3Scream a Little Dream
We open with a pre-recorded bit, in which Jane Lynch sits down with the faux-President of Television, Leonard Nimoy, who tells her that men find her woman-ish and women find her man-ish. (Alec Baldwin had taped this, but quit when Fox cut a News Corp joke. It's hard not to think Baldwin's comedic timing might have served the bit better than Nimoy's.)Leonard reminds her not to let the audience know that all the stars all live together in a tiny apartment building, which he reveals behind the curtain. Yes, it's weird.
Then it's time for the song, about the magic of television as Jane wanders through.Jeremy Piven and "Lloyd" (Rex Lee) join for a few dance moves, after which Piven wonders what he's doing. "I'm not even on anymore!"
Jane sings about TV crime shows and we see Kevin Nealon, then Eric Dane from "Grey's Anatomy" as she sings about patients being cured in a week.
Jane next wanders into "The Big Bang Theory", then by Marcel from "Top Chef", Randy Jackson from "American Idol," the boys from "Myth Busters" and up to Ron from "Parks and Rec" who tells her to stop singing."I know this seems stupid and shlocky, and already seems overly long, but it's the Emmys, c'mon! Get on board," Jane tells him.And then she sings some more, not taking her own analysis to heart, walking by Andy Richter and the cast of "Mad Men". She tells them about the future, including that people can watch TV on their phones and fast forward through commercials. Don Draper kicks her out.There's a line about on TV high school students look roughly 24 as she walks by a few "Friday Night Lights"ers in a locker room.Then it's Jane into a rally hosted by her "Glee" alter-ego, Sue Sylvester, whom she promptly slushies.Then we're into the auditorium, where the number continues, as Jane sings about TV as a vast wonderland. ("Except for HBO, it's not TV")The dancers lift her in the air for the big finish. "Try doing that in triple-Spanx," she says.
She surveys the audience, picking out her "nodding friends," and noting that "Jon Hamm and I are at 'finger-pistols'."Jane introduces "The Emmy Tones," some actors she roped into joining her, including Zachary Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji Henson, Kate Flannery, Wilmer Valderrama and Joel McHale, presumably friends she had some dirt on.
They sing to introduce the first comedy category. The audience doesn't seem to know what to do with it, but at least is happy to know what Wilmer Valderrama is up to.We see seconds-long clips from a slew of shows, then it's on to Jimmys Fallon and Kimmel.Kimmel congratulates Fallon on his nomination, then asks if he wrote a speech. Fallon says no, because they all know Jon Stewart is going to win. Kimmel then tackles him him to the ground, wresting the prepared speech from his pocket. It contains "notes to self" such as crying on cue and holding the statue like it's the "Lion King" baby.On to best supporting actress in a comedy, Jane Lynch's category.
Julie Bowen from "Modern Family" wins."I don't know what I'm going to talk about next week in therapy now," she says, struggling to compose herself.Juliana Margulies is out next to present "Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy", deadpanning that she's the funniest woman in TV. She notes the category features "that kid from 'Glee' and that guy from 'Pretty in Pink' and four guys from 'Modern Family," she says.The winner is: Ty Burrell from "Modern Family".
He mentions that his dad passed away before he had success and he wonders what he'd think of the fact he goes to work every day in full make-up. Then he thanks all his costars and mentions his dad again.
"If he were here tonight, I think he would say... 'But why the make-up?'."
His dad would like his wife and be impressed that he gets to learn every day, "in the end I think he'd feel like, 'Couldn't you just wear a little powder? Why do you have to look like a harlot?'"Jane welcomes us back and introduces controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais, via satellite. He apologizes that he couldn't be there, and says he wasn't allowed after the Globes. This sets up his bit, that he was warned he'll be edited if he says anything controversial. Some quick cuts ensue, including one that has him calling Fox fantastic in splices.He intros the nominees for "Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series".
The Emmy goes to Michael Alan Spiller for "Modern Family".Zooey Deschanel and Will Arnett are up to present comedy writing. The winners are Steven Levitan and Jeffrey Richman of "Modern Family." The Steven mentions the episode with the kids walking in on their parents came from real life (his wife's eye roll in the audience gets the biggest laugh of the speech).That's four awards, all to the same ABC show. Fox, which is airing the telecast, must be thrilled.Jane welcomes us back to "The Modern Family Awards".
