5And Then the Bill Comes
Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room.
"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on."
He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire."
Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time.
"He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network."
He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says.
He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says.
"Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are All Right".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer.
He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."
12Hold Your Finish
Owen welcomes potential customers to the dealership's free carwash. His dad only notices that Lawrence is being pushy to the cars lining up.Inside, Terry watches his leprechaun commercial again and lets Lawrence have the customers who walk in, even though they're tied for the sales month ending tomorrow.Joe watches the surveillance video of him getting pushed around and destroys the tape.At the diner, Owen complains about his dad watching his every move. Joe's busted tooth is still bothering him. Terry thinks it's lucky he ran back into Dory.The waitress brings Joe a bran muffin with a candle in it for his birthday. Terry and Owen encourage him going into his pro-qualifying tournament. Owen can't make it, but Terry can since he's been selling so well.On a test drive with a customer, the customer says he can't pull the trigger. Terry points at the birds on the wire and references their independence. They share a good laugh when a honk scares them off.Joe's kids bring him birthday presents. Lucy gave him golf balls painted like she used to and Albert stole a driver cover from their grandfather for luck.When the kids leave, Joe quickly loses the warm fuzzies and panics.Owen gets off the phone with someone, thanking them for the additional 30 days.Terry goes to tell Owen he wants to quit because working there has showed him what he can do if he applies himself. Owen thinks Terry is doing his usual thing, bailing when he gets comfortable, but he thanks him for what he's done. Terry hasn't told Erin yet.Erin gets ready to leave for work. Terry brings out coffee. He tells Erin he quit and wants to get into directing. Naomi has a commercial next week he wants to hang around to learn. She's late for work but is clearly not pleased and freaked out that she just gave up her apartment.At the dealership, Owen's dad criticizes him for the carwash. He notices the carwash is backed up and goes to investigate.He finds that Lawrence got stuck in it. The employees start to complain about the carwash and Owen decides to tell them things aren't great. He knows they've been selling a lot, but he needs them to do more. He wins them over making fun of his own carwash idea. Owen Sr. stalks away in a huff.At the golf course, Joe obsesses over what clubs to use. Albert decides for him and prays before he tees off. Lucy cheers him on. His tee shot is good and he relaxes a little.Owen talks to the same customer who came by yesterday. He gets mad when Owen says the wash is broken and drives off shouting that he should stop lying to people.Terry arrives to cheer on Joe.Owen Sr. criticizes his son for "airing their laundry" to the staff. They're interrupted by the angry carwash freeloader who is shouting on a bullhorn outside.On the course, Joe is doing well when Albert suddenly realizes they have too many clubs. Joe reports himself. It's a two stroke penalty. Albert feels awful.
Joe starts playing like crap and is suddenly 3-over. Albert keeps blaming himself, but Joe tells him they're a team.Owen goes out to the customer and offers to hand wash his car for free. The customer agrees, but Owen Sr. steps in and tells him he's not getting anything. He rips up the flyer and shoves the man against his car. Owen Sr. tosses the man's bullhorn in the street, where it gets run over."Who you trying to beat here, him or me?" Owen asks his dad.
Owen sr. tells Lawrence to go get the bullhorn in the street, but Jr. says he doesn't have to. Owen Sr. bellows at everyone to get it, but no one moves. Owen Sr. goes to get it himself and steps in front of a speeding car and nearly gets hit."This place is beyond repair," Owen Sr. says as he storms off.Albert suggests a cautious approach on a tee, but Joe decides to go for it. He reminds him to "hold your finish."
Joe hits the green. He chips in and holes it for a birdie. He keeps playing great, with Lucy's flower golf balls. Near the end, Albert points out if Joe knocks a putt in he'll make the cut. It's a 30 footer and he gives it a valiant try, but misses the hole by four feet. He distractedly tries to tap it in, but misses, adding two strokes. He finishes even, six strokes back.Terry tries to give him a pep talk after, but Joe is feeling OK about it. "Did you see Albert and Lucy out there today? That should be enough," he says.
Terry listens to what he's saying and leaves.Joe breaks his club over his knee.Owen addresses the troops. He thanks everybody for standing by him and presents Lawrence with his sales win.Owen Sr. has a milkshake and contemplates in his car. Then he walks into Scarpulla's dealership.Terry comes home to find lots of boxes, but no Erin.Lucy talks to her dad about an upcoming tournament. The day's rounds are still going on. Albert comes into the clubhouse announcing it's pouring, and old guys can't play in the rain.The leaders fall by the wayside and they go out to watch a guy finish. If he makes his putt, he and Joe are tied for fifth. They watch as the guy taps it and it comes up short. Joe's in.
Lucy and Albert jump for joy.Owen Sr. drives up, telling Jr. he should have left the business when he said he was leaving. He announces that he got Scarpulla to up his offer by 15 percent -- he's selling.Owen Sr. tells Jr. he knows he always resented the place, but Jr. says he's put his heart and soul into the place trying to dig them out of the hole his dad dug. Then he asks his dad what he's supposed to do if he sells.His dad says it's just business."You are one pathetic old man," Owen Jr. says.Joe drops his kids off at home. Lucy tries to get him to come in so he doesn't celebrate alone on his big day. He says he'll be fine and drives off.Terry finds Erin at her place, sitting alone in the dark.Erin says they rushed into things. She points out he wants to start a whole new career at 50 because of a car commercial.Terry tries to tell her about the senior tour, like a do-over when you turn 50. He wants to make up for what he's missed and he assures her he already begged for his building manager job back. He asks for a year, and if it doesn't work he'll go back to selling cars.Owen Jr. goes to his parents' house. He sits by his dad at the pool. Sr. says he doesn't know what happened, that it all just went away.
Jr. says he understands what it means now to build a business. And he still wants it.Joe sits home alone. He calls Dory (Sarah Clarke) and tells her his news. She remembers how important it was to him. He checks that she'll be there when he comes in for his appointment next week.
It's not the smoothest move, but it's a move.
