Winston interviews with the manager. When he's asked his three weakest qualities, Winston chokes and starts talking. "I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, and I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, don't think that women should be allowed to handle money," he says. The manager flips the application over and points out Winston didn't fill out the back. Winston suddenly wonders if the cop exam had a back. "I didn't choke, I'm just careless!" he says, resolving to go to the station to check. At dinner, Jess continues prompting Nick for his lines. Schmidt joins them because Abby invited him. With Jess not looking, Abby starts playing with Schmidt under the table. Jess finally realizes something is off and Nick confesses everything, including that Abby is giving Schmidt a "special." Nick blames the sisters for forcing him into a day of lying by not being honest with each other. Abby accuses Jess of trying to change her and Jess says Abby doesn't think or care about other people and she does, which is why Abby can't live there. Abby announces she's moving out and moving in with Schmidt. She sells him on the idea by saying they'd have sex all the time.As he's leaving, Schmidt asks Jess for her glasses so they can role play as Nick and Jess. At the police station, Winston is informed he took the test on a computer -- it has no back. Winston calls himself a failure and gets up to wallow. Coach follows and starts telling Winston he failed hard. "This is like the Winston of pep talks," Winston says. Coach continues, telling Winston there's nothing to be afraid of -- he's already hit rock bottom and there's nowhere else to fail. Winston asks to retake the test and is told there's another at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow. Back in Nick's room, Jess thanks him for messing everything up and being a terrible liar. She feels better after saying those things to Abby.Jess tries for a round of Sky Knife, but it ricochets back down and limbs are almost lost. In the elevator in the morning, Abby asks Winston if he's thought about what he'd do if he gets paired with a dirty cop. When he says he'd go to Internal Affairs, Abby continues to mess with him, saying they'd put him in panties and bury him next to a prostitute. "But good luck!" she says.
04 Mar 2014Description ▼
Schmidt has everyone over to his loft for the one week anniversary of Abby becoming his "live in lover." Abby sits on his lap and licks syrup off his face. Cece can only roll her eyes.Coach notes the massive amount of food Winston is eating. Winston says he's trying to bulk up for the LAPD physical fitness exam.Schmidt is wearing a kind of bolo tie made with a split soda can that has drawn blood. He's lending Abby money and she's making jewelry. Now that Abby doesn't need the other room, Nick and Jess can go back to their own rooms. Abby brags that she and Schmidt have no boundaries as she sucks on his face. Back in their apartment, Jess is annoyed at the "fake couple" and wants to prove that she and Nick are a real couple. She suggests they take the "official" step of moving into the same room together."We have so much left to learn about each other, stuff you can only learn if you're crammed together in a small space and can't get out. Just you and me, four walls, no boundaries, no escape," she says. "When you put it like that, it sounds amazing. And like prison," Nick says. She asks if he wants to and he doesn't manage a yes or no, saying he can't think of why not to. She celebrates. Later, at the bar, Nick lists all the reasons it's a bad idea. He's worried about changing in front of Jess, which is a different kind of naked than sex naked. "Expose your cracks and love will fill them," Schmidt advises. Schmidt is wearing a choker necklace of paper clips and a pen cap and proudly boasts that he and Abby have one sponge and they use it for everything. Nick notes Schmidts choker. "Looking at that thing, the sex must be awesome," he says. In the loft, Winston climbs a rope while Coach explains that he and Cece are such good friends he feels like one of her girlfriends. When Cece comes for a weird favor he temporarily turns into a woman. Cece and Coach snoop through Schmidt's apartment looking for dirt on Abby. Cece thinks she's taking advantage of Schmidt. When