She introduces the next presenter, saying she was his therapist for many years "and apparently I suck." Ladies and Gentlemen, Charlie Sheen, to present "Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series", his old category. He addresses his former "Two and a Half Men" costars, and says from the bottom of his heart, he wishes them continued success. There is no punchline, but plenty of awkward.The winner is Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory". (The announcer who has been offering banal facts as the winners walk up mentions that he eats a lot of peanut butter.)"Oh this is so odd for so many reasons," says the CBS star, going on to not make much more sense as Sheen, the former CBS star, lurks behind him.Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe are out next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in Comedy", they start with Amy Poehler from "Parks & Recreation" and she takes the stage. She's joined by Melissa McCarthy, Martha Plimpton, Edie Falco,Tina Fey and Laura Linney. They hold hold hands like beauty queens and wait. They get a standing ovation as everyone tries to figure out if the bit was planned.The winner is Melissa McCarthy from "Mike and Molly" who can fairly clearly be seen to say "holy s---" when her name is announced. She's presented with roses and a tiara to go with her award."Holy smokes!" she says, acknowledging her sister in the audience. She promises to carry CBS prez Nina Tassler and Les Moonves around later that night.We return to a pre-recorded bit with stars from "The Office" talking about the worst part of their job. Then others stop by, like Jesse (Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad") to bring Creed a bag. He takes it, announcing: "Hey guys, my crystal meth is here!"Kim Kardashian doesn't understand the question and wonders if she's pronouncing "work" right."The Office" mates confer and decide the new boss doesn't seem right, Andy goes to talk to him and finds Ashton Kutcher, wondering if the "beautiful drifter" is in the wrong place.Kutcher plays dumb. "I was wondering where the half man was," he says.The Emmy Tones are back to sing awkwardly about the new combined reality and variety category.Jane Lynch returns. "Everyone was asking me if I have a gay agenda for hosting, and actually I do," she says, taking a list out of her pocket to read from.
"Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is, take the pick-up in for an oil change - nah, I'll do that myself. And there was a third thing, but I must have left it in my fanny pack."David Spade and Kaley Cuoco are out next to introduce best outstanding reality competition. (She towers over him.)
The Emmy goes to "Amazing Race" again. (The announcer says it's a "race to the podium". Groan.)On to best writing for a variety, music or comedy series.
The Colbert Report writers shout their name all at once, SNL's scroll with pictures of Justin Timberlake, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon rolls with puppies dressed up, Jon Stewart's crew does mock up of Newsweek's cover and Conan O'Brien pulls one name from a hat - his."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" wins. It's the show's seventh win.
The writers read a stilted thank you, the joke of which is that Jon Stewart usually proofs their writing, but not this time.Jane wanders the audience, talking to the camera, mentioning that after the show the clothes come off and it's a big sweaty pile.
She introduces "The Lonely Island" and Michael Bolton.
They're on to the Bolton doing captain Jack Sparrow, then Ed Helms, John Stamos and Maya Rudolph doing the "D--- in a box" guys singing "It's Not Gay if It's in a Threeway" (might have to YouTube that for it to make sense). Then Akon comes out singing about just having sex in front of a giant American Flag.Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder are out next to introduce best directing for variety, music or comedy series. The winner is Don Roy King for the "Saturday Night Live" episode with Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga.Anna Paquin and Scott Caan introduce outstanding comedy, variety series, mentioning that "The Daily Show" has won eight years in a row.
It wins again.Jon Stewart is taller than Scott Caan.He gives a special nod to Colbert.More Emmy Tones, introducing drama clips.Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are out next to present best writing for a drama. Kutcher clarifies that he is not Charlie Sheen and doesn't think Cryer is a troll.
The Emmy goes to Jason Katims for "Friday Night Lights".He reads from notes, thanking the cast and crew and his family, ending with the predictable "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."The award for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series is next.
Margo Martindale wins for "Justified". When she takes careful steps up the stage, Ed O'Neill rushes from the audience to help her."Sometimes, things just take time," she says through tears. Her co-stars in the audience are in tears, too. She thanks creator Graham Yost, even though he killed her.Loretta Devine and Paul Crane are out to present drama directing. The winner is Martin Scorsese for "Boardwalk Empire", his first Emmy win.He sees the clock ticking down and resolves to talk a little fast, rattling off names of folks at HBO and his crew.Kerry Washington and Jason O'Mara are out next delivering a rough bit on the side effects of winning an Emmy before "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series".The winner is Peter Dinklage from "Game of Thrones".
