Modern Family

1Pilot

Jay recently married Gloria. Now Jay is trying hard to keep up with his much younger and hotter Colombian wife, along with her passionate pre-teen son, Manny. Claire is having a hard time raising her own family. Her husband Phil is great, except that he thinks he's "down" with their three kids, much to all their embarrassment. And, Mitchell and his enthusiastic partner Cameron have just made a major life change by adopting a Vietnamese baby named Lily.

2The Bicycle Thief

Jay has problems trying to bond with Mannie, but takes advantage of Mannie's father not showing up in an effort to make peace with him, even though Gloria believes there's real peace in the household. Phil goes behind Claire's back and gets a bike for Luke, then really ends up lying about it when the bike gets stolen. Mitchell and Cameron begin daycare classes with Lilly.

3Come Fly with Me

After some nudging, Jay begrudgingly takes Phil out to fly his new model airplane -- that is until a maneuver goes awry. Meanwhile, when Gloria drops Manny off to play with Luke, she ends up volunteering to take Alex dress shopping, and Claire finds herself sitting down for an unexpected brother and sister heart-to-heart with Manny.

4The Incident

Claire and Mitchell's mother, Dede, drops in for a surprise visit and is determined to make amends with everyone she offended during what has been deemed "the incident" at Jay and Gloria's wedding. Needless to say, no one is thrilled to see her and everything comes to a head when the whole family shows up to dinner at Claire's house.

5Coal Digger

The whole family is invited to Jay and Gloria's for some barbecue and football. However an earlier incident at school between Manny and Luke makes things very awkward for Gloria and Claire, and then things escalate when a not-so-flattering label is uttered.

6Run for Your Wife

7En Garde

The whole family comes out to support Manny's newfound interest - fencing. It turns out he's quite masterful in the sport, but Jay's proud enthusiasm triggers an old childhood wound for Mitchell. Meanwhile Phil is determined to find where Luke's hidden talents lie.

8Great Expectations

With a history of giving bad gifts, Claire is determined to surprise Phil with an amazing anniversary present - a private performance by one of their favorite musicians, Izzy LaFontaine! However, it turns out to be a surprise in more ways than one. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron call up their party-girl bestie, Sal, for a long overdue night out on the town.

9Fizbo

10Undeck the Halls

11Up All Night

Gloria is less than pleased with Jay's reaction to the arrival of Javier, Manny's infamously unreliable dad. Meanwhile, Phil is suffering from kidney stones and his dramatics leave Claire no other choice but to call for the hot firemen to rush him to the hospital, and Mitchell and Cameron have a harder time than Lily as they attempt to sleep train her.

12Not in My House

When Claire finds a dirty picture on the computer and assumes it's Luke's doing, a guilty Phil doesn't necessarily correct her. Jay and Gloria disagree over his beloved life-sized dog butler statue, and Cameron gets sucked into their gardener's woes.

13Fifteen Percent

Mitchell plants the seed in Jay's head that he thinks one of Jay's old buddies, Shorty, might be secretly gay. Jay doesn't believe it for a second... except for all the questionable signs he now keeps noticing. Meanwhile Gloria gives Manny's date a makeover and Claire faces off with Phil's universal remote.

14Moon Landing

Claire feels slightly inadequate when her old friend, Valerie, visits and is nothing like Claire remembered. Meanwhile Jay has an unsettling locker room moment when he and Cameron go play racquetball, and Mitchell tries to help Gloria with some legal problems.

15My Funky Valentine

Phil and Claire break from their traditional Valentine's Day dinner date and plan a little "role play" excursion. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria's ideas of romance clash when he takes her to a comedy show, and Mitchell and Cameron play cupid for Manny.

16Fears

17Truth Be Told

18Starry Night

19Game Changer

It could not be more perfect that Phil's birthday and the release date of a hot new product coincide, and he wants nothing so much as to be one of the first people to get one; this is Claire's mission. Meanwhile, before coming to Phil's party, Mitchell is preoccupied with a new found desire to toughen up, Cameron gets himself involved in a neighbor's marital problems, and it's Jay against Gloria and Manny in chess.

20Benched

21Travels with Scout

It's time for a visit from Phil's dad, Frank Dunphy (Fred Willard)! Which was a surprise to Claire (Julie Bowen)...as was the dog he brought for them. At work, Phil (Ty Burrell) confesses that his dad got there a few days early and he meant to tell Claire about the dog. But there was only one "right time" to do it. And of course, every guy cashes in that "right time" for something else. Claire gives the classic argument of she'll end up taking care of the dog, even though everybody promises to do so. And she does have Luke's paper route to back her up on this. Of course, the kids love the dog, but they promise to take care of him. Well, Dylan does, but he doesn't count. Besides, he has to worry about his band breaking up because his drummer's parents are getting back together. Cameron (Eric Stonestreet), having gone over to the Dunphy's to get some dogginess, is suddenly interested in the gig Dylan's band is playing tomorrow night. Dylan is hesitant.CAMERON: Why, is it because I'm gay and you think I'll want to play show tunes?DYLAN: No, it's because you're old.CAMERON: Wow, that hurt more, Dylan.However, since Dylan doesn't want to lose the deposit on his fog machine, Cameron is in the band. He has a tryout with the band. He's timid and not very good at first. But he (jokingly) switches the drumsticks in his hands, and suddenly he's Charlie Rich. ("Dude, you should label those sticks.")While taking Manny (Rico Rodriguez) to the dentist, Jay (Ed O'Neill) runs into an old drama club pal of Mitchell's (Jesse Tyler Ferguson), who is still acting and didn't get a real job like Mitch did. He tells Jay about a movie he's in: Maple Street. Jay decides to take Manny to it instead of returning him to school, since his dad used to do the same for him. (movie...track...same thing) The problem is, Maple Street is a slasher fic, and Manny is sufficiently traumatized. Gloria (Sofía Vergara) is understandably upset, but Jay thinks he'll shake it off, just as soon as he gets the demon living in the broken doorbell. But Manny's tough. He arms himself with a sword and agrees to take the first watch. Unfortunately, even sleeping with his parents isn't helping, and he's having nightmares.Claire overhears Frank crying in the RV and asks Phil to talk to him. Phil doesn't think anything is wrong with his dad ("under his hard candy shell is more candy"), but Claire is suspicious that his wife didn't come with him on the trip. Phil tries to talk to him, but he can't make himself confront him about it. Besides, the dog got out of the cage and is into Claire's underwear...because he's cute and has a nice car...and Luke is somehow locked in the cage.Cameron practices with the band, and Mitchell is suprised that they're over at their house, and one of the band members is feeding Lily. Mitchell is not happy about this, especially since they have a apri ski fondue party the following night at a friend's house, but Cameron confesses he is getting stir crazy from being at home and taking care of Lily. Plus, the fondue friend makes him wear a sweater.Mitchell decides to man up and attend the gig with the rest of the group, including Phil, Claire, and Frank, who said he was going on the road in the morning and not going home. Cameron was great and Mitchell was proud to watch him have his moment. Then the moment kept going...and going...and Mitchell could have gone to the apri ski fondue party, come back, and Cameron would still be having his moment. Cameron is hoping to make this permanent, but their original drummer returns. Cameron thinks it's awkward, and he's right. It's awkward for him. ("Good luck following that, Ringo.")Jay has an idea for helping Manny, which came from an old Brady Bunch episode. He invited Ben Dugan, Mitchell's old friend from the movie, to convince Manny that the movie was all pretend. He's even bringing his fake machete. Of course, the doorbell doesn't work, so he goes to the window with his fake machete and sees Manny. ("Are you Manny? I"m here for you!")As Frank is leaving, Phil demands to know what is going on with Frank, no jokes or BS. Frank still won't say anything, but Frank was apparently sad that he was giving up Scout, the dog. The family decides to let Frank keep the dog.CLAIRE: He took my dog!

22Airport 2010

Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) walk through LAX, and Jay is complimenting Gloria left and right and thanking her for the wonderful birthday present: a week in Hawaii in a great resort in Maui, first class plane tickets, the works. Just the two of them, because Jay has Manny (Rico Rodriguez) tied in the back with a big bowl of kibble. Gloria spared no expense; it cost her (Jay) a fortune. Which got even more expensive when she sprung the surprise that the whole family was going with them, and she (Jay) paid for them, too! First class?GLORIA: No, silly. Coach. You think I'm made of money?As Gloria is excited (and Jay is dreading) the daily hikes up the volcano, everybody starts arriving at the airport. Haley (Sarah Hyland) and Alex (Ariel Winter) scope out cute guys...most of whom are out of Haley's league since they're reading books. Luke (Nolan Gould) hopes that the plane crashes on an island like in Lost, which freaks out Claire (Julie Bowen), who is already terrified of flights. ("At the end of the day, it's still a building on its side being thrown from one place to another.") Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) make it to the airport, and Mitchell discovers he forgot his wallet. This was Cameron's fault, because he organized a playdate right before they left for the airport.CAMERON: This is a coup. When you get in with Jasper, doors open. He's a legacy at Happy Time Pre-School.MITCHELL: We're kissing up to a 10-month-old?Phil (Ty Burrell) thinks they can get there and back again, so the two take off. Meanwhile, Cam tries to keep Lily awake because he appreciates that crying babies and planes do not mix. As does Mitchell, who had to contend with Cameron not getting to see Billy Elliott in New York.Claire is upset because Phil is not there to calm her and calls him to say so. Of course, Phil is dealing with the other high-strung Pritchett child right now, but at least they remembered to turn on the security system at the house. Too bad Dylan is hiding in the house, since he slept over last night, much to Haley's surprise. He is saddened that he wouldn't see Haley for a week. Haley shoos him out because she doesn't want Claire to see him and think they had sex. ("As if.")Phil and Mitchell make it back to his house, and since this is a sitcom, Mitchell doesn't have his keys. Fortunately, Phil is a real estate agent and knows all the tricks.PHIL: Every real estate agent is just a ninja with a blazer. The average burglar breaks in, they leave clues everywhere. But not me. I'm completely clueless.As Dylan texts Haley that he's trapped ("drama queen!"), Manny and Gloria discuss seeing the rain forests, whale watching, and all of the things they want to do (and Jay doesn't) in Hawaii...while Manny gets a shoeshine. But at least Jay still has his 8 Robert Ludlum novels on his book-reader thing. Until Luke sits on it and crushes it. Jay goes to drown his sorrows while the TSA takes Gloria and Manny away because Manny's name is on the terror watch list.Mitchell and Phil discuss/argue while running back after the alarm goes off at Phil's house about Cameron not helping him that morning, even though he didn't ask him, while Cameron and Claire discuss/argue that he should have been on the same wavelength with Mitchell. Claire joins Jay at the bar, and we find out that Claire is nervous because she feels she has more to lose now. Jay admits to not being psyched about the vacation because he just wanted to relax and not have all the luaus, hiking, and the talent show the family was putting on for him. (On that last one, I gotta take his side.) He was afraid that Gloria didn't want to spend time with him. Claire thinks that's ridiculous but adorable. And she wants to keep drinking to calm her nerves.After Manny assures the TSA he did not attend an electronics show in Osaka, Japan when he was four, Jay comes to collect them. The TSA wanted to know why they were traveling together, but Manny's return ticket was for a different date. It turns out that everybody else is going for six days, not seven, so Gloria and Jay can have a night alone.JAY: I could not love you any more than I do right now.GLORIA: (whispers) I also found a topless beach.JAY: I was wrong.

23Hawaii

The Pritchett family arrives at their hotel...although Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) wants to get a third take on Lily exiting the van, which Jay (Ed O'Neill) refuses. Phil (Ty Burrell) is determined to have a honeymoon with "the prettiest white lady on Maui," whom we know as Claire (Julie Bowen). It turns out their attempt at a honeymoon originally resulted in a pregnancy and a quick trip to the Justice of the Peace. ("My bad.") So Phil insists on carrying Claire over the threshold...from the lobby...very awkwardly.CLAIRE: I'm a mom traveling with my kids. This isn't a vacation; it's a business trip!Manny (Rico Rodriguez) and Luke (Nolan Gould) have their own room. Manny thinks they can meet up with a set of twin girls down by the kids' club by sending them a few virgin mai-tais, but Luke would prefer putting on a shower cap and pretend he's a bathroom martian from the Toilet Nebula.While Jay orders a cheeseburger with fries instead of salad and chili fries instead of fruit, Claire warns Phil to stop watching Gloria (Sofía Vergara) in her swimsuit off her sunglasses and Haley (Sarah Hyland) to get off the phone. Phil solves one of those problems by throwing Haley's phone into the pool. (And that shout you heard was parents across America applauding him. The other shout was the male population drooling over Sofia Vergara.) He wants to have a couples' massage because he saw some people relaxing with one...until they saw him. He is hell-bent on having a honeymoon.PHIL: In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female...bear, giraffe, what have you...the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.Jay has decided he didn't want to lay around anymore, not even with Gloria on his lap. He woke up early, went to the gym, and he wants to go on an outrigger. Gloria can't understand why, but the fact that Jay's brother called to remind him their dad died when he was 63, like Jay was now, might have had something to do with it. Clearly, Jay never heard the wisdom of Groucho Marx who said you're only as old as the woman you feel. Which must make him a zygote. Now it's Gloria who doesn't want to move an inch.GLORIA: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I would get to relax. But with the swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.Luke is complaining about Manny's obsession with folding clothes and his practice fire drills. But Phil wants to dump the kids on an unsuspecting Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson), Cameron, and Lily, who are going to the Lavender Ranch, where the grow 45 different varieties of lavender. ("Yeah, I can't sell that.") Cameron reluctantly agrees with Phil, even though he told Mitchell he likes going on adventures. Mitchell goes off alone after one last failed attempt to sell Cameron on the lavender ("It's the Lavender Ranch! It's something two men are supposed to do together!"), and Phil and Claire run like hell to an adults-only pool.Claire finally relaxes in her swimsuit (and I'm still ticked at Eric Stonestreet for boasting on Twitter how hot Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen are), but Haley is going to get some ice from a hotel across the street. She's instantly worried, but Phil insists that turning a vacation into a honeymoon takes commitment. She relents, because this won't end badly. Mitchell returns and wants to yell at Cameron for ditching him to relax. He continues yelling while someone brings Mitchell a drink, reclines his chaise, and gives him a foot massage. The argument pretty much falls apart after that. It felt weird, but good weird. Just like that one nozzle Phil found in the Infinity Pool. Cameron is proud of Mitchell for finally relaxing. In fact, they're so relaxed, they leave Lily in the elevator.The Manny/Luke relationship takes a bit of a dip when Manny throws him out of the hotel room for making the room a mess and ruining his linen coat. A fact he shared with the crowd (what there was of it) at dinner.MANNY: I know what all of you are thinking. Yes, my coat is wrinkled. I would have ironed it, but someone here thought it would be good to use the iron to make grilled cheese!LUKE: I had bread. I had cheese. I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?Phil goes to look for Jay, whom Gloria thinks is currently dragging a tugboat with his teeth. And Claire's honeymoon is officially over: Haley is throwing up in the bathroom from being drunk. Claire goes ballistic at Phil, even missing Lily in the elevator and insists Phil get his act together and help her watch the kids...right after he finds Jay like he promised Gloria, who DOES find Lily. Claire finds Haley in the bathroom, but the sorry shape Haley is in stops her from going nuclear on her. Haley apologizes profusely for having the drinks, and Claire can sympathize.CLAIRE: One minute, you're having wine coolers at the football game, the next, the game "Truth or Claire" sweeps your high school.HALEY: I don't think I'll ever feel better. Does this happen every time you drink?CLAIRE: Yes, yes it does.Phil finds Jay in a hammock, who threw his back out. Naturally, Phil is going to pull Jay straight out of the hammock, but it only results in the two cohabitating in the hammock...as couples go by. Fortunately for Jay, that's Phil's wallet he's feeling. Gloria returns Lily to Mitchell and Cameron, and Phil returns Jay to her. She admits he was wearing her out, and he confesses he was worried about being the same age as his father when he died. But his father would have loved her, as he was quite the charmer.PHIL: The remaining days went much better. For Haley, her room stopped spinning. Jay got back to the vacation he always wanted (complete with cheeseburger). And Mitchell and Cameron managed to do some sightseeing at a working banana plantation...where they promptly lost Lily again. Me and Claire...we had a good time, but we really never did get that honeymoon.Claire tries to convince him that the thrill wasn't gone from their marriage, but he figured it out. They never had a honeymoon because they never had a wedding. Therefore, the sketch show they prepared for Jay was set aside so Phil and Claire could have an actual wedding, complete with Jay walking his daughter down the aisle, Cam filming, and a Hawaiian priest reaffirming their vows. Although Phil should never give a quick answer to the "if anything ever happened to me, I'd want you to find someone else" trap statement.

24Family Portrait

Claire painstakingly plans for a new family portrait to be taken, but it seems like everything and everybody is working against her. Gloria and Manny go with Phil and Alex to a Lakers game and end up having a very awkward moment on the jumbotron; Luke interviews Jay for a school project, and Cameron gets a gig as a wedding singer while Mitchell is home alone with Lily and a wayward pigeon.

1The Old Wagon

Claire finally gets Phil to agree to sell their old station wagon, but not before everyone has to take it on one last ride down memory lane. Meanwhile, when a haphazard hammer-wielding Mitchell decides to build a life-size princess castle for Lily, Cameron calls Jay in for reinforcement, and Manny invites a cute girl over for a study date -- which makes Gloria a little uncomfortable.

2The Kiss

In honor of her late grandmother, Gloria decides to cook more traditional Colombian meals, which is met with some ribbing from Jay -- but see who gets the last laugh. Meanwhile Claire finds herself becoming the overbearing mom when she finds out Alex likes a boy, and Haley's idea of sisterly advice is not helping matters; and Mitchell and Cameron have a tiff over Mitchell's freakish aversion to PDA.

3Earthquake

When an earthquake hits the area, Claire gets locked in the bathroom with a plumber, Cameron and Mitchell use it as an excuse to get out of brunch with an obnoxious friend, and Manny reevaluates the meaning of life while on a trip with Jay.

4Strangers on a Treadmill

Claire and Mitchell enlist each other's help in trying to spare their significant others from embarrassment - Cameron from his unfortunate wardrobe choices, and Phil from his joke-ridden speech for the realtors' banquet. Meanwhile Jay tries to prove a point to Gloria by attending a quincea-era thrown by one of his employees, and Haley gives Alex sisterly advice on how to be cool.

5Unplugged

Everybody has problems right now. Gloria (Sofía Vergara) can't stand the constant barking of the neighbor's dog, Claire (Julie Bowen) can't stand that the family is more into their electronic devices than being with each other...even Phil (Ty Burrell)..., and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) got faked out by the moms whose kids play with Lily and didn't enroll Lily in pre-school soon enough. (MITCHELL: "Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.") Gloria confronts the neighbor, except his ex-wife owns the dog, and he wants them to stop their parakeet. The one that goes Jay! Jay! Jay! (Apparently, Gloria's voice even sets off car alarms.) Claire unplugs everybody in the house for a week, and Phil makes the mistake of offering a reward to the person who can last the longest, since he thinks he can live without his iPad longer than Alex (Ariel Winter), Haley (Sarah Hyland), or Luke (Nolan Gould) will.Mitchell and Cameron head to the Wagon Wheel pre-school, where Claire's kids went. The guys are definitely uptight, but one of the teachers tells them being a gay couple adopting a minority baby is a triple-threat, and schools will bend over backwards to get them into the fold so they can brag about diversity. Suddenly Cameron is VERY relaxed. Jay (Ed O'Neill), not so much. The neighbor accuses them of taking the dog, which Gloria promptly denies. But Jay knows better.JAY: Gloria's grandfathers and uncles were butchers, so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to...killing. One time we had this rat...(which Gloria killed and beheaded without a second thought)...she left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.Jay talks to Manny (Rico Rodriguez) privately about it, but Manny is too scared to want to know what Gloria did to the dog. Jay continues his investigation. The rat-killing shovel is clean, but Gloria catches them and is upset by their accusations. Gloria tells Jay the dog is in a better place. That she took it to live on a farm in the country. THEN she shows that she really did all of that, because she had a cousin with three kids who love the dog. Jay apologizes with a trip to Colombia, as he wants to see her old neighborhood. But she had a couple of car accidents down there, so she doesn't want to go back.Things are going OK with the unplugged rule at the Dunphys. Luke even built a condo project out of cans and plastic bottles. That had no fire escapes and substandard electrical, which he destroyed. ("At least he's using his imagination.") However, a parasailing donkey video on YouTube and a B on a science paper make Luke and Alex quit the contest. Claire was actually out next, as she realized changing reservations for a trip to see Phil's family requires the Internet, and shouting "representative" into an automated system sucks. (We've all been there, right?) Phil thinks he can last, until one of the players on his fantasy team is injured. Fortunately, Haley is texting someone on her phone, so Phil wins the contest. Only Haley made a phone out of a bar of soap and a marker to fake them out. Haley just got herself a car. ("Holy crap, we've been Shawshanked.")Cam and Mitch get Lily into Wagon Wheel, but Mitchell is feeling lucky after he gets the interview as the ultra-posh Billingsley School. He thinks it's like Cam and he got picked first in gym class for once. (CAMERON: "I always got picked first in gym class. I could put a dodgeball through plywood.") They think they have the winning poker hand as a gay couple with an adopted Vietnamese baby. Until another couple stopped in.CAMERON: Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker?MITCHELL: I did not see that coming.Even Cameron pretending to be a Native American didn't help. Actually, it made things worse.

6Halloween

Claire loves Halloween and is gearing up to spookify the Dunphy house for the trick or treaters. She gives each family member a role to play, but none of it goes quite right... Cameron can't shake a traumatic childhood experience and hates the holiday, Mitchell has had a terrible day at work, and Gloria is acting weird after Jay and Manny teased her about her accent.

7Chirp

Claire (Julie Bowen) is sick today. Not sick of Phil (Ty Burrell), mind you, despite his obsessive search for the smoke alarm that's chirping because it needs a battery. She is actually sick. But like your standard mom, she pretends not to be sick since she has too much to do, but Phil does offer to do her things for her. He'll make the ladyfingers for the bake sale and get her phone back from the gym, because of all the things she does for him, including "going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested." And since Dylan arrived and let slip he had a dream about Mrs. Dunphy, now she's even more ill. But she has company, as Haley (Sarah Hyland) also catches the same bad cold. Claire and Haley shack up in bed together to prevent the rest of the family from catching cold, and Claire remembers how Haley used to lie in bed with her watching soap operas when she got sick as a little girl. Only now Haley gets right on the phone with Dylan, who has to stop imagining a world without her.Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) find out a talent agent wants Lily in a commercial. One of them approves, the other doesn't. And if you don't know which one approved and which didn't, you wouldn't be reading this synopsis in the first place. On the good side, we finally find out where Jay (Ed O'Neill) works, since Gloria (Sofía Vergara) and Manny (Rico Rodriguez) went to visit him for lunch. Jay has to work late, which means he'll miss celebrating the first fight he and Gloria had over their first date. (She celebrates EVERYTHING.) But we do learn that there's a lot of shipping done at Jay's place, since Manny got to see a forklift in action. And drove it, too. Right through a wall. Manny is actually upset at Jay for firing the guy who let Manny on the forklift in the first place, even if the guy should have been fired long before that. But Manny won't take this lying down, as he has representation: Mitchell. Manny sort of forgot the conflict of interest in an attorney representing the other side in a wrongful termination suit against his own father, to say nothing of the fact that every OSHA rule was broken by letting Manny drive that forklift.Perhaps someone should have figured out if Phil was doing OK, as Claire seemed to be taking her soaps too seriously.CLAIRE: Sonja's drinking because she married a buffoon. And now she finally realizes she wasted her entire life! Can you imagine making a mistake like that?HALEY: (suspicious) Yeah, that must be horrible.CLAIRE: And now she's a bitter ghost of a woman, filled with resentment. But that's what happens when you commit to something before you see what else is out there!PHIL: (beeping smoke alarm) SERIOUSLY!?Of course, now Haley thinks Claire doesn't love (maybe never loved) Phil, and the ridiculously handsome guy who works out with Claire and returned her cell phone hurt Phil's ladyfingers and made things worse.Jay and Manny aren't speaking, and Jay could have used Manny's help to figure out where he was meeting Gloria. Manny has a price, of course, which Jay is not willing to meet.JAY: Get this through your head. You can give me the cold shoulder for the rest of your life if you want. But Jack's not coming back. I can overlook the goofing off, but you could have been seriously hurt today. Anybody who puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance. EVER.Manny is touched that Jay thinks of him as his kid, and he tells Jay the correct restaurant.Cameron is excited about the commercial, until Mitchell correctly points out that Lily is being used as a stereotype in a Godzilla-style commercial. Mitchell is furious, but after a few takes of hearing the hackneyed Japanese voiceovers (by two white people), Cameron agrees and is so upset the director doesn't even care she's Vietnamese, he snatches Lily away. After he puts the other kid back where he found him.Haley and Claire continue their argument about "Sonja," as Haley is still under the mistaken assumption it's a metaphor for her parents. Haley demands they talk about the truth, and Claire finally breaks down. She can't stand that he's a doofus. She can do better. Even the pizza delivery boy would be better. And Phil beating the hell out of the STILL-chirping smoke detectors with his old cheerleading baton really isn't helping.HALEY: Mom, like it or not, you made a commitment, and that may not mean anything to you anymore, but you owe it to this family to save your marriage and give it one more try! Look, Dad maybe a doofus, but he's ten times better than any pizza delivery boy!Claire finally figures it out, and she stops the slowly disintegrating Phil, who had been losing sales for the past month and taking it out on innocent smoke detectors. The old smoke detectors Phil replaced last year and Luke (Nolan Gould) put in the attic to make a robot.

8Manny Get Your Gun

It's Manny's birthday, and he is giving a speech to everyone thanking them for being there. Of course, nobody looks like they want to be there. Jay had to wait for the tardy Gloria, (although you'd be amazed how many of her foibles are forgiven when she runs around in a tight sweater) Mitchell is trying to buy a gift while Cameron meanders, and Phil has to fill out the application for Family Camp, as they MUST defend their Dirty Dancing title from the previous season. (Even though it's just a TV show, I really wish he didn't say that.) Claire is still a little upset about "Color Wars" from last summer's camp, but Phil just likes to rub it in, because "if you ain't white, then you ain't right." He even made up t-shirts, which the black cab driver who drove them home totally loved. Claire wants to take her route to the restaurant, Phil counters with his, and they decide to race each other there.
Jay decided to give Manny the best gift his own father ever gave him: a BB gun. And as Gloria continues to search for her keys (and the male audience drools at her), Manny questions getting a toy meant for someone six years older than him. But Jay never really thought Manny ever acted like a kid, which he appreciated. But Manny didn't appreciate that compliment. He wants to mix sodas to see what they taste like and make crank phone calls, but somehow his call to Seymour Butts manages to backfire on him. And that soda thing was actually kind of disgusting.
In Phil's car, he's cutting through temple parking lots, running red lights, blowing out tires, and Haley actually has to tell him to watch the road. Luke is getting the scarier ride, since Claire is suddenly up in arms about Luke wanting to go with Phil to the restaurant instead of her. But Haley and Alex would rather deal with that then spend another summer at Family Camp for a hoedown and another round of "white domination" by Phil. Haley and Alex get up the courage to tell Phil they didn't want to go to Family Camp, as he assures them they can talk about anything in the "Cone of Trust." (his car) They tell him, and Phil realizes the day has come where his kids have outgrown him. ("Dad, are you crying?") He was, and then the girls start crying. And when Luke reassures Claire that she is actually fun and he wanted to go with Dad because he thought he needed it more, Claire makes a visit to the waterworks. Claire is upset that she can't be the fun parent, but Luke thinks her way would have been the fastest to the restaurant. Claire decides to be the fun parent and floor it.
Mitchell is going crazy trying to find a gift, and Cam's making him crazier by spending eight minutes talking to the stationery store clerk and helping an old man communicate with his about-to-be-ex wife...loudly. And now Mitchell has to keep the old man alive while Cam runs to find his wife. They try to have the couple communicate via cell phone. One destroyed cell phone later, (Mitchell's phone, natch) Cameron is dragging the poor lady up the escalator. And back down again. And it wasn't even his wife. (Saw that coming a mile away, didn't you?)
Gloria is livid she can't find her keys. Probably because they were in Jay's coat pocket. He slips them into her purse and suggests she look through her purse again. She finds them and instantly accuses Jay of putting them there. But Jay has to deal with Manny floating on an inflatable beach raft in the pool, lamenting he was never a kid and never would be. He wants to cancel his birthday dinner, and Gloria explodes. She shoots the raft with the BB gun and threatens Jay with it to get both of them out of the house. And Jay falls for the old "I won't get mad if you tell me" trick when Gloria asks him if he put her keys in her purse.
Mitchell is beyond furious for Cameron wasting their time trying to help "the most adult adulterers they've ever seen." Suddenly, a flash mob broke out in the mall square dancing to "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue. Cameron wants to watch the choreographed dance, but Mitch decides he'd rather participate. Cam is shocked, but apparently Mitch set this up with a co-worker at his firm (who wasn't gay, as he found out) as a "love letter" to Cameron. (Awwww....) But it turns out Cameron didn't like Mitchell acting like a jerk all day and rushing around just to get to the flash mob.
CAMERON: You cheated on me with choreography, and that is the worst kind. YOU DANCED WITHOUT ME!
Everybody's distracted and almost cause a crash at the restaurant.
MANNY: When I saw all of you acting like children, I realized I had plenty of time to be a kid.

9Mother Tucker

Haley has herself a tutor for science class, David. Technically, Claire is paying him to tutor her daughter, but Haley has her own barter system that involves his lips and hers when she gets a question right. (or wrong, whatevs) Alex is naturally jealous, as even the smart guys will go with the dumb girls for a little play, but Claire insists Haley break up with Dylan if she likes this new guy. It's a very emotional moment, breaking up with someone. Especially to Phil, who must tell us about the "Water Polo Girls" story.PHIL: So I'm working in the principal's office. She walks in, water all silver from the chlorine. Tells me she wants her varsity jacket back. (No, I said that correctly.) Then I tear up a little. Then I tear up a lot. I'm begging, I'm begging. Then I realize I'm sitting on the button to the high school's intercom system. (really mad) Yuck it up, ladies. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now. It was traumatic, Haley! Don't do Dylan like Linda "The Cannon" Concannon did me.His idea: comfort Dylan after Haley dumps him. Claire wants the whole family to move on, but Haley has already texted the breakup, and Phil can't handle the sad-face emoticon as a result. He's going to eat some cookie dough with Dylan!Cameron can't wait for his mother, Barb, to show up, but Mitchell could. It's not that she doesn't accept their relationship; she just likes to touch Mitchell in places that are inappropriate for a straight guy and REALLY inappropriate for a gay guy. Mitchell does have boundary issues, as Claire demonstrates by getting really really close to him. ("Force field!") Cameron, being Cameron, thinks his mother is the greatest woman who ever lived. After all, she raised four kids, two barns, and a whole lot of hell!MITCHELL: That sounds like a country song.CAMERON: If it was, it'd be called My Mother is the Greatest Woman Who Ever LivedMITCHELL: Cameron REALLY loves his mother.Jay wants to stay home from the mall because he has a stomachache. Two extremes in the house, and he's in the middle. Manny immediately gets on a medical Website to diagnose every last symptom he has. And at the other end of the spectrum, Gloria is questioning his manhood, since she's from Colombia and likes to put her dislocated shoulder back like she's Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon. However, Jay's pain gets worse, so Manny looks it up for him. Gloria interrupts and shuts the computer down. Jay sneaks out and goes to the hospital.A very depressed Dylan comes by the house to collect a few of his things, and Phil finds the perfect opportunity to bond with him especially since he cries at any picture of Haley. Phil really wants to play Dylan a song about the breakup on Dylan's guitar...if Dylan will let him have it. Dylan does suggest helping Phil pick his own guitar, and Phil figures that's good therapy for Dylan. Phil even lets him exit through the front door instead of the window like he normally does with Haley. However, Haley overhears Dylan agreeing to go on a trip to Graceland, which she knows he thinks is simply an amusement park. Of course, the conversation Dylan was with Phil, but she's still ticked Dylan's moved on.Claire suggested to Mitchell he let Barb touch him in an inappropriate place in front of Cameron and make him deal with it. And honestly the onlyinappropriate place Barb can touch Mitchell other than his ass really can't be shown on TV. Yet Cameron is completely oblivious to it, even when Barb searches for a quarter for her lottery tickets...in Mitchell's pants. Naturally, Cameron does catch Mitchell baiting Barb into touching him inappropriately. (Sitcom 101 stuff, folks) Cameron's ticked, and Mitchell tries to explain himself. Cameron instantly (and not completely incorrectly) concludes it's really about Mitchell's own mother not showing him affection. Mitchell finally spells it out...just as Barb walks in on the conversation. She's devastated, Cameron's ticked, and Mitchell's feeling guilty. Barb thinks about Mitchell feeling uncomfortable and wants to apologize. Mitchell says it's his fault, and Barb wants to talk to him about it...while he's taking a bath. And loses her bracelet in the tub. ("Force field! Force field!")Haley is up in arms because Dylan found someone so fast. (Phil) Claire wants her to move on...to David. ("David's smart! David the Tutor! Do you want the house to yourself?") Dylan stops by, and Haley insists he stop playing dumb and tell her who his new girlfriend is. ("I swear! I'm never playing dumb!") But Dylan's "new skank" calls and Haley insists on talking to her. And Phil answers the phone in the girly sweater he loves to wear. Awkward! Dylan tells her he wants some time to be with himself. And Claire can't be happier. Phil does comfort Haley about the breakup, and he finally gets clued in about his girly sweater.Gloria finds Jay at the hospital and mocks him, but Jay was right to go: he had acute appendicitis and had to be operated on immediately. Suddenly, she's panicking. ("Why am I always trying to kill my husbands!?!") Jay isn't worried, but he wants to go into surgery. She refuses to let him go until he forgives her for being so cruel.JAY: Could you go back to not caring, please?