Schmidt arrives, Cece tells him that she's known Abby 20 years and she's not to be trusted. Schmidt considers it, then announces he doesn't like Cece and Coach as friends. In their room, Nick tries to psych himself up for changing for bed. Jess notices him being odd and he says he's never changed in front of a woman. He puts on a "long shirt," which could easily be confused for a nightie. It keeps his top warm and lets his bottom breathe. Nick tries to get to sleep, but Jess' reading light bothers him. He flips around in bed, giving her a way too close look at his filthy feet.Jess tries to seek refuge in her room but finds Winston has turned it into a work out room. The next day, Jess reads in the elevator. Abby gets on and brags that living with Schmidt she's never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time. They rented a hotel last night but didn't make it out the door without tearing each other's clothes off."Oh, that's our thing, too," Jess says. Abby mentions the hotel is paid up through tomorrow and Jess and Nick should take it. Winston shares to Nick that he's worried about the rings on the police exam, because of "the incident." Flash to Winston hanging from rings on the playground as a kid and Nick pantsing him. Back in his room, Nick tells Winston that he hasn't had a moment alone since Jess moved in. The she races in with a suitcase and announces she's staying at a hotel tonight. Nick doesn't ask, she says it's for a field trip and when Winston starts to remind Nick about wanting a moment alone, Nick pantses him. Schmidt, Cece and Coach stake out Abby. Coach continues to act like Cece's best girlfriend and Schmidt explains that he find the dynamic between them very annoying.Schmidt tries to drive off, but Cece grabs the wheel. "Great, we hit a parked car in the same neighborhood where they shot fricking 'Children of Men.'" Meanwhile, at the hotel room by herself, Jess enjoys her alone time. She rolls on the bed, sings showtunes, drinks mini bottles of booze. In the sketchy neighborhood, Abby comes down from an apartment with a box and finds Cece, Coach and Schmidt in the street. Cece warns her she's see her use up too many men and she won't let her do it to Schmidt. They demand to see what's in the box. Zippers."The guy up there gave me a great deal. He also loves crack," Abby says. They turn to leave and find Cece's car is gone. At the beach, Winston hangs from a ring, trying to will himself to get going. A kid stares him down and psychs him out. He goes in the nearby hotel to tell them to police their beach and runs into Jess padding around in a plush robe. Over coffee, Coach is still in girlfriend gay man mode and tells Cece she's acting like a lunatic and needs to figure out what all this with Schmidt is really about. Back at the loft, Winston immediately spill to Nick about seeing Jess.At first he's annoyed, even though sharing a room was driving him crazy, too. Then he realizes he never gets to win these things. Cece apologizes to Schmidt for interfering with Abby. She tells him she didn't want Abby to take advantage of him because he knows he'll do anything for the people he cares about. Jess comes home from her "field trip" and Nick asks detailed questions. She nails every one until he can't take it and tells her he knows she's lying. She blames Winston, who shouts "Nick loves being alone, too!" from the other room. She tells him she was just trying to be a good couple, like Schmidt and Abby. Abby joins Jess in the bar. Jess confesses she spent the night alone in the hotel because Nick was driving her crazy. "He has the feet of a hippie cult leader," Jess says.Abby confesses she jumps from guy to guy because she hates to be alone, but Jess and Nick have the real thing. Back at the loft, Nick packs up Jess's things, including an 8 x 10 photo of him. They agree to make things work some day, just not now. Schmidt drops by to announce Abby left. She moved home to live with her mother and save up to be independent. Schmidt only realizes he'd seen it coming before he signed a three year lease for a storefront for her jewelry. It obliterated his bank account so he's moving back in, which he assumes won't be a problem since Jess and Nick are living together.They feign enthusiasm. "You have to start washing your feet," Jess says.