He thanks his show creators, somewhat calmly. He thanks his dog sitter named Kitty for taking care of his dog Kevin back in New York.When we return, Anderson Cooper does a fake 360 report about a woman behind the New Jersey TV trend, Donatella, Alberghetti Mangiana D'Borgia, or Jane Lynch in a black win and tons of eye make up. She takes credit for the fact 50 percent of all TV is set in Jersey, including "Sarah Palin's Alaska."The kids from "Jersey Shore" give interviews. "Before I met Donatella, I was just Nicole, a Harvard undergrad. And now I'm Snooki," Snooki attests."She's like a mother to me, because she killed my mother," Pauly says.Brian Cranston and Katie Holmes are up next for "Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series".
The winner is...Julianna Marguiles for "The Good Wife".She addresses her fellow nominees, saying it's a privilege to be among them. She thanks her creators and writers and the CBS folk, "thank you for allowing us to be the show that we are."
She tells her husband "I love being your 'good wife' and I'm so grateful you have no political aspirations."The stars of "Charlie's Angels" are out next with former "Angel" Drew Barrymore to introduce best actor.The winner is...Kyle Chandler. Minka Kelly, his former costar, presents him with the award. "I knew for a fact that I would not be standing here, so I did not write anything. And now I'm starting to worry," he says, before thanking his reps and casting director and all the people who filled the stands around Texas.The Emmy Tones sing about mini-series and movies before being interrupted by LL Cool J rapping over them. In a change of pace for him, he does not remove his shirt.Jane Lynch returns with: "A lot of people wonder why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of 'Entourage'."
They're introducing the miniseries, movie or special - all of the nominees from HBO or PBS.
The Emmy goes to Julian Fellowes for "Downton Abbey" on PBS. (The insipid announcer says Julian is British and from England.)Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries goes to Maggie Smith, who is not in attendance.The accountants from Ernst & Young are out next, but it's really Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul."Me, an accountant? I can barely balance my checkbook," Lynch says."I can barely balance," Abdul offers.Jane introduces the real guys, then it's on to Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler, who note what a good year it was for male roles. They congratulate them on finally breaking through the glass ceiling and tell them not to be afraid to show a little skin.The introduce lead actor in a miniseries, which goes to Barry Pepper. He is also not there.
On to directing in the category.The winner is Brian Percival for "Downton Abbey". Uses his acceptance speech as a chance to make sure your DVR is set up to record the premieres this week. He pretty much just says thanks.The chairman of the Television Academy of Arts and Science is out next for the In Memoriam segment, including Stephen J. Cannell.
Some guys sing "Hallelujah" as the names roll including Harold Gould, Peter Falk, James Arness, Blake Edwards, Barbara Billingsley, Leslie Nielsen, Tom Bosley, Ryan Dunn, "Uncle Frank", Andy Whitfield, Jill Clayburgh, Laura Ziskin and Bubba Smith.Anna Torv and David Boreanaz are out next to present best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie (Torv also acknowledges the singers were the Canadian Tenors).The winner is Guy Pearce for "Mildred Pierce"."It was really a delightful experience making Mildred Pierce, I got to have sex with Kate Winslet every day...To Kate, thank you for allowing me to insert myself into your world of Mildred, and to my wife Kate who had to listen to me talk about that every day when I came home from work," he says.Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes are up next to present outstanding actress in a miniseries.The winner is Kate Winslet for "Mildred Pierce." She hugs her costars and takes the stage, saying she didn't think they were going to win anything.
She thanks the cast and her own mother, saying it doesn't matter how old you get, you always need your "mum."Jane comes back, noting that so many movies stars are doing TV these days that TV stars have to go do voices for video games, which are then made into movies, staring the very people who are putting the TV stars out of work in the first place. "Hakuna matata, my friends. That's the circle of life," she says.Out next is Don Cheadle, for Outstanding Mini-Series or Movie.
"Downton Abbey" wins. Julian Fellowes says it's hard to know what will be a hit, but this evening validates that something did.Maria Bello and William H. Macy are out next for Outstanding Drama Series. The nominees are Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife and Mad Men.The Emmy goes to "Mad Men." Again. Fourth year in a row.Creator Matthew Weiner accepts. He says he didn't think they were going to win, but thanks AMC and the fans and his writing staff. "We all get to work tomorrow and that's all we ever want to do. For us and our families, this is an incredible dream," he says.Gwyneth Paltrow is up next to present Outstanding Comedy."Ok, the prompter's down, so I'm going to wing it: Here are the nominees for best comedy series," she says, showing no great skill at improv.