10Dance Dance Revelation

It's Luke & Manny's first school dance and everyone gets in on the "fun" -- Jay and Phil have to take the boys on a mall run which becomes quite stressful; and Claire revels in the school dance committee duties, but gets a little jealous when Gloria shows up to help. Meanwhile, Mitch and Cam are horrified to learn that Lily is biting other kids on the playground.

11Slow Down Your Neighbors

Claire becomes a determined neighborhood vigilante hoping to catch and stop a menacing car that speeds though their streets. Meanwhile, Phil is busy trying to land an important listing with a difficult client, Jay teaches Manny how to ride a bike -- only to learn Gloria needs lessons too -- and Mitchell and Cameron stumble upon a mysterious neighbor who is quite the charmer.

12Our Children, Ourselves

Claire and Phil want Alex to relax a little about her studies, but then they start questioning their own intellectual drives. Meanwhile, Gloria tries to befriend another nice couple, much to Jay's chagrin, and Mitch and Cam run into and old female flame of Mitchell's, only to make a disturbing discovery.

13Caught in the Act

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room. "My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on." He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire." Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time. "He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network." He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says. He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says. "Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer. He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."

14Bixby's Back

In an attempt to avoid turning into that old boring couple, Phil and Claire decide to revisit their Clive and Juliana role-playing rendezvous from last Valentine's Day. Meanwhile Jay has planned an elaborate surprise evening for Gloria, but his plans keep getting thwarted, and an admirer comes between Cameron and Mitchell on V-day, but they can't agree whom the admiration is directed towards.

15Princess Party

Claire (Julie Bowen) is at a full boil already, and Phil (Ty Burrell) is going to stop it before it starts. Her mother, DeDe, is coming to town, and Phil wants the kids on their best behavior. Alex (Ariel Winter) will just play the cello in her room, and Luke (Nolan Gould) has pages of cutesy material to roll out to help Claire. But Alex playing the theme to Jaws was so apropos, as DeDe (Shelley Long) comes in...with Claire's high school boyfriend, Robbie Sullivan (Matt Dillon). (Oh, we're just gettin' started with the awkward stuff.) Turns out DeDe invited Robbie to dinner at Claire's, and to Lily's Princess Birthday Party, and didn't tell Robbie that Claire was married. He actually has to meet Phil for the evidence. (And Phil's hand still smelled like cheese.)DE DE: Oh, Claire! Sometimes I forget you're all grown up! In my mind, you're still just twelve! But look at us: two old ladies!(FYI, that would be the nicest thing DeDe says to Claire the entire episode.)To back up a bit, Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) are throwing Lily a Princess-themed birthday party, and somehow Cameron thinks Fizbo would be perfect for it. Naturally Mitchell (and those with taste) disagree. Understandable, because one of their friends was going to be in Chicago, and Cameron thought that meant the musical.MITCHELL: It's a princess party theme, and clearly you don't respect party themes.CAMERON: You did NOT just say that.MITCHELL: (apologetic) You're right, that crossed a line. I'm sorry.Fizbo still wasn't invited, though. Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) bought a children's book for Lily (turning down Manny's suggestion of cashmere) where they could record their voices. After much effort, and Manny's (Rico Rodriguez) assistance with playing the baby bear, they got it. Although Manny thought he would have done a better job had he known the baby bear was a girl. (JAY: I think you nailed it.) But Gloria was hesitant about going to the party since DeDe was going to be there, and their last 2 meetings (including the wedding) were disasters. Gloria hoped Jay wasn't too upset.JAY: (in interview) GREATEST! NEWS! EVER!!!In fact, he even thought the same technique would work to get him out of the communion of their friend's daughter. Until Gloria decided she wasn't going to let DeDe dictate when and where she could visit her family, because she wanted to see the kids' birthdays and graduations.Claire consults with Mitchell about their mother bringing Robbie over for dinner.CLAIRE: Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.MITCHELL: It is totally amazing the freaks we used to date.FIZBO: 'Allo, Gov'nor!Mitchell shoots down the "court jester" angle Cameron thought up for Fizbo. ("There goes the theory that a British accent makes everybody sound smart.") Then he hits Cam/Fizbo with the fact he hired a princess for the party. (cue the gasp...) Cameron is going ballistic, but Mitch tells him to act like a parent for once.As DeDe regails Claire's kids with stories of Claire sneaking in at 3 in the morning with Robbie, which Haley (Sarah Hyland) loved, btw, Claire relied on Phil's technique of squeezing his hand under the table rather than getting ticked off at her mother. He might have broken a few fingers on this one. Ordinarily, Claire liked roller coasters, but not this one. Phil thought the night was about DeDe wishing Claire married Robbie instead of him. However, they catch catches DeDe making out with her limo driver, Robbie. At least Phil's off the hook.The party was a disaster. And within the first five seconds. Cameron eyed the priness like a stalker ("Glitter? That'll settle in her lungs."), DeDe was AWOL but left notes about her good time with Robbie, and Gloria decided to take in the party with some Xanax...washed down with a shot of tequila. DeDe showed up with Robbie and Cameron berated the princess for breaking character after he hounded her for methods of payment. Mitchell thinks it's about him for DeDe not staying over, Claire thought it was about her and her ex-boyfriend, and Jay thought it was about him and having a younger wife now. And the well-medicated Gloria wondered why everybody was having a bad time at a party. Well, since DeDe critcized Lily's wardrobe and Robbie put Mitchell in a headlock and gave him head noogies like he did when they were kids and Gloria was practically making out with DeDe, there might have been an issue or two.Claire confronts Robbie, who confesses he always had a crush on DeDe (while he was dating Claire!) and was fulfilling his fantasy. And Robbie misinterprets that as Claire still wanting him, which he tells DeDe...and she's ticked!CLAIRE: Why does everything have to be so hard with you? Why can't be you just be a normal old grandma? It's a sick game with you! You push people and push people to see how far you can push them! Well guess what? You win! I'm screaming at a Princess Party, Mom!!Phil tells Robbie to leave, but he refuses becaus he thinks the princess likes him. Then Jay intimidates him into going, and he does. And Gloria playfully hits Jay with a balloon. On the good side, Mitchell gives Cam the green light to break out Fizbo.MITCHELL: I guess every kid needs a little clown for a dad.CAMERON: Oh, you just made a little girl so happy!MITCHELL: Yes, I can see that.DeDe was almost crying in the corner because she gave in to the attentions of a younger man. Jay waves it off, but it went deeper than that. DeDe left to find something better and still hasn't done it. But Jay said he didn't have the guts to end the marriage when it needed to be.DE DE: I just don't want to be thought of as 'crazy Nana.' I think my real problem...IS HER!!!! (attacks Gloria)So it was about Jay. And once again, Phil's got Gloria. But Lily did like the book. The recording in the book, where Jay drinks and says Cam's going to return it anyway, not so much. (cue gasp)

16Regrets Only

Phil and Claire had a huge fight and Phil hasn't a clue as to what it was over, so Gloria steps in to counsel Phil and Jay takes Claire. Meanwhile, Jay may have some regret in buying Gloria a karaoke machine, and Cameron is in full prep mode for a huge fundraising event and enlists help from Mitchell and Luke -- which might not be the best choices.

17Two Monkeys and a Panda

While Claire runs herself ragged trying to play peacemaker with Haley and Alex, Phil sneaks off for a nice relaxing day at the spa. Meanwhile, Gloria is horrified by Jay's morbid plans to purchase two primo side-by-side crypts in preparation of the inevitable future, and Cameron decides he wants to write a book that celebrates the fact that Lily is adopted -- however, during the process he unearths artifacts that are quite disturbing.

18Boys' Night

Phil and Claire have some trepidation when they find out that Luke has befriended their crotchety old neighbor, Mr. Kleezak; Jay's attempt to avoid sitting through a symphony concert with Gloria and Manny lands him in the middle of Mitchell and Cameron's "boys' night out"; and Haley has her own adventures in babysitting with Lily.

19The Musical Man

Cameron is relishing his role as interim music director at Luke and Manny's school, and he's taking on the upcoming spring musical performance with a little too much zest and fervor. Meanwhile, Jay's brother, Tommy, is in town for a visit, and their relentless brotherly ribbing goes a little too far; and Phil convinces the family to be in his new realty ad, but when he goes as far as to wrap the family minivan in the ad, the results are unexpected.

20Someone to Watch Over Lily

Mitchell and Cameron are looking to assign legal guardians for Lily in case anything were to happen to them, and are secretly assessing their family members. But no one is blowing their socks off, as they witness Jay giving Manny a dose of tough love, Claire secretly taking Luke to a child psychologist to assess his development, and Haley and Alex getting into some delinquent activities at school.

21Mother's Day

Claire and Gloria want to spend a nice Mother's Day outdoors hiking with the kids, but their nonstop bickering and complaining drives Claire to the edge, and she brings Gloria down with her. Meanwhile, Phil and Jay stay home to cook everyone a nice dinner, but things get really awkward when Phil witnesses an unexpected moment of weakness from Jay, and Cameron gets very self-conscious about being seen as the "mother" in the relationship.

22Good Cop Bad Dog

Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) has a problem: Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) is down with the flu and they have tickets to see Lady GaGa tonight. ("It's the one gay stereotype I allow myself.") Unfortunately, Mitch tries a little psychology on Cameron to get his blessing to go to the concert while he stayed in bed. Guess how that worked out.Still, it could be worse. Mitch could be refereeing the fight Claire (Julie Bowen) is right now between her kids...and Phil (Ty Burrell) undermining her didn't help. Apparently, Luke (Nolan Gould) and Manny (Rico Rodriguez) barged into Alex (Ariel Winter) and Haley's (Sarah Hyland) room while they were changing, and Luke offered to even it up by letting them see him in his underwear. Claire goes ballistic when everybody starts yelling again, threatening no TV or Internet, while Phil tries to distance himself from her (and thus undermining her even worse). And now it's Phil who is in her crosshairs. Phil thinks the dynamic is good as is, allowing Claire to be the bad cop while Phil gets to be the loving dad. Naturally, that does not work for Claire, who demands Phil go yell at Claire and Haley for not cleaning their bathroom. But Phil wanted to take Luke go-karting for his report card...he didn't lose it. But Claire decided to take Manny and Luke go-karting, which freaks them out. And Phil ordering the girls to clean the bathroom is even more freaky. Phil, wanting to blame it all on Claire but can't, is really hating the role reversal already. Of course, Claire loved standing behind him and reminding the girls they still loved them. But Phil's strategy worked and he let the girls go. ("Note to Claire: if you want intense family drama, rent Spy Kids.") Of course, checking to see if the girls actually cleaned the bathoom first before letting them go would have been a good idea. They simply shoved all the junk into a cabinet. Phil goes off the deep end, even leaping on Haley's car to stop them.Jay (Ed O'Neill) meets someone at the kitchen table, Guillermo. Gloria (Sofía Vergara) brings people in once a month or so to help them out. ("She has a big heart. I really wish I could change that.") But Jay figured if she kept it under $100, it wouldn't ruin his golf game. However, Guillermo was looking for business advice. Actually, it was a sales pitch that wouldn't even get an informercial. It was for a dog training system, which was a multi-billion dollar industry...according to Guillermo. He might want to use it on his own dog, which was chewing up a pillow. The system had bland treats for when they acted up and good treats when they behaved themselves. Of course, Stella the dog preferred the bad doggie treats. Guillermo wants Jay to get in on the ground floor ("Actually, she's peeing on the ground floor.") Jay has to break the bad news to Guillermo. Jay tried to reassure Guillermo all he needed was a better idea, but neither Guillermo nor Gloria was having it. Gloria was ticked at Jay, even though she agreed the system was a bad idea.Mitchell calls Claire for advice. Emboldened by her stance with Phil, she suggests going to the concert (or at least give her the tickets), because you can't guilt someone into doing things for you (like Cam carrying him around when he was sick). She suggests taking care of Cam and faking a breakdown right before the concert. She's into spreading the love around...such as nailing Luke and Manny into the wall at the go-kart track. That was bad enough, but insisting the boys eat cheeseburgers (Manny really wanted a skinless chicken breast sandwich), onion rings, fries, and milkshakes might have been overdoing the fun aspects. Fortunately for Luke, that's what the empty cup is for. Meanwhile, Phil has turned into quite the taskmaster, even duct-taping their laptops shut and ordering them to clean his bathroom, too. ("And you know how gross I can be!") The hair Haley pulled out of the drain with a coat hanger grossed all of them out. As Luke was furious with Claire for making him eat all that food, and the girls hated taskmaster Phil, the experiment was over, and Claire was back to being the bad cop.Mitchell did everything Claire suggested: making soup, rubbing Cam's feet, everything. It was time for the 'I love you, but I'm going to the concert' line. Only Cam fell asleep, but Mitchell whispered the whole line and took off. However, Cam caught him and wasn't happy. Mitch agreed it was a cop-out to go when Cam is always good at taking care of him. And Mitch stayed right there with him...except for the couple of hours he spent at the concert and still had the neon necklace to prove it.Meanwhile, Gloria talked to Guillermo, who decided to go back to school and get his business degree. However, he had to get rid of the dog, which meant Gloria just HAD to keep it. Jay refused, but Manny got home and wanted to say goodbye to the dog...whom he just met. Jay takes him to the pound, but the puppy worked its magic on him and Manny has a new pet.GLORIA: Maybe we are the way we are because of the people we're with. Or maybe, we just pick the people we need. However it works, when you find that someone, you should never let them go.

23See You Next Fall

Everybody is gathered for Alex's (Ariel Winter) graduation from middle school. Yes, she is the valedictorian, although it took a robot attacking the kid who built it to make that happen. But Phil (Ty Burrell) and Claire (Julie Bowen) aren't there. Where are they?FOUR HOURS EARLIERIf you think the Dunphys would be over the top when it comes to videotaping their kids' major events, well duh, of course. Alex would rather work on her speech than get her nails done, to which Phil is sympathetic. (Spanish Club debates) However, he's trying to get Claire to freak out. The reason why is because Claire ALWAYS freaks out the next day at any of her kids' milestones and Phil is heading to Las Vegas with his old college cheerleading buddies. He can't cancel.PHIL: They will haunt you with a hurtful rhythmic taunt!Phil should look on the bright side, as Jay (Ed O'Neill) can't even get in his house. Neither Gloria (Sofía Vergara) nor Manny (Rico Rodriguez) get the concept of hitting 9 on the phone to open the gate and not to be on the phone at the same time. And Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) thinks Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) is a wuss for freaking out when Alex was born, having seen the actual delivery. And then he falls into Lily's kiddie pool, eliciting a laugh from Mitchell that Cameron DID NOT appreciate one bit. ("Really, Mitchell? I could have just died.")Claire might freak out without Phil's help, as Alex refuses to let her fix her hair and will ask Haley (Sarah Hyland) for a ride to the ceremony. But just to be safe, he plants himself right in the way and makes sure Claire is OK. Meanwhile, Jay finally gets inside, and Gloria notices his eye was droopy. Jay thinks his dermatologist probably had some numbing cream on there while checking for any moles. Naturally, Manny freaks and gets on WebMD...on his mobile phone.JAY: (interview) I got botox. Stupid doctor talked me into it, and now it's drifting. I haven't felt this dumb since I shelled out $30 for that bracelet that's supposed to give me better balance. (and yes, we get a fun demonstration of that)Haley, thankfully, is there to stop Alex's speech, where apparently she's going to thank her classmates for treating her like she was invisible. Although she admitted it was her fault, as she concentrated on grades instead of looks, popularity, and skinny jeans. Haley tells her to just use song lyrics. She warns Alex nobody will ever talk to her again, and Alex was fine with that.ALEX: Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike for what he believed in.HALEY: That's because nobody would ever eat with him in the cafeteria!Mitch and Cam make it to Jay's house, where he has to reassure everybody he's not having a stroke. Mitch asks everybody if they think it was funny Cam fell into Lily's kiddie pool. They sided with Cam...while Cam was there. When he went inside, they admitted not laughing because Cam was embarrassed enough for the day. However, Cameron crashing into Jay's patio door...and then the screen door...Claire and Jay can't hold it in. Cameron is offended and Jay takes off his sunglasses to apologize. Now everybody sees Jay's droopy eye and panic. Finally, Jay has had enough and pulls Gloria aside, telling her he had botox done. Given he was just laughing at Cameron, Gloria finds it embarrassing for Jay...and her, for some reason. Jay goes back out, and his eye is looking worse. Mitch thinks it looks like a bad botox job, and everybody figures out Jay's secret.CAMERON: What were you thinking? You're a veteran!PHIL: (aside) Do you think he got his butt done, too? It looks fantastic.As Haley and Alex make it to graduation, the rest of family gets stuck inside Jay's house because of his defective gate. Claire is starting to freak out, and Phil couldn't be happier. They try to force the gate open to no avail. However, Cameron needs a paperclip, some olive oil, and a ribbon. (JAY: What's the plan, MacGayver?) Cameron can fix the circuits with the paperclip and the olive oil...and the ribbon was for Lily's hair. But they don't go for that, nor for Mitch's idea of calling cabs (in suburban California?), and there's not enough time to build a rocket. However, Jay had bought a four-seater bicycle for Gloria and Manny that they never used. ("My boobs kept hitting my knees.") Phil throws Claire over the fence, and she gets injured. He tells Jay to throw him over, and Jay really isn't up for it.Haley confronts Alex again about her speech, telling her everybody has "stuff" to deal with in life. Hers is flunking out of biology. Haley's friends keep talking about going to college, and she isn't even sure if she'll get in. ("Is that enough stuff for you?!?")HALEY: You know what? Give your stupid little speech, be an outcast. But you're only doing it to yourself, because you're smart, pretty, and sort of funny in a way that I don't really get but other people seem to enjoy. You can either start fresh next year or be the freak who flipped off her class.ALEX: (stunned) You really think I'm pretty?HALEY: Shut up!Phil and Claire aren't having much luck with the bicycle, especially when the chain breaks. Cameron works on wiring the gate while Gloria confronts Jay about getting botox. He insists it isn't about her...and it isn't about another woman like she thinks.JAY: Most of the time I walk around, and in my head I'm 40. Then I look in the mirror and say "Who's that old man? And what's he doing in my bathroom?"GLORIA: It's my bathroom, too. And this is the face I fell in love with! Not this one (pointing to the botoxed side), this one (pointing to the other side).Fortunately, the gate opens...and not because Luke (Nolan Gould) opened it with his mind...and everybody can go. But Phil and Claire are stuck and it's still too far to run. And now Claire has her breakdown because Alex is going to high school. It was the same time when Haley went from being her angel to a "moody, texting, snotty little princess who hates me." Phil assures her they didn't lose Haley and won't lose Alex, but Claire wants to know if he remembers Haley hugging him in her Aladdin pajamas when he came home from work and asked Daddy to take her on a magical carpet ride. And now Phil was getting emotional.PHIL: (crying) I don't want to go to Vegas anymore. I just want to hug them and embarrass them in front of their friends.And with Alex being the middle child, she will NEVER forgive them for missing the speech. Phil is prompted into action and flags down a truck and gets a ride to the school. And Phil's Spanish is very helpful...if the Hispanic people in the truck felt like using it instead of English. But they make it JUST in the nick of time. They have to tumble down a hill to get to it (and Cam laughs at them), but Alex gives her speech.ALEX: I find it ironic that I'm up here representing my classmates when...they're so...awesome, they should be up here themselves. But I'm up here, and I'm saying stuff because everybody's got their...stuff...whether you're popular, or a drama geek, or a cheerleader, or a nerd like me. We all have our insecurities; we're all just trying to figure out who we are. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't...stop...believin'...and get this party started!Everybody cheers ("Seriously?") and the family wants to take her out for dinner, but Alex was invited to a party. She goes, but Haley could go for some dinner.PHIL: Oh, my God! She's back!!

24The One That Got Away

Jay wants nothing more than to have a quiet birthday out fishing on the lake, but the family take that as him wanting a big celebration, and in their frantic scramble to put everything together, Claire and Mitchell wind up trapped in the yard of their childhood home; Phil runs into his old college nemesis while at the mall with Gloria and Lily; Cameron gets himself into some hot water at the bakery, and the kids frantically do some creative editing on grandpa's birthday video, all of which leaves Jay with a headache.

1Dude Ranch

The family decides to don their cow boots and hats and head to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for some fun and adventure in the great outdoors. While vacationing on Lost Creek Ranch, they try their hands at a little cattle herding, skeet shooting and horseback riding; there are also some big firsts, a huge surprise and an actual face off between Jay and a foe - a cowboy named Hank.

2When Good Kids Go Bad

Mitch and Cam plan a nice evening with the whole family to break the happy news that they're looking to adopt another child. However their parade is rained on when they realize Lily may not take well to another baby in the house. Meanwhile, Claire and Jay are each consumed with proving a certain point.

3Phil on Wire

The growing bond between man, Jay, and dog, Stella, is grating on Gloria's nerves; Phil and Luke embark on a new adventure involving a tightrope, but it's Claire with the missteps, as she tries to teach the girls a life lesson; and Cameron chooses the most inopportune time to start a juice fast.

4Door to Door

Everyone sets their eyes on a goal: Jay is determined to help Manny sell wrapping paper for a school fundraiser; Claire petitions the city for a stop sign to be installed at a high-traffic intersection; Mitchell is hell bent on proving a point with Cameron, and neither one of them will back down; Phil and Luke will stop at nothing to create a viral video sensation; and Gloria is desperate to find Stella after losing him.

5Hit and Run

Jay is frustrated at work, Manny is stressed out about school work, Gloria would like to help but no one seems to want it. Phil and Claire run into Councilman Duane Bailey again, who is out campaigning for his second run, and he's just as irritating as they remembered -- so much so that Claire may give him a run for his money. Mitch and Cam get into a fender bender and the other car flees, which becomes the tipping point for all the men in the family who decides to take out their frustrations on the kid giving Haley problems.

6Go Bullfrogs!

It's father-daughter time, as Phil takes Haley on a college tour of his old alma mater, and Claire, having a rare night alone, forces Mitchell and Cameron to take her for a fun night out with the boys -- but ends up alone with one particular man candy who is anything but gay. Meanwhile, Gloria and Jay deal with a potential situation at home that may require having "the talk" with Manny.

7Treehouse

Hanging out with Shorty and his girlfriend, Darlene, makes Gloria envious of how much those two do as a couple, so she gives Jay an ultimatum to step it up for a night of salsa dancing or else. Meanwhile, Cameron take a bet a little too far when Mitchell and Crispin challenge him to get a hot girl's number at the bar, and Phil builds a tree house for Luke, but ends up being the one to make a new friend.

8After the Fire

After a neighbor's home burns down, the whole family rallies and organizes a community drive to help do some good - though it's not all good, as Jay throws out his back, Cameron does some posturing with a huge moving truck, Claire discovers that Mitchell and Gloria have been spending a lot of time together, and Luke and Manny get their hands on some of the donated toys.

9Punkin Chunkin

When an old neighborhood kid returns to town as a hugely successful internet billionaire, it gets Phil thinking of what could have been. Jay feels Manny could use a little dose of constructive criticism, and Cameron is offended when Mitchell questions the authenticity of his colorful childhood stories. It all comes to a head at Thanksgiving with the family divided between the "Dreamers" and the "Pritchetts" -- and nothing settles the score like a punkin chunkin challenge.

10Express Christmas

Ironic how a family like the Pritchett-Dunphy clan are not the greatest planners when it comes to Christmas. As everybody lays out at Jay's (Ed O'Neill) pool, they discover their mom, DeDe, cancelled her trip to see them. She put it in her newsletter, but nobody read that after the second page after she went on and on about the bird she saved (which died anyway). Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) are going to visit family in Missouri, much to the shock of Claire (Julie Bowen), who thought it weird they had to travel to Missouri to meet family. (CAMERON: Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri, the Oak Ridge Boys?) Jay, Gloria (Sofía Vergara), and Manny (Rico Rodriguez) were going to Mexico City on the 25th, where Luke (Nolan Gould) informed Manny kids get kidnapped all the time. Not to worry, though. According to Gloria, kids get kidnapped just as much in the States, so Manny had nothing to worry about. Since Claire, Phil, and their family were leaving for an early Christmas thinking their mom would want to see them on Christmas Day, the only day the entire family had to celebrate was...right when they were talking about this on December 16th. (apparently, they thought their show had moved to Friday nights) But Phil (Ty Burrell) had the answer: Express Christmas (tm). Yes, he trademarked it.They put together the plan: Mitchell and Alex (Ariel Winter) would get the tree, Phil and Manny would get the food, Claire and Haley (Sarah Hyland) would get their family gifts, Jay would wrap gifts using Cameron's mobile wrapping station.PHIL: Dinner at our house at six! Let's move! On Dasher (Claire)! On Dancer (Mitchell)! On Prancer (Cameron)! On Vixen (Gloria)! Hey, that kind of worked out.Gloria sent Luke into the attic to get the angel his Nana (DeDe) made for Claire and Mitchell. However, telling Luke to look was a bit problematic for Gloria. And Luke punching a hole in the ceiling with his foot didn't help, either. Claire, thankfully, had an ace in the hole when it came to shopping. Haley was in her element. Mitchell was being a bit OCD with finding the tree, but Alex was understanding about it. However, when the salesman pointed to a pink tree, she went off on him for being homophobic. Mitchell was quite proud...except the salesman was pointing to the truck behind the tree, which was full of eight-foot Douglas firs, which was exactly what Mitchell wanted. (Take a guess if they got the guy to tie the tree to the roof of their car.) Cameron found an interesting metaphor for Jay using so much tape on gifts: how Jay doesn't let people in. Cameron wants to know, but Jay wants to know why he's wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out.CAMERON: It's my Christmas sweater!JAY: Based on those pit stains, you ARE the Christmas sweater.Cam actually had a present for Jay: the wine cork from when they watched football together five years ago. (Is that the Illinois-Ohio State game from season 1, because I'm confused.) Jay wasn't sure why Cam was doing it, given Jay couldn't even remember his anniversary, but Cam was distraught for "investing too much" in relationships. (He even had a duplicate bottle of wine with the date and score of the game.)Haley had gotten every gift except a ladybug nightlight for Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons). She saw a man take the last one and thought she'd let the bikini she was still wearing do the talking. Only the man was on the phone talking to his boyfriend. However, the salesperson at Target was straight and willing to loan Haley his work shirt. She offered to bring the man's merchandise to the front of the store. It was a good thing, too, as Claire was holding up a line of ticked-off shoppers with purchases of gum. (Those Target shoppers can be vicious; there were arrests at the one near me on Black Friday.)Phil has the groceries, but now he had to meet someone he talked to on Craigslist about getting a signed Joe DiMaggio card for Jay. In a deserted alley. Of course, Manny thought this was COMPLETELY safe and even more so when the guy tried to haggle with Phil. Manny gets paranoid and pulls out the stun gun Gloria had for emergencies. Only Phil tries to stop him and gets tazed. But the man negotiated it down to $225 and the Butterball. It would have helped if Manny knew the guy wanted the turkey and not him. Phil gets the mint-condition card, which he proceeds to ruin because he's still shaking off the effects of the taser gun. Now the card looks like Mitchell's Christmas tree, when he stopped short to avoid a car and the tree fell off. The car he tried to avoid? Gloria and Luke, who ran over the tree. And tossed the angel for the tree out of the car when Gloria found a spider.To recap at home: Cameron and Jay still aren't talking, Claire's "gum delay" at Target helped Gloria and Luke put the angel back together, Mitchell, Alex, and Lily brought in the tree (in three parts), and the Butterball finally arrived. (MANNY: I have a name!) Claire was upset that Phil could only bring home some cornish game hens, which weren't even cooked. That's when Phil loses it and tries to defrost them...with Gloria's taser gun. (PHIL: MERRY! FREAKIN'! CHRISTMAS!) Mitchell discovers the broken angel and goes off, as does Claire. Gloria stops both of them and tells them what their real problem is: they both miss their mother, who used to give them the angel and bake cookies, and now she tells them everything in a newsletter. She insisted Claire and Mitchell give their new mommy a hug. The mommy was their age. (Way too many Freud jokes to tell here.) Jay insists everybody just join him at a local Chinese restaurant for a traditional Jewish Christmas. And everybody heads out the door...right into a blizzard, courtesy of the man Jay hired to blow artificial snow on the lawn. It was all a setup by Jay, who actually hates Chinese food.JAY: You want to hug me, don't you. OK, four to five seconds.CAMERON: (excited) Forty-five seconds?!?JAY: FOUR to FIVE seconds.Everybody finally enjoyed themselves.GLORIA: (interview) Family is family. Whether it's the one you start out with, the one you end up with, or the family you gain along the way. Which makes every day December 16th.

11Lifetime Supply

After having a doctor's visit but then missing the call with the test results, Phil automatically jumps to conclusions and starts saying his goodbyes. Meanwhile Javier pops up unannounced again and takes Manny to the horse races for a belated birthday celebration, and a subtle competition ensues when Mitchell brings home an environmental law award and it becomes a game of who has the bigger trophy.

12Egg Drop

Luke and Manny have a big school project to design the best capsule that would protect an egg in a two-story drop, but when Claire and Jay catch wind of it, their own competitive drives kick in... and eventually take over. Meanwhile, Phil solicits the help of Haley and Gloria to sit as plants in the audience during a huge real estate presentation he has put together, and Mitch and Cam meet with prospective birth mothers and must try their very best to be charming and likeable.

13Little Bo Bleep

The family helps Claire prepare for her upcoming televised debate with Duane Bailey for the town council seat, but will they do more harm than good? Lily is going to be a precious flower girl for the first time, but the problem is she's just discovered her first expletive and Mitch and Cam don't know how best to deal with this new parenting test. And Jay is very concerned with Stella's recent strange behavior and puts the blame on Gloria.

14Me? Jealous?

Phil woos a potential client, Tad, who turns out to be a lingering kisser, which disturbs Claire. While spending three days together under the same roof, Cameron and Gloria get on each other's nerves. Mitchell has a work meeting with a deejay that Jay admires. And Haley annoys her siblings while mentoring a 'little sister'.