11 Mar 2014Description ▼
At Schmidt's fake store, a guy comes in, promptly falls down and announces he broke his arm and is suing Schmidt. At Jess' school, Coach admits he's enjoying his job. The biology teacher comes to Jess for help with his Internet. She's also mowing and painting graffiti in the hopes that her hard word will get her noticed by principal Foster in a few years and he'll consider her for vice principal.Coach suggests just asking for it now. He takes her to the volleyball court and tries to pump her up, and take control -- life lessons through spiking the volleyball. She winds up bouncing one off her face pretty good. Back at the loft, Winston is eating up Schmidt's legal drama. His favorite author is John Grisham, favorite show is "Judging Amy," favorite color is "courtroom brown." Nick suggests that'd be a good name and Winston starts responding to Courtroom Brown. Nick tells Schmidt he could be his lawyer since he passed the bar. He makes Schmidt say please and requests a symbolic $5 retainer. Jess goes to see Principal Foster. "I'm young, I'm energetic and I think it's about time you take advantage of me!" she announces. He feels awkward; he's exclusively into Asian women (it's a Kristi Yamaguchi thing). She clarifies that she wants to be vice principal and he immediately says yes -- he thought he was going to have to force someone into it. He gives her a stack of papers and tells her to get started. Outside his office, she announces the news to Coach, who attempts to dunk her with "Coachade." Nick goes over the lawsuit and tells Schmidt his deposition is tomorrow. Winston offers to pretend to be the plaintiff, but gets too into it and starts refusing to answer questions, confusing Nick. Schmidt fires him. At the bar, a cute young man introduces himself to Cece as "Buster." Her boss Mike interrupts, announcing he has an eye for young boys. He checks Buster's Wyoming ID, which doesn't match his Australian accent. He admits he's 20."Get out of here, you delicious bastard!" Mike says. Jess visits with Principal Foster about the budget, due Monday. Foster announces they have to fire the most recent hires, including Coach. Jess doesn't want to do it, but he says it's part of the job. Jess breaks the news to Coach. A bunch of his playful scamp students come in with a letterman's jacket they bought that says "Coach Coach.""Thanks guy, but I'm not Coach anymore, I'm just Coach," he says as he walks away fighting off tears. Back in the loft the next morning, Jess gets squinty eyes from Winston, who takes his breakfast into his room. Nick is upset he bought a briefcase for $19 and now he'll never get to use it since Schmidt fired him. "I spent all those years at law school with those preppy dicks and I never got to prove them wrong," he says. "Go after what you want, just make sure that what you want doesn't make you a cog on a larger flawed system," Jess says, thinking of her own situation. Somehow she ends up firing up Nick, who goes to put on his power suit. He shows up at Schmidt's deposition with "Winston Ferguson," the senior partner of his law firm. Winston opens with a lawyer joke, "whether I sit in my office or here, it's all billable." Nick asks the plaintiff his address then says he has no further questions. At the bar, Coach tells Jess he has no hard feelings. He makes Jess and himself cry describing the kids. Jess gets fired up and tells Coach he should be at the game. Back in the deposition, the stenographer reads back Nick and Schmidt's bickering and then Nick announcing he's going to stall for time by having the typer lady read things back to him. The plaintiff's lawyers offer $20,000 and Schmidt is prepared to take it. But Nick won't let him, telling him he has a plan and asking Schmidt to believe in him. But he won't tell Schmidt the plan because he'll get too mad. At coach's volleyball game, his team is getting their butts kicked, as he expected. He leads them all in cheering and fires them up. Jess tells Principal Foster they can make up the money other ways, she doesn't want to let their best people go. She suggests renting out the multi-purpose room to clubs, but he asks where the orchestra would practice. Another teacher suggests the library. Coach's team unexpectedly scores and they celebrate. Jess goes to give him the good news and gets taken out by an errant volleyball. Back in the deposition, Nick slips Schmidt the screws from his chair and then sits down, tumbling over backwards. He shouts negligence, leading the other lawyers to wonder if it's his first case. Nick says it is, and that's why he's going to file petition after petition and drown them in paperwork. He suggests they pay their client the $20,000 themselves. "What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare," Nick says. Winston, Schmidt and Nick get up and leave. Winston leaves his card for the opposing attorney, telling him to give him a ring if he ever wants to play with the big boys.It's a baseball card. At the bar later, the guys celebrate with shots. Cece sees hot young Buster come in. He tells her she's beautiful and he's going to try a bit of self-promotion. He just opened his own business building boats with his bare hands, old ladies think he's sensitive and he's a great cook, although he can only make three meals and two of them are the same thing. Cece suggests coffee. The guys cheer Buster's success. Nick comes home, fired up from his win and finds Jess out cold in bed, surrounded by budget stuff with a reading light clipped to her cap. "Wow, we're a couple," Nick says as she sleeps through his offer of sex. He tidies up the bed and joins her.