The nominees are The Big Bang Theory, Glee, Modern Family, The Office, Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock.The Emmy goes to "Modern Family" for the second year in a row.Steven Levitan says that everyone on the stage knows what it's like to have a show tank, so they especially appreciate it. He takes special note of the kids in the cast.
"'Modern Family' was this close to being animated, that's how much we didn't want to work with kids," he says, before praising them.He also mentions a gay couple who approached them on location last year and thanked them for teaching people tolerance. Levitan says they are doing that. "We are showing the world that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a loving committed relationship between an old man and a hot young woman, and looking around this room tonight I see many of you agree," he says."Thank you all very, very much," he says.Jane comes back to sign off, with the Emmy Tones, who can at least be glad their faces were never shown in close-up.
17The Girl Who Fae'd with Fire
The lights go up in the Kodak theater and out comes Morgan Freeman. He opens with history: apparently movies have changed since they began, but we still really like them (paraphrase).
The curtain opens and the video begins. Billy Crystal strapped to a chair in black and white silent "The Artist", being totured to host (so say the cards between scenes). He makes a plug for his movie "Parental Guidance" coming out in November.
Then it's the always-game George Clooney, doing the scene from "The Descendants" where he begs his comatose wife to wake up. Except it's Billy. George fully commits, even going in for the kiss on the lips. George asks Billy to host and promises the youngest, hippest writers in town.
Cut to guys around the table in "Moneyball" -- all oldsters. Jonah Hill agrees he doesn't have enough jokes.
Cut to the car from "Midnight in Paris" pulling up to Billy -- with Justin Bieber inside, "I'm here to get you the 18 to 24 demographic".Pan back to Sammy Davis Jr. (Billy) in the car with Biebs, off to hang out with Hemingway and then go kill Hitler. Billy puts on his Miracle Max and wishes them good luck storming the fuhrer.Biebs signs off with "Good luck, Bob".
(Wrong name intentional.)
Then cut to Billy from the scene in "The Help" -- scarfing down Minny's s*** pie. It tastes delicious.
And then we see the first woman in the Oscars pooping in a sink -- the scene from "Bridesmaids".
He runs and sits down to watch movies from "Hugo" as Tom Cruise busts in the room through the window a la "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol".
Billy chases his reels of movies out the window and ends up in "Tin Tin" racing down the hill on a bike, through motion capture.He flies through the air, into his tux and passed reels of scenes from the nominated movies.He comes out on stage and waves to all the pretty people in the crowd.
He acknowledges the applause. "Wow, that was extremely loud and incredible close," he says.This is the ninth time he's hosted. "Just call me 'War Horse'."They're in the "Chapter 11 theater".
Billy tries a James Earl Jones imitation, quoting "baseball" from "Field of Dreams". It's funny because James Earl Jones says it quickly?
"So tonight, enjoy yourself because nothing can take the sting out the world's economic problems like millionaires presenting each other with golden statues," he closes.
And then it's time for "It's a Wonderful Night for Oscar". He breaks into song. "You didn't think I wasn't going to do this did you?"There are nine movies, a lot to cram in."War House" gets the "Mr. Ed" treatment. "Hugo" to "That's Amore"
"There's no Pesci, no Bob, there's no killing -- no mob, that's Hugo. Tell the truth, for the sequel I prefer you don't be so arty -- ax the kid, shoot Ben Kingsley in the head, 'cuz you're Marty!"He heard "The Tree of Life" even freaked out God."The Descendents" bit ends with a joke about George ending up in bed with Oscar tonight.
Tom Hanks is out to present the first award. He invites everyone in the audience to take note of their seat relative to seal filler Carl Swabo (cut to an old guy in a powder blue tux), who has been filling seats at the Oscars for 59 years. He is currently filling Jennifer Lopez's seat, who is backstage.
He introduces Achievement in Cinematography. The winner is Robert Richardson for "Hugo".He says what everyone is thinking: "I can't believe somebody put cinematography first, it can only go up from this point." Then he thanks some people.
Achievement in Art Direction is next. "Hugo" wins again.
We're back and Billy is back at the "Your Name Here" theater, which he says was designed to look like the movie palaces of our youth.