15Aunt Mommy

After closing on the sale of a house to Mitch and Cam's friends, Phil and Claire take the two of them out for a celebratory dinner where they proceed to over-indulge in drinks, which leads to some over-sharing, and finally results in waking up the next morning hung over and begging the question - if you'll do anything for family, shouldn't there still be a line drawn somewhere?

16Virgin Territory

It's a day of disturbing realizations when Mitchell manages to ruin one of Jay's proudest golf moments, Phil overhears something that may forever change how he sees his little girl, and Gloria stumbles upon Claire's dangerous little secret.

17Leap Day

Cameron's birthday falls on Leap Day, and with opportunities to celebrate so few and far between, the pressure for Mitchell to get it right is exceptional. Meanwhile, Jay's machismo is in question, and Phil's plans to observe the Leap Day holiday with the boys is thwarted by the girls.

18Send Out the Clowns

The funeral service for a beloved clown mentor reunites Cameron with his estranged ex-clown partner, Lewis; Phil is serious about landing a very important listing, only to get trumped by a notorious bulldozer of an agent, Verna Roth; and Manny has a cool new friend, which makes both Jay and Gloria suspicious.

19Election Day

20The Last Walt

Some bad news: Phil (Ty Burrell) and Claire's (Julie Bowen) old neighbor, Walt, passed away. They had to break the news to Luke (Nolan Gould), only he didn't react the way either of them wanted. In fact, a little smile crept across Claire's face when she tried to emphasize to Luke that Walt died. (Claire apparently turns into the Joker when delivering bad news.) Still, Luke had no emotional reaction at all, other than to go into Walt's house and claim the one item Walt said he could have after he died. Luke opted for the television so he could have one in his bedroom.
Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) were heading to dinner with Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet), as Cameron's father, Merle (Barry Corbin), was in town. That meant their house was free for Haley (Sarah Hyland) to have a pool party. Haley convinced Gloria there would be a chaperone, someone very responsible, like her uncle. Of course, remembering the family tree, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) was technically Haley's uncle, so that worked for her. Not that she told Gloria that, and she only told her parents her uncle graciously volunteered to chaperone. And Manny did...even better than Phil or Claire would have.
Over at Mitch and Cam's, Merle and Cam were having their usual arguments about Merle not liking Jay. It turns out, Jay had a good reason. Merle always treated Mitchell like he's the 'wife' in Cam and Mitch's relationship, even buying Mitchell a women's watch as a gift. Sure enough, when Merle told the story of how Cam threw a tractor tire through a chicken coop when he was 3, Jay countered with Mitchell needing 17 stitches when he karate-chopped a plate glass window.
GLORIA: Oh, I love that story. Which Charlie's Angel was he trying to be?
Actually, Merle knew that already because Mitch had told him the story...and even giggled about it, much to Jay's consternation. Jay claimed Cam had the higher-pitched laugh, which degenerated into a 'top this' argument about giggles. Which for some reason, Mitch and Cam interpreted as the two getting along from the kitchen. But Cam admitted to Mitch that Merle thought Jay came off as a tough guy sometimes, which would rub a real tough-guy like Merle the wrong way. Suddenly Mitch was defending his father. But Cam said Jay was 'city tough' as opposed to 'farm tough'.
MITCHELL: Oh, you mean cities, where there's gangs, as opposed to farms, where there are ducks...
But on the good side, the two dads bonded over the new bed Cam never was able to finish. Both of them admitted wanting to see the other's son as the 'wife' in the relationship because the relationship was a lot to get used to at their age.
Phil, realizing he never had a lot of father-daughter adventures with Alex (Ariel Winter), asked her to accompany him to throw Walt's army dog tags into the Pacific, since Walt's daughter hadn't talked to him in ages. Alex thought some otter might find them and choke on them, but a passing bird grabbed them off the roof of the car to make that irrelevant. Unfazed, Phil took Alex 50 miles to get the 'world's greatest milkshake', only the machine was broken. But there was still hope, as their waitress at the diner was ready to give birth at any moment. (And Phil tried to help her along by scaring her into labor.) Meanwhile, Claire ordered Luke to return the TV to Walt's house and was still upset Luke wouldn't react to it. Of course, her smiling while she told the Meals on Wheels lady about Walt dying might have been worse. Same with telling the UPS delivery person. Even Luke thinks she is crazy, but she tells him to put the TV back where he found it. He put it in the spot where he could see it from his own bedroom and knew Walt was awake at night if the TV was on. It was enough for Claire and she gave him a hug.
Phil was still trying to get the waitress into labor, even resorting to making her fix the table in the diner while he pounded on it. Alex was embarrassed, naturally, but it actually worked. The waitress started feeling labor pains...right as a couple of doctors entered the diner. Alex finally confronted Phil about it, who admitted Walt didn't have a relationship with his daughter and he didn't want to make the same mistake. He wanted to be like Eugene Cernan, the last man on the moon, who drew his daughter's initials into the lunar surface so there would always be a message for her. Alex admitted that was pretty cool that Phil wanted to bond...although not over her throwing up from eating too much food at the diner.
ALEX: You know a day I'll never forget is the day my dad tried to create a special memory for me. Or when the pregnant lady slipped in my vomit.
But Phil did have one last trick up his sleeve: drawing Alex's initials into the sign of the Moonbeam Diner where they ate.
At the end of the night, though, Gloria was ticked at both Manny and Haley. Haley for throwing the party and Manny for not enjoying it.

21Planes, Trains and Cars

PLANES
Jay (Ed O'Neill), Gloria (Sofía Vergara), and Manny (Rico Rodriguez) are making a weekend trip up to Pebble Beach so Jay can meet up with some of his old football buddies, which was one of the best times in his life. Of course back then, you could only have a good time if you were a straight white male who was good at football. He's really trying to step up his game because he claimed he was something of a legend. (Insert Married with Children joke here.) He even rents a small plane to fly them up there. And suddenly Gloria puts her foot down and refuses to get on it. So they try to drive up there, a four-hour trip with no bathroom breaks. (Manny may want to hold on to that super-sized soda cup.) But a pothole takes out the strut on Jay's SUV and they would be stranded in the middle of nowhere. The mechanic, seeing Gloria, offered to take them up in an old Apache helicopter. Gloria wasn't having that either, no. Manny was not thrilled about staying in a motel ("the amenities really fall off when you go from an 'h' to an 'm'), but Jay thinks they can still get to Pebble Beach by hopping a freight train. Finally, Gloria's had enough and wants to take Manny home and leave Jay behind. It turns out, Jay wanted to show her off because he highly exaggerated how much of a legend he was. He was actually a very shy kid who rode the bench and wanted to show off Gloria to the more popular jocks to prove he made something of himself. Gloria was upset...that he didn't say that in the first place. She got right on that helicopter and got herself "all trophied up", and Manny enjoyed the resort to the fullest, even sending flowers to the concierge. (on Jay's tab, natch)
TRAINS
Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) took Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) on her first subway ride through L.A. But she needed her shoes tied, so Cam tosses Mitch Lily's Mr. Bunny stuffed animal to hold while he ties her shoes...only Mitchell wasn't paying attention and Mr. Bunny got thrown back in the train. Lily, you might suspect was despondent and kept the guys up all night with her crying. Cam put up lost signs with Lily and Mr. Bunny, although only offering a $25 reward wasn't exactly good parenting without emphasizing the BUNNY was lost, not Lily. Mitchell tries to convince Lily that Mr. Bunny called him and was having a great adventure in St. Louis visiting his girlfriend. Except, according to Lily, Mr. Bunny doesn't talk and has a boyfriend (awwww...), so she high-tails it to St. Louis to get Mr. Bunny back. Finally, Mitch and Cam head to the subway to put the new flyers up, although a Helvetica font would have communicated need, according to Cam. Mitch thought Lily should just deal with it, like he had to when Jay wouldn't get his Luke Skywalker action figure back (the one with the short, white robe, not the all-black outfit...apparently this is important). Luckily, they find Mr. Bunny in the possession of a sleeping homeless man. They try to extract it, only to have the homeless man cough heavily and wipe his nose on it. Well, kids have to deal with loss at some point.
CARS
Phil (Ty Burrell) is looking for a car to lease, and he wasn't thrilled about leasing a Cadillac again. (don't ask) Andre (Kevin Hart), his neighbor, talks him into taking the Porsche 911 Convertible for a spin. And Phil is convinced, a little sentimental for the days when he imagined the wind blowing through his perm, listening to Hall & Oates, and having some fun with his Mr. Microphone. (ANDRE: Yeah, we wouldn't have been friends back then.)
PHIL: (pointing at the Porsche) I'd like to take her for a spin. Let's get her top down, let's see what she can do.
(of course, there was a woman in front of the Porsche when he said that)
Claire (Julie Bowen) did the typical "saying I love it when I really want to kill you" routine that housewives are famous for, and Phil is going crazy because he knows that's what she's doing and she won't cave in and admit it. But he has bigger problems as he has to pick up some clients. As in plural. They switch cars and Claire drives around in the Porsche. And she LOVES it. In fact, she loves it so much, she decides to drive up the coast and spend the entire day at the beach. She even did cartwheels in the sand, which is a great way to lose your car keys. Meanwhile, Phil is running errands, including shuttling the kids around, and he realizes how much disconnect there is these days between the kids and him. He goes to get Claire, and both of them realize they needed a day to themselves to just unwind and enjoy each other. Rather than keeping the Porsche, they agree to spend one day at the beach by themselves every month. And Phil did some impressive backflips to celebrate.

22Disneyland

It's time for the Pritchetts and Dunphys to head to Disneyland. Luke (Nolan Gould) is excited because he doesn't have to spike his hair to ride the adult rides. (I'm pretty sure most 12-year-olds are taller than 4 1/2 feet.) And Claire (Julie Bowen) has arranged for her friend's nephew, Ethan, to join the group, potentially as someone Haley (Sarah Hyland) can date so she can control her environment a bit. Haley sees right through it, and then discovers Ethan is good-looking enough for her. So does Alex...and Claire, Cameron, and Mitchell, for that matter. Jay's (Ed O'Neill) all set to go, as he hasn't been there since he took Claire and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) when they were little kids without DeDe, who bailed on them because Jay accidentally taped a footbal game over an episode of Dallas (which Dallas was playing in, ironically). But Gloria (Sofía Vergara) insists on wearing five-inch stilettos, despite Jay's warning they would be walking all day. As for Manny (Rico Rodriguez), he's trying to win his stock market project at school and would rather keep an eye on the Dow Jones than ride Space Mountain.
Once they get to the park, things get a little goofy. (pun intended) Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) has a habit of running off these days, so Cam (Eric Stonestreet) put a child-safety harness on her. (MITCHELL: It's a leash.) Cam may have been right to do it, but Lily barking and getting it tangled up with a set of twins also on child-safety harnesses certainly didn't endear them to anybody in the park...not even a guy who wore socks with sandals. After chasing Chip and Dale once too many times, Mitchell all but begs Jay for help. Jay's solution is to put Lily in high-heeled princess shoes, despite Cam and Mitch's protests about having Lily wear high heels at such a young age. But it works great, and Lily loves the shoes. And Jay even remarks "she's got great gams for a three-year-old." Interestingly, the opposite worked for Gloria, who had been snapping at Jay all day because her feet were killing her. Jay wanted her to admit he was right, but instead simply gave up and bought her some Minnie Mouse slippers to wear around the park. They worked so well, Gloria was practically in tears thanking him. They even kissed. (Hell, Mitch and Cam kiss on the show more than Jay and Gloria.)
Phil (Ty Burrell) and Luke try all of the dangerous rides, particularly the roller coasters. However, after two or three, Phil looks like crap. Jay thinks it's because he's getting older and his inner ear makes rides like that tougher to take, which depresses Phil to no end. He wants to be able to do fun, crazy things with Luke for as long as he can, but Luke promises to stick by him and do whatever crazy things he can handle, even if he's in a wheelchair. Fortunately for Phil, Claire noticed Phil had a temperature, which meant Phil actually had the flu.
Claire's plan for Haley wasn't working great, mostly because Haley was still pining for Dylan and Alex (Ariel Winter) was hitting it off with Ethan. (CLAIRE: I just set up my 14-year-old with a college student.) But then, Dylan showed up in the park. Actually, he worked there as one of those "Dapper Dans" who ride on bicycles and sing. ("Oh, my God. He looks like those pictures of Grandpa from high school!") Claire was even more estatic when Haley basically pushed Alex out of the way and became interested in Ethan. However, Dylan wouldn't be swayed. Donning a Little John costume from Robin Hood, Dylan tried to win her back, saying he didn't call her because he got fired from the dude ranch in Wyoming and was embarrassed to be working at Disneyland. Ethan showed and tried telling Dylan to leave. Then they got into a shoving match. Well, they will once Dylan figures out how to stand up again in the costume. But since this is a sitcom, naturally Haley goes back to Dylan and Ethan leaves with some friends. But at least Claire doesn't have to worry about Alex dating a college boy.
Jay made everyone go to the "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln" show at Disneyland. ("It's a robotic president. What's not to love?") But there was a lot of significance for Jay. During the day he took Claire and Mitch by himself to Disneyland, he got more and more upset DeDe bailed on the three of them simply because he taped a football game over her show, and he was ready to leave her when he got home that night. But then he sat and listened to the speech by the animatronic President Lincoln.
JAY: (interview) I don't know what happened. Maybe it's what Robot Lincoln said about a man's duty or keeping the union together. Maybe I just chickened out. But I realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. That's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me. So I stuck it out until they were grown.
GLORIA: (calling out) Jay, you want to join me in the Jacuzzi?
JAY: (big smile) And the universe rewarded me.

23Tableau Vivant

Everybody is up late at the Dunphy house. Phil (Ty Burrell) is practicing having to fire Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) for being late on a couple of projects he was doing for Phil's firm, Alex (Ariel Winter) was sweating an art project for school, Luke (Nolan Gould) was excited to be receiving an award for putting out a fire, and Haley (Sarah Hyland) snuck into the house late from partying. OK, now here's where reality sets in. Mitchell was tanking these projects on purpose because his plate was full with his real job and taking care of Lily and was doing the work strictly as a favor, Luke set the fire he was receiving a medal for putting out, and Alex was only sweating the art project because her art teacher, Mr. Jarvis, was the only teacher who didn't like her. The Haley thing was true.
The art project was going to be taking a classic Norman Rockwell painting of a family having a turkey dinner around the table and recreating it with her family. Therefore Alex enlisted the help of Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) to get some of the items she'd need. Trouble is, Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) had a habit of flicking lights on and off all over Phil and Claire's house...along with the garbage disposal. Claire (Julie Bowen) tried to tell her to stop, but Cam was saying they weren't trying to teach the word "no" to Lily because she'd rebel. Not to mention letting Lily decide when she wanted to nap. If you think Cameron got this out of the latest parenting book, you must be a parent who has a lot more sense than that, like Claire. If only Jay (Ed O'Neill) had enough sense to zip his lip at the diner where he showed Gloria (Sofía Vergara) the sandwich they named after him. Which Gloria didn't like. ("It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.") Nor did she like Maxine the waitress telling her Jay had a neck problem since Jay never told her about it. Same thing with the audit Jay's company was going through. Jay told her she didn't have to be 100% honest all the time, since in a relationship, it's sometimes best to hold things back and think of the other person's feelings. Oops, can open, worms everywhere! Of course, now Jay has to admit to EVERYTHING he didn't tell Gloria that drove him nuts, like how loud she is. ("Not all the time. Only when you...talk.")
As Mitchell and Phil totally misinterpret what the other was saying about Mitch working at Phil's firm so neither hurts the other's feelings (it's like that episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg doesn't want to tell his dad he doesn't want to be an architect), Manny (Rico Rodriguez) tries to convince Luke to be honest about setting the fire in the first place. But Luke wasn't having it, even after Manny tried to guilt trip him with the American flag. Meanwhile, Claire found the perfect resolution to Lily flipping all of the switches in the house. Actually, Cam did when Alex threw a modern-day spoon on the table into the sink where the garbage disposal was. He tried to retrieve it and got stuck. And Lily was making her way around to the garbage disposal switch again. But Claire didn't want to say no to Lily; she wanted to respect Cam's wishes. And the disposal went off!! Actually, it was Claire turning on a mixer; Lily was never near the disposal switch but Cam was certainly ticked off.
Mitchell shows up at Phil's office, much to his surprise because he thought he successfully told Mitch he was fired. But Mitch was trying to avoid confrontation, and Phil was going blinky like he always does when confronted. (Phil hates confrontations. What a shock.) But Phil gets him into the elevator and fires him right before the doors close. Only they get stuck and now the two are having an argument about who got to leave first. (PHIL: I haven't felt this terrible since I tried to break up with Claire 20 years ago!) Of course, now all of Phil's co-workers thought Mitch was disgruntled and lazy and didn't believe he was tanking the job on purpose.
MITCHELL: I was stuck in there for hours with everybody staring at me. I finally had to lie down. Didn't help my reputation.
It was time for everyone to go to Alex's school and pose for the picture. And everybody, naturally, was fighting. Alex tried to get everybody to focus because she wanted to impress Mr. Gorgeous...Jarvis! (Yes, Alex had a crush on her teacher.) The curtains open, and everybody has to be still like in the painting. Naturally, everybody still yelled at each other through clenched teeth. Cam even managed to spill picking Haley up late at night and bringing her home. Phil wanted Mitchell's parking pass back, Manny ratted out Luke for setting the fire, and Lily kept wanting some turkey. Alex got a B-, but at least Mr. Jarvis remembered her name. So she had that going for her. Which was nice. Dinner at the diner where Jay had the sandwich named after him wasn't happening, however. Nobody wanted to go. Claire didn't think she overstepped her bounds, Gloria didn't think she was too loud, Cam didn't think he was overly-sensitive when it came to parenting, and Mitchell was upset because he had never been fired from anything in his life.
CAMERON: Then perhaps what you're feeling is a little insecurity about your work for the first time.
MITCHELL: That's hogwash.
CAMERON: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure that is not.
Eventually, everybody joins Jay at the diner. Phil really needed a hug from Maxine, the waitress. (PHIL: Second-best hugger behind Mr. Burt Reynolds.) Even Gloria came back when she realized she was just jealous Maxine knew all of these things about Jay and she didn't. She even ordered the Jay Pritchett...without the anchovies.

24Baby on Board

Mitchell (Ty Burrell) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) receive some wonderful news: a woman in Calexico was going into early labor and told the adoption agency she wanted to give her baby to them. Mitch and Cam were, to say the least, beyond thrilled. However, it would require them to drive down to the hospital on the California-Mexico border and meet them. They had to bring Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) over to be babysat by Jay (Ed O'Neill), Gloria (Sofía Vergara), and Manny (Rico Rodriguez), who would take her to her dance recital. Jay and Manny weren't thrilled, but Gloria was there. But then Mitch and Cam had trouble talking to the woman's family because they only spoke Spanish. Despite Cam's 'expertise' at Spanish by watching soap operas, Gloria has to accompany them while Jay and Manny have to take Lily to her recital.
Alex (Ariel Winter) was heading to her school prom (they have those in 8th grade?) and she was worried about the dress she had. She didn't like that Claire (Julie Bowen) thought she was adorable in it, and Phil (Ty Burrell) thought she looked "super sexy". (Eww...) None of them were worried about Alex getting out of control, and she was quite offended by it. So she tried to hide her date on purpose to make it seem like he was a bad boy. Turns out he was a bad boy. He thought Jud Fry in Oklahoma! always got a raw deal. Yup, even Alex knew he was gay. Meanwhile, Haley (Sarah Hyland) was planning to take a "gap year" like her school counselor recommended. She would take community classes, get out in the world, and work at The Gap. She got the job and offered to cook dinner for her parents and invite Dylan over. Yes, she has ulterior motives. She decided she was going to move in with Dylan, who was starting up his own t-shirt business. (DYLAN: They're going to be huge...and medium and small because they come in those sizes, too.) Haley wanted to spring it on them gradually. Which of course meant Dylan accidentally let it slip.
As Phil and Claire painted quite a vivid picture of how Haley's and Dylan's lives would be (and somehow Phil's version included nuclear launch codes), Gloria was getting carsick from Cam's driving. However, it wouldn't get better. The family priest told them the grandmother feared a curse over the entire family. And then Juanita, the mom's sister, gets mad at the nurse for telling the grandmother about the baby and the nurse is mad at Juanita for stealing her lover. Yes, Gloria, Cameron, and Mitchell were stuck in the middle of a Spanish soap opera. By the time the long-lost lover, Eduardo, confessed to telling the grandmother about the baby because he swore to his lover, their mother, he'd protect the family, Cam, Mitch, and Gloria pretty much gave up. Cameron lost it a bit, and then Mitchell REALLY lost it. He couldn't handle being so close so many times only to have the rug pulled out from under him and missing Lily growing up at the same time. Cam and Mitch decide to put adopting another baby on hold.
Lily refused to go on stage, and Jay found out she wasn't happy about having a little brother. Jay told her Mitch and Cam would love her just as much as her new brother.
JAY: I had your Aunt Claire and when your dad came along, and I loved them just the same, no matter what he tells you.
Lily still refused to do her recital, but Jay dancing with her on stage was just the trick.
Haley was tired of being ganged up on by her parents about moving in with Dylan (although good call threatening that she'll wear Alex's hand-me-downs because she couldn't afford clothes). But it turns out Luke (Nolan Gould) had their back. He had been hiding some of the mail, like jury duty the day they went to Disney Land, the bill for the birdhouse he broke at the dude ranch, the ticket they got when he drove their car. But he was also hiding Haley's acceptance letter into college because he didn't want to see her go. He showed that letter to Dylan, who brought it down to Haley and said going to college was the best plan of all. Phil and Claire were ecstatic, to say the least. And all Dylan wants in return is to go to prom. Claire will let her borrow the purple dress she said Claire was too old for, and Phil had a tuxedo Dylan could wear. Double-breasted. (DYLAN: Perfect. So am I.)
GLORIA: There's certain moments in life you never forget. Like when I held Manny in my arms for the very first time. I was nervous. I didn't know what I was doing. I was so excited to see him grow up, and the more he becomes the little man I know today, the more I know I'd do it all over again.
And Gloria will. She wasn't carsick; she was pregnant.

1Bringing Up Baby

It's Jay's (Ed O'Neill) 65th birthday, and all he wants is a quiet day with no surprises. And no, Gloria (Sofía Vergara) hasn't told him yet she is pregnant. Manny (Rico Rodriguez) won't stop with all of the 'old man' jokes he learned YouTubing Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, and Phil (Ty Burrell) has a plan to take Jay fishing...which may or may not involve kidnapping him against his will. (PHIL: Jay has been very explicit about what he wants to do for his 65th birthday, but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines.) Although they did dispense with Shorty's (Chazz Palminteri) idea of locking him in the trunk.
In the meantime, Cameron (congrats on the Emmy, Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) had to talk about the elephant in the room. The stuffed one Pepper got them because they were supposed to have a second child now. (MITCHELL: The gay community really hasn't figured out how to modulate baby gifts.) They also had to deal with the 800-pound gorilla...stuffed too, yes...and convince themselves that not getting that second child will work out better in the long run. Of course, now they had to tell Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons). But Lily will settle for getting a kitten. And when the charity store wouldn't even take the elephant and the gorilla, Cam was starting to see the point of getting one.
MITCHELL: So, what you're saying is you have a child-shaped hole in your heart and your plan is to cram a cat into there?
Gloria did manage to tell Manny about being pregnant, who did not take it well. He didn't think Gloria could take care of a baby.
GLORIA: (offended) I took care of you!
MANNY: Please, I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.
Both agreed Jay won't take it well because he is slow to accept change. ("He still checks the front step for the evening paper.")
Oh, word of advice: never lead a struggling, blindfolded man down a dock, even if it's to get into a fishing boat. And if you do, don't have a son-in-law who calms you by punching you in the face. But they get him in the boat and make him realize he now gets to reap the rewards of all of his years of hard work. Such as Miles (Ernie Hudson) shagging 42 golf balls on the golf course. And then Phil, who takes Shorty's advice to grow a beard, starts the boat. BTW, Jay was sitting on the back of the boat. Yes, he's in the water again.
Claire (congrats on the Emmy, Julie Bowen) had some cleaning up to do, since Haley (Sarah Hyland) and Dylan got a bit drunk at Alex's (Ariel Winter) prom the prior night and Alex...didn't. While drinking Mom's hangover cure (according to Mom, anyway), she begged Claire to let Dylan stay at their house since he couldn't afford his apartment anymore. Claire vehemently said no and Haley went to throw up. Gloria stops by and tells Claire she's pregnant. Claire congratulates her and said she was going to get fat...and not in that order. But given Jay's penchant for having no tact, Claire figured she had to run interference before he blurted out the wrong thing to Gloria and ended up in divorce court.
Cam and Mitchell's efforts to get a cat went about as well as getting rid of the gorilla and elephant, which were still on top of their car in a slightly-compromising position. And the fact that there are almost no positions you can put an elephant and a gorilla on top of a Prius without it looking dirty, they finally break down and admit not getting a second child is hurting them. They contemplate going to Europe (since Mitch shot down Branson, Missouri), but hugging it out seemed to help. Best of all, they got the elephant and the gorilla into a non-sexual position on top of the Prius. They drove away...and the elephant fell between the gorilla's legs.
Jay makes it back to his house and Claire intercepts him. She tells him someone has some big news to tell him and is very vulnerable, and Claire doesn't want him to react the way he normally does. Naturally, this is when Cam and Mitch come through the door and announce they're getting a cat. Sure enough, Jay goes overboard with supporting them. And he'll love the hell out of it so much, he'll make that little one over there jealous.
MANNY: (who was standing next to Stella II) Oh, this little one will be just fine now that he knows where he stands! In the shadow of your new baby!!
Oops. Now the cat's out of the bag...as it were. Gloria comes out and tells her the truth.
LUKE: Eww, gross. I didn't know grandpa could still do it.
PHIL: Don't be disrespectful, Luke! Anyone could do it with Gloria.
But Gloria gave Jay both barrels before he could even react, saying she would raise the baby on her own if he was too set in his ways to be happy about it.
GLORIA: I come from a very long line of strong proud Latin women whose husbands are nowhere to be found!
JAY: Are you done?
GLORIA: (still mad) Yes!
JAY: That is the greatest news I've ever heard. I spent the day hearing what my future had in store for me and I didn't like one bit of it. I felt like my life was ending. And now you're telling me I get to have a new start with the woman of my dreams. I think I'm going to cry. It's going to be great!
GLORIA: I'm going to get so fat.
JAY: Mostly great!
And at the end of the summer, Luke (Nolan Gould) is still grossed out Grandpa's doing it, Claire insists Dylan finally move out of the house and Phil shave his beard, Manny reads something he wrote at poetry camp, and Cam and Mitchell take two weeks in London, mostly so Mitch's scratches from Larry the cat heal.

2Schooled

Phil and Claire drops Haley off at college, which is a difficult moment for any parent, but it's made worse when they manage to really embarrass Haley. Meanwhile, Manny forces Jay and Gloria to take a baby class. Mitch and Cam drop Lily off for the first day of kindergarten, but when she gets into a tussle with another little boy, they end up having a meeting with the boy's confrontational lesbian parents.

3Snip

Did you know you're supposed to get ice cream when you get a vasectomy? Well, Phil (Ty Burrell) thinks that. Claire (Julie Bowen) thought it was a good idea so there would be no 'surprises' like Jay and Gloria got, and Phil figures "it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir without adding any more critters." It's part of their five-year plan to become more like John and Chrissy Ross, who never had kids, travel all the time, and are so youthful.
CLAIRE: Did you know Chrissy is eight years older than me?
PHIL: I would have said eight years younger. It's like there's a little spark in them...actually why am I saying this? You used to have it.
However, Claire would have to settle arguments with Alex (Ariel Winter) and Haley (Sarah Hyland), who is already Skyping from college wondering when her clothes will be sent and why Alex now looks like a goth dork instead of just a dork just to impress some kid at school. But Claire has to take Phil for his assectomy...according to Luke (Nolan Gould).
As Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) skates around the issue of Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) going back to work now that Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) was in kindergarten, Claire couldn't drive Phil to get his vasectomy. She needed forever to mail Haley's clothes and Luke forgot his science project at school, so she arranged for alternative transportation for Phil. (JAY: Let's go! Chop chop!) Claire goes to put the science project in his locker, not knowing Luke had rigged it because someone had been breaking into it. Now she was covered in yogurt...right as students let out into the halls. Including Luke, who accused her of embarrassing him.
CLAIRE: (steam coming out of her ears) Five more years...five more years...
Mitch and Cam head to Longines' clothing store, who was a little short-staffed. It was very hard to hire someone who had good taste in shirts and great people skills. Throw in a little reverse psychology from Mitch, and Longines had a new employee. That is until Jeoux (pronounced "Joe") spilled the beans about Mitch's and Longines' devious plan and walked out.
Meanwhile, Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) got a healthy report from the obstetrician about their baby. She asked if they wanted to know the baby's gender. Jay did, Gloria didn't. Jay, you might suspect, didn't want any surprises. (JAY: I'm 65. If she wants a surprise, she should go buy Cracker Jacks.) The other problem is Gloria hadn't yet switched to maternity clothing, even though she was starting to show. This would prove problematic, as she thought she could flirt with Manny's new music teacher to get him the lead in Oliver! Of course, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) didn't think that was a good idea but didn't have the heart to tell Gloria it was time to switch clothes. Finally, he does, and Gloria naturally freaks out. She's mad at him until her clothes start ripping. But Manny calms her and gets her to a nearby maternity store, promising that she's got two partners to help her instead of none like the last time she had a child.
As Jay now has to track down Phil, who got scared and ran when someone else's vasectomy didn't go so well, Claire catches Alex trying to get a buzz cut from Schuyler, who was very into the goth look. Claire is out of her mind about it...and goes further out of her mind when she grabs the clippers and chases Alex with them. Only she manages to get Schuyler with them and take out a significant portion of her hair. Although her freaking out still didn't compare to Cam freaking out about being set up. Cam thinks his life isn't empty. He even has a master project he's working on: a Lycra mermaid costume for the cat. And suddenly he realizes how pathetic that sounds. Cam understood Mitchell didn't think he was lazy like his dad did on the farm. Cam thinks he needs to find something, and Mitchell agrees he's a better person when he's challenged. Mitch promises to help him find something that he wants. It turns out that thing he wants is to teach music again. At Manny's school.
Jay finally tracks Phil down and convinces him he won't be less of a man for getting a vasectomy. Actually, Phil was more worried about the pain, but Jay tells him the fear is bigger than the reality. Phil doesn't believe him because he's never seen Jay afraid of anything. But Jay wanted to know the sex of his baby because he was afraid of having a girl. He had gone through it with Claire. Even though they were good now, Jay realized he wouldn't be around long enough to make things right if he had the same thing happen with another girl. He admitted he was not sensitive enough to take care of a girl.
PHIL: You're being sensitive right now. I was hysterical, and you calmed me down. I don't think you're the same guy you used to be.
JAY: So you're saying if I can calm you down, I can handle any other little girl.
Jay commemorates the moment with Phil on the bench. Behind which the bench said "not a real man."
Claire gets to the hospital before Phil has the procedure to tell him how her day ended. It turns out Claire did Alex a favor; Schulyer was kind of horrible. Of course, Haley had been through this with a James Taylor concert and advised Alex not to let Claire know she helped her or she wouldn't hear the end of it. Claire overheard all of this, as well as received an apology rose from Luke. They decide to wait at least five years before starting the five-year plan.
JAY: I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, and sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still have to walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.