Jess and Nick face some truths about their relationship, while Schmidt, Winston and Coach scramble to make a better second impression on their hot new neighbors. Also, Cece panics after she drunk-texts Buster.
15 Apr 2014Description ▼
The morning after their break-up, Jess and Nick scramble to keep it a secret from the loftmates. Meanwhile, Winston passes his police academy entrance exam, and demands that the gang throw him a "Honey Roast". |
29 Apr 2014Description ▼
Jess fears someone is trying to sabotage her first middle school dance and she enlists the gang to help her chaperone on the big night. |
06 May 2014
1The Last Wedding
16 Sep 2014Description ▼
Jess and Co. attend the last wedding of the summer season and make a bet to see which of them can get lucky. |
23 Sep 2014Description ▼
Schmidt tutors Jess in the not-so-fine-art of dating via mobile apps. Meanwhile, Winston is desperate to make a good impression on his fellow police cadets, which backfires when Nick, Coach and Cece show up at a party thrown by fellow officers.
3Julie Berkman's Older Sister
30 Sep 2014Description ▼
Jess's dad visits with his new fiancée, who went to high school with Jess. A suspicious Jess attempts to ruin their relationship. Meanwhile, Schmidt is trying to land a sponge ad campaign and enlists the guys' help to disastrous results. |
07 Oct 2014Description ▼
Nick hatches a bet with Jess that she's just as superficial as the rest of the guys when it comes to dating. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece team up to trick Schmidt and Coach into thinking they're going to be models. |
14 Oct 2014Description ▼
When Coach's liaison with the school nurse gets messy, vice principal Jess must enforce a new, "no fraternization" policy among the teachers. But the tables soon get turned when she finds herself attracted to the hot new science teacher. Meanwhile, Nick is enjoying being Schmidt and Winston's secretary, after the loft gets a new home phone.
04 Nov 2014Description ▼
Jess admits she might be in possession of certain illegal substances, which complicates Winston's plans as the loft must pass a home visit and a background check as a part of his police academy training. |
11 Nov 2014Description ▼
Nick pretends to be gay so that Jess's new boyfriend will feel less threatened. Coach is annoyed at...
18 Nov 2014Description ▼
Jess, Coach and Ryan attend a teacher's conference, led by education guru Brenda Brown. Back at the loft, Nick, Schmidt and Winston try to have a wild weekend while Jess is out of town. |
25 Nov 2014Description ▼
With winter coming and everyone still single, Schmidt initiates a "Bangs-giving"-themed Thanksgiving dinner party, to which everyone must bring someone compatible for someone else. |
02 Dec 2014Description ▼
Schmidt quickly regrets trying to understand the politics of a girl fight when one breaks out between Jess and Cece. Meanwhile, Nick goes on a date with Tran's granddaughter, whom Winston believes is hiding a secret. |
09 Dec 2014Description ▼
As the gang prepares to depart for the holidays, they quickly find they may be home alone when they are all trapped at the airport. |
06 Jan 2015Description ▼
Nick and Coach become concerned when they meet Winston's new training officer; Jess uses Schmidt in hope of influencing a councilwoman to stop the night construction taking place outside the loft. |
13 Jan 2015Description ▼
Jessica reveals her relationship to the other teachers, which upsets them. They think her field trip choice has been unduly influenced by her relationship.