Time for a trip down movie memory lane, clips from "Forrest Gump" followed by "Titantic" followed by one of those vampire movies the kids today like so much. Hey, it's "Princess Bride"! And Patrick Swayze in "Ghost" and "Jaws" and "Raiders" and top scenes from movie history -- "You can't handle the truth!"
Luke uses the Force, ET wants go home, Jake Lamotta wins, Dustin Hoffman is walking here! Meg Ryan fakes it in a diner.
Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez are out next for Achievement in Costume Design. The nominees are accompanied by introduction from the designers or stars of the movie, talking about why the costumes matter.
The Oscar goes to Mark Bridges for "The Artist". "I want to thank the Academy for making a lifelong dream come true," he says.
Back to J-Lo and Cameron for Make-up. Glenn Close says she wouldn't have done the movie without the wig man. Warrick Davis, from "Harry Potter", says it's odd to look in the mirror and see nothing of yourself.
J Lo and Cameron return to announce the winner, with their backsides pointed at the audience. The bit doesn't take and they tell the audience to loosen up. Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland for "The Iron Lady" win. "Thanks Meryl, for keeping me employed for the last 37 years," Helland says.
Cut to a pre-recorded bit with stars talking about why they love the movies. Morgan Freeman remembers seeing the original "King Kong". Adam Sandler's first movie was "Diamonds Are Forever". Reese Witherspoon's family went to the movies every Sunday night.
Brad Pitt saw "The Gargantuas". Steve Carell members getting to stay up past his bedtime.
Hillary Swank remembers connecting to the outsiders on screen.Tom Cruise remembers recreating scenes in his backyard.
Barbra Streisand (fixing her hair) remembers dreaming in the movies.
Adam Sandler remembers talking about Sean Connery, "his performance and his chest hair and saying, can I please do that?"
Sandra Bullock comes out to present best foreign language movie and deadpans that because of the giant international audience, she's been asked to present in Mandarin Chinese. She warns us that because her mother spoke German to her growing up, her Chinese has a slight German accent.She starts speaking German.
The subtitles remind us movies are universal.
Clips from the nominees roll. The Oscar goes to "A Separation", from Iran. It's the first Iranian movie to ever win an Oscar.
The director thanks his studio and says he knows Iranians are watching and he knows they're happy at this moment, "not just because of an important award or a film, or a film maker, but because at the time when talk of war, intimidation and aggression is exchanged between politicians, the name of their country, Iran, is spoken here through her glorious culture. A rich and ancient culture that has been hidden under the heavy dust of politics. I proudly offer this award to the people of my country, people who respect all cultures and civilizations and despise hostility and resentment. Thank you so much," he says.
Billy is back out. "A dark knight, an american psycho, a charismatic crack addict - you'll get to choose one on Super Tuesday," he zings. But right now, "be careful, you're in his eye line", welcome Christian Bale.
He's introducing Actress in a Supporting Role, who have nothing in common except that four are first time nominees. We see clips from the movies. They skip the bathroom scene from "Bridesmaids" and show Melissa McCarthy hitting on her real life husband on the airplane.
The Oscar goes to Octavia Spencer from "The Help". She's helped up on stage by her director, and tires to avoid tripping on her dress. She gets a standing ovation.
She thanks her family in Alabama, the state of Alabama, her "Help" family. She fights back tears. She sees the "please wrap up" and says she's wrapping up and "freaking out". Christian Bale helps her off stage.
Billy says that moment for Octavia is what the Oscars are all about and when he saw it, he wanted to hug the first black woman he saw, "which from Beverly Hills is about a 45 minute drive."
He explains to us about focus groups and how they began in 1939 at MGM and Louis B Mayer taped their reactions. He introduces footage from a screening of "The Wizard of Oz".
Bob Balaban comes out in black and write, the audience is Christopher Guest's regulars. Fred Willard loves the flying monkeys. Christopher Guest "didn't get the thing with the kids". The munchkins.Eugene Levy found them irritating and suggests they cut the rainbow song. Catherine O'Hara butchers "Over the Rainbow", "If dirty little monkey fly...."
Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper are out next to present editing. Cooper quotes Ridley Scott saying collaboration between a film editor and director is a like a marriage.
Tina's turn: "And just like in marriage, they spend all their time in a dark windowless room, ordering in food and looking at pictures of other people."