4The Butler's Escape

It's a late night for everybody. There are many ways for a fire to start in a household, but Luke's (Nolan Gould) box of magic tricks (The Great Lukini) is a new one. Phil (Ty Burrell), naturally, is proud of him; he even got Luke lessons from a man he found online. (Because that never goes wrong.) On the other hand, Jay (Ed O'Neill) is up for an entirely different reason: Gloria (Sofía Vergara) is snoring like a buzzsaw thanks to her pregnancy. To make things worse, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) already claimed the couch downstairs. And Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) is being kept up by Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) practicing for his first day as a music teacher. Mitchell decided to let it go, but Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) took the direct approach, unplugged his electric piano, and threw the plug at him.
As Jay thanks his lucky stars he has a trip to San Francisco and gets a night away from the snoring machine, Cam is excited and confident he'll knock the socks off of middle school students. (You already know what's coming, don't you.) But Mitch is being supportive, even handling Lily duties for the day, the list of which Cam must remind him of, naturally. Meanwhile, Luke wants to quit doing magic because he isn't interested in it, and Claire thinks Phil will be OK with that. (No, he's not.)
You have to give Cameron credit for the enthusiasm, but middle school kids are the toughest to teach. (I know this first-hand, having taught Math.) But Cam pushed forward and tried to teach the kids about his good friend...music. And Luke and Manny pretended they didn't know him. Mitchell wasn't having much more luck getting Lily to school, thanks to traffic, not strapping her seat in the car correctly, and Lily pointing these things out to him. Cam checked in with him at the grocery store and even helped Mitch find Lily when she wandered off in the store.
Jay ended up not needing to stay in Frisco ("They hate it when you call it Frisco.") overnight and he hadn't slept in a week. Claire's (Julie Bowen) advice about Gloria's snoring? Suck it up.
CLAIRE: Your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!
And Claire said Gloria was going through so much with the extra weight, which was up to 45 pounds by the time Jay hung up. By the time Jay got home, even Stella II was begging for help. Jay snuck out and headed for a hotel.
Meanwhile, Phil made a deal with Luke: he could quit magic if he could execute The Butler's Escape, where Luke is shackled in a butler's uniform and obviously must get out of it. Which he did...even before Phil had finished tying him upside down. Phil was upset because Luke didn't share one of his interests, but Claire found some wisdom in what was going on. Alex (Ariel Winter) had been sniping at everybody and Claire couldn't figure out why. But the opposing forces needed to make the Butler's Escape work was figuratively what Claire needed. Alex was missing her opposing force: Haley (Sarah Hyland). But one nasty Skype call to Haley, and the family was balanced once again.
At home, Lily had her braids done, the dimmer switch was fixed, and there was even a nice meal on the table...all thanks to Claire but Cam doesn't need to know that. But Cam broke down and admitted his first day was a disaster. Even the other teachers didn't like him. Mitchell tried to still take credit for his work, but Claire ratted him out, saying Mitch was every bit the failure he was today. But Cam hugged Mitch, figuring he was on the receiving end of many sisterly insults that day. (CLAIRE: Is this going to work its way around to a 'thank you', ladies?)
Gloria calls Jay to surprise him and say she took a plane to San Francisco. Jay panics, grabs all of his stuff, and runs down to the hotel lobby. Where, of course, a ticked-off Gloria is waiting for him. Apparently, Manny was already at the hotel looking for peace and quiet, since the library was a total pickup scene. Gloria thought he was having an affair, but Jay confessed needing a night away from her snoring and hogging the bed like Rush Limbaugh. (Ironic, given Gloria sleeps on the left side of the bed.) Gloria was mad at him for not saying anything, even though he didn't want her to get mad at him like she got mad at Manny earlier. But she wants that because she knows he can take a little yelling: she loves that about him, in fact. And at least his hotel room won't go to waste: Gloria will sleep at the hotel while Jay takes Manny home.

5Open House of Horrors

Much to Claire's (Julie Bowen) disappointment, the Dunphys did not decorate their house for Halloween. Actually, a neighborhood petition banned it. She couldn't even carve a pumpkin (the petition was very specific). Given she scared a lot of kids last year...and gave one parent a heart attack with her Alien-inspired costume, they were out of luck this year. She really wanted to scare the trick-or-treaters; she even used professional-grade makeup.
PHIL: That's the point, Claire! It was overkill. You're the type of person who can be twice as scary without makeup.
Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) are trying to get their Halloween costumes right because Cam lost some weight. Of course, the costume shop still figured Cam would be the bull and Mitch be the matador, but there's actually a bigger problem. Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) wanted to go as a princess again (rather vociferously, I might add) because a tired Mitchell once told Lily her real mom was a princess and was very busy, so she let Mitchell and Cameron take care of her. Mitchell didn't know she would hang onto a bedtime story like that, but she did. And since Mitch didn't own up to it, Cam couldn't figure out why Lily was so obsessed with princesses. (MITCH: Oh, like we weren't at that age?)
While Jay (Ed O'Neill) was unable to charm his way out of a ticket, or to get Gloria (Sofía Vergara) to not be pregnancy-induced ticked off, Manny (Rico Rodriguez) actually picked up some street cred with the other students. To clear his mind for a test, he was practicing his Gene Kelly dance moves in the hall...as one does...and he accidentally hit the fire alarm. Because of that, all of the students didn't have to take a test and were grateful to him because of it. Although one of his friends (in a California Angels uniform) told him not to join them at the park later because he had to apologize to the whole school on Monday, his other friend (dressed as a devil) said it was a chance to get in with the cool kids. Although he was certainly in better shape than Claire, because now all of the kids were avoiding the house for trick-or-treat. She even tried to go out in her Little Bo Peep costume to pass out "brand name candy" and only ended up snagging a little girl by accident with her staff and made her parents think it was a kidnapping.
At Mitch and Cam's, they were throwing a party, Cam was beside himself because nobody could see he lost weight under the bull costume, resorting to 'flashing' everybody (not in a perverted way) so they could see his body (actually, that is the perverted way), and Lily suddenly spotted her mommy. Actually, she spotted someone in a princess costume and Mitch had to explain that wasn't her mommy. But later on, Lily told the princess her mommy was one, too, and now Cam wants to know what's going on. Mitchell finally admitted the truth, and Cam brushed it off quickly. Mostly because he's told a few tall tales himself. They decide to tell Lily the truth, that they don't know where her real mommy is. But they convinced her her mommy wanted to put Lily with the most loving family she could, and she did.
Jay and Gloria joined Mitch and Cam, who had changed into a Mr. Roarke costume from Fantasy Island so people could see he lost weight, only to be upstaged by someone who had lost over 100 pounds. Meanwhile, Evel Knievel, or Jay, had to restrain Gloria, who was told she must be dressed as an illegal alien, since she wore an alien costume and...OK, she has a right to be mad on that one. Jay tries to tell her to calm down anyway, mainly because the baby is affecting her mood, and she thinks the baby is angry inside of her. And now she is freaking out about it. But Jay said being defensive about her baby makes him think she'll again be a great mom, which made her feel better. But then the two punks who left dog crap on their lawn earlier arrived and Jay decided a couple of rotten eggs won't hurt the baby much. And as a reward, Gloria let the princess hit on Jay for a few minutes to make him feel better about still being charming. (Jay thought she was a guy in drag.) But at least Jay complimented Cam on losing weight, and Lily decided to be Tattoo to Cam's Mr. Roarke.
Phil (Ty Burrell) wasn't having much more fun trying to run an open house on Halloween. His logic was to pass out candy to the kids and get the bored-out-of-their-mind parents to look at a nice place. That didn't really work, and Claire was just as lonely being shunned by the neighborhood. Suddenly, Claire had an idea. Empty house, Phil by himself, and Claire needing to convince him she can be scary? Well, it turns out it's a lot harder than it looks. Somehow, Claire couldn't scare Phil, but she did leave her Little Bo Beep staff at the door, so now Phil thinks Claire snuck into the house. Phil starts looking around the house for Claire. But then an actual customer comes by, and now Phil is afraid Claire will pop out and scare them. Naturally, Phil goes crazy trying to keep the couple away from Claire. The good news is she still gave him quite a scare after they left. Or was that really her? (mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!)

6Yard Sale

Jay and Gloria hold a yard sale to help Manny and Luke with their school's charity fundraiser, and the entire family pitches in: Phil feels pressured to both sell and buy something, Mitch and Cam help Claire assess Alex's new 'boy friend,' and Manny finds an old trunk that hides a secret Gloria wants to see remain a secret

7Arrested

Phil and Claire get the dreaded late night call that Haley has been arrested for under-aged drinking, so they bring Mitchell, the family lawyer, in tow to the police station. Cameron stays back to watch over Alex and Luke, but they get into some crazy mishaps under his care. Meanwhile, Jay gets out of baby shopping with Gloria, but ends up having to deal with a surprise visit from Dede, and tries to scoot her out before Gloria gets home to prevent Dede from seeing that she's pregnant and to avoid the potential blowback

8Mistery Date

When Claire takes Manny and Luke along to Alex's academic decathlon for the weekend, Phil attempts to throw together a boys' night at the house, inviting a fellow Bulldog alum he just met -- but their wires are definitely crossed. Meanwhile, the pressure is on for Alex at the decathlon, Manny and Luke bar mitzvah hop at the hotel trying to find a cute girl, and Cam and Mitch arrange for quite the surprise baby gift for Jay and Gloria.

9When a Tree Falls

Haley (Sarah Hyland) is off to do community service for her assault on a cop. (HALEY: Because I do not have any priors! PHIL: Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart.) She isn't much for picking up garbage, but she loves what the orange safety vest does for her. Alex (Ariel Winter) may be enjoying this, but Luke's (Nolan Gould) got Haley's back, even making her a shiv out of a knife.CLAIRE: You don't make a shiv out of a knife!PHIL: Yeah, you make a shiv out of a rusty spoon or glass.CLAIRE: ...or a human femur!In the meantime, Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) comes home to tell Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) they were cutting down the tree at the park where they always picnic: Treeona Helmsley. Even Lily (Aubrey Anderson-Emmons) thought it was a nightmare, and clearly she's picked up Cam's gift for hyperbole. Sure enough, Cam went to give the tree one final hug goodbye, and the next thing you know, he's climbed up it. And Lily thinks THAT'S a nightmare. Cam thinks he needs to show Lily the value of what's important. And he'll do that just as soon as Mitchell takes his place in the tree. He had to go replace someone at a play where he was an understudy. Mitchell refused, but Cam pointed out the tree is where Lily first rolled over, where home base was when they played hide-and-go-seek, and where they took shelter from a terrible lightning storm. That was enough for Lily, who begged Mitch to save the tree.While Claire (Julie Bowen) takes Gloria (Sofía Vergara) on a Costco run...at Jay's (Ed O'Neill) request because Gloria had a serious case of 'pregnancy brain'...he takes Manny (Rico Rodriguez) to a classmate's party, the same one Luke and Phil (Ty Burrell) were attending. It's an Olympic-themed party, and Manny was only invited to represent Mexico. Which naturally offends him since he's from Colombia. (LUKE: You keep saying that, but we've never seen a birth certificate.) Manny didn't want to do it, but Jay insisted he get out of his comfort zone once in a while and have fun outdoors. And take off the wingtips and change into his sporty shoes. (JAY: They're called sneakers!) Jay was all set to drop Manny off and leave, but it turned out the sports party involved the fathers as well, and Phil was wondering why Jay-Lo was in such a hurry to leave.MANNY: What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step out of your comfort zone?JAY: I will send you back to Mexico...Jay hangs around and starts getting used to the insulting back and forth. Phil chides him about being a technophobe and Jay fires back about Phil not being able to drive a stick shift. In the meantime, Alex decides she wanted revenge for a bad pic Haley took of her and posted on Facebook by posting a pic of Haley picking up garbage along the highway. (How a 15-year-old got on the highway without a car, I don't know, but whatevs). And the plan works...until a truck scared her smartphone out of her hands and into a sewer. And as Haley talks with a cute co-worker on community service and finds a gold bracelet, Alex falls into the mud, gets her hand stuck in the grate, and has a bag of garbage thrown on her.Mitch was doing a pretty good job of saving the tree, even convincing a cop he was just doing this to support his partner. The cop agreed; his therapist said the same thing. (The therapist he had to go to because his partner shot a guy.) But Mitchell realized it was something he had to do and there were so many good memories of that tree. And he was ready to go all night to save that tree...until he was told there were a hundred rats hidden in it. Then Cam had 20 minutes to get back.After Gloria closed the liftgate of Claire's SUV on her, Claire went crazy. She told Gloria pregnancy was tough; she could remember her own name when she was carrying Alex because there were two humans fighting for all of the resources.GLORIA: What about Haley and Luke?CLAIRE: No, they were OK. Pretty much let me do my thing.But Claire insisted Gloria focus on what she was doing. In the meantime, Claire would be taken into custody for shoplifting a hoody out of Costco. Claire only put it on in the store and forgot to take it off before she left.GLORIA: Listen, mister policeman, if we really wanted to steal it, you wouldn't even know it was gone!No, that didn't help Claire's cause.Jay continues at the party with some great Phil stories, including one where Phil went all Lloyd Dobler (from ) on Claire when they were kids, only the boom box played Olivia Newton-John's Let's Get Physical, which prompted Jay to turn the sprinkler on him. Phil was still upset for getting his boom box broken and Jay never replaced it. So Jay thought they should get in the ring over it. If Jay won, Phil would have to do his "Let's Get Phil-sycial" dance in front of everyone. Jay wasn't worried; he boxed in the navy.JAY: I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's.Of course, Jay forgot they wore oversized gloves and Phil was holding onto a lot more anger over that boom box than anybody realized...even him. It was reminiscent of that fight in right before Apollo was killed. Jay later apologized for giving Phil crap and was upset that in 25 years, they still couldn't communicate. How would it be for Jay in 10 years with his new kid? (PHIL: Oh, you're insecure and vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen! Who's a shy bunny?) But Phil assured Jay the guys really liked him. And even Manny was making inroads with the other kids...in much the same way Jay did.While Cameron returned to the tree, complete in his costume from Cats, Claire pleads her case at Costco to the manager () but he thinks Claire is just another one of those bored housewives looking for a thrill. He even thinks Gloria's baby is really a turkey she stole. Well, she showed him. Her water broke right then. He changed his tune quickly, and Claire and she got out of there. And then Gloria REALLY showed that guy. She was faking it, using a water bottle she got from the store. She didn't want Claire to have to go through what she did just over one stupid thing. Although Claire would appreciate if Gloria could do it one more time for the cop that was pulling her over for running a red light.More good news: a very disheveled Alex finally retrieved her phone, only to have it run over by the cute guy who was taking Haley out on a date. (Oh, the irony.) And of course, Haley got a picture of it. (ALEX: 593 likes...and counting.)Cameron won his fight. The city workers went home for the weekend, giving Mitchell a chance to call City Hall on Monday and try to get an injunction. Mitchell was very proud, and Cameron was happy to get down. Until he got his costume tail caught and he was now hanging from the tree. Yup, stuck like a little cat. But he did get down and the tree was saved. It even made the paper.CAMERON: (reading a review) This production of Cats should be put to sleep?!?

10Modern Family: Diamond in the Rough

Gloria buys a microphone so she can sing to her unborn baby. Claire and Cameron try to renovate a baseball field so Luke's and Manny's baseball team has a place to play.

11New Year's Eve

Jay had a great idea for New Year's, besides never again eating the grapes Gloria has at midnight and makes a wish. He's taking Gloria, Phil, Claire, Cameron, and Mitchell to Palm Springs to a hotel he used to frequent that had a wonderful New Year's package. The kids? Haley volunteered to take care of them, mainly because she didn't want to go to any parties and hear how awesome college is from her friends. (HALEY: I know it's awesome; that's why I got kicked out!) Phil and Claire were happy to put her in charge. Translation: Alex was in charge, who didn't have any parties to go to and thank you for reminding her. But at least Lily was relieved Alex was in charge. Oh, in case you were wondering, Jay was last at the hotel in Palm Springs around 1974-1975. And the hotel didn't look like it had been upgraded since that time, even though the pictures in the brochure looked beautiful. (The lizard that scared Mitch and Cam was so cute!) Phil and Claire weren't too impressed with their room (at least the TV was from the early 90s), but the bellhop told them there was a secluded hot spring nearby. Claire brightened up at that, since it had been at least a month since she...made weird noises. (Seriously, look at the tape and tell me I'm wrong.) Phil thought it would be rude to ditch her father, but Claire talked him into it, saying she didn't want to hear Cam and Mitch talk about how Lily saved the kid who was choking on his gum. Mitchell and Cameron had a similar idea, given a hot gay nightclub wasn't far from the hotel. And again, the Pritchett in the family was enthusiastic about it, and the one married to the Pritchett was thinking about disappointing Jay. Plus, Cam would have to be the one to fake a stomach cramp. But that beat hearing the same story from Claire about how Luke gives the pediatrician the funniest one-liners. Back at home, Haley wasn't all that up for playing with everybody else. (HALEY: My whole life is a Hunger Game. Why do you think I'm so mean to you?) But Luke had other plans for the evening. Her name was Becca. And Manny was suddenly his wingman to Becca's friend, Joyce. And yes, their introduction went as well as wingman introduction go. It didn't. But Becca had no problem ditching Joyce to go to Luke's room. (LUKE: I didn't clean it for me.) Haley and Alex were confused, to say the least. They didn't think they should go up, but then they wouldn't be doing their job as babysitters. Lily just walking into the house right then would tend to lean towards the latter. Haley and Alex go up to Luke's room, but they try a compromise, saying he had to leave his door open. Which creeps out Luke because he thinks they want to watch him make out with Becca. That round goes to Luke. And Joyce's snotty attitude finally gets Manny ticked off. Even LILY said she was being mean. MANNY: I'm not going to start the New Year with this kind of negativity. By the way, if you're hungry for broccoli later, there's a piece stuck between your teeth. Sure enough, Phil and Claire were telling Luke stories, and it was actually putting Gloria to sleep. Mitch and Cam get even more upset when Claire pulls the fake sickness out before they can. Fortunately, Gloria can't seem to wake up, so Jay takes her up to the room, hoping he can still have some Cherries Jubilee with the family. By the time he gets back, they ditch him. But he'll still take the Cherries Jubilee. Of course, this being a sitcom, the people who did the ditching always get karmic payback. Cam and Mitch make it to the Beacon, where they can't get waited on by the bartender, they're the only ones who are wearing shirts, and get hit in the face by some underwear while they were dancing. And not dry underwear, either. Phil and Claire finally figure out the bellhop was a bit crazy but that didn't help Claire, who bemoaned the fact it had been over a month since they had sex. CLAIRE: Day after Thanksgiving. I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts and you know how that gets me going. PHIL: Ah, yeah. I remember. And then I made that joke about your clothes were half off. CLAIRE: And yet, we still did it! Claire was losing it. She didn't want them to turn into a couple where they have twin beds and he starts calling her 'mother' and...that's as far as she got when Phil laid one very hot kiss on her. And they go to find the hot spring to go have sex. And it worked great, until the Nude Year's Eve party going on in the hot spring. (Yes, I spelled that right.) Meanwhile, Jay was ready to call it a night, but Gloria was snoring in the New Year. Thankfully, there was a poker game going on with special guest star as Billy Dee Williams. He was glad there was someone at the poker table that had seen one of his movies that came out after. Actually, Jay enjoyed that one...well Mitchell forced him to watch it. As for Cam and Mitchell, they decided to keep trying until they found a place because they wanted to feel young. And they found a gay bar for the octogenarian crowd. Well, at least they felt young. (OLD MAN: Did anyone ever tell you you look like a young On the good side, Joyce apologized for her behavior and was having a good time with Manny. It sounded more like a therapy session, but whatevs. Joyce thought he was such a good friend for boosting her self-esteem, and Manny was suddenly ticked he ended up in the friend lane. He drops her (cold, dude), and Luke starts having his own problems with Haley and Alex. But give Haley credit; she correctly guessed Becca's parents didn't know there was no adults in the Dunphy house at the moment and got the boot. Luke lashed out at Haley but Alex took Haley's side. Luke storms out, saying he hates her. HALEY: You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me! (click!) I think I owe Mom a huge apology! LILY: (covered in makeup and jewelry) Is anybody watching me? Jay's night was a lot of fun, and he even said so. With Gloria right behind him. Billy Dee Williams introduced himself to Gloria. (GLORIA: Nice to meet you, I'm Gloria Dee Wife.) Despite Jay's excuse everybody ditched him, Gloria needed her dozen grapes for her midnight tradition. Billy offered to take them to his house, since every night was New Year's. Billy actually heard of this tradition since he did that episode of with. Gloria saw Billy's Rolls Royce Corniche. (GLORIA: In my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't consider yourself a drug lord!) Billy let her drive it. Everybody makes the best of the New Year, including Jay, Gloria, and Billy Dee Williams watching the L.A. Fireworks from high above the city. HALEY: New Year's is so weird. The way it makes you think about time. I think that's why people put so much pressure on themselves to have fun. I guess I sort of get it. Like right now, I just wish I could slow down time. Because I am so not ready for him to grow up yet. ALEX: Me, too. I just want him to stay our stupid little brother. They enjoy their drinks as midnight hits. Well, Haley did. Alex wasn't sure what was in her drink, but Haley gave her the wrong drink. Best of all, now everybody had new stories to tell.

12Party Crasher

It's Manny's 14th birthday, and Jay and Gloria are planning a huge surprise party for him, given it'll be the last one where he's an only child. After giving him the brush-off regarding their plans for that night (Jay loves to fool "the little jerk"), they have to pick up everything, including the cake. But since they didn't have time to wait in the huge line at the cake shop (with zero line at the nearby bookstore...Jay says that's why China's kicking our ass), they scam a new mom out of her cake. Mean, but you want to mess with a ready-to-pop Gloria? Haley will meet the rest of the family at the Pritchett abode, one hour later than they were told, according to Claire, since she is going out a date with one of her co-workers at the clothing store, Kenny, who is Phil's age. But apparently, a wicked ponytail and beard and custom jeans for him and Claire (PHIL: It feels like I'm wearing a diaper!) are enough to get him to look the other way. Of course, Claire figures he'd be OK with barely-legal Haley dating a much older man, given Phil's crush on. Well, specifically her role as Hermione Granger. That's what he gets for watching those movies with Luke. Lily is going through a marriage phase, where she wants to have a wedding and marry her daddy. Sure enough, she takes Mitchell to a mock altar all dressed up with wedding rings. Cameron, you might suspect, has issues with that, not made better by him struggling as a music teacher and Mitchell doing well at his law firm. But he does hold to tradition and throw rice...well, rice krispies...to the happy couple, getting Lily in her eye with one. But all was forgiven, and Cameron got to have a wedding of his own...after he bribed Lily with a Barbie electric car and all sorts of other stuff. He gets through the ceremony quickly and goes to the reception line while Lily drives through it...and crashes. (CAMERON: Please do not blame me. We always knew there would be strong possibility she'd be a terrible driver.) While the very late Jay and Gloria crashed out of the parking lot because they lost their ticket, everybody set up for the party at the house, except for Luke who filmed the whole thing and kept harassing Lily, who was now sporting a neck brace to go with her eyepatch. Phil still couldn't see anything wrong with Haley going out with a "mentor." PHIL: When I was 17, I was really close with my friend, Stacy's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader, so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade Ben-Gay that didn't burn, no matter where she rubbed it on me. If I had a chance to go over there, I'd never miss an opportunity. CLAIRE: I think maybe you did. (And Ty, if I didn't want Ed O'Neill to win an Emmy so badly, I'd say submit this scene to the committee.) But Phil was still fine with Haley's choice of dates...until he saw him kissing Haley. Then suddenly he wanted to fight him. (PHIL: I'm gonna fight him up real nice.) Claire was dying to see this, until Mitchell reminded her she dated a guy that old when she used to work at the Cheesecake Factory just to get a rise out of Jay, only he didn't say a word because he knew Claire would dump a guy who smelled like potato skins and said "supposably" in no time at all. Suddenly Claire went to stop Phil, saying Haley was doing this to get back at them. Phil is so conflicted, particularly when Kenny says "nailed it" coming out of the bathroom and demands a high-five. Mitchell confronts Cameron about the problems he was going through at school, but apparently the kids like him. Certainly the ones at Manny's party who serenaded him do. (CAMERON: Yeah, it's been a nightmare. Thank you for assuming I'm terrible at my job.) It turns out, Cameron was enjoying his job so much, he forgot his tradition of dunking a cookie in milk with Lily every day at 2:30. He was not happy about it, to say the least, and he thinks Lily is resenting him for it. But Mitch reminded him Lily isn't a character on and doesn't resent him. When Cameron moves a chaise to pick up a towel and accidentally sends Lily into the pool, she might then. But as Luke's tape proved, Lily calls Mitchell "Dad" and she cried out for "Daddy," what she calls Cameron. So he was happy again. Jay and Gloria finally make it there, and Gloria goes over the plan to surprise Manny by turning the lights out and singing when he turns them on. Alex needs to write it down (sarcasm), but Manny got there earlier than planned. And it turns out Manny had a female friend who wanted to give him an early birthday present. But she wanted to turn the lights on...and screamed. (MANNY: It's harsh, I know! I wanted to put in a better dimmer.) His date ran for the hills, and Manny was completely incensed for ruining his first kiss. But Luke caught it all on tape. Gloria tries to talk to him, but Manny knew kids would make fun of him for a haircut alone. An 8th-grade sex scandal? That would get Gloria's baby to come out. And it was ready to do that. But Gloria felt bad enough about Manny having to share her, now he might have to share a birthday, too. Jay tries to talk to Manny, saying at least Manny can prove he kissed a girl. Kenny certainly wasn't ingratiating himself to Claire or Phil, even admitting he acted more like a 14-year-old than Manny did. He even had a daughter that age. Phil resisting the urge to clip his ponytail with garden shears for running Haley's hand up his leg, Claire tries to keep him at bay. Gloria gets everybody to sing Happy Birthday to Manny, who has finally come out of his room...just in time to see Gloria's water break. (LUKE: And the birthday video becomes a nature film!) But she refused to leave. Jay had to drag her to the car apologizing to Manny the whole way. Everybody else makes it to the hospital in time to hear Gloria screaming. Oh wait, that was from Jay, who was holding Gloria's hand. Gloria was still trying to keep the baby inside until the following day, but Manny told her he had her to himself for 14 years. (JAY: If we had actually forgotten his birthday, he'd be out kissing a cute brunette. Things work out!) Manny knew Gloria loved him and took her hand...and understood why Jay was screaming like a little girl. But now Gloria wanted the baby out. REALLY wanted the baby out. Almost as much as Phil wanted Kenny out from near Haley. (Seriously, he was massaging her thigh. I gotta side with Phil on this one.) But Claire kept playing it out, even giving Haley and Kenny their credit card for dinner at a remote location and a hotel. Phil was being driven mad by this game of chicken Claire was playing (and she was wrong about the iPod), so he goes after them. Haley, on the other hand, returned and freaked out at Claire for letting her get that far with Kenny. She was convinced Phil and her just thought of her as nothing but a disappointment. HALEY: I see the look on his face every day. He acts as if he doesn't want me around! PHIL: (returning in the other elevator and not seeing Haley) Give me the ticket. I'm going after her. This little 'chicken' game may work for your dad but it doesn't work for me! That's my little girl! I need her to know that no guy on Earth is good enough for her, much less a slimy middle-aged jeans salesman! (Haley hugs him) What's this? CLAIRE: Just enjoy it. As for Jay and Gloria... JAY: There's all kinds of milestones in life. The kind you expect to live through...first kiss, birthdays, graduations, if you're lucky a wedding or two, or even a new addition to the family. And then there's the kind you never dream you'd get to live through again. And that's the best kind of all. (to his newborn son) Why am I spoiling it for you? You'll see for yourself. And Gloria thought it was the most painful 20 minutes of her life, much to Claire's disappointment, to say nothing about her being skinny already.

13Fulgencio

Jay loves the fact he brought home a baby, but eventually you wake up to that sound. Yes, the in-laws. Gloria's mother, Pilar and sister were in town, although to Sonia, she may as well have been the evil stepmother from. But it's time for Fulgencio's christening. Fulgencio Umberto Pritchett. Well, that's his name according to Pilar. (JAY: His initials are FU Pritchett!) Neither Jay nor Gloria wanted it, but Gloria sent him in to deal with her mother. And Jay did, then finding out Pilar always hated him. This while brandishing a pistol. Luckily, Manny was there with a crucifix to act as a human shield for Jay. Perhaps Gloria should borrow Manny when Sonia finds out she had an offer for a job in the States and Gloria stole the envelope from her. With Claire running around trying to help with the christening, the kids were upset she couldn't solve any of their problems. Apparently, they don't go to Phil to solve their problems, and he takes offense to this. He figures since he smoothed over a problem with his billboard (by saving the owner's son from falling and getting injured), he can solve anything. Well, it turns out Phil really isn't good with fixing problems. Luke accidentally called one of his teachers mommy and Phil went to what he thought was one of the "cool kids" in school to get them to lay off. (This kid would have looked like a nerd to the guys on ). He then calls his neighbor to thank her for hiring Haley to take care of her car while she was gone; the car Haley crashed into a tree. (thinking she was a guy, BTW) And then he finds the girl Alex said was hosting the same kind of party a week ahead of her and complimented her on her teeth. No, none of that worked. Cameron and Mitchell had problems with Lily. She had taken to being snarky, such as asking Cam and Mitch if they need a Whambulance when they start getting emotional. Thinking it was their fault, they try not to say anything bad about anybody, not even when their friend, Crispin, wants them to insult his boyfriend's bad perm job. But they were trying to lead by example, which got them evicted from his party. The one was at. While Claire was practically inhaling the new baby because they have that great smell when they're newborns (don't ask), she figured out Jay was upset that Pilar hated him no matter how much he tried to do for her. CLAIRE: Doesn't that sound familiar? JAY: Son of a bitch! I'm Phil. Jay decided that was his best course of action. Since he tolerated Phil more when he didn't go overboard getting Jay to like him, he'd do the same with Pilar. He decides he wants a few words before the christening, over the priest's protests. Particularly given Mitchell had some purple underwear hanging out of his pants that Cameron decided he didn't have to tell him about after their fight earlier about who was to blame for Lily's snarkiness. Jay talks about how the birth of his new son being the best thing that ever happened to him. CLAIRE: (to a depressed Mitchell) I bet that feels good, huh? Jay tells about how he met Gloria in a diner while getting his car washed and waxed. He sent over a piece of pie, and Gloria comes over to talk to him a few minutes later. But it turns out he originally sent the pie to her friend, who was in the bathroom and missed it. Yes, I'm sure you figured out by now that Jay originally gave that pie to Sonia. Phil thought this simple twist of fate was funny, but Gloria and Sonia? Not so much. Sonia attacks Gloria (this time, Phil's got Sonia). They get out of the line of fire, and Sonia demands to get out of Colombia. They just had a flood and lost a boat. And Sonia would be there should "anything" happen to Gloria. Gloria says Pilar can come live with them, which Jay nixes immediately because Pilar hates him and is armed. Oh, and the fight continues between Phil and the kids, but Claire tells them to stop being so dramatic before she calls a Whambulance. Oh, THAT'S where Lily got that. Claire's been driving her to dance class all week. Jay gets everyone to be quiet. ("We're in a house of GOD, dammit!") He tells Pilar off about her martyr act, given she's been keeping Sonia under her thumb. But he points out Pilar's afraid to go on with her life and should go find happiness. JAY: I don't think I knew what happiness was until I turned 60! MITCHELL: (bad timing again) And the hits just keep coming. Jay said Pilar could visit any time she wanted (within reason), and Jay would help Sonia get her own place. He even offered to send Manny to visit Pilar...but he wouldn't be a priest because he likes girls. (JAY: He can't get them, but he likes them.) And now it was time for the christening. Phil and Claire were the Godparents and thus had to reject Satan and all his works and empty promises. Which Phil willingly did...right after Luke, driven around by Dylan, who had also tried to help Haley with the car moving, shot the balloons blocking his billboard, ruined the neighbors camper, and sent Alex's rats into the other 60s party to spoil it. And put a zebra's head into the bed of the kid who spread the rumors about Luke. But they agreed to call the baby Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett. GLORIA: (whispers) Thank you, Jay. JAY: We are never going to call him that. Claire was happy, although a bit suspicious, all of the kids' problems were solved without her help. PHIL: (recently made by Vito Corleone) Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire. And Luke shuts the door in her face!