03 Feb 2015Description ▼
Jess helps Schmidt and Nick pitch their new business venture to entrepreneur Lori Greiner. Meanwhile, Winston and Coach decide they will invest in Cece's future. |
10 Feb 2015Description ▼
The gang go out on a bar crawl for Valentines to help nick with his breakup. Winston is the only one who is truly supportive and CeCe tries to out drink Nick. Ryan asks Jess an important question to which she pretends not to hear then finally accepts. Coach meets a woman several times before deciding to go after her. Ryan is offered a job back in England and Jess decides to make it work. The gang finish the bar crawl.
17 Feb 2015Description ▼
Jess takes a bumpy stroll down memory lane when she and the gang travel to her childhood home in Portland, Oregon, for her father's wedding. |
24 Feb 2015
18Walk of Shame
03 Mar 2015Description ▼
Jess and Cece have a walk of shame after a crazy night out. |
19The Right Thing
10 Mar 2015Description ▼
Jess crashes a funeral, hoping to delete a "sext" she recently sent to the deceased. Then, Schmidt's mom, Louise arrives in town for a visit, and Winston is desperate to be off-duty friends with his police partner, Aly. |
07 Apr 2015Description ▼
Fawn takes Jess to a charity golf tournament, but the Vice Principal lands in the sand trap in her attempts to make a good impression. Meanwhile, Winston meets a beautiful woman and must lie about being a cop. |
28 Apr 2015Description ▼
Schmidt takes the fall to help Fawn out of a political scandal. Meanwhile, Jess declares herself a "love doctor" and Coach faces a life-changing decision with May. |
05 May 2015Description ▼
Coach debates with his friends on what he should take to New York. Jess and Nick argue over a mug from their relationship. |
1Big Mama P
05 Jan 2016Description ▼
When Cece and Schmidt ask Jess and Nick to be their Maid of Honor and Best Man, respectively, their first task is to plan the engagement party. But when Jess invites Cece's mom to join in the celebration, Cece is forced to make a surprising announcement to Schmidt.
2What About Fred
12 Jan 2016Description ▼
Jess jumps back into the dating pool, but her attempt lands her a dud (guest star Taran Killam), and things get complicated when she falls in love with his perfect parents (guest stars Henry Winkler and Julie Haggerty). Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt have very different ideas about how to run the bar.
19 Jan 2016Description ▼
Jess eagerly reports to jury duty, until she discovers she may be up for a work promotion. Meanwhile, Nick reaches his limit with Cece's messiness in the loft.
26 Jan 2016Description ▼
With Jess sequestered at jury duty, Nick turns the loft into an air b-n-b in order to help pay for Schmidt's upcoming bachelor party. Meanwhile, Winston asks Cece for help when he suspects KC is cheating on him in the all-new. |
5Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt
02 Feb 2016Description ▼
Schmidt helps Nick ponder his future after Nick's cousin and his wife visit to ask for a very special handout. Meanwhile, Winston helps Cece shop for a wedding dress. |
09 Feb 2016Description ▼
A beautiful pharmaceutical rep enters the gang's life when she agrees to sublet Jess' room while she is on jury duty. |
16 Feb 2016Description ▼
When Nick's attraction to Reagan starts affecting Schmidt and Cece's relationship, they enact a plan to demystify her, in hopes of helping Nick get over her. Meanwhile, Winston teaches Reagan the art of the breakup. |
23 Feb 2016Description ▼
Reagan causes chaos between Nick and Winston when she tells them she'll sleep with just one of them...
01 Mar 2016Description ▼
Things heat up between Nick and Reagan over who can provide the loft with the best air conditioning unit. Meanwhile, Winston uses his "cop voice" to help Schmidt prep Cece for a newscaster audition. |
08 Mar 2016Description ▼
Jess returns from jury duty and attempts to uncover the real identity of a juror sequestered with her...