Achievement in Film Editing, with clips of cast and crew talking briefly about the process.The Oscar goes Kurt Baxter and Angus Wall for "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", who won last year for "The Social Network".
They say they weren't expecting it and their rambling proves it, although they do name check "the Roones" (Rooney Mara) from on stage."Let's get out of here," one says after a few seconds."Yea, we're editors."
They leave.
Achievement in Sound Editing. The Oscar goes to Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty for "Hugo".They get on stage, one leaves the mike for the other."You go," he says."No, Hugo," says the other.The audience groans. Sound editor humor!
"I just want to thank everybody who's here tonight, and everybody who isn't, and everybody who's ever been born, or may be born, or born again or reborn. If I've forgotten anybody, then you probably know who you are," says one.
Then Achievement in Sound Mixing.The Oscar goes to Tom Fleischman and John Midgley for "Hugo".
Back after a break to Miss Piggy and Kermit in a loge. Piggy wants to get on the stage. "It's about time Spielberg left some for the rest of us!" Piggy says. They're there to talk about their memorable first movie experience. Kermit was at a drive-in, trying to avoid getting run over by a Studebaker.They introduce a bit by Cirque du Soliel, with music by Danny Elfman.
The Cary Grant scene on a open road from "North by Northwest" leads to two men in suits flying through the theater over the heads of the audience. Then "Metropoolis" is the backdrop for a tumbling routine in which four people are flipped, seated, from the feet of other performers. a man and woman from the audience are taken up on stage in their seats.
The cast watches the audience, reacting to the screen. There's lots of spinning and flying and contorting and Cirque du Soleil-ing. the couple in their seats is suspended high over the stage. A woman stands on her hands on an audience chair. It's worth a YouTube.
They get a standing ovation.
Then Billy Crystal is back. "Wow, I pulled a ham string just watching that," he says.He segues into talking about age. Christopher Plummer is 82. "He may be walking up on stage tonight, because apparently he wanders off," he says.
Welcome Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr.Downey Jr. comes on late after Tebowing in the wings. He's followed by a camera crew on stage. He's filming a documentary called "The Presenter".He warns her not to talk when he's talking because "it'll be a nightmare in post". They want to have it on NetFlix by midnight.The camera crew crowds Gwynnie. She pulls Downey Jr. close, zoom in by the camera, and tells him he's being disrespectful and disruptive. He tells her he turned down "The Descendants" to prep for this.
He introduces the nominees.The Oscar goes to "Undefeated", by TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Rich Middlemas. "A year ago today we were sitting in our editing room, depressed, thinking no one was ever going to see this movie and a friend said, 'Don't worry, a year from now you're going to be at the Oscars'. And we said, 'You're an idiot'. We'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to him and say, 'You're a lot smarter than we thought'."We have the first bleep of the evening as one tries to acknowledge how crazy it is. "Documentary!", another covers.
They get played off.
Following that bleep, Chris Rock is up. He says he loves animation because you can play anything you want to be. Fat women can play thing, a white man can play an Arabian price. A black man can play a zebra or a donkey.He hates when people say it's hard work, it's the easiest job in the world. "I go in a booth and I go, 'What's the line?' and the guy goes, 'it's time to go to the store' and I go 'it's time to go to the store.'""And then they give me a million dollars!"
Best Animated Feature Film nominees roll. The Oscar goes "Rango", directed by Gore Verbinski.
He says the movie was like playing and thanks the studio for letting him try something different.
Cut to Billy Crystal in his dressing room. He opens the door and is greeted by Melissa McCarthy in character, suggesting they make the dressing room "an undressing room". She puts her foot up on the door, then puts the other foot up. It's time for best visual effects, presented by Ben Stiller and Emma Stone.
She goes full "Price is Right" presenter, then says it's her first time presenting. She suggests they banter and he shut her down, but really he's OK with it. Or she'll make up a song about "Real Steel" and "Hugo," she tries a few notes. She invites Jonah Hill up on stage to dance, but he gives her the no-go.Ben Stiller says you don't want to be the presenter who tries too hard."Like the guy who would dresses up in full 'Avatar' or something?"
Time for the nominees, with more commentary from cast and crew. For "Real Steel" they built the robots and then remade them as CGI. The Oscar goes to the team from "Hugo".
"I know it's an honor to be nominated, but it's a huge thrill to win," says the winner.