14A Slight at the Opera

Everyone is up in arms. Claire agrees to take care of Joseph (I'm with Jay; he ain't Fulgencio) while Jay tries (emphasis on tried) to teach Phil how to play golf so he can be more client-friendly. Also, it will help Jay to learn patience, something Gloria says he needs when taking care of a newborn. Meanwhile, Cameron's class is doing and Luke can't get anybody to attend to see the scenery he painted, although Manny wants to step in for the lead, who's gotten sick, probably from chewing on the scenery, according to Manny but it turns out the kid has mono. Cam's panicking because he's afraid his funding will be cut. That is, until one of the kids makes fun of Luke's work on the scenery which prompts Luke to prove he can sing better than the kid with mono. And he can...really, really well. Cam has his Phantom, much to Manny's chagrin. CAMERON: He knows the music, he sings like a nightingale, and he has a theatrical madness in his eyes you just can't teach. MANNY: That's from all the paint. Of course, Manny still wants the role, so he offers to tell Luke the good news. He decides to try the ol' reverse psychology on Luke, saying he can do the role and won't screw everything up and get mocked by all the cool kids. He's one of them now: the theater geeks. Manny's plan works. Luke turns down Cam's offer to play the lead, right in front of the school's theater critic. However, Cameron soldiers on with Manny suggesting that he play the role, which Cameron accepts, because he was about to play the part himself. Mitchell catches up to Jay and Phil on the golf course, accompanied by Pepper. It turns out to be by design as Mitch has spent six months getting golf lessons from Pepper just so he can show up Jay, who never thought his son could be good at sports. Mitchell should demand his money back from Pepper because all his lessons did was teach Mitchell how to drive his club into the ground. While Claire obsesses over almost tripping and falling on one of Phil's golf balls, Haley and Dylan have taken it upon themselves to babysit Lily and Joseph. Actually, Dylan's taking care of both of them and doing a really good job, feeding Joseph his bottle and teaching Lily how to play guitar. Haley even made Lily her favorite lunch. In fact, things will go even more smoothly once Claire leaves them alone. (DYLAN: Good, she's gone. Get your camera and I'm going to make his little hand flip us off again.) Gloria has to get a bunch of things ready for the musical. Translation, she makes Alex carry a heavy cooler of dry ice because she just had a baby. (ALEX: Really? I've watched you carry Manny to bed.) But Gloria has enough time to go see her psychic, which naturally made Alex want to chortle if she could chortle while carrying a heavy cooler of dry ice because Gloria just had a baby. Gloria convinces her to go to her psychic. Alex is naturally skeptical, and Gloria explains to the psychic that Alex doesn't have a boyfriend. PSYCHIC: But she will soon. ALEX: (shushing Gloria) Go on. Alex tries to prove the psychic's a fake, so she makes up a few lines to respond to the psychic to make it sound like she's being convinced. Like she was going to a renaissance faire after the psychic saw her boyfriend on a horse. Gloria's loving it, so Alex keeps feeding the psychic false information. ALEX: It's like Scrabble with Haley. After awhile, you're just playing against yourself. On the golf course, Mitchell is doing horribly, and Pepper gives him a good slap. Pepper is sick and tired of Mitchell holding back. (PEPPER: That man has been Mitch-slapping you all of your life.) It's time to get angry and aggressive. It certainly works for Phil, who gets read the riot act by Jay, who has had enough of his horrible play. And like so many bad golfers, when they're angry enough, they make a great shot. Jay apologizes for yelling at him but Phil wants him to keep it up, just like his old tumbling instructor in college used to. So Jay gives him both barrels (which makes Phil cry) but Pepper said Jay was talking to ten-year-old and twelve-year-old Mitch as well. He gets mad, hits the shot, and has the same result. MITCHELL: (to the shot) Suck it, Nancy! PEPPER: I was just trying to help. Claire's obsession with tripping and falling is starting to get in the way of Dylan successfully putting Joseph to bed. Haley has thoughts of starting her own family, and Claire thinks she'll put a stop to that by making a lot of noise to make Joseph wake up and cry. It doesn't work. Not even by trying to set off the smoke detector, which Lily busts her on, no less. However, it turns out Haley thought she did all the work today and Dylan takes exception to that. He goes home, Haley goes to her room, and Claire's successful in setting off the smoke detector and getting Joseph to cry just in time for her to take care of him all by herself. Back on the course, it's down to the final hole, and Mitchell needs to sink a putt to win the match. Phil likes what Jay has done for him, given that his own father was often too supportive. (PHIL: He even set up my tumbling equipment and wanted to be the loudest voice in the crowd. "Hey everybody! Check out my son's equipment!") Jay wishes Mitchell good luck and says he's proud of him no matter what, but Pepper puts a stop to that. Jay's Cats in the Cradle -ing him, trying to get Mitch to lose his angry edge. Pepper did the same thing to his Navy SEAL son but not to worry, Mitchell drops that putt in the bottom of the cup. Jay congratulates him and Mitchell believes him when Jay says that he wasn't Cats in the Cradle -ing him. Jay hates the song, natch, but Phil's never even heard it so Pepper plays it for them, and the waterworks start. Mitch admits he ought to have golfed with Jay sooner, and Jay admits that he never made the time, and Phil's so upset about not going to Luke's play, he skips golfing with his client and runs to the school. Manny's singing is...not good but since there's no time, Cameron plays Luke's performance and tells him to copy it. Manny admits Luke can sing, so he talks Luke into performing. Alex ends up with a bit of karmic retribution, because a cute guy sits next to her wearing a school sweater with a knight on it. Phil and Claire are wonderfully surprised to see Luke on stage. Phil even cries, partly because his father comes to see the performance. The episode ends on a happy note as it turns that Phil's client loves trampolines as much as Phil does, so he still gets the commission.

15Heart Broken

It's Valentine's Day and love is in the air. For Phil and Claire, that can only mean one thing: time for Clive and Juliana. Actually, they're celebrating a day early so they can babysit Joe for Jay and Gloria so they can get back to doing what couples do six weeks after having a baby. (PHIL: I can only imagine what Jay's going through.) Phil even tied a cherry stem with his tongue (which I assume turns women on the same way women doing that turns men on). They're ready for a big night. So big in fact, Juliana starts spinning. And faints. And is not answering Clive. Nor is Claire. It turns out, Claire had an issue with her heart. Phil blames himself for being too sexy, but the doctor is certain that wasn't it. Phil wasn't. Anyway, she had Wolf-Parkinson-White Syndrome, a heart arrythmia that is hereditary. The doctor suggested rest for a few days. Phil suggest cancelling the babysitting, but Claire didn't want Jay and Gloria to make a big deal of it. In fact, she dressed up in a skimpy iceskating outfit because Phil promised her a few laps on the ice. Phil thought the doctor said she should take it easy, but Claire thought that was something doctors always said...like not drinking when you're pregnant. Phil suggested an in-home couples massage, since stress from sex might not set her off, but the kids coming home with a bunch of their friends because they assumed Phil and Claire were out might do it. Phil, I have to admit, did a very good imitation of Claire, particularly when he found out Haley, Luke, and even Alex were in on it and it wasn't the first time. (PHIL: Everybody whom I did not create, get out of my house right now!) The kids demanded answers, and Phil's policy of honestly made them panic. It went from Mom had a heart problem to almost dying of a heart attack in three sentences. Phil says she just had an episode...probably caused by him...and she needed to rest. Phil assured them everything was normal. PHIL: And if two Cambodian guys show up, send them to our bedroom. Claire, not ready to give up on having sex, convinces Phil to get into bed. They get interrupted by the kids, who were worried sick. Then Phil got up to see Claire covered in blood. It was from Phil's nosebleed but try telling the kids that. Claire was livid for the kids knowing. CLAIRE: The one thing I asked from you is not to make a big deal of this and you couldn't even do that! We are fine! We are all fine. (Alex faints) Haley, revive your sister. Phil was mad as hell for not only Claire being nonchalant about it, but the fact that she knew she had this condition inherited from her mother and she never told him in twenty years. Phil wants to be able to take care of her for once. PHIL: This house isn't going to collapse into dust if you let yourself be vulnerable. CLAIRE: We don't know that. Gloria decided she wanted a little early action with Jay, despite Jay having an early meeting and Manny coming in to declare his favorite holiday. ("It's the one day of the year where the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time. Good luck, world.") He promises to be back in two hours to continue their 'conversation', only he got a ticket for running a red light and Joe is being a real Pritchett. (JAY: We've gotta come up with a better term for that.) That being the baby cried whenever Gloria tried to put him down. But Jay had the magic touch and Gloria was all over him. Oh, did we mention Lily was over because Cameron and Mitchell were having a party? LILY: Are you two kissing? JAY: Bit of a mood killer. LILY: My daddies kiss a lot. JAY:...and flatlined. Jay had the same solution our dad had: the TV remote. (Well, we didn't have a remote; he just kicked out out of wherever he was and let us have the TV. That didn't work so well with all those Irish-Catholic kids.) But Jay didn't have a chance because the guy was over to babyproof the house. Jay decided he'd help and towed in a huge box to get those foam bumpers and cabinet locks in place, wondering why he needed all of this stuff when he used to let Mitch and Claire ride on the hood of his car to the supermarket. But Jay in a suit with his take-charge, blue-collar, get-it-done attitude was really turning Gloria on. GLORIA: (horny as hell) And the drilling...all the drilling. But the gate at the stairs does work. Lily proved that. And Manny comes home to get dressed for a Valentine's party a secret admirer invited him to. Jay wants him to keep his clothes-changing under a half-hour. (MANNY: You're funny.) Jay became suspicious when the 'secret admirer' wanted Manny to wear a fedora and bring poetry to recite. Jay suspects Manny will be humiliated at a party the popular kids were throwing. Gloria's very revealing outfit entices him upstairs (tearing the gate off in the process), but Jay felt guilty about letting Manny go to the party without warning him. Gloria was equally concerned because Manny told her the same things, but they couldn't protect him from everything. JAY: That's the hardest part. When you realize you can't stop the world from hurting them. Gloria offers to get some champagne. Which she used as an excuse to check on Manny, while Jay used that as an excuse to check on Claire and offered to take her to the doctor. The good news is, best Valentine's Day ever for Manny, but Jay wanted to get to his bedroom first so Manny could tell both of them at the same time. Mitchell and Cameron threw a Lonely Hearts party for their single friends as a goodwill gesture because Cam felt they were always waving their love in their friends' faces. (MITCHELL: There's got to be a better way to say that.) Well, the party got going...then it REALLY got going when Mitch decided to hit the booze to prove to Cam he could be "party fun" as much as "stay at home fun." Well, he got a little tipsy. Like tipsy. And their cat was now pink. (Could have been worse; remember Mr. Bigglesworth?) To his credit, he helped take Bert and Dottie Winchell's Christmas decorations down...and put them in their house. And Pepper and Longiness were as hammered, as Prancer became the belle of the ball according to the pictures on his phone. (MITCH: No surprise there. Oh, and you must be Vixen.) Cameron was upset, but Mitchell insisted he didn't do anything that couldn't be undone...except for letting Dylan move in with them. They don't want him to stay, but if you guessed that Dylan's mother kicked him out of the house for her new boyfriend on the same day he loses his limo driver job and Haley goes to a party without him, then you must be one of the writers. (Yes, there was crying, too.) And there was a song. About the house with the tiny pink panther. But give Dylan credit; in the time it took them to wash the cat of her cherry Kool-Aid dye job, Dylan had cleaned the house to within an inch of its life. This was actually enough to convince Cameron to let him stay for a while. That, and Dylan breaking his arm falling off the roof when he put the reindeer up there by mistake. But Mitchell was drunk when he invited him and Cameron was sober, so now he had to fix it. Or just wait for Lily to do it for them. Mitchell was still upset that Cameron didn't think he was fun, and Cam apologized. They needed to shoot for a happy medium. Mitchell had an idea about that he heard from somewhere, which involved a bar and a guy named Clive. (so that made Mitch Juliana? OK, whatever floats your boat.)

16Bad Hair Day

Phil and Claire had very exciting days ahead of them, albeit for different reasons. Claire was heading for her college reunion without Phil, which meant she could reconnect with a few old flames. And Phil was going to join Jay on his bowling team. He even broke in his new bowling shoes...by slipping and falling a lot. As Cameron readied the house for their Oscar party with all sorts of pictures of Lily dressed as Oscar winners, Mitchell was borrowing a few items from Gloria. She then found out from Jay he had his second-place prize from the bowling tournament last year: a spa car that expired that day. Well, one rolled ankle later, and she had managed to guilt Mitchell into taking care of baby Joe. Which worked just fine for Cam, since Lily was clearly too lazy to pose for any more pictures...after six hours. Jay had a bit of a crisis, since he really wanted to win the tournament vs. his big rival, Closets Closets Closets Closets. (4, not five. Like the clapping in the theme to.) But with Gloria "at the doctor," he had to deal with Manny being depressed about losing a third singing audition. Jay didn't want to deal with it very long, particularly given how long Manny decided to shop to get out of his depression, so he stuck Manny on the bus to take him home. But then he felt guilty and chased after the bus, demanding Manny sing because Manny's only problem was singing in front of other people. So at Jay's demand, Manny was able to serenade the entire bus with some That's Life from and Manny killed it. Phil, having found out he was replaced on the bowling team, got depressed and decided to join Claire at her college reunion. A bit of a mistake because he ran into Tater, who had quite the crush on Claire in college. Much to Phil's surprise. He kept marking his territory around Tater. (PHIL: She saw, she liked, she got pregant, she had to marry me.) Only then he realized that wasn't who Claire dated in college right before him. She called him Tater because she Heimliched him when he choked on a tater tot. It was Professor Cook whom Phil had to watch out for. And sure enough, he tried to impress Professor Cook with his knowledge of the Impressionists. (PHIL: You can see the influence of the early Impressionists, the 's, the 's on the 's of today.) But the party in Professor Cook's living room, which doubled as a study...and a bedroom...and came complete with an alcoholic ex-student for a wife...put everything in perspective for both Claire and Phil. Claire never felt better she married Phil, and Phil was glad there were no more ex-boyfriends he had to worry about. As far as he knew. Mitchell and Cameron returned home with baby Joe and a big problem. Lily glued one of his wigs onto his head. Steaming it off didn't work, nor did Cameron's Plan B. Or Plan Bieber, as it were. So Plan C it was: drop the baby off with a horrible haircut and run like hell. (CAMERON: You could have let me do it; I have 32 hours of Vidal Sassoon training. I left over creative differences.) Delayed by Jay's bowling triumph, Mitchell offered to join Cam in Missouri for a week (TEN DAYS!) if he took the fall for them. Before Cam can fess up (or at least pretend Gloria broke his chafing dish), Gloria had a bone to pick with Luke, who kept leaving things out. Cam traded the solo into the musical for Manny for the baby's hair, who then traded the blame to Luke in order to get the signature on a failing grade forged. But when Luke would get in trouble for eating the last piece of cake that Gloria's mother sent from Colombia, he blackmailed Jay for having a ringer on his bowling team. Amazingly, Jay had the perfect excuse. He cut baby Joe's hair just like his own father used to cut his hair but he screwed it up. Gloria was happy someone had the guts to admit the truth as she shooed everybody out of the house, and pulled a Keyser Soze at the end of. BTW, the bowling shoes? Apparently only Phil can slip and fall in them. Alex couldn't, Haley couldn't, and Luke...well, he could.

17Best Men

There is something to be said about the look of new contact paper in the cupboards. Mitchell and Cameron can certainly attest to that. They could also attest to their party-days friend, Sal, remaining that way. (Did you know 's IMDb number is 6969? I'm hoping that's coincidence.) But they were wrong; she was getting married and wanted Mitch and Cam to be her best men. This Friday. A bit soon, but Cam still thought there was still enough time to work on her hair and get her dress. (MITCHELL: Cam has never been a best man before, you can tell.) Manny's been having problems at school, specifically in art class. He has a bit of an obsession with the female form, particularly breasts, to the point where other parents are complaining. Gloria, however, is furious because they have Internet filters on the computer, and she already threw out Jay's dirty magazines. (JAY: I have no idea what you're talking about.) Gloria had no idea where Manny had gotten this obsession from...until she looked down. And she figured out the reason for it. (well, technically, there were two reasons for it.) Except those two reasons were actually on Dalia, the new nanny. The one Gloria hated because her mother raised six kids and had a job and would be ashamed they had a nanny. (JAY: I don't see a lot of shame from your mom when she's cashing my checks every month.) Alex headed off to her cello lesson on her own, since Phil and Claire weren't even trying to come up with excuses anymore. But Claire was excited that Haley complimented her shoes and accepted an invitation to dinner. She thought it was like sending them into space. She could stay in constant contact with them until they were teenagers and went around to the dark side of the moon. She just had to wait until they got older and communication picked up again. (Phil gave her that...and didn't let her forget it.) So that left Phil with Luke, who was trying to talk to a girl on Facebook but was failing miserably. Phil couldn't see the problem and gave him some help. (PHIL: Please, you're in the hands of a master. I think I know how to pick up a 14-year old girl...for you.) But Phil knew his stuff and Luke had himself a dinner date in an hour. Which made him panic and use the Axe body spray all over the place. But he wanted to hurry before it wore off. (PHIL: I think we have a few days.) Mitchell, Cameron, and Sal had a few drinks to celebrate, and the guys were happy they had a couple to do couple things with now. Sal...wasn't so excited about that. Cam thinks she really has changed, but Mitch thinks her making out with the bartender might be a sign she hasn't. Meanwhile, Luke and Simone met up at the restaurant, but Luke was still very nervous. (LUKE: This is my dad. Dad, this is Luke.) But it turns out that wasn't the most awkard moment of the evening. While Phil kept an eye out from a distance, Simone's mother introduced herself to Phil, having recognized him from hosting the school talent show. It turns out Valerie did the same thing for Simone Phil did for Luke. (PHIL: Does this make it OUR date?) And Valerie was liking it. This while Haley walked into the restaurant and instantly ditched Claire when one of her friends showed up, leaving Claire to watch Alex's band, Electric Light Dorkestra. Cameron was upset that Sal was waffling so badly about marriage, despite the fact she decided to still go through with it. Of course, he was the Best Man, and it would be hard to have a ceremony without the rings. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria tried to have a night out on the town, but Gloria worried about being away from Joe and she was upset she wasn't there to run Manny's bath. Of course, that was the sort of thing Jay said Manny had to get away from, given what was written in his journals. Then he saw Dalia's name in them and they rushed home to stop Manny from hitting on Dalia. (JAY: This isn't a nude descending a staircase; this is a nude VACUUMING a staircase!) And that was Manny's plane, Which he did complete with a single red rose and an entire romantic dinner. Yup, it was as awkward as it sounds. Although to her credit, she played it out and thought it was sweet. But Manny was adamant he was in love with her and was crushed when she turned him down. And woke the baby when he slammed his bedroom door, so both Gloria and Dalia had work to do. On the good side (or sides, so to speak), Haley came back to Claire out of guilt, but Claire was upset Haley didn't come back because she wanted to be there. HALEY: You are being really need right now. Oh, my God! Are you going through 'the change'? CLAIRE: Stop saying that every time I express an emotion! And I'm not. It's just so hot in here. Claire confessed she was hoping Haley was coming around again and she could be part of her life. But for now, they sat back and enjoyed Alex's band. Who were not playing classical music. In fact, they were pretty damn good. Alex could even sing. (backup vocals to a guy who looks like Harry Potter, but still...) Neither of them were happy that Alex blew them off to go out with the band, however. Phil finally got through to Valerie that he was married, only she was upset he was flirting with her. Which he denied, despite making the "this is our date" joke. And she got upset and he got flustered when he demonstrated how she touched his arm and she turned her breast into his hand. (PHIL: I am so sorry for touching your hand with my boob! I mean my boob with your hand!) She thinks he's playing a game...and her minivan is right outside. But the evening was over. On the good side for Luke, Valerie not wanting Simone to go out with Luke anymore make Simone like him even more. It was a rebellious thing. PHIL: Never be afraid to go after a girl who's out of your league. That's how I got your mom. Yup, grandpa wasn't always as crazy about me as he is now. Give Sal credit: she apologized to Lily for not inviting her to the wedding, but Lily figured she'll go to her next one. SAL: I don't like you. LILY: I'll get over it. Both Cam and Mitch were on high alert as Sal said her vows with her new groom. She told him she was terrified of marriage and then she told him the story of how Cam and Mitch were up late at night putting contact paper in their cupboards and that they didn't want to be anywhere else...and she got how wonderful that could be, especially when she saw his face. And he admitted going out with a stripper the prior evening...and she admitted making out with the bartender. But

18The Wow Factor

Lots to do around the Dunphy-Pritchett houses. Claire and Cameron are working on the house they plan to flip, Phil wants to teach Alex and Haley how to be independent, Mitchell wants to help Lily with a bully at school...with Luke's help, and Jay and Gloria have to figure out who will hang out with whom when they split up parenting duties for Manny and Joseph. (I'm taking these one at a time because going back and forth will just be confusing.) Claire and Cameron get along just fine when it comes to remodeling. Of course, each has a strategy for dealing with the other. Cam always shows Claire something insane first before "negotiating down" to the thing he really wanted, and Claire confuses Cam with a lot of numbers. Of course, this doesn't last long, so they need to bring in a third party when Cam wants to build a huge fountain (with a fire background). Pam, who's son plays with Lily, was a contractor, and despite the fact she hated Cameron and had the hots for Claire (damn she looked good in that shirt), offered a neutral opinion. The fountain was too much for someone who was just flipping a house. But Cam wouldn't hear the end of it, so he built a fountain with musically-timed waterspouts. Claire and Pam were quite impressed. They even loved the little goldfish he added. And if you're thinking you shouldn't put goldfish in the same water with a large pump, you would be correct. Phil was alarmed at how little Alex and Haley knew about doing maintenance in the house. (Alex not knowing how to use a broom? Really?) So the day was a little lesson for the two courtesy of Dad. He showed them how to replace a burned-out light bulb (which later fell on him), and he even showed what to do if the hot water heater wasn't working. However, the pilot light wouldn't start up for him and he sent them on their way to get a torque screwdriver. He had a method to his madness: he could then Skype his father, who stepped him through the process of fixing the heater. Of course, hearing how glad his father was when he called because it made him feel needed, Phil figured he'd let the girls slide because then they would always need him. Lily and the other kids were getting bullied quite a bit on the handball court at their school. (the outdoor kind, with a dodgeball...the school isn't THAT fancy) Mitchell wanted to help with the bully, so he took the little boy on in handball...and got so humiliated, Lily refused to acknowledge him as her father. It turns out Luke was quite the handball player, so Mitchell decided to get some lessons from him. Despite Luke making look like, Mitchell came back to challenge the bully, saying he couldn't stay on the court if he beat him. Mitchell did defeat him, trash talking the entire way. To a five-year-old. And now Cam will have to drive Lily to school every day. Jay and Gloria had to divide parenting duties for the day. Jay figured he'd take Joe and 'convince' Gloria that she needed some bonding time with Manny because he was feeling left out with a younger brother around. The fact that Manny wanted to go to a reading of Moby Dick had NO effect on this plan whatsoever. However, Joe was crying only 20 minutes into it, but Jay took Joe to his playtime date anyway. However, with Joe being completely asleep and Jay not wanting to waste $50 on a "hippie with a puppet" when Joe would never see it, he instead took Joe to bond. James Bond, that is. Jay took Joe to see thinking he wouldn't wake up. But of course, like every Bond villain, he gave too much of the plot away and Joe woke up. Thankfully, an old friend of Claire's happened to be there and didn't want to be in the theater...once has his shirt back on...and offered to calm Joe outside the theater. Just in time for Gloria and Manny to pass by. Needless to say, Gloria was absolutely livid with Jay, and no amount of promising to take Manny to the Moby Dick reading the next day would make up for it. But Manny blew the whistle on her, saying she told him the reading was sold out and they went shopping instead. The reading wasn't sold out. But Jay definitely made up for it by reading the book to both Manny and Joe.

19The Future Dunphys

After Claire's heart scare a few weeks back, she had to go in for an angiogram to prevent future heart attacks. Step 1, don't let Phil tell the kids what to do. Letting Haley quit her job when she just got more responsibility, telling Alex she can study for her PSAT's all she wants during Spring Break (yikes!), and helping Luke set the toaster on fire when he tries to improve on it are not good for her heart. Meanwhile Manny, not wanting to be in public school much longer, had an interview at Dryden Academy, an ultra-rich prep school that made Jay harken back to his days when he did coat check at a country club when the snooty rich kids would just throw their coats at him like he was a dirtbag. He even had a scar near his eye he told everyone else was from the war was really a toggle from a Burberry coat. (JAY: Still not sure there isn't a piece still in there.) Cameron and Mitchell decided Lily needed a "girl's day", especially since Lily was asking a lot of questions about the female body and complaining she didn't have boobs. (MITCHELL: We decided to call in the big guns.) Yup, even Mitchell can make a joke like that about Gloria. :-D But Gloria was quite excited about it; Lily and her would go shopping, get their nails done, and get a haircut. It was a big day in store because Gloria promised Lily she could ask any question she wanted. LILY: Did you know I'm gay? (back to the house) Claire waited in the hospital, and in the next bed was an older man, Norman, who was in for a triple-bypass. He agreed with Phil that you have to let kids be who they are...until he was visited by his three children: a four-time divorced airhead, a straitlaced archivist who lives with a cat, and a dim guy who was out on parole. Both Phil and Claire couldn't miss the parallels to their own kids and separately freaked out. Phil went out to use the phone, and Claire got to hear that none of Norman's kids wanted to stay around to hear from their overly-bossy mother. And now Claire had her phone out. Phil changed his mind and told Haley not to quit her job and Alex will go on that trip with her friend. Claire also called, telling Alex she could study if she wants and Haley can get another job...but she loved all of them. Of course, the kids are all in the same room when this happens and come to the same conclusion: Mom's in worse shape than they led on. Or they've been kidnapped. Well, Luke thinks it's that. Gloria, Cam, and Mitch tried to figure out why Lily thought she was gay. Although Cam thought it was possible because he knew he was gay by his fifth birthday. (MITCHELL: EVERYBODY knew when you were five.) But they were worried. MITCHELL: She is not gay. It's probably just a phase. (realizes) Oh my God, did I just say that? Do not tell anyone I just said that! Lily said one of her classmate's parents were Italian, so he was Italian. And since Mitch and Cam were gay, then she was. They explain to her being gay is not a heritage. They tell her she's Vietnamese, and she wants to know more. Unfortunately, none of them knew anything about Vietnam. (Nobody does, and that's sad.) They decided to take Lily to a Vietnamese restaurant so she could try some of the food and meet a few Vietnamese people. At Dryden Academy, Jay and Manny are walking around, Jay a bit more derisively since all he saw were the little snotty punks he used to see forty years ago. One even threw a coat at him. But he was supposed to wear the coat like all of the other parents. He finally broke down and admitted it: he was jealous of the rich kids, even today. Suddenly, he loved the campus and wanted Manny to do well on his interview. In fact, he put so much pressure on Manny to succeed, naturally Manny gets stage fright and doesn't get in. Manny was all depressed because he thought this was his best chance for Jay to be proud of him, but Jay apologized, saying he is always proud of Manny. Even when he forgot to return the headmaster's mobile phone after betting he could fit it into his mouth. As a freaked out Haley, Alex, and Manny rush to the hospital, only to find out Claire was OK and yell at their parents for making a big deal out of nothing (again!), Lily wasn't really enjoying the Vietnamese restaurant. She wanted a cheeseburger, but everybody wanted her to enjoy a soup called Pho. (LILY: You told me not to say that word.) But not even the Vietnamese waitress could convince her. (LILY: I HATE Vietnam!) The patrons in the restaurant aside, Gloria said she needed to enjoy the culture of her ancestors, but Lily was adamant she was gay. And came out to the entire restaurant. MITCHELL: Honey, you're not gay. You're just confused. (oops) Oh my God! What is wrong with me? Mitchell and Cameron are ready to give up, but Gloria wasn't. (GLORIA: That's the problem with this country! Nobody cares about where they come from anymore! They just want cheeseburgers and prep school and forget they come from Colombia!) OK, part of that might have been Manny forgetting some of his Spanish from earlier, but the point was clearly made. Gloria was afraid she was losing her children to America. GLORIA: I'm just afraid they're going to grow up and become boring old white people. (As two boring old white people go by) CAMERON: (apologetic) Uh, most of our friends are white. (as two black people go by) OK, can everybody just calm down and go back to their own conversations? Gloria was upset for feeling so different from the rest of her family, which is exactly what Lily was feeling. Hence claiming she was gay; so she could be more like her dads. But the guys explained to both of them that a family is a group of people who love each other, not because they come from the same place. (CAMERON: You know, you just caused a scene in a restaurant, and you can't get any more like your daddies than that.) Gloria feels better and even contemplated taking Manny and Joe to Colombia for the summer. Mitchell agrees, saying all of us need to get more in touch with our culture. CAMERON: Absolutely! I think we'd all be better off if people would go back to where they came from! MITCHELL: (awkward) I'll...go pull the car around. But on the good side, Phil and Luke did successfully combine batter and unpopped popcorn kernels to make the first popcake. Or flipjack, that sounds better.

20Flip Flop

The family celebrates Claire and Cameron finishing their house and they're ready to sell. Champagne for everyone, and two for Haley. At least she tries to get a second glass but to no avail. Of course, with Phil's expertise in real estate, there was only one thing to do. That's right, let Gil Thorpe sell it. However, he comes in with an offer that barely turned a profit for Claire and Cameron, so they pass. And two months goes by. Yet Mitchell has kept his tongue in check. He had been desperate to give his sister and partner a big "I told you so." (MITCHELL: My sister, my partner! My sister, my partner! Kind of doing a thing there.) Gloria was mad as hell because her ex, Javier, took Manny out with his latest girlfriend, whom she figured was a stripper or a cocktail waitress. And Jay making wisecracks didn't help. But she was neither. Trish was a PhD who ran the art and antiquities section at Christie's. Javier met her when he sold a painting he won in a poker game and they had been together ever since. Given how cultured she was, Manny was naturally quite smitten with her. Now Gloria was wishing Trish was a cocktail waitress or a stripper. Gil Thorpe's offers for the house continued to get smaller and smaller the longer it was on the market, and Phil was running out of potential buyers. Luke said a friend of his was looking for a house. Everybody dismissed this...until they found out he was talking about the guy who volunteered in the computer department at their school and was loaded for bear. (He even drove a nicer car than Phil.) It was desperation time, so they really had to put the hard sell on Zack. How do they do it? Haley does by doing some research online and finding out Zack likes Indian food, the Chicago Blackhawks, kickboxing,, his dog, Otis, and beer. PHIL: She's like CAMERON: With cuter hair. HALEY: STOP TALKING! MITCHELL: She really is. He also likes meditating, old-school funk and girls who wear black tights. Not a problem for the crew. One doggie door, a Blackhakws banner, Indian takeout, and some 80s music later, they were ready. And Haley even dropped by the house in black tights. (She was hoping to go out with him.) Gloria wasn't liking Manny kissing up to Trish but even Jay was now, showing off Barkley, his dog butler, and Trish not hating it was making it worse. They decided to play charades, but with an odd number of people, who would be stuck with Gloria? Everybody else did great, but Gloria couldn't handle not being as cultured as Trish and stormed out. Jay talked her down, reminding her she loved Manny so much, she pretty much ruined any chance he had of dating. And given Javier's track record, Trish was going to get dumped in a week anyway. Or so they thought. Javier asked for the engagement ring back he gave to Gloria so he could propose to Trish and give it to her. Only the ring was way too small for her finger. That and the fact that she couldn't marry him. She storms off and locks herself in Manny's bedroom. ("I thought it was the bathroom. I smelled potpourri.") Zack comes by the house and is loving the features of the place. He was happy to hear an Indian restaurant was within walking distance, there was plenty of beer, and he liked the music. He even liked the doggie door, and Cameron assured him Otis would love it. Oops. Zack started to wonder how they knew all of this, and finding out what they did really freaked him out. Although that didn't stop Haley from promising to take him out for his birthday. Zack ran for the hills, especially given you really couldn't see the building where they shot from the house, and everybody was embarrassed for what they did. They decided to just take the best offer from Gil Thorpe, who just happened to stop by. Only Phil told him Cameron and Mitchell were the potential buyers. Which Cam and Mitch didn't exactly correct him on. (THORPE: Dammit! Gays! They've come to play.) Gil couldn't compete with a gay couple, so he told Phil he had a buyer lined up with a great offer, but Phil lets him hang and makes him up the offer so Claire and Cam got everything back and then some. Javier demanded Trish come out of Manny's bedroom or he'd break down the door, which Jay wasn't having. But Gloria decided to talk to her, thinking she could send Trish packing. As it turns out, she already had. Manny couldn't stop talking about how much he loved his mother, and Trish couldn't get handle how gorgeous Gloria was, especially just two months after having a baby. TRISH: I ate half of a granola bar for lunch and I can't button my pants! I can't cook and I'm only average in bed! And I will never...NEVER...live up to the great GLORIA!! GLORIA: (hugs her) Welcome to the family!