15 Mar 2016Description ▼
It's time for Cece to move into the loft. While Jess is helping her friend move out of her beloved apartment...
22 Mar 2016Description ▼
After Cece receives an exciting new job offer, Jess agrees to help Schmidt with the wedding preparations...
29 Mar 2016Description ▼
Jess applies for a job at a progressive new school, but things take a turn when she finds out the principal is dating her ex-boyfriend...
12 Apr 2016Description ▼
When Jess is served a restraining order by her former boyfriend, Sam, she sets out to clear her name with Winston's help. Nick and Schmidt plot against the owner of a trendy new bar that opened on their street. |
19 Apr 2016Description ▼
To turn the tables on a sexist car salesman, Jess invents a male alter ego, which backfires on her. Schmidt and Cece panic over Winston's date, his new prankster girlfriend, to their wedding. |
19 Apr 2016Description ▼
Despite being happy with Sam, Jess confesses to Cece that she had a sex dream about Nick. And Schmidt attempts to help Winston land Furguson a cat audition when he finds out Aly's star boyfriend is a talent agent for pets. |
26 Apr 2016Description ▼
After being emasculated in front of Cece, Schmidt insists on a manly bachelor party weekend in Vegas, but the road trip goes awry when the guys end up at a desert biker bar and he must put his newfound bravado to the test. |
18A Chill Day In
26 Apr 2016Description ▼
Cece and Jess try to have a "chill day" celebrating Cece's bachellorette party. |
03 May 2016Description ▼
Jess races to make alterations to Cece's bridal dress, while Schmidt tries to keep his "wedding workshop" a secret at work, and Nick struggles to ask Reagan to be his date to the nuptials. Meanwhile, Winston and Aly try to keep their relationship on the down-low at work.
20Return to Sender
03 May 2016Description ▼
Jess is introduced to Sam's female best friend; Nick worries that Gavin will leave Schmidt disappointed again; Winston isn't happy about someone's reaction to a birthday present. |
10 May 2016Description ▼
On the night before the wedding, Nick and Winston try to help Schmidt re-write his vows and Jess, thinking that Sam is going to propose to her, rallies the gang into playing True American to avoid giving him an answer. |
10 May 2016Description ▼
Schmidt makes a last ditch effort to convince Cece's mom to come to their wedding, but in doing so, he might miss the special day himself. |
20 Sep 2016Description ▼
Schmidt and Cece have a hard time looking for their new house. In the meantime, Jess attempts to get Nick out of her mind when he returns earlier than expected and Winston tries having a long-distance relationship with Aly. |
27 Sep 2016Description ▼
Jess and Cece attempt to recruit voters for the upcoming Presidential election to win a bet with Schmidt, while Nick learns the ways of modern phone sex from Winston. |
3Single and Sufficient
04 Oct 2016Description ▼
Jess and members of her singles-only group accompany Schmidt and Cece and Winston and Aly on a glamping trip, while Nick struggles with the next chapter of his novel set in New Orleans. |
11 Oct 2016Description ▼
On a trip to New York, Jess helps detective Jake Peralta with a case and meets Captain Ray Holt and Gina Linetti at his precinct, while Nick and Winston attempt to impress Charles Boyle and Cece faces off with her mother-in-law. |
18 Oct 2016Description ▼
While the gang helps Schmidt and Cece remodel their fixer-upper, Jess spearheads a vote to let Reagen eventually move back into the loft; Nick and Winston make a revealing discovery. |
15 Nov 2016Description ▼
When Jess announces she's ready to start dating again, Schmidt encourages her to give workout partner a chance. |
22 Nov 2016Description ▼
Jess and the gang are determined to have the best Thanksgiving ever, but everything falls through when Robby shows up unexpectedly and Schmidt's father arrives with a broken heart. |
29 Nov 2016Description ▼
Jess tries to impress the president of the Parents' Council to become the principal of her school. Meanwhile, Winston puts his undercover skills to the test and Nick tries to find the perfect wedding gift for Schmidt and Cece. |