Billy Crystal is back and tells us the Harry Potter movies made $7.7 billion dollars. "And yet they only paid 14 percent income tax, which is interesting" he jokes.
Welcome Melissa Leo, 2011 Best Supporting Actress winner.She says some standard highfalutin actor praise to introduce the scenes. (Jason Segel is sitting behind nominee Nick Nolte and looks a little frightened.)The Oscar goes to Christopher Plummer for "Beginners". It's his first win, making him the oldest actor ever to win.He gets a standing O. (And he's wearing a velvet tux, thankyouverymuch.)
He soaks in the applause. He examines his statue. "You're only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?" he says.He confesses that when he emerged from his mother's womb, he was already rehearsing his acceptance speech. But, he jokes, lucky for you, he's forgotten it. He acknowledges his fellow nominees and his director and costar Ewan McGregor - "who I would happily share this award with if I had any decency, but I don't."He thanks his agents provacateur, who have tried so hard to keep him out of jail.
He thanks his "long suffering wife, Elaine, who deserves the Nobel Peace Prize."
Billy Crystal introduces a bit, about how he has the ability to know what nominees are thinking.Cut to Brad Pitt. "This better not go to late, I have six parent-teacher conferences in the morning," Billy offers.Morgan Freeman: "For 20 days and 20 nights, the emperor penguin...."George Clooney: "Billy didn't tell me that kiss was being filmed."Viola Davis: "I want to thank my agent, I want to thank my writer and my director for creating the role of a strong black woman that wasn't played by Tyler Perry."The dog from "The Artist": "If I had 'em, I'd lick 'em."
Then the president of the Academy to drone about promoting excellence in the motion picture industry. He gives a special thank you to Billy and the producers. (A subtle kick at Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy.)
After that dry bit, Billy thanks him for "whipping the crowd into a frenzy".
Introduces the musical interlude, Oscar theme by Hans Zimmer. An elaborate set of sheet music rises majestically from below the stage for a few bars. and after that grand display, Billy concludes with "Meh" and jokes that this is why there's a buffet.
Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson are out next to introduce Best Original Score.The Oscar goes to "The Artist," Ludovic Bource.He stops to shake the hands of his fellow nominees on the way up. He tells his wife in French that he loves her.
Will Ferrell and Zach Galfianakas are introduced and come up out of the orchestra pit, solemnly banging cymbals in white tails. They stop to crash in Brad Pitt's face, then take the stage. Zach mispronounces his own name."As serious musicians, it is our pleasure to step out a minute from our day jobs to present the Oscar for best original song," says Will.
Zach points out that one of our nominees will join the ranks of 'When You Wish Upon a Star", "Moon River" and "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp".Clips of the nominees play - all two of them.
There's lots of fumbling of cymbals as they try to open the envelope. Bret McKenzie wins for "The Muppets", he says he was a huge fan of the Muppets growing up and he was genuinely star struck when he met Kermit the Frog. "But once you get to know him, he's just a normal frog. And like a lot of stars here tonight, he's shorter in person," he says.Then he thanks the people on the film (although not Jason Segel, who wrote it, starred in it and who the camera cuts to the audience).
Cigarette girls pass out popcorn into the commercial.
Billy proposes to the front row that they chip in and buy the Dodgers.
Billy botches his intro of Angelina Jolie and does mock rewind, to get out her intro as "the original girl with the dragon tattoo."No one hears what she says because the slit in her dress goes all the way up her leg, which she shows off.She introduces best adapted screenplay.
The Oscar goes to Alexander Payne, Jim Rash and Nat Faxon for "The Descendants".Nat and Jim are former members of the Groundlings, which explains why Jim sticks out his leg saucily, a la Angelina. Alexander points out his mom in the audience and says that his mom made him promise he'd dedicate the award to her, "just like Javier Bardem did".
Angelina is back to introduce the nominees for Best Original Screenplay. The Oscar goes to Woody Allen, for "Midnight in Paris". Naturally, he's not there.
More stars talk about what makes a great movie. Reese Witherspoon confesses "Overboard" is her favorite movie.Robert Downey Jr. suggests that's a great question to have Werner Herzog complicate. He obliges, but saying "it sticks to you forever". Huh?
Robert De Niro likes "A Place in the Sun".Warren Beatty says "every once in a while you get the truth from a movie".Brad Pitt sees moments of nobility.Sasha Baron Cohen says he always tries to make movies he would want to watch. "