21Career Day

Lily lost her first tooth, so it was time for Mitchell and Cameron to play Tooth Fairy. Of course, it would help if Lily would actually sleep. But she even had a butterfly net at the ready. (LILY: I've got nowhere to be.) But the Tooth Fairy did arrive complete with a glitter-filled envelope (much to Mitchell's consternation) and a hundred-dollar bill. Which Cam accidentally put in there. So now they have to convince Lily to give back the money. They even go so far as having the Tooth Fairy pay a visit...played by Haley in a pink costume and wings. (spilling more glitter to Mitchell's annoyance) Lily isn't fooled, but Haley tells her she played her cards right. She may never get another visit from Santa, but she stuck to her guns about the money. Lily didn't need presents under the tree, she could buy a scooter with her $100. It worked like a charm, and Haley merely asked if she could borrow the pink fairy costume. (HALEY: I can't tell you why.) It was Career Day at Luke and Manny's school. Naturally, Phil was ecstatic. He even had a cutout sign where the kids could take pictures. (PHIL: I just thought I'd give the kids a chance to put their face on my body...eww, I just heard it too.) Haley and Alex somehow managed to avoid Phil at their Career Day. (HALEY: Cutbacks. ALEX: Nor'Easter.) But Phil still wanted to do it the way his dad talked about running a grocery store and wearing two pricing guns like six-shooters. He even had a video where he interacted with a hip kid (played by him, of course) and taught "him" about real estate. That is, until Gil Thorpe interrupted him and threw off the timing of the video. Long story short, it was a disaster. Although Claire did admit it went better in school than when they rehearsed it. She even got to spend two minutes talking about being a stay-at-home mom and deflecting some girls snide questions about it. But Gil supported her, saying a job like that would make him drink himself to death. And then he offered Claire a job being a liasion between the city and a developer he was working with. And no matter how much Phil warned her that Thorpe was doing that to get his goat, Claire took the job. Meanwhile, Jay decided to skip the Career Day because stories about building closets weren't all that exciting. He claimed he did it to pay the bills and never pursued his real passion: writing. Well, Gloria could let that sit still, particularly when Jay said "life getting in the way" (i.e. Gloria) was the reason he didn't pursue it. But since Jay had plenty of time these days and didn't need to take three-hour naps on the weekends, he should try it. He even had a character in mind: Secret Agent Chuck Stone. As you no doubt already guessed, he got some major writers' block. Fortunately, Manny was able to help him with a line or two, and before you know it, Manny was writing his spy story for him. This worked out fine...until Gloria started criticizing the work. Manny eventually got offended enough to the point where he took credit for the work. Given Thorpe's constant texting and phoning to make Phil feel low about Claire going to work for him, Claire was in orbit because she had been out of the job market for over fifteen years and someone recognized her talent, even a sleazebag like Gil Thorpe. Phil relented and said she could take the job. (PHIL: If it makes your Mom happy, I can handle a few phone calls.) MANNY: We all weave a web of lies. Some we tell to try and help the ones we love, some we tell to try and fool ourselves. And some we tell because when you're out of bullets and staring down the barrel of a Kalashnikov, the only weapon you've got left is guile. JAY: She's nuts. That's FANTASTIC! Oh, and Claire lasted all of one day on the job. Thorpe gave her no respect at all. PHIL: You deserve so much better than that. So...what's for dinner?

22My Hero

Mitchell and Cameron run into an old boyfriend of Mitch's: Dr. Teddy. Actually, he was Mitch's last boyfriend before Cameron long, long ago. He invites Mitch, Cam, and Lily to a roller skating fundraiser he was doing for the hospital, and they were delighted to do it. Mitchell was afraid it might be awkward for Cam, but Cam was perfectly fine about it. Finding the rest of the Pritchetts and Dunphys at the same roller rink, not so much. Apparently Ted invited all of them. Manny and Luke had assignments to write about who they consider a hero. Manny had to keep scratching names off his list, either because they were drinking while babysitting Joseph (Claire) or scamming a free dinner because they found one of their own hairs in the food (Gloria) or complaining Joseph is wrapped up in flowered clothing like Manny (Jay). Luke had a bigger problem: he chose his mother but didn't know how to break it to Phil. And this resulted in him binge eating at the roller rink. (Never a good idea.) At the rink, Claire tried to avoid Jay because he offered her a job at his company and wanted to groom her to take over the business. She worked there for half a summer 20 years ago and hated it. Jay was very condescending and mean to her at that time, and he always talked about how she disappointed him. CLAIRE: The four big times I disappointed him, it devastated me. The time I cut off all my hair, when I went to college out-of-state, I crashed his vintage Jag into a wall. PHIL: That's three. CLAIRE: Kids! Dinner! Gloria wasn't much for getting out on the rink because she didn't know how to roller skate and didn't want to embarrass herself. Unlike Cam, who was starting to get upset everybody liked Teddy. But Phil took her out for lessons, despite Gloria claiming she'll look like an idiot out there. (PHIL: Gloria, trust me, as long as you're standing next to me, you won't look stupid.) Thankfully, Teddy stopped her from falling on the rink, and now even Jay and Gloria took a liking to Teddy. Which got Cameron so mad, he had to hit one of those punching bag games in the arcade. (And broke a record.) Haley wasn't enjoying herself very much, particularly since she kept getting community college brochures that she threw out and not telling her parents about. (Of course, who empties the trash?) two guys show up and she has a double-date with Alex. And Manny has two more heroes to cross off his list when they ditch him. However, Alex would need a few lessons on flirting: the first of which is don't make a guy feel stupid. Alex managed to tone it down during a game of air hockey, but Haley ended things there. Alex was confused, but Haley told her she made great strides and they shouldn't be wasted on a couple of guys who felt emasculated by losing to them in air hockey. Mitchell tried to make peace with the family for Cam's sake, asking them to not like Teddy so much. Well, those who were not taking roller skating lessons out in the parking lot (Phil & Gloria), fuming behind the snack bar counter about their father (Claire) or puking all over the place (Luke). However, Jay and Cameron got a moment. Jay admitted he wasn't rooting for Mitchell and Teddy to go all the way. Mitchell was a different person with Ted around and he didn't like what became of him. Mitchell thought Jay wasn't used to his son being gay, but Mitchell was a bit of a pill around Teddy, and Jay was glad Mitch found Cam. (JAY: When you two started up, everyone thought 'well there it is'.) It certainly made Cam feel better (although Jay still wouldn't do a couples' skate with him), and Claire overheard the whole conversation and decided to take Jay's offer to work at his company. MANNY: (voiceover) What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously, a hero has to be someone we respect, a person we look up to. A person who is generous of spirit. Who is willing to grow and learn. Maybe it's the person you love most in the world, or the one who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks. For me, though, the hero in my family IS my family because of who we are together. (holds up his paper) C-minus "This was not the assignment." I'll tell you who's NOT my hero: Mrs. Rita McNabb. But at least Cam got to enjoy his moment in the sun with his picture on the wall for setting the record on the punching back. And yes, Teddy breaks the record. With the first punch he's ever thrown.

23Games People Play

Phil had a big announcement for the family. Thanks to a high-level real estate deal, he got the use of an RV for the summer and he was already dreaming of a family trip. Perhaps to Yellowstone. Of course, Claire, knowing how the family really works, decided that Jolene (what Phil named the RV) was not going to work with three kids cooped up in it for hours and hours. But she decicded to let Phil take them on a long drive just to prove she was right and she wouldn't have to look like the evil parent. Like she was about the llama Phil brought home...also named Jolene. CLAIRE: (interview) Even with a spin up the coast, Phil will see what I see every day. The transformation happens when our kids are locked in a metal box. The Kraken is unleashed! (pause) Love my kids very very much. With the Dunphys gone, Jay and Gloria had a problem. Manny needed his backpack that contained his works for the poetry reading he was attending that night. Manny also needed to convince Jay and Gloria not to show up because he was going to go with some of his "darker" works. (MANNY: Poems like "The Umbilical Noose," "A Jail Called Mom," "Smother Nature." She'll just find some way to make it all about her.) Cameron and Mitchell were excited for Lily being in a gymnastics meet, and she was quite good at it. So good, in fact, both Cameron and Mitchell were getting too wound up about it, to the point where Mitchell was actually rooting for another gymnast to fall off the balance beam. Which would have been fine had not everyone heard it. Unfortunately, she did, and Lily moved into first place as a result. Which really didn't help when she told Mitch and Cam about it in front of all the other parents. But Cam wasn't out of the woods. A hyper-competitive mother accused him of fixing the hair on her daughter on purpose so the bun would come undone during her floor exercise and stop her from completing it. Claire's plan for the kids going crazy in the RV? Not really working. Luke thought it was too cold, but Haley was kind enough to loan him a blanket. Alex wanted the music changed, so Claire tried to find something even worse. Naturally, Alex liked it even better. Still, Claire was unfazed. (CLAIRE: I didn't want to get halfway into a trip to Yellowstone only for Phil to discover what malevolent hell-spawn we have for children. Whom I love very much.) She thought she had a chance when Alex was wearing one of Haley's sweaters, but the only thing Haley was mad about was how much better it looked on Alex. Much to Claire's chagrin, Alex gets to borrow any of Haley's clothes that are older than six months. And now Phil has promoted the trip to Yellowstone to a cross-country trip. And the kids thought it was an awesome idea! Jay, Gloria, and Manny headed over to Mitch and Cam's because Cam drove Luke and Manny home from school and Manny left his backpack in his car. They got in their house the same way they got into Phil and Claire's house. Gloria got the door open...and don't ask her how. And like at Phil and Claire's house, Jay and Gloria felt the need to snoop around, read mail, check the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, even have some brownies. (Thankfully for Jay, they were Cam's brownies and not Claire's.) But it looked like Cameron and Mitchell had a party the prior night which Jay and Gloria had not attended. There was even what looked like a drawing that insulted them. Suddenly they were quite upset and tried to figure out why. Jay accused Gloria of being horrible at Pictionary, while Gloria accused Jay of being hyper-competitive and always yelling at her. Actually, Manny was to blame. He had the invitation from Cam in his backpack and forgot to give it to Jay and Gloria. So he tries to sneak it into Cam's briefcase to shift the blame away from him. Only one problem: Gloria the Snoop had already looked in Cam's briefcase so she knew the invite was just put there. Jay and Gloria couldn't believe Manny was being sneaky and deceitful like that. GLORIA: (proud) That's my son! (They were worried Manny was too much of a goody-two-shoes.) At the gymnastics meet, Cam and Mitchell were desperate to save face and overcompensated with the apologies and cheering of Lily's competitors. But Lily ended up bailing them out. Another gymnast fell off the balance beam and Lily rushed to her aid. She gave the girl a hug and took the pins out of the girl's hair because they were hurting her. One of the parents came up to them and asked if they saw what Lily did. Actually, they didn't, and they thought their boorish behavior had already passed down to Lily. MITCHELL: (to the crowd) We consider what our daughter just did to be an embarrassment to the sport of gymnastics! CAMERON: (equally upset) I assure you, she did NOT learn that from us! MITCHELL: And as far as we're concerned, that is a sign of weakness... CAMERON:...and not the way that a winner behaves but how... BOTH:...a LOSER behaves! But at least Lily won the meet and got to be on the team. And her daddies get to watch from outside. Claire really needs to learn the old lesson about being careful what you wish for, as you might just get it. Luke swats at a bee that got in the RV and accidentally slaps Alex. Then Haley tries to throw her drink at it and it hits Luke, who retaliates with the hose from the kitchen sink. And the fight continues as another bee makes it inside and Alex's sweater gets ripped. Phil pulls it over and goes berserk since Claire didn't stop the kids on purpose. PHIL: (off the reservation) I guess I was a naive boob who thought we liked each other! Obviously it was too much to ask that we could take one magnificent trip in a tricked-out, state-of-the-art RV to see the sun dancing off the Pacific! (smashes the bee between his hands) What a huge ask! (walks out of the RV) OWWWWWWW!!! While Phil calmed down with a couple of other dads who were also in his RV situation, Claire and the kids were feeling a bit of guilt over seeing him flip out. That and the super-sad dude hug he was having. Realizing Phil wanted to plan a big summer trip, Luke was suddenly worried because he was about to flunk pre-algebra and would have to take summer school and didn't tell anyone because he felt even worse having followed genius Alex through school. Alex had actually been dating two guys at once, much to Claire's suprise (and pride), but they both dumped her on the same day when they found out. She was quite embarrassed. (LUKE: Not as embarrassing as failing a class that starts with 'pre'.) And Haley tried out as a Laker Girl, and failed miserably. Claire, buoyed by learning all of this new information, goes out to tell Phil it was a great idea to take them on a summer trip. Being forced together actually made the kids bond. The proof? All three of them doing Haley's Laker Girl audition. PHIL: (ecstatic) Oh, my God. Dream come true! I don't even need context!

24Goodnight Gracie

The entire family headed down to Florida to be with Phil, whose mother passed away. Certainly he needed his family there and hugged Haley, Alex, and Luke when they arrived...and then the neck pillow Claire brought for him. As for everybody else, Mitchell was glad to be there (anything to get him out of the office), as was Cameron (anything to get him away from his gossipy friends), and Gloria took her mourning seriously, even wearing a black veil. Which she explained she needed because she had a bench warrant in Florida. Her ex-roommate down there turned their apartment into a brothel after she left, but her name was still on the lease. Jay figured she would pay a fine and that would be the end of it. JAY: Quick and easy. GLORIA: Yes, that was the name of the whorehouse. Jay thought Mitchell would be good backup just in case, but they figured who would ever believe Gloria looked like the sort of person who would run a whorehouse? (MITCHELL: Yeah, I better go.) As Manny went to indulge in the amenities of the gated community (for seniors...yes, he fits right in), Cam ingratiated himself with a group of senior ladies discussing books. He was quite a hit, even taking them on in Mahjong. That is, until he noticed one of them cheating by keeping tiles in her jacket. He quietly told one of the other ladies who planned to do something about it...right after she pocketed all of the cookies at the rec center. And let's not talk about the nice silver-haired lady who was making her coffee a bit more "Irish." (I'm Irish, I can say that. :-D ) Suddenly, Cam felt like he was back home again. Frank, Phil's father, gave him a box his wife left for the Dunphy family. Phil couldn't read the note his mother left behind, so Claire read it for him. His mother's last request was for Phil to set Frank up with Annie Fitzsimmons, a very nice lady who lived a few streets away. Phil was appalled. He thought it was crazy. Which is exactly how his mother thought he'd react, but she wanted Frank to find someone before all the "vultures" came swooping in, given the very high female-to-male ratio of the community. Phil thought it was crazy his mother said Frank would follow anything with a casserole, but Phil going right for the cookies Haley made might make you think otherwise. There were other items in the box, none of which were his mother's ashes. Haley got some jewelry, Luke got a pocket watch because his grandmother thought men acted more dignified with them. (LUKE: Is this chain in case you swallow it?) Alex, who felt she had a special bond with her grandmother, got a lighter. Was it a special lighter? The note that came with it simply said "this is a lighter." Claire pressed him into fulfilling his mother's final wish for him, but Phil wasn't having it. PHIL: When my dad is ready, he gets to pick his own girlfriend. That's the big upside to your wife dying. (awkward pause) Also not having to think before you speak. Gloria had time to wait at the courthouse, but many other defendants needed a lawyer, too, so they begged Mitchell to represent them. (Wouldn't Mitchell need a Florida law license to do this?) Given how tough-as-nails the judge was, Mitchell was quite happy to get everyone's court cases dismissed. But Gloria had no problem with it. GLORIA: Yes! Go make your mistakes with him! I don't want to go to jail for prostitution! (another defendant is VERY interested) Like you could afford me. Thankfully, Gloria got her cased dismissed before Mitchell tried to defend a black man wrongly accused of rape in the Depression-era South. (Yes, he was going on everyone.) Meanwhile, Jay met one of Frank's neighbors, Charlotte. It took him time, but he figured out where he knew her from. He got his Navy basic training in Pensacola. And Jay, right before he shipped off to Vietnam, became a man thanks to her. (If you need me to explain that, stop reading and leave. Seriously, it's way past your bedtime.) He was 18 and she was 31 and...well, just play the song Lola in your head and remove the last lyric and you get the idea. He kept trying to jog her memory about it, but saying he was shipping off to Vietnam and she had the ass of. That got him an invite. Jay told her he regretted not calling her back, but she said she kept something of his. His Jefferson High class ring. (Jay didn't go to Jefferson High.) Then it must have been the medal. (It wasn't a Navy medal.) Then it must have been the love letters. (Jay doesn't write.) JAY: (disgusted) Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson. Claire took a walk with Phil to get his mind off of things...and hopefully his mind on setting his dad up with Annie Fitzsimmons. She knocks on the door quickly and Annie is a delight...although the player with his shirt open and a white mullet wasn't so much. Phil and Claire pretended to be vacuum salesmen (Annie actually needed one of those), and they retreated quickly. Phil was livid for Claire tricking him like that, but when they got back to his father's house, they discovered his mother was right about the "vultures." They were circlin the carcass on the day of her funeral, in fact. They were now determined to do whatever it took to separate Annie from her -wannabe boyfriend (never in my life did I think I'd use in one of these synopses), but it turns out the oily bo-hunk (come on, reference, you had to like that) was actually Annie's brother. And given Phil having a heartfelt talk with Annie to explain his mother's last wish, it was obvious that Phil's mother was a special lady. Something he realized, too, given all that she did for him. He broke down crying and Annie comforted him. At the ceremony, Phil thanked everyone for attending and made way for Alex to give a little tribute to her grandmother. She lit fireworks. Frank had told her the story about how they missed the Fourth of July one year because they got drunk in the afternoon and took a little catnap that ran too long, so Frank and she made their own fireworks. Which grossed Alex out until he explained he lit fireworks for her...then they made love all night. Frank also pointed out there was more to Alex's card than "this is a lighter." (things stick together all the time in Florida) ALEX: (reading the card) This is a lighter. It belonged to my favorite actor,. One day, he came to the restaurant where I was waitressing and accidentally left it behind. For the first time in my life, I did something I wasn't supposed to and slipped it into my pocket. One of the customers saw and said "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me." That customer turned out to be the love of my life: your grandfather. So, dear Alex, who I love so dearly, who's probably too much like me for her own good, don't be afraid to break the rules. You never know what might happen. And everybody heads back to California. Although Manny and Luke didn't know why everyone's in such a rush. They were enjoying their rocking chairs and drinking lemonade.

1Suddenly, Last Summer

It was a very busy summer around the Pritchett-Dunphy households. Manny was heading to Colombia to visit Gloria's relatives for a month and naturally couldn't keep himself to just one suitcase and one robe despite Jay's objections. (JAY: If he doesn't go to Colombia, Colombia comes to me. That's happened before.) Phil and Claire were trying to juggle the schedules between Haley's beach trip, Alex working for Habitat for Humanity, and Luke going to camp. (translation: they wanted a week to themselves) But the biggest news affected Mitchell and Cameron, who were now free to get married when the Supreme Court overturned California's Prop 8. CAMERON: Now a man can marry another man! LILY: Eww, he (Joseph) thew up. JAY: He just needs some time to get used to the idea, honey. Before Manny could go, he needed his birth certificate, which was not in the safe with Gloria's shoes. (She has issues with what can go in the safe.) Jay and Manny head down to the courthouse to get a copy, but Manny sees the long line at the courthouse and starts having second thoughts about going to Colombia. JAY: We didn't drive all way down here for that piece of paper for you to get cold feet at the last second. You've been looking forward to this day for months. MANNY: Maybe we should wait until next year. I'm still kind of young to be doing this. JAY: We're not waiting any longer. Your mother signed off on this. This is happening! (oh, the long line was full of gay couples waiting to get married) Speaking of proposals, both Cameron and Mitchell were thinking of ways they could propose to each other. And naturally, they told their ideas to completely separate people who wouldn't run into each other until the appropriate moment. (this is a sitcom, you know. :-D ) Cameron talks to Gloria about his ideas, and she was feeling a bit jealous because all she got for a proposal story from Jay was him ordering Manny to "hand him the thing" while watching TV. Cam's idea was to book the restaurant from his first date with Mitchell and will do it at sunset (his ideal lighting). First, though, he has to go pick up Mitchell, who forgot his wallet. But when Cam sees a box on the table at the coffee shop Mitchell was stuck at, he thought Mitchell was going to propose first and bails on him. This brings in Claire, who needed a break from the house...if you go by the macabre stories she suggested for Mitch to stall Cam. For Mitchell, his idea was to get a pair of rocking chairs that Cam once said he wished he had someone to grow old with. Claire loved the idea and volunteered to help set it up. But then when Cam and Mitch met for dinner, Mitchell found they went to the restaurant where they had their first date and figured Cam was going to jump the gun on him and tries to get out of it. Cam figures THAT out and calls Gloria to help him with his Plan B, which was a romantic picnic out under the stars. (it makes more sense if you watch it, trust me) Meanwhile, Phil was trying to enact Claire's plan to switch the kids' trips around so they could have some alone time. Alex was actually quite easy. A few "Dad tears" about missing his daughter, and Alex was going to Sacramento instead of Oklahoma. However, Luke was adamant about going to camp to hang out with Carly. And when Phil found out she was a gymnast and offered to leave a tape of, Phil couldn't pull the trigger. So he convinced Alex to go to El Salvador instead by saying she could lapse into mediocrity if she didn't push herself. (no, not kidding) Haley, however, was wise to her parents' plans and tried to use that to get her gas, groceries, and summer clothing paid for on her trip. But Phil was way ahead of her. PHIL: You overplayed your hand, and I can pull the plug on this. Then you've blown your last chance to have a good time with your friends and then word gets out you're not cool. Then school starts and you end up with your nose in a book all year. No dates, no friends, not caring how you look. (as Alex walks by) Phil, Claire, Jay, and Gloria head over to Mitch and Cam's to set their respective plans up. And all four discover what's going on. Phil and Gloria think it's cute and romantic. Jay and Claire, not so much. JAY: This is what happens when they let men marry men! (Joseph throws up again) That CAN'T be a coincidence! Jay is not thrilled, and gluing stars to the walls when there was adhesive already on the back didn't help. Gloria was sick of his bellyaching given his proposal to her consisted of ordering Manny to grab the ring and give it to him. But there was more to the story. Manny had jumped the gun by accident when Jay really wanted the remote. JAY: He was supposed to give me the ring at dinner. The waiter was supposed to come by and ask if anybody wanted coffee, and I would say no because it would keep me up and I've been loving my dreams lately and there's one in particular that I hope comes true and then he hands me the ring, and I say Gloria... GLORIA: I LOVE YOU, JAY! I LOVE MY STORY! Phil gets a text from his dad wanting him to visit right in the middle of their free week during the summer. He thinks it's a bad coincidence...until Claire looks at how beautiful Phil set everything up and confesses she wanted some alone time during that week for herself. And the fact that he even kept the speeding ticket he got when he was in such a hurry to get to her and propose back in 1994, she is in tears for doing that to him when he is a born romantic. CLAIRE: I told your dad to call you because I wanted some time for myself. Yeah, a couple of days away from my romantic husband who is too good for this cold-hearted, bloodless, wifebot! PHIL: Hey, hey, hey, you have blood. So I'm a little more sentimental. (as Claire's mom texts ready to suggest a few days away, too) They have plenty of time to set up, however, as Mitch and Cam get a flat tire. (on Mulholland Drive on a starry night, no less) Mitch was actually quite proud of how well he can change a tire these days...and let the flat one fall down the hill and hit someone's house. They go to put on the spare and realize both of them are down on one knee. They look at each other and both say yes. Gloria found the card Manny wanted Jay to give her, but he had decided to wait a few days because she was so emotional about him leaving. Then he reads the card, where Manny tells her to take care of Jay and make sure she called to tell him how his doctor's appointment went. And a tearful Jay was off to send Manny his other robe.

2First Days

3Larry's Wife

Phil seems to have found his niche in the real estate market: divorced women. He's been charming them into closing those mortgages. Unfortunately, Claire needs him to handle more family-oriented items while she goes into the office and works on the monthly reports. Better than Cameron and Mitchell, who have to figure out how to tell Lily their cat died. Worst case scenario, they could blame it on Joe, who got kicked out of Gymboree for being too aggressive with the other kids. Jay thinks kids should just be kids, but Gloria thinks her family is cursed. (JAY: Are you aware a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird? I'm just saying, by the third time, we might think about moving the party inside.) Jay gets nowhere with the Gymboree manager, probably because he's yelling, at least according to Manny, as they go to see at the movie theatre, instead of Jay's suggestion of. The kid who bumped into Jay without apologizing really set him off (in fairness, a kid acting like a total douchebag would set me off, too). Manny thinks Jay's too loud and angry, but Jay says you can't keep that down or it will eat you up inside. Manny doesn't believe him...until a kid talking on his cell phone during the movie and mocks. Now Manny is starting to see Jay's side a bit. At least enough to get kicked out of the movie for smashing the jerk's cell phone. But on the good side, both of them really enjoyed Death Wish. Although Gloria thinks the priest she brought in to drive out the evil in her family might have to stay around a bit longer. You can guess how many of Claire's tasks he got done, given she tripped over the branches in the front yard and took a rake to the face, found nothing in the refrigerator, while Alex dealt with one of Luke's friends kissing her and Haley trying to get in on their poker game. Claire thinks Phil is taking too much time with these divorced, lonely women. (PHIL: Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women. But there's only one I'm married to.) Claire thinks he won't be able to juggle them. And when several of them Phil cancelled their appointments on them to be with the others, they're ready to kick him to the curb. Fortunately, Claire was at the grocery store when it happened (thinking Phil finally got around to do the groceries...except for one of the divorced women) and talked Phil up as a great realtor and a far nicer person than the "jerk" husband she was married to. Meanwhile Cameron, who has taken charge of the wedding much to Mitchell's relief, has to explain to Lily what happened to Larry, their cat. Lily thinks he died, but Cam tries to tell her Larry got married to another cat and won't be coming back because married cats never visit their former homes. This is, of course, right when Larry decides to show up, so Cameron now has to tell Lily that Larry's new wife died. He would have told Lily they got divorced, but Lily was already freaking out Cam and Mitchell might get divorced someday. Cameron then has to plan an entire funeral and bury the imaginary wife of Larry in the backyard. Fortunately, there were plenty of guests (both human and animal) on hand to pay their respects. Cameron was even able to get a church choir and a bagpiper there. All he needed to do was to get Dylan (yes, Haley's ex) to dig a hole in the backyard. (Dylan was relieved he was only burying a cat.) Sounds simple enough...until Dylan hit a pipe and soaked the entire backyard. Now all of the guests and their animals were in the house and it was a zoo. Literally. Cameron was completely freaked out and really needed Mitchell there. Thankfully, Mitchell learned he can't just let others do the work. He thought letting Cameron do everything ("I think big, then I whittle down.) would work. But his OCD in cleaning his office...even getting trapped inside the air conditioning vents when trying to dust them...he decides he needs some say in their wedding planning, which Cameron was delighted to give him. As for poor Alex, she helped Luke and Haley get all of their money (and Haley's computer) back when they lost them in the poker game. And lost it again when she got too greedy. Now Reuben, the kid who kissed her, had a date. REUBEN: Don't wait up. ALEX: (leaving with Reuben) Wait up.

4Farm Strong

When Cameron's older sister comes for a visit, he struggles to find a way to tell her about his engagement, but he's not the only one with surprising news. Meanwhile, Phil and Claire make a pact to miss Luke's soccer game until one of them can't live with the guilt; and Gloria refuses to believe she may need reading glasses.

5The Late Show

Jay, Mitchell, and Phil were all waiting for their significant others. It took Jay six weeks to get a reservation at this very upscale restaurant where he was going to enjoy some Australian barley-and-wine-fed beef (leaving the kids to wonder if the cow got drunk and if tequila would work faster). Phil even bought a new uber-tight suit to wear because a hipster store clerk said that was the fashion. Haley was actually impressed. PHIL: Stick around if you want to see your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth. HALEY: Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine. As for the kids, Haley would babsit Joe with Manny, even knowing the best way to get him to sleep is rock him back and forth to Gladys Knight & the Pips. Alex was off to babysit Lily, and Luke...well, he would get to stay home by himself, much to the surprise of Claire, who didn't think he was old enough to be left on his own. And Luke thinking the smoke alarm was the doorbell was her first clue. While Mitchell and Cameron fought over wearing the same shirt and jacket (they had similar ones, they weren't fighting over the EXACT same one), Jay tried his best not to get mad at Gloria for being ridiculously late from the salon and then having to change. To her credit, the dress Jay got her at the store while he was at work (his credit card did) was well worth it. Or maybe it was the scotch Jay downed to calm his frayed nerves while he was waiting. Cameron successfully "guilted" Mitchell into changing, but then Mitch got a water from the refrigerator for the ride and got Cam a soda. A soda that exploded all over his jacket and forced him to change out of it. Cam naturally thought Mitchell shook the can up on purpose. And Lily and Alex were getting tired of playing judge, first to who looked better in the jacket and then whether or not Mitchell shook the can of soda. Of course, Lily was getting it twice as bad because she wanted Alex to play with her dolls and Alex wanted to read Lily. Claire made Phil and her late with her incessant line of instructions to Luke, particularly about the difference between a doorbell and a smoke alarm, but also not to order a pizza because all delivery drivers are ex-cons. Her paranoia seemed to work fine, because she called on the way to the restaurant and got no response, so she turned the car around and flew back home, only to get both barrels of Luke's paint gun when he was scared it was the pizza delivery man. Jay finally broke down and yelled at Gloria for being late. They get to the restaurant and were the first ones there. Of course, since this is a sitcom, they couldn't be seated until their entire party arrived. Which they finally did, and Gloria had to make an "entrance" each time people arrived so they would compliment her on how she looked. They got ready to go to the table, and then Cameron walked out. He and Mitchell took a long time but finally settled their argument, which really started when Cameron was doing too much of the decision-making when it came to the details of their wedding. They go back in and now it was time for Phil to walk out because Claire badgered him left and right about Luke. (They dropped him off with Haley and Manny, who did a great Gladys Knight & the Pips to get Joe asleep.) Phil was upset that Claire never even noticed the sharp suit he bought just for her and she apologized for it, saying he looked hot. Now that everything was settled, it was time to eat. Except the hostess gave away their table and wasn't the least bit sorry about it. Gloria gave her both barrels because she wanted Jay to have his night at the restaurant...and proceeded to get all of them kicked out. Was Jay mad? Not really. Because had it not been for Gloria getting them booted, he wouldn't have had the best meal of his life...at a taco truck right across the street. Everybody was in a jovial mood, they had tacos, a lot of drinks, and Phil's suit finally gave out on him. JAY: I don't know if it was the six scotches I drank waiting for everybody or the fact I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up. They even played my favorite song ( Midnight Train to Georgia )...the train I'd never make unless I told Gloria it left at 11. BTW, Cam got Mitchell to admit he did shake up the soda can.