06 Dec 2016Description ▼
Schmidt enlists Nick's help to earn his house contractor's respect. Jess and Robby test their ability of being in a casual relationship. Winston and Cece discuss the pros and cons of not being single. |
10Christmas Eve Eve
13 Dec 2016Description ▼
Jess plays Secret Santa for the loft. |
03 Jan 2017Description ▼
Nick tries to keep cool when Regan moves into the loft, while Cece and Winston challenge Schmidt's love of electronic dance music. |
10 Jan 2017Description ▼
Jess goes to the extremes to pay Robby's medical bills upon learning the total. |
17 Jan 2017Description ▼
Cecelia enlists Jess and Reagan to help recruit new models. |
24 Jan 2017Description ▼
While on a day hike, Jess and Robby discover something unexpected about their relationship. Also, Winston throws a surprise welcome home party for Aly. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Cece fail to impress their new neighbors. |
07 Feb 2017Description ▼
Jess helps Nick out when Reagan lands him a book signing. |
14 Feb 2017Description ▼
Jess tries to convince the gang that she's fine being single on Valentine's Day. |
21 Feb 2017Description ▼
Nick and Schmidt take Jess on a trip to Solvang when she gets nervous about her new job as principal. |
28 Feb 2017Description ▼
Jess recruits Nick and "The Pepperwood Chronicles" to help make her a cool principal. |
14 Mar 2017Description ▼
Jess thinks she's been spending too much time acting like Reagan; Schmidt and Cece try to make their new home more secure; Aly tells Winston an embarrassing secret. |
21 Mar 2017Description ▼
Jess avoids her feelings for Nick by taking care of her dad (guest star Rob Reiner) in Portland. While attending a work party with Reagan...
28 Mar 2017Description ▼
Jess and her dad help each other with their love lives; Nick turns to Aly for help with Reagan; Schmidt considers revealing his first name. |
22Five Stars for Beezus
04 Apr 2017Description ▼
Jess prepares to tell Nick how she really feels about him. In other events, Nick has a meeting with a book publisher, Aly helps Winston reconnect with someone important and big news comes along for Schmidt and Cece. |
1About Three Years Later
10 Apr 2018Description ▼
Nick and Jess return from their European romance tour. Cece and Schmidt have issues perfecting their daughter's birthday party. Winston struggles with picking the optimal glamour photo for him and Aly.
17 Apr 2018Description ▼
Winston and Schmidt help Nick write his new book. Jess and Cece go to lunch, and discus their new jobs. Winston watches three men and a lady.
24 Apr 2018Description ▼
Jess and Schmidt disagree on how to prepare Ruth for an interview at a prestigious preschool. Nick is procrastinating instead of working on his new book and Winston is nervous when he has to appear in front of a courtroom as part of his new job as a detective.
4Where the Road Goes
01 May 2018Description ▼
The gang gathers for a one-year memorial service for a beloved friend. Meanwhile, Jess discovers Coach owes Nick a large sum of money.
08 May 2018Description ▼
Jess tries to reunite Winston with his long lost dad; Schmidt goes back to work for the first time since Ruth's birth; Nick's plan to propose to Jess is thrown off course when they decide to get a dog; Winston sees color for the first time.
08 May 2018Description ▼
Jess tries to appease Winston's anxiety about his impending fatherhood by tracking down his long lost dad. Meanwhile, Schmidt goes back to work for the first time since Ruth's birth. Then, Nick's plan to propose to Jess is thrown off-course when they decide to get a dog, Winston sees color for the first time and Schmidt worries about Cece getting pregnant again.
7The Curse of the Pirate Bride
15 May 2018Description ▼
Jess makes some big decisions, in the first part of the special, one-hour series finale
15 May 2018Description ▼
The gang get ready to say goodbye to the loft, but Jess isn't happy with how everyone is coping with their emotions
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