6The Help

Phil and Claire are worried...well, Claire is...about Phil's dad, Frank. His wife had passed away, and the woman he was seeing down in Florida dumped him, so he was feeling a bit depressed. Phil invited him to visit, which of course meant Alex and Haley had to share the same room. (It's as loud as it sounds) But Frank was most certainly depressed; he didn't even want to play "pull my finger" with Luke. Gloria and Jay have had problems trying to keep a nanny for Joseph. They've gone through five already. Although in fairness to Gloria, not all of them were her fault. Manny might have tried to get friendly with a few of them. (JAY: There's an embarrassing press conference in that kid's future.) Well, Gloria has a potential solution; she finds a manny at the playground. (MANNY: I'm being replaced?!?) Jay finds the whole situation too weird for his taste, particularly since the manny was like Mary Poppins on steroids. Gloria is outvoted 2-to-1, so naturally, the manny stays. Which Jay didn't know happened until he hands Jay a towel in the shower. And cooks breakfast for Manny and him. The flaxseed muffins were a bit much, so he had to be fired. Gloria was furious because she finally found a nanny she liked and she was the one who was around the house all the time and had to deal with him. But the manny played peacemaker...and quite well, in fact. He even showed Gloria when she yells at Jay and Manny, they tend to listen less. Yup, he had a job. Although the exercising as a family was a bit much. Mitchell and Cameron have decided to let Pepper Saltzman plan their wedding. He certainly had the experience; he had already planned 53 gay weddings (and only since Prop. 8 was overturned). The trouble is, after 53 weddings, it was difficult to come up with new ideas, particularly since Mitch and Cam had different ideas about the wedding. However, both agreed that purple was too much, as was riding in on a unicorn and looking like the casting office for Willy Wonka. However, Pepper's mood was a bit...intense...any time the guys questioned one of his ideas. It was certainly driving Ronaldo crazy. He was Pepper's assistant, who was having some problems getting his boss to accept his ideas, like raw linen tablecloths and modern rectangular tables at the reception. Ideas that Mitch and Cam were beginning to really like. But they couldn't betray Pepper like that. Well, maybe one more look at Ronaldo's portfolio. Jay decided to help Phil get his father to go out on the town. And it actually worked. He met a nice woman and had a pleasant conversation, although it did leave Jay and Phil stuck playing wingmen to the woman's not-so-nice friend. So they decide "this place is dead anyway" and take off. The next morning, Frank admits he had a great time, judging by the woman he brought home...a different one he met while waiting for a taxi. And he enjoyed himself; she performed like a pro. (You know where this is going, don't you.) Yup, now Phil and Frank have to give Jeannie $500 before Claire gets back from her yoga class. Too late, though. Claire sees her...and Phil tells her she's the therapist she recommended Phil find for Frank. And this being a sitcom, Claire HAS to meet her. CLAIRE: Thank you so much for coming out and helping him this way. It was my idea. You know, I've never told anybody this, but I've always wanted to do what you do. I think I'd be really good at it. I basically do it for the whole neighborhood anyway; at least this way I get paid for it. Phil is hoping to shoo her out before anything else happens, but Haley's and Alex's continued fight and Jeannie can certainly sympathize because she used to fight with her sister. (CLAIRE: I'm at my wit's end with these two. Do you have any experience with teenagers?) Jeannie would always accuse her sister of trying to steal her boyfriends and her sister would always accuse Jeannie of trying to stab her. OK, maybe not the world's greatest therapist. Claire gets Phil and Frank alone and reads them the riot act. Claire wants Frank to just get back out there and not worry about being dumped. But Frank admitted he left his girlfriend because he didn't know how to act around other women. He thought he would be with his wife forever, and now he was lost. (FRANK: And last night, Jeannie was so nice...and professional.) Jeannie overheard that and thanked him, saying he had nothing to worry about when it came to dating...and other things Claire stopped her from talking about before it went too far. JEANNIE: You know, I love your kids. That Alex is like a little me. Ronaldo returns to Mitchell and Cameron's place, having left Pepper. He started showing them some designs for their wedding, which they naturally loved. Pepper then stops by, forcing Ronaldo to hide. Pepper was upset for being stabbed in the back and vowed to ruin the wedding of whoever was responsible for encouraging Ronaldo to leave. (uh-oh) When Pepper finds Ronaldo there, he has a nervous breakdown. He had planned 53 gay weddings, and not a single one of them were for him. Ronaldo was upset for an even bigger reason; he was in love with Pepper and Pepper never even noticed. That's probably because Pepper was too obsesses with planning 53 gay weddings to notice Ronaldo was in love with him. Thankfully, they got it straightened out, and now they were back to planning the wedding. And arguing over every last little detail. Poor Lily couldn't get anybody to read her a story, her headphones wouldn't drown them out, it was time to take action! And she did.

7A Fair to Remember

Haley, Alex, and Luke want to bring Phil and Claire breakfast in bed for their 20th Anniversary. Fortunately, they made their presence known so they wouldn't catch their parents in the act. Not to worry, Phil wasn't "winning" anything. In fact, each of them had a surefire present for the other. At the school fair, Phil was going to perform a song with the Dad Beats for her. Not an original song, thanks to Cameron and Lily correctly vetoing that idea. Jay and Gloria were going as well, and Manny was going to enter the cake-baking contest. Much to Jay's chagrin, of course. Gloria and Manny went to get the cake entered while Jay fought with a guy who was trying to take his parking spot. Meanwhile, Cameron was upset because his football team hadn't won any games and the dad of their best running back was going to take him off the team because the line couldn't block for him. Cam was all stressed out (CAMERON: That's the worst call since they cast in !) despite Mitchell trying to tell him that it's only freshman football. That didn't work; Cameron gathered the entire team at the fair to put the fear of God into them. At Jay and Gloria's house, Haley was going to enjoy a relaxing day of laying out by the pool and drinking Jay's beer, only the nanny caught her. He was going to call Jay on her, and she tried to use her bikini to convince him otherwise. However, Andy claimed he had a girlfriend in the Coast Guard. Stationed in Utah. Of course, when he tried to pick up the second broken beer bottle Haley dropped when he scared her, then the sight of his own blood was a bit of a problem. Thankfully, Haley didn't hold a grudge and Andy didn't rat on her. At the fair, Alex decided to be nice to Luke and help him out with his problem of how to talk to a girl he had a big crush on. She agreed, thinking it would be a good way to get in with Sienna, a new girl in school who could be Alex's ticket to being popular. (ALEX: I have to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria.) Just one little problem: Sienna is the one Luke had a crush on. As some of Manny's classmates laugh at him for baking the cake, Jay wants him to give it up, despite Manny's insistence cooks get girls. (JAY: Cooks get the girls. Bakers ARE girls. Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little Debbie...) But Gloria sends him off to volunteer as "jail cop," where Jay has to bring in people that others pay to get thrown in the fair jail for a while. His first collar was Claire. Phil set that up to insure Claire would stay to hear him sing. She was arrested for (JAY: I can't read this) unlawful sexiness and possession of a hot booty. So Jay's partner had to read it. Oh, his "partner" was the same guy who took his parking spot, so Jay was in a REALLY good mood at that point. In fact, this worked so well, Luke had Alex arrested just so he could be alone with Sierra. As Claire hatched a plan for the two of them to escape jail, Alex opened the fake lock on the jail and walked out. Meanwhile, Luke was confessing to Sienna he had never kissed a girl before, and Sienna was going to demonstrate how it worked. Alex stopped her just in time and told Sienna that Luke had a crush on her. Luke then said Alex was using Sienna to upgrade her social status. Sienna decided to distance herself from both of them. Claire was mad as hell and was looking for any excuse to leave the fair. Having disappointed Phil with many anniversary gifts in the past, she thought she had a great one for their 20th. However, it was time for Phil to go on stage. And the Dad Beats introduce...Harold Grossman. And given how amazing Harold sang Foreigner's I Want To Know What Love Is, there was no way Phil could follow it. He begrudgingly went home. But at least Claire could give him a wonderful anniversary present. Since china was the traditional gift of the 20th anniversary, Claire figured plates weren't going to work, so she hired some Chinese acrobats to perform for them. Phil absolutely loved it. While Jay dealt with his partner losing his expensive shirt to a cherry slushie (and recreating every cop death scene in a movie we've ever seen), Gloria got worried about Manny being picked on by the other boys. She sabotages his cake. He thinks one of the other grandmothers did it, but he redesigned it just in time and was going to get his payback. Gloria finally fessed up, admitting she didn't like seeing Manny being picked on. But Manny knew about being picked on; he just happened to be talented at things that didn't lead to popularity. Gloria told him to enter the cake, but they weren't going to have enough time to get it there. Then Manny managed to push his way through the entire crowd. Which Cameron witnessed. And not only did Manny win the cake contest, he helped Cam's football team win their first game. And Jay kept the cop hat and badge, deciding that Gloria needed to be frisked.

8ClosetCon '13

Jay and Claire are out on the road at a closet convention. It was something Jay went to in his younger days when he was building the business, but now that Claire was preparing to be his heir apparent, it was time to hit the road again. Only they'd be sharing a room because Gloria lost the reservation for the hotel (and Claire gets the pull-out couch of course), so Jay decided to make a beeline straight for the bar. Claire, being a rookie, wanted to go to all of the talks and breakout sessions, but Jay knew most business was done downing a few shots of Scotch. Given how friendly everyone was to Jay, it made Claire wonder if some of the ladies who attended the convention were more than a little friendly back in the days when Jay frequented them more often and her mother was suspicious. As Phil brought Luke, Haley, and Alex over to go out with Gloria, Manny, and Joseph (and broke Jay's vintage Apollo 13 model rocket in the process), Cameron and Mitchell took Lily out to Missouri so she could visit her grandmother out on the farm. Cam was feeling right at home; he even had a pig call that would make you think he went to Arkansas for college instead of Illinois. The city-fied Mitchell, you might suspect, wasn't taking in the country life too well (Cam's mother not helping at all with how touchy-feely she was), and he even got upset when Lily started adding a few y'all's to her vernacular. Haley and Alex were having their own problems; both of them liked the cute pizza guy that always came to their house. Their incessant arguing prompted Gloria to declare detente since Phil was busy fixing Jay's Apollo 13 rocket and they had to cancel their reservation. (GLORIA: Houston, we have a situation...) She said neither of them could hit on the pizza guy; "sisters before misters." But then, they may have made it irrelevant when the model airplane Alex was playing with accidentally started up and the propeller got caught in Haley's hair. Alex tried to fix it...and then it got caught in her hair, too. They'd have to stay that way for a while, since the guys were consulting with Florida (aka Phil's father) to get the Apollo 13 rocket fixed. Getting the pizza from the pizza guy took some...ingenuity...on their part. And since it was nostalgia night, there were a couple of misunderstandings to be had: such as Claire spotting Jay with one of the women from the convention going into their hotel room, Rita. It was to set up a skeleton in the closet to scare the rookie, Claire, but I'm sure you can guess what she was thinking. What's interesting, though, is reality was even worse. Jay had asked Rita to offer Phil a job in her Texas company 20 years ago so he wouldn't marry Claire. Nobody knows about it...except Claire, who heard every part of the conversation except the part about offering the job to Phil. JAY: (to Rita) You're not the first one I approached; you're just the first one who said yes. Yes, Claire is now convinced Jay cheated on his ex-wife 20 years ago. Down on the farm, Cam's grandmother was dropped off because it would be safer for her there with a tornado warning in the area. Only...she doesn't know about Cameron and Mitchell. Actually, she doesn't even know Cameron is gay because everyone was afraid that would be the piece of news that would make her have a stroke. But she hung on for close to 20 years, so now the whole family has to keep Cam's sexual orientation a secret. This didn't sit well with Mitchell, who wanted to apologize for being snobby earlier and really get into the farm experience. And he would...as Bud the Slow Farmhand. He was not happy, and being cooped up in the basement during the impending tornado was not helping. Mitchell figured Cam's grandmother might be open-minded. But then she said Lily was a "cute little Chinese" and was shocked when Lily called Cam "dad." Mitchell decided to cover and say Lily was his and he wasn't Cam's. But it turns out Cam's grandmother wishes she had a great-grandbaby to spoil. Cameron decided to tell his grandmother that he was in love, about to get married, and to Mitchell. CAMERON'S GRANDMOTHER: Then I'd know why God sent us this tornado. But she did agree to attend the wedding. And stand outside it. With a sign. (CAMERON: Baby steps, Mitchell. Baby steps.) The Apollo 13 rocket was almost back together, and Phil and Manny both admitted Jay wasn't an easy guy to please. But it felt so good when you did, Phil told Manny how lucky he was to have a father like Jay. (PHIL'S FATHER: Hard not to be hurt by that, son.) And even luckier not to have a mom like Gloria, who was going ballistic because Alex and Haley wouldn't stop fighting, even with their hair still attached to the model airplane. She goes for the scissors, and both of them stop arguing. Alex even says to cut her hair only, figuring nobody cares what she looks like. But Haley knew the pizza guy liked Alex instead of her, and Alex was touched Haley actually thought of her as a threat to her dating a boy. Now that they were no longer fighting, Gloria made a small cut that took almost no hair away. Which she could have done an hour ago, but then Haley and Alex could have put their fight aside 15 years ago. And now everyone's hair is safe...except for Gloria's, since Luke needed a few strands of it to help fix the rocket. Claire comes back to the hotel room not particularly happy with Jay for bailing on her and leaving her to get her ears talked off by a salesman, Mark, although she liked how he compared her to. (JAY: Mark's gay.) Jay tried to convince her to get one of the robes from the closet, but Claire wanted to talk about Rita, saying she knew the whole thing. Jay was beside himself about it. Of course, Claire thought he was cheating on her mom with Rita, and Jay thought she knew he tried to get rid of Phil. Oops. Claire was livid because she was actually engaged to Phil at the time. She didn't even get freaked when she went into the closet and saw the skeleton. Of course, then Jay brought up the fact that he got a certain anonymous phone call a few years ago from INS about Gloria. Now Claire was done berating Jay. Of course, now Jay likes Phil, particularly since he got the Apollo 13 rocket fixed...and got knocked out by the toy airplane that Joseph was controlling with a remote. BTW, the tradition is the rookie had to take care of the skeleton until next year. Claire decides to put it in bed with Phil. PHIL: (to what he thinks is Claire) I miss this, honey. That yoga's really paying off! Hey, slow down, baby. You can't gun a cold engine! CLAIRE: (turning on the lights and not happy) When did you know? PHIL: When it didn't complain about my socks.

9The Big Game

Cameron's football team has a big game today. With a win, he could become the winningest freshman coach in the school's history in their rookie season (with 3 wins). Everyone...well, Phil...was excited. Not enough for Cameron to try Phil's triple-wing play, but he managed to get everyone to go to the game. He tried to instill a little optimism in all of them, saying he always took his lucky pen and a smile to all of his open houses. Which he would need today, given he was facing his first month ever without selling a house and he was down to the last day. And then add the keys weren't at the house, he stepped in an aquarium going through an open window, had his pen leak and ruin his shirt, get locked out a second time, almost lose his shoe to a snake going in another window and ended up with a weird milk mustache he wiped off his face by using the cat. BTW, the prospective buyers decided to hold off until after they had their first baby...in nine months. Claire wasn't faring much better. She had Jay drop her off several blocks from the warehouse because she was tired of being thought of as the bosses' daughter, a fact not helped by Jay stopping one of his workers for chewing her out over a mistake she made. A mistake that left dozens of cabinets in the warehouse with no place to go because she forgot to authorize the pickup. Still, she refused to ask Jay for help, even when she got herself locked in one of the displays. And still refused Jay's help even though he could see her trying to climb out of the display on the monitor...and knocking down all of those cabinets in the process. This didn't sit well with Jay. Not the cabinets getting knocked over but the fact that Claire didn't even want to acknowledge him anymore. So she compromised and went back to calling him Dad whenever they were out of the office. Besides, she had to work that weekend at the warehouse. He suggested not wearing anything she liked. Haley didn't want to go to the game because she had a mid-term to study for (yes, Alex was shocked too), but at least she got to meet Dylan at the football game. The school had become like a home to him, which had to treat him better than Alex, who got ignored by the guy who sits right next to her in English class. Dylan showed Haley what he wrote under the bleachers: Haley Dunphy Dome. (He always had problems with spacing words.) Dylan wanted to take her out to a late movie, but she couldn't make it because of the test and he couldn't make an earlier movie because he was meeting his classmates from nursing school. (DYLAN: I used to make people feel better with my music, now I'll do it with drugs.) Haley was disappointed but saw that was nothing compared to how everyone at the school ignored Alex. She figured Alex could use a little help with her reputation, so with a little ingenuity, Dylan's sign now read "Alex Dunphy Dome." (fortunately, Alex figured out the spacing problem right away) Luke, who had to do the announcing for the game, took to it like Howard Stern must have taken to that mic as a kid. Still, it beats Lily getting in trouble for tackling one of the boys and kissing him. Really, that was Gloria's fault. She told Lily you have to make the boys notice you. Meanwhile, Mitchell was ready to quit his job to take a new one at a legal aid office. He was missing the courtroom, but his boss was missing his girlfriend. And his boat. Mitchell didn't have the heart to quit while the guy was depressed, so he let his boss tag along to the game. Of course, he then made the mistake of leaving his resignation letter in his coat, which his boss found. Mitchell was upset, but his boss understood his motivations. As for Cameron and Manny, they wanted to win and figured they had a shot against a team that hadn't won all year. Only the other team's coach died the prior night and they were playing the game in his memory. The team wanted to tank the game out of sympathy, but Cameron wasn't having it. Somehow he managed to convince them that giving it their best shot and letting the other team lose to them was more worth it then letting them have a victory. Well, it almost worked. They were losing by 6 with three minutes to go. Phil finally arrived and was ready to chuck it in about optimism since he would have a month where he didn't sell a house. Then Cameron decided to run his triple-wing trick play and they scored. Manny kicking the extra point gave them the win. Except he tried to miss on purpose. He was upset because he led the charge to tank the game, but Cameron got him to admit it was fun to be part of a team and get to be the hero. And Phil certainly felt better, given he sold Mitchell's boss a house sight unseen for cash later that day. But Cameron had his victory and he even thought he was turning into quite the coach. They even wanted to name the stadium after him. (CAMERON: In the teacher's lunchroom, someone wrote "Cameron Tucker Dome.")

10The Old Man & the Tree

It's Christmas time around the Pritchett and Dunphy houses. Everybody is going out of their minds. (The episode swings back and forth many times, so I have to break it down into the groups.)

11And One to Grow On

The true measure of a family is honesty. In which case, the Dunphys are screwed. Phil was all set to take Luke to Autopsy Camp. Which is actually a dance class. Phil wanted to make sure Luke could dance as well as he could. (PHIL: That's why they called me King of the Dips!) After all, it was in where got the girl. (BTW IMDb, the 2011 version comes up first in the search. FIX THAT!!!) Luke was not happy, particularly when he was the only boy dancing with 20 very geeky girls. He even got his hair caught in one of their braces while doing the Charleston. But karma is a female dog this day, as Phil ends up getting arrested for a bunch of unpaid parking tickets on his car, all of which were at Haley's community college. The same Haley whom Claire paid to take Alex for driving practice because Alex is more conservative behind the wheel than Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly's love child. Meanwhile, Jay is not too happy about all the money he has to spend throwing Joseph and Manny birthday parties on separate days, even though they have the same birthday. After all, there was still half of a cake and the helium hadn't completely gone from the balloons. But everybody would be back, including Cameron and Mitchell, who had to play hardball with the place where they wanted to have their wedding reception. But the facility manager was playing hardball, too. The date they wanted was just taken by someone's sweet 16 party. Thankfully, it was one of Cam's students. And he had a plan. Since it was Sunday, Claire couldn't get more than a couple of hundred dollars from the ATM, but there was emergency cash in the house. If only she remembered the mnemonic device Phil created to describe where it was hidden this particular month. Meanwhile, Mitch and Cam were ready for some divide and conquer. It turns out the student who booked the hall was going to do a joint sweet 16 party with her BFF until they had a fight over a boy. Something Mitchell and Cameron were experts at. (MITCHELL: Of course usually it's gay men, not teenage girls, so we will have to adjust our approach to...not at all.) Mitchell goes to talk to Sophie, the BFF of Cam's student, and he tries to act all cool, saying how his niece always talked to him when she had troubles (in other words...lying through his teeth), while Cam went to talk to Tracy, his student, at the cell phone store where she worked. It went about as well as Mitch's. And since this was a sitcom, suddenly they were taking sides in the big Sophie-Tracy fight. But it did work...well, they were back together. And using the hall Mitch and Cam wanted. So, since Sophie and Tracy weren't fighting anymore, Mitch and Cam continued it for them. CAMERON: You hem and haw all the time! Remember Vegas? That show? But that's OK; we'll see that show again once that tiger un-eats Roy! But at least they weren't in as much trouble as Claire and Haley. Haley being in trouble because Claire called her up about the parking tickets and Claire in trouble because Haley blabbed that Claire paid her to take Alex driving because she couldn't stand it. Claire didn't have time, since she couldn't find the emergency cash in the Three Stooges DVD, a cheerleading outfit (that looked used recently...hmmm), nor the coffee table book about the Titanic. But she did manage to find it in the throw pillow on the couch. Meanwhile, Gloria had a "delicate" assignment to deal with. Manny was looking forward to returning the coat of one of the cheerleaders who was at Joseph's party. Even Gloria thought the girl was out of Manny's league, particularly when Manny wouldn't even give the time of day to another girl who was really interested in him. Gloria went to talk to Manny, who had put a few surprises in Amy's coat. Like Dutch chocolates, raspberry lip gloss, bath salts, and a scented candle. GLORIA: (in tears) Oh, I wish this had more pockets! Jay was preparing to line up a few girls Manny had a shot at, but Gloria had to admit she was moved by what Manny planned to do with Amy's coat. She thinks he has a shot with Amy. (JAY: I hope you have a picture of his heart so you can put the pieces back together.) Everyone starts arriving for the party, and Phil was mad at Claire for making him wait in jail for so long. Only this time, he wasn't getting any backing from Luke. Manny hoped doorbell #2 would be better, only to find Mitch and Cam still arguing. "The whole way here," according to Lily. And then Haley came by to take her lumps from Phil about the tickets, while Alex came in to give Claire her lumps. Both Alex and Luke were livid because their parents lied to them, but suddenly Haley was defending Phil and Claire. With a couple of big whoppers of her own. She said Claire didn't want Alex to get her license so they could talk more during her practice driving, and Phil's story was the only way he could convince Claire to be with him in college was to show her what a great dancer he was. All was forgiven. PHIL: Did she learn that from us? CLAIRE: It can't be taught. It's a gift. Jay decided to have an intervention when he heard Manny on the phone talking about someone who was always making eyes at him and tried to get his attention. Jay told him he should take a shot with this girl...only she was six and was technically his niece. (Yup, he was talking about Lily.) Still, Jay told him he could lower his standards a bit, saying chemistry is key. You know right away or you don't. But Gloria needed a month to know Jay was the one, and Cameron said it wasn't instant for Mitchell and him right away. Not for one of them, anyway. Mitchell was tired of being insulted and insisted that he knew he loved Cam right away...and Cam agreed with that. Cam was the one who needed time to know Mitch was the one. Two months, in fact. Even Jay thought that was crazy. Naturally, Claire took six months, which made Mitchell think THAT was crazy. (PHIL: Six months? We were practically engaged by then!) On the good side, that meant Mitchell and Cameron could book two months later than their original first date...because that's when both of them knew. Thankfully, Joseph said his first word...Jay...before Jay could finish doing the math about Claire living with some guy she wasn't sure about yet. Now everybody was on-board with Manny trying to date Amy, especially Jay. MANNY: So it took you six months, huh Phil? I can do six months. (goes to give Amy the jacket) LILY: I'll be hereeeee!!! CAMERON: I'm not loving this. Oh, and Luke had been in his room very quiet for a long time. Claire thought Phil should go in there, but Phil didn't want to embarrass Luke. He knocks on the door first, and Luke screams at him to get out. But that happens with teenage boys all the time. He was practicing his dance moves. What did you think he was doing in there, you pervs!!!

12Under Pressure

The Dunphys learned a valuable lesson; never throw Alex a Sweet 16 party. She really needed to study for her SATs and couldn't be bothered to join everybody to blow out the candles on her cake. They even made it easy for her: just two number candles. But she couldn't handle it. (ALEX: There's a sixteen-year-old science prodigy studying cancer research at Johns Hopkins, and what am I doing? EATING CAKE!!!) The next morning, even Haley had no problem deciding she would be nice to Alex, figuring she'd be the first one Alex would take out when she snapped. Alex came down the stairs, and Haley and Luke tiptoeing too much got Phil and Claire thinking they needed to talk to Alex right away. But Alex was already a step ahead of them: she found a therapist online who specialized in talking to teens and was on the family insurance plan. She already booked her first two sessions and even agreed to take the bus so Phil could deal with his open house. (PHIL: She's like a self-cleaning oven!) Cameron and Mitchell were taking care of the house. Well, Mitchell was; Cam had pulled out those old 80s coaches' shorts (and socks, too) because the school had an Open House and he wanted to represent the phys. ed. department well, particularly given how they're looked down upon by the other departments. (He's not kidding; I was a teacher for ten years.) Their neighbor, Asher, stopped by and wanted them to stop running their air conditioner all the time because it's hurting the environment. Asher wasn't particularly impressed by Mitch's Prius either, given he ran his car on recycled cooking oil. (Seriously, this guy had such a bug up his keyster, would drive a '74 Lincoln Continental through his front yard.) Lily did put it in perspective when Asher commented on Mitch watering his lawn; better that than his front lawn looking like a litter box. Meanwhile, Gloria was dressing up to go to the Open House, even though Jay was just dressed in a t-shirt and old pants, because she wanted to convince Manny's history teacher he should go to Washington D.C. MANNY: It's Junior Congress. I really think I can make a difference. JAY: Regular Congress can't even make a difference. (EPIC!) Manny had a date to go on, and he didn't want Jay to make a big deal. Although Jay could have at least acted like he heard that. It turns out, Manny had some competition for this girl: Luke. He called dibs, but it wasn't necessary. She had a twin sister. (LUKE: I normally like to describe my type as...gettable.) It turns out each twin, Zoe and Piper, was like Luke and Manny...only they didn't choose the right twin for them. Luke told Manny to switch, but he thought that would be rude. LUKE: They're twins; they'll never notice! MANNY: You realize WE'RE not twins, right? Eventually, both of them caved and admitted they needed to switch. But neither Zoe nor Piper wanted to switch, Zoe having a thing for Latin men and Piper liking her guys to be dumb. That offended Manny and Luke, and they were ready to leave. But Zoe and Piper's parents weren't home, so they could head to their place and make out. MANNY: I'm not proud of what happened next. LUKE: I am. (laughs) While Cameron explained his idea to spice up his gym presentation by letting the parents play dodgeball...which is promptly shot down by the principal...Jay, Gloria, and Phil make it to history class and talk to Mr. Ingram. The empanadas were a nice touch. But she had some competition in the form of a basket of cupcakes from another mom, Dr. Donna Duncan, who wants her son, Wesley, to go on the trip as well. And apparently has issues with Gloria and Manny being Latino. But that may not make a difference, since Jay brought a flask of scotch and asked Phil to try it...right when Mr. Ingram noticed them. Naturally, Jay threw Phil under the bus. Hard as it is to believe, he was getting off easy compared to Claire, who was talking to all of Alex's teachers. And they were only interested in telling the parents what practice tests the kids should study for their Advanced Placement Exams. (CLAIRE: With Luke and Haley, I'm on top of everything because they aren't. But Alex is so self-sufficient, I just put it in cruise control. I fell asleep at the wheel and now my little genius is covered in cake.) Lily got a delivery of a family dollhouse from Haley, the same one she used to play in as a child...as did Mitchell. She left the minivan running, and Mitchell was afraid Asher would come by and harass her. But Haley reminded Mitch he won an award as an environmental lawyer and suggested he wave that in Asher's face. (HALEY: It's like this girl at school who was all over me about my leather boots and she had the nerve to wear Crocs. Like those aren't endangered!) Mitch was convinced, until he forgot the dollhouse was packed with styrofoam peanuts which blew onto his neighbor's property. While Jay snuck into the teacher's lounge to watch his football game on their TV, Gloria and Dr. Duncan made it to Cameron's lecture, Dr. Duncan doing a pretty good imitation of The Plastics from trying to submarine Gloria. Cam, losing the crowd with his boring lecture, caved in and told the parents he really wanted to let them play dodgeball. Which Dr. Duncan thought was a good idea. As did Gloria. Cameron tried to talk them out of it, but it was the only way to keep the parents around. It actually worked until Gloria and Dr. Duncan were the last two standing. Dr. Duncan whipped one at Gloria's head before Cam's whistle and tried to "apologize," which Gloria took as reason to attack her. And Dr. Duncan fought back. This in spite of the fact Cameron was in the middle. Literally. Haley's plan to make a pile of styrofoam peanuts to get them away from Asher's lawn went as well as you might guess. Mitchell went to pick them up again and succeeded in knocking over Asher's drum of recycled cooking oil. But at least Phil and Jay could bond...once Phil got the football game on the big projection screen in the auditorium. Meanwhile, Cam was doing his best work as a teacher, playing peacemaker between Gloria and Dr. Duncan, who was only determined to get Wesley the D.C. trip because she was divorced and Wesley thinks his father is much better, even though he doesn't do a thing to help. Gloria could certainly sympathize with that and told her it would get better. Alex met with the therapist and thought she had made a mistake because the guy looked way too old to deal with her problems. The therapist asked her to take a deep breath and say exactly what was on her mind at that moment. She forgot to charge her computer, she needed to get index cards to study and hoped she could get blue ones because they helped her memorize better for some reason and maybe she needed a stronger prescription for her eyeglasses and whether she should get a summer job to make it look better on her college application and whether or not Hilary Clinton will run for President in 2016. (which took her all of 30 seconds to say) Even the therapist thought Alex had a lot on her plate. Now he had something to go on, particularly when Alex admitted she was obsessed as a young girl to win a spelling bee, even though there was no prize, no recognition, and not even her parents knew about it. She felt like she had to win it. And now she felt more pressure to win because everyone expected more of her. At least that was how she felt. And the fact that the rest of the family couldn't understand why she felt that way made her think she was alone in the world. But maybe she wasn't. After visiting Alex's third teacher, Claire did some of the math on how many hours of homework each teacher was giving her, and it was basically from after school until 11 at night...with not even a break for dinner. And that didn't factor in studying for the SATs. Claire's first words to Alex were how proud she was to handle all of that pressure; she couldn't even handle 2 hours of listening to what the students went through. Alex broke down and cried, hugging Claire tightly. Mitchell apologized for spilling the oil, and everybody helped clean up. Asher admitted he didn't have a lot of friends because of how intense he was about staying green. That and it takes forever to cook a chicken with a solar-powered house. Mitchell invited him over for dinner, and Lily even offered to let him play with her dollhouse. ASHER: Is it made from sustainable materials? LILY: Forget it!

13Three Dinners

The Dunphys and Pritchetts are out at dinner tonight. Here are their stories... CLAIRE, PHIL, AND HALEY Claire and Phil have had a lot of difficulty with Haley. She seems quite unmotivated, taking a lot of selfies, sleeping ten hours a day, and missing half of the three classes she takes each week. Yelling and screaming don't seem to work, so Claire and Phil try to take her out to dinner and talk some sense into her, even trying to get her to notice their waiter and see what his plans are. (PHIL: I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me. I mean I want his lips on my mouth.) Short-term, he was going to go home and smoke some weed. Long-term, he wanted to be a screenwriter. Claire and Phil still think that's a lot more than Haley wants to do. As it turns out, Haley did have a plan. Those selfies were pictures of her in different outfits and she was writing a blog about them. Aside from a few pervs who kept asking her what she was wearing, she got a lot of fashion questions from women and had over 1,200 followers, even making a few bucks in the process. She thought a career in fashion photography had potential. Certainly it was more than what either Claire or Phil were doing at her age. Phil wanted to be a magician, and Claire had changed her major almost every week, according to Grandpa Jay, who Haley would rather drink with than her own parents. As the night wore on and the drinks kept coming (for Phil and Claire, not Haley), she asked her parents what their plans were, turning the tables a bit, when Alex, Luke, and her were out of the house for good. Phil wanted to buy an RV and drive across the country with their dog Merlin, but Claire wanted to fly to India, Africa...(PHIL: Diarrhea, diarrhea). Haley pressed on, asking Claire how long she planned to keep running Jay's business and whether Phil wanted to sell houses for the rest of his life or try to become a magician like he wanted. And Phil and Claire were too plowed to remember to bring their money, so dinner (and the ride home) was on Haley. MITCHELL AND CAMERON It was a night out for Mitch and Cam, and talk of Lily or planning the wedding were verboten. This, unfortunately, didn't leave them much to talk about, despite Cam's attempts to read up on Syria on his smartphone. They did manage to strike up a conversation with the couple at the next table. Katie, according to her boyfriend Brandon, loves sharing food, and the Tuna Tartar did look delicious to Cam. It turns out Katie's father was a Missouri farmer, and Cam just loved the fact she understood the rules of eating on the farm. (CAMERON: In my family, we didn't say Grace; we said "On your mark, get set, go!") Katie excuses herself, and the reserved Brandon (a virtual copy of Mitch) told them he was about to propose to Katie and needed some privacy. Mitchell and Cam agreed, and Cam even offered to videotape it on his phone under the guise of reading an online site so they would have the video forever. Mitch was afraid Cam would give it away, Cam denied it. Brandon proposed....and Cameron DIDN'T screw it up. But Mitchell...didn't screw it up, either. Katie saying no...now THAT screwed it up! Brandon was flabbergasted and excused himself from the table. Katie tried to explain to Mitch and Cam that she didn't want to be in a relationship where they had nothing in common and spent dinners as a couple not talking to each other. And despite the fact Mitch and Cam didn't have much to converse about, Mitchell told her he could not picture his life without Cameron, who felt the same way. Brandon returned, and Katie told him she tried to picture her life without him...and could. (oops) She left, leaving Mitch and Cam to console Brandon with a lot of scotch and promises she wasn't the right girl for him and he could definitely do better. Then, of course, Katie comes back and decides she just got cold feet and wanted to marry Brandon. Mitchell and Cameron left before they could do any more damage. JAY, GLORIA, AND SHORTY Jay and Gloria had dinner with his friend, Shorty, and his girlfriend Darlene . They had a big announcement for Jay: they were moving to Costa Rica. With the lower cost of living, they could afford a huge place with their own private beach, and Shorty figured the humid weather would be just like being in the sauna...only he wouldn't have to see wrinkly Jay. Jay, knowing Shorty's track record, told him he gave it only three months. It was Shorty's pattern, according to Jay. Do something crazy without any thought to it, give up after he became broke and come crawling back to Jay begging for money. Jay put his foot down and said he wouldn't bail Shorty out this time, and Shorty took offense, walking out of the house. Gloria and Manny, however, thought there was a lot more going on than that. She "accused" Jay of being the most sensitive person she knew. Jay had a pattern as well to push people away before they had a chance to hurt him. It turns out there was some validity behind that, since Shorty (real name Vincent) stayed at the hospital with Jay for three days when Mitchell was born a month premature and things were very touch-and-go. Shorty was a true friend to him, and Gloria thought Shorty actually hurt Jay by deciding to move away. Shorty comes back to get the jacket he forgot, and Jay said he didn't mean all the hurtful things he said earlier in the evening. Jay thanked him and told him what a good friend he was, and Shorty said he valued how forthright Jay always was, that he was a self-made stand-up guy that you could always count on. And then the waterworks started and the two ended up hugging each other. GLORIA: To be honest, this is a little girlier than I thought.

14iSpy

Families tend to have some trust issues, and this being a sitcom, we have quite a few of them this week. Forget Phil's "Farewell to VHS Festival" entry of, which Claire was totally on-board for. Haley and Luke both had things to do, and Alex was still working on a reason to get out of it. Haley was quite cryptic about the photography class she had to take in the evening to show off some photos the students took, but she needed something to break up the time between her naps. As for Luke, he was hanging out with Manny and their friend, Xander, whom Claire thought was a bad influence. (PHIL: Claire, you're a tough one to figure out. You say you don't like bad boys but you married one.) Phil was uncomfortable spying on the kids to figure out what was going on, which is why Claire outsourced it to Alex. Jay was in Gloria's doghouse. Apparently, he was having dreams about having a good time with someone he kept calling "baby," a term of endearment he would never use with Gloria. Naturally, she wouldn't tell him, but she wanted to check Jay's mobile phone for any texts or emails, much to his surprise. Meanwhile, Mitchell was having lunch with his friend Brett, who confessed he got calf implants. And he made Mitch promise not to tell anybody, especially Cameron who can be a big blabbermouth. Unfortunately, Mitch has to work on his poker face. Much like giving Lily a doll when they don't want to explain something to her (like how Santa gets to all of those houses), Mitch got Cam a garlic press to throw him off of his incessant line of questioning about what sort of gossip he heard. But since Cam knew Brett was a major drama queen, he knew there was something. (although the garlic press worked on Lily when she pressed on a few of her questions) Mitch broke down and told him about the calf implants and Cam was already preparing to blab it to all of their friends. (CAMERON: We have to host a brunch!) As Alex discovered Haley was part of a big photography exhibit by sneaking into her room and finding the invite, Phil and Claire were tracking Luke's phone and discovering he was nowhere near Xander's house. He said he was at Sammy's, but the GPS said that was wrong, too. It was time to break out the drone. Yes, Phil had a little remote-controlled helicopter with HD camera attached that the real estate office used for their videos...and Phil used to show him making sand angels at the beach. Afraid that Luke and Manny were at a place where kids would get high, it turns out the place they were at...Sammy's Salvage Yard...was where they were filming a movie about zombies. (PHIL: They're making a movie! Without me!) Claire was so happy Luke was still their little boy. Until she realized the drone was still flying over their heads. Sure enough, Luke and Manny spotted it and Phil and Claire had to high tail it away. Thankfully, the kids thought was trying to steal their idea. The McCarthy era continues back at home. Jay thinks Gloria went through the emails on his phone, but she denies it. Of course, now she wants to see the phone, but Jay hits some buttons and "accidentally" calls Alex to find out how to delete emails. And now Claire wants to know why Alex just deleted a text from Mitchell. She wouldn't confess, nor would Mitch about what they talked about. People's phones were their own business, according to Mitchell, who was now trying to get Cam's phone after hearing constant text message beeps, followed by Cam laughing. It was time for some truth to come out, and it just so happened everyone made it to the gallery for Haley's presentation...much to Haley's shock. Luke figured out it was Phil's drone that spied on them, and Claire said she was afraid they were smoking pot. Which was not likely, given how judgmental Manny was about that sort of thing. Gloria still demanded to know what was on Jay's phone, thinking it was related to his dream. It wasn't; Jay gave some money to one of the waitresses at the club because her ne'er-do-well boyfriend totaled her car. The dream was about Joseph getting out onto the ledge of a tall building and Jay was having a nightmare, not a good dream. (Actually, it was Stella, not his son, but what Gloria doesn't know...) Cameron told everyone they were being ridiculous and that everyone's entitled to some privacy...after which Mitchell snatched his phone to prove Cam was gossiping. This gave Claire a chance to grab Alex's phone...only to discover she was going to get Claire a nice birthday present and asked Mitch what the wine was he served at New Year's that Claire liked so much. Alex was upset Claire didn't trust her. CLAIRE: Oh, I guess we're even because Mitch said he was suprised I remember anything from that night, to which you responded Hahahahaha!!!!! ALEX: (concedes) Seems fair. They find Haley's display, which is pictures of everybody, all quite good. Well, not the best for Claire, who was staring jealously at Gloria's cleavage and Mitch looked like he was enjoying the gossip as much as Cam. Haley arrives and is shocked to see everybody. She demanded to know who invited everyone, and Alex had to admit Claire making her going into her room to see the invite. All three kids were livid, but Claire fired back. CLAIRE: You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent! To figure out what's going on with your kid when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair! It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices. And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing it, TOUGH! Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night! CAMERON: (aside) I thought it was the wine. Haley's anger is short-lived. The first purchase at the gallery was for Haley's picture of Claire and Gloria. Haley was excited! And Jay said it was a beautiful picture of Gloria. CLAIRE: (pissed) I'm in it, too, Dad.

15The Feud

Phil's unending battle with Gil Thorpe seems to be just that: unending. He even had to give Gil his necklace...sorry, medallion...back because Thorpe was the new social chair for the local realty association. Didn't take long for Gil to pick it up and rub it in Phil's face. And if you thought Gil was done for the night, he wasn't. Luke was having his first match with his school's wrestling team and trying to make weight like all wrestlers do: sweating it out with no regard to hygiene or the house's other occupants. But it turns out Luke's first opponent was Gil Thorpe's kid, who was an excellent wrestler. Phil changed tactics from his usual "just have fun" advice to wanting Luke to beat this kid within an inch of his life. Luke probably should have counted on Jay being more reasonable about it, but no such luck. Jay had this one person who always seemed to be around when he was at his worst, like Jay's fear of being trapped in an elevator or tearing up thanks to the disinfectant sprayed on the wrestling mats. In both cases, the same guy gave him some Kleenex and tortured him about being such a wuss. That guy was Gil Thorpe's father . Now both Jay and Phil wanted Luke to kick Thorpe's behind, but to no avail. He was pinned in only a few seconds. While Manny and Gloria tried to avoid embarrassment at the museum...Manny because he was wearing squeaky shoes and Gloria because she was having an allergic reaction to her medication...Mitchell and Cameron had asked Claire to pick up Lily from school before her sales meeting because they had to meet with a director of photography for their wedding. They conveniently left out the little detail that some of the kids may have caught a case of head lice. Sure enough, Claire spent her entire meeting scratching her hair without even knowing of the little parasites up there. Of course, the client was thrilled with her sales pitch and figured they were well past handshakes, so he went in for a hug. As Haley and Alex tried to escape their basement from the possum that had made it down the stairs, Phil and Jay took Luke out to eat but were feeling guilty about letting their war with the Thorpes trickle down to Luke. The look of disappointment they gave Luke when he lost still haunted them, but Luke figured it was his first time wrestling and he would eventually get better. They were relieved...until they saw Luke attack Thorpe's kid in the restaurant. Gil tried to pull Luke off, Phil tried to pull Gil off, Gil's dad tried to pull him off, and Jay tried to pull Gil's dad off. It turns out Gil's kid was choking and Luke saved his life. On the car ride home, Phil and Jay both said how proud they were of Luke to take the high road. Except Luke had interpreted Gil's kid giving the sign for choking as a statement of how Luke wrestled. Phil and Jay decided they should all keep quiet about that. The good news was, the Dunphy house was well prepared for dealing with lice and had a kit that Cameron and Lily could use. After getting scared to death by Haley, Alex, the possum, and one of those blow-up streamers you see on car lots, everything settled down. And Gil Thorpe came by to say how classy Luke was for helping his kid. Of course, that didn't stop Gil Thorpe from being a jerk to Phil, so Phil decided to introduce Gil to Lily. And show that Lily's favorite thing was a piggy-back ride. GIL: Ah, these little buggers always love me. PHIL: That's the plan!

16Spring-A-Ding-Fling

Mitchell was excited to be starting at the Center for Justice, which Cameron was disappointed about being only a law firm instead of a den for superheroes, but that's how life works. Mitchell's old law school friend convinced him to work there. But Cameron had an important night ahead, since the school's Spring-A-Ding Fling (he added the Ding) was going on and was a big fundraiser thanks to his efforts. Phil had a big night as well, being the host of the SCARB (Southern California Annual Realtors Banquet), which Claire couldn't attend. But Haley would, but only because Phil almost caught her sneaking her friends and some beer into the house one late night and she had to cover herself quickly. Of course, Phil thought Haley was a real estate star in the making herself, given he used to take her to open houses when she was younger. Claire was actually headed to the dance Cameron organized, as were both Luke and Alex, both of whom had dates for the dance. Claire wasn't happy Luke's date, Rhonda, was playing in the mud with Luke beforehand. She sent Rhonda upstairs to get the dirt off of her face (CLAIRE: Just give me a good shake like a dog before you go inside.) and get cleaned up while she pretended she was OK with Alex and Drew going to the dance ironically and making fun of the kids who took it seriously. Mainly because she thought Alex really liked Drew and didn't want anybody to know that. CLAIRE: Now there ARE the pushy, obnoxious moms who try to get involved, nudge them towards one another and...we mean well. Jay and Gloria had babysitting duties for Joseph and Lily. Unfortunately, Gloria's purse somehow ended up on the floor and her smartphone broke as a result. Since Joseph couldn't walk yet, the blame went towards Lily. Lily blamed Joseph, claiming he walked to the table and pulled the purse down. Jay tried the "good cop" approach with Lily, saying he once took the heat for his little brother when they accidentally threw rocks through their dad's car. Gloria went with "bad cop," taking away the stuffed animals Lily liked and keeping her in her bedroom until she confessed. But she didn't crack. She kept claiming Joseph walked over to the purse, even showing some baby powder on the floor where Joseph had walked and broken something of hers. Jay and Gloria finally called her out on it, but Lily didn't cave, even trying to call Joseph to walk over to her. Which he did. Suddenly Jay and Gloria felt like complete dummies. Which they should have, because it really was Lily who broke the phone. She took Joseph's shoes and made imprints in the baby powder and was just lucky Joseph picked that moment to walk. Mitchell's first day at the new law firm was off to a weird start. His law school friend, Wendy, showed him around, even introducing him to the dog who just threw up recently. However, there were bad signs all around, such as when Wendy yelled at an intern for an outfit worn at a business dinner the prior night, the notes inside of his new desk that said "run" and "get out or you will die", and a co-worker telling him not to make plans for Sunday night followed by Wendy shoving him down the hallway. Two other people complained about how conditions were deplorable, and finally Wendy ordering Mitchell to groom Rex. So, Mitchell went to get the stinky dog washed, but he decided he would stand up to Wendy for what everybody else couldn't. Or didn't need to. You see where this is going, right? Mitchell misinterpreted everything as Wendy being the boss from hell. However, Wendy was talking about the business outfit her gay intern had gotten for her, lamenting she found the only gay guy with no sense of style. Sunday night was for the barbeque party they were having, Wendy was shoving a person out the door so they would stop working and go enjoy their anniversary. The notes were reminders of a former co-worker to run and get into shape. The conditions that were deplorable were the cause of a slumlord, and Rex was the intern Mitchell was supposed to groom, not the dog. At the dance, both Cameron and Claire were having problems. Cameron's problem was the returning Spanish teacher whom Cameron replaced as most popular among the faculty. Claire's problem was meddling too much with her kids' social life. Luke didn't like the fact that Rhonda was cleaned up and wearing a nice dress, and Claire very much overdid the hints when she told Drew she wouldn't be home when he dropped Alex off after the dance. Naturally, Alex wanted Claire to disappear, but that wasn't going to happen when they had the "faculty dance" portion of the evening. Determined to out-duel his rival, Cameron pulls Claire onto the dance floor to make his mark on the dance. (CAMERON: It's CammerTime.) Of course, Claire really wanted to disappear. Phil was the hostest with the mostest at the banquet, even doing his own intro. Instead of a speech, he had a whole song-and-dance routine for the evening...and this show should be shot for ruining Styx's Come Sail Away for me FOREVER. Unfortunately, Phil fell off the stage during the show when he noticed Haley texting rather than watching his performance. Phil was both mad at Haley and depressed she wasn't into real estate as much as he was. But then Phil won the Realtor of the Year award, only he had sprained his ankle when he fell off the stage. Haley went up on stage and accepted the award for him, saying he was an awesome father. And since Phil didn't get a chance to finish his speech, she finished it for him, having heard him practice it enough times. (HALEY: Margaret Furman is here. Heads up to her date: she's been upside-down in more houses than Fannie Mae. Or in her case, Fannie Definitely-Will.) JAY/GLORIA/MITCHELL/CAMERON/: (voiceovers) We all want people to think the best of us, so we sometimes cover things up to protect ourselves. But we don't have to be afraid, because the truth is always a good thing. The truth sets us free. Brings us closer. CAMERON: (to Lily) So, do you want to tell us how Joseph's shoes ended up on the wrong feet? LILY: (still not admitting it) I guess the little guy learned how to put on his own shoes.

17Other People's Children

It's male-bonding day when Jay takes Luke into the garage to show him the way around tools and impart some manly wisdom, and Gloria goes with Claire and Lily to shop for Lily's flower girl dress. Elsewhere, Mitch, Cam, Alex and Manny go for a cultured day at the museum but it eventually becomes survival of the smartest. And Phil enthusiastically offers to help Andy with his anniversary gift to his girlfriend.

18Las Vegas

On a trip to Las Vegas, Jay wheels and deals to get a better room, Claire tries to win back the money she lost last year, Phil tries to get into a magician's club, and Cameron chooses a bachelor party over a spa day with Mitchell. |

19A Hard Jay's Night

Jay's plans to host a family evening are derailed when Phil gets in trouble trying to sell Gloria's old apartment and Mitchell doesn't approve of the wedding topper Cameron's father made. |

20Australia

The entire family tags along as Phil fulfills his mom's wish for him to return to his roots and visit the country where he was conceived, Australia. Unfortunately, Phil's attempts to embrace his native land are met by a lot of rejection, while Jay and Claire let work eat into vacation time, and Mitch and Cam get reacquainted with an old friend they can't stand but is now a big-time celebrity in Australia.

21Sleeper

Phil fails at his one task to stay home and wait for the repairman, forcing him to tell an elaborate lie to hide the truth from Claire, but the stress is more than he can physically handle. Meanwhile, Gloria is obsessing over the family portrait she is responsible for organizing this year. Claire accuses Cam of being too snobby to use her girls' hand-me-downs and Jay secretly enters Stella in a dog show.

22Message Received

Jay, Gloria and Manny challenge each other to step outside their comfort zone and try something new. Mitch and Cam's wedding is getting too big and costly so they resort to selling a couple of their prized possessions, and the kids play a joke on Phil and Claire.

23The Wedding, Part 1

Mitchell and Cameron's wedding day has arrived, but Pepper Saltzman has to solve a slew of problems. Jay and Gloria let Cameron's family stay at their place, and Claire takes being Best Woman to heart. |

24The Wedding, Part 2

A series of mishaps and unruly guests threaten to undermine Mitchell and Camerson's wedding. |

1The Long Honeymoon

Cameron isn't ready to conclude his honeymoon with Mitchell after their wedding. Gloria takes Jay to task over his appearance. The Dunphys must ready themselves for the return to school. |

2Don't Push

Phil, Luke, and Haley cause nothing but aggravation for Alex when they tag along on her tour of Caltech. Jay and Gloria have trouble finding the perfect gifts for their anniversary. |

3The Cold

The Dunphys are down with a cold, thanks to Phil. Jay and Gloria try to help Manny deal with playing football, and Cameron doesn't know how much playtime to give him. Mitchell debates with Lily's new friend, Sydney. |

4Marco Polo

The Dunphys move into a cramped hotel room while their house is getting treated for mold and Phil sees this as an opportunity to spend some quality time together but Claire and the kids are less than enthused. Gloria becomes over protective when Manny starts dating an older, popular girl, and Cameron is under a lot of pressure to maintain his team's winning streak but when he realizes Mitchell may be a jinx, emotions run high.

5Won't You Be Our Neighbor

The Dunphys try to persuade the perfect couple to move in next door, Manny dates the daughter of Jay's biggest nemesis, and Mitchell and Cameron try to get Lily a new teacher.

6Halloween 3: AwesomeLand

Phil takes over Halloween decorating duties from Claire. Jay is upset when he wants to dress up as Prince Charming but Gloria buys him a Shrek costume. Mitchell has a problem in court with the stenographer working in a scary costume. |

7Queer Eyes, Full Hearts

Haley and Andy start spending a lot of time together. Gloria wants Manny to learn Spanish at school instead of French, and a reporter takes more than a passing interest in Cameron and Mitchell's lives. |

8Three Turkeys

Phil and Luke take over Thanksgiving duties but Claire readies an emergency plan. Jay and Gloria get their holiday plans interrupted and regret not telling anyone. Cameron has to think of a way to get Lily to wear a dress for dinner. |

9Strangers in the Night

When Alex tells Phil and Claire she has a boyfriend, they worry the pressure they have put on her caused her to make up an imaginary boyfriend. Jay and Gloria both have parties that they are dragging one another to, but Jay has a clever plan to get himself out of it. Too bad Manny just might spoil everything. Mitch and Cam just got a beautiful white couch, but it is threatened by Brenda, the co-worker who is staying with them.

10Haley's 21st Birthday

Haley celebrates her 21st birthday, but will anything go wrong?

11The Day We Almost Died

While driving out to get breakfast, the Dunphys including Manny have a near death experience causing everyone to reevaluate their lives...

12The Big Guns

The Dunphys want their neighbors to move their boat out the driveway, Jay is determined to potty train his son while Manny learns the hard way he wasn't a special child, and Mitchell disapproves when Cam trains Lily to be Fizbo's sidekick.

13Rash Decisions

When Phil thinks Luke is giving him the cold shoulder. Andy becomes Phil's new right-hand man. Meanwhile, Jay may have to give Stella away because Joe is allergic to her, and Mitchell savors being the popular guy in the office. |

14Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister

Claire has difficulty in accepting that Phil is more interested by her alter-ego Juliana. Gloria's sister tries to seduce Jay. Mitch and Cam have to get back a present for their friend Anders. |

15Fight or Flight

Jay shows Manny how to defend himself whilst Mitch and Cam decide to throw Sal a belated baby shower. |

16Connection Lost

Claire is stuck at an airport and trying to digitally track down Haley after an argument. |

17Closet? You'll Love It!

Jay and Claire scramble to shoot a commercial in response, but there might be some creative differences between father and daughter. A peeping-Tom in the neighborhood keeps using a drone to spy on Gloria. |

18Spring Break

For Spring Break, Claire does some spring cleaning, while Luke outperforms Phil at everything. Also, Haley takes Alex to a music festival and Jay and Gloria have to give up one bad habit, but Mitch and Cam's presence may interfere with their plans.

19Grill, Interrupted

Jay's birthday brings everyone together and Phil is beside himself over the super cool gift he got Jay...

20Knock Em Down

Jay agrees to sub in on Cam's bowling team, not knowing it's an all-gay league. |

21Integrity

While making errands, Phil and Jay have a bad time, because of their wives. Claire attempts to give Luke a reward and Gloria teaches Haley how to stand up at work. Joe is watched by Mitch and Cam. |

22Patriot Games

Alex is not satisfied when she is named co-valedictorian, and neither is her competitor. Gloria prepares to take her citizenship exam until she finds out the real reason Jay wants her to take it. Mitch and Cam consider joining a protest. |

23Crying Out Loud

Claire thinks about leaving her job with her Jay. Phil, Haley and Luke take Alex on her "senior ditch day." Mitch and Cam are worried that Lily doesn't show empathy. Gloria tries to drive a wedge between Manny and his girlfriend. |

24American Skyper

As Alex finally graduates from high school, Phil uses Skype because he stuck in Seattle. Mitchell loses his job and Claire has to find the perfect gift for Alex while Andy is caught between Haley and Beth. |

1Summer Lovin

Haley tries to stop Andy from proposing to Beth, which forces herself and Andy to come to terms with...

2The Day Alex Left for College

Phil and Claire are feeling a little snubbed by their kids when Alex intentionally gives them the wrong...

3The Closet Case

Being the cool dad that he is, Phil helps Haley convince Claire to allow Dylan to move in temporarily...

4She Crazy

Phil builds a habitat for the duck eggs and convinces Lily to help him hatch them; Claire is anxious about telling Jay her ideas for closets; Gloria and Manny assist each other with their "crushes"; Cam bonds with frat guys. |

5The Verdict

Gloria has to participate in a jury duty while Jay struggles in order to put Joe in a good preschool. Phil tags along with Manny and Luke's class for a community service day, while 'Take your daughter to work day' allows Claire to introduce her daughters to the professional world. Mitch and Cam both want to invite their respective friends to a party and ask Gloria for help.

6The More You Ignore Me

Phil's insecurities about not being rebellious enough come to a head when Luke and Alex are caught in less than favourable circumstances.

7Phil's Sexy, Sexy House

After a conversation about the sexy and sleek house that Phil is helping Mitch and Cam's friend sell, everyone gets the same bright idea to sneak in there and have a little "fun." |

8Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

Gloria won a bid at the school auction for a family seminar with famed doctor and author Debra Radcliffe, whose self-help book 'Clean Out Your Junk Drawer' encourages people get out all their emotional junk to become healthier people.

9White Christmas

In hopes of the perfect white Christmas she never had in Colombia, Gloria rents a cabin in the mountains for the whole family, including Andy, to celebrate the Christmas holiday. |

10Playdates

The Dunphy kids make a last-minute birthday surprise for Mitchell, and run into Ray Liotta. Jay is uncomfortable with the father of Joe's new play date. Claire asks Phil to not pick up the bill at lunch. Cam helps Lily with a new crush.

11Spread Your Wings

Sick of having the ducklings around the house, Claire and the kids seize an opportunity to help expedite the ducks leaving the nest while Phil is off visiting Alex at college. Meanwhile, Jay helps Mitch with Lily's sleepover with her friends from her Vietnamese dance troupe; and Gloria and Cam are off on a hot pepper heist carefully orchestrated by Manny in order to meet a big hot sauce delivery deadline.

12Clean for a Day

Claire efforts at cleaning house brings resistance from her family and a bittersweet memory for Alex. While Jay sneaks off for flying lessons with Cameron, Mitchell tries to help Gloria learn how to play golf.

13Thunk in the Trunk

Claire's new position means Phil feels like a housewife. Gloria's provocative sauce ad gets Jay jealous. Mitch and Cam rent the apartment above their own, but end up spying on their guests |

14The Storm

During an electrical storm, Phil tries too hard to prove that he's useful, Jay desperately tries to make an appointment at a bar, Manny has an embarrassing moment with Claire, and Mitch and Cam try to save Lily's failing birthday party.

15I Don't Know How She Does It

Claire is seamlessly balancing her family life with her new work ethic, and while the kids are loving it Phil struggles to understand how she's achieving this. Meanwhile, Gloria and Jay cut corners behind each other's backs so they can have a break from a needy Joe, while Cameron and Mitchell are treated strangely at their friends' wedding and have to try and work out who they have offended and how.

16The Cover-Up

Phil has a new client who happens to be "his type," Meanwhile, Gloria suspects her yoga instructor has the hots for her and asks Claire to come with her to class, but the instructor ends up giving Claire a lot of inappropriate attention. |

17Express Yourself

Phil has the crazy idea of going on a spontaneous trip to Paris with Claire; the only problem is that they are both so ridiculously tired but try to push through it. |

18The Party

Manny and Luke are in charge of babysitting Lily so that the adults can enjoy a day to themselves. Claire...

19Man Shouldn't Lie

When Claire hides a stray dog she's taken in from Phil he starts to suspect her unusual behaviour. Also, Gloria invites a new couple over and Jay begrudgingly enjoys their company, and Cameron rents out the upstairs apartment to a rockband.

20Promposal

Mitchell helps Luke out with his "promprosal," sparking Cam's jealousy. Claire discovers that there is a mole for Jay in the company. Phil and Gloria confront a competitor who stole Gloria's sauce recipe. |

21Crazy Train

The family travels by train to Dede's wedding. Phil and Cam help a mystery writer with his book, Jay's comment puts the wedding in jeopardy, Claire helps Mitch write the toast, and Luke and Alex meet possible romantic interests.

22Double Click

Jay struggles as he returns to the job, and Claire is in a no-win situation having to fire an employee. Mitchell and Cam fight over who keeps Lily for the summer. Meanwhile, Phil and the kids struggle with relationships and change. |

1A Tale of Three Cities

The three families will be in three different citys. The Dunphys will be in New York, Jay and Gloria will attend a wedding in Mexico and Mitchell and Cameron will attend a funeral in Missouri.

2A Stereotypical Day

Jay wants to make a good impression on a family moving in across the street; Manny tries to attract a radical thinker; the Pritchett family uses Alex's bout of mono to their advantage; Cam and Mitchell try to teach a message of acceptance.

3Blindsided

The Dunphys and Pritchetts are competing when Luke decided his best shot at getting into college is...

4Weathering Heights

Phil is excited when he's invited to appear in a real estate segment for the local news; Phil meets his weatherman hero, Rainer Shine; Jay tries to improve Manny's video interview for a college application. |

5Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook

The Dunphy's try to kick start Luke's Halloween party; Cam confronts his Halloween nemesis; Jay plans to go to a party at an old enemy's home to deliver an unforgettable trick. |

6Grab It

Phil considers becoming a member at Jay's favorite refuge; Claire is mistaken about her influence on Alex's choices; Cam holds back on telling Mitchell what his play is really about. |

7Thanksgiving Jamboree

Cameron spares no expense for his Thanksgiving jamboree; Hayley tells Phil she'd rather spend the holiday with her new boyfriend; Jay works to keep his blood pressure down; Alex and Dwight get closer. |

8The Alliance

Hayley's day with Rainer Shine's daughter doesn't go as expected; Luke unintentionally helps Jay with his petition; Gloria, Phil and Cam have a secret meeting. |

9Snow Ball

Manny and Luke's efforts to put on the school's winter dance get complicated due to a texting error; Gloria, Claire, Mitchell and Cam volunteer at the dance while Jay tries to get out of it by pretending he wants to spend time with Phil. |

10Ringmaster Keifth

Cam wants to throw a New Year's Day feast for the family. Phil's father arrives with his new girlfriend...

11Sarge & Pea

Cam goes to the extremes to confront a parent who robbed him of a precious Lily moment during her dance recital. |

12Do You Believe in Magic

Phil calls upon his alter ego to inject some sizzle back into his marriage; Jay shows favoritism in his parenting; Haley and Sal try to stand up to men in their lives.

13Do It Yourself

Phil talks Jay into investing in a property he has long wanted to develop; Claire's culinary ventures aren't as successful as she thinks; Cam and Mitchell try to teach Lily the value of hard work. |

14Heavy Is the Head

Phil and Jay get an offer to sell a land investment for a 20 percent profit but turn it down. Cam is petrified to have an MRI so Mitchell tries to ease his fear. Gloria arranges a birthday surprise at Claire's work at an inconvenient time.

15Finding Fizbo

After seeing an online video of his Fizbo costume being desecrated, Cam sets out to restore the character's good name; Phil meets his soon-to-be stepbrother; Manny enlists Gloria, Claire and Haley to do a read-through of his newest play. |

16Basketball

NBA stars Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan attend the charity basketball game Phil is playing in; Gloria's nemesis tries to shame her for lack of support at Manny's school; Claire tries to keep a work mistake secret from Jay.

17Pig Moon Rising

Mitchell accidentally knocks over an urn containing the ashes of Cam's beloved pet pig, Lilly; Cam tries to catch Mitchell in a lie. |

18Five Minutes

Mitch and Cam have five minutes to make their flight; Haley and Rainer have five minutes to re-evaluate their relationship; Claire and Phil have five minutes to meet Alex's new boyfriend; Manny has five minutes to try to find the perfect parking space for his bickering parents.

19Frank's Wedding

Phil gets the Dunphy clan to show up in costume for Frank's Roaring '20s-themed wedding; Jay masters the art of saying no; Cam stands up to his sister, Pam. |

20All Things Being Equal

Gloria, Claire, Haley, Alex, Lily, Luke and Manny show support for gender equality and the women's movement...

21Alone Time

Mitch and Jay end up at the same resort when they separately seek out a retreat from the family; Phil and Claire struggle to enjoy empty-nester life; not knowing what to do with himself while Mitch is away, Cam drops in on Gloria. |

22The Graduates

Jay picks up the pieces after Manny's father takes him out to celebrate graduation; the family prepares for Luke and Manny's big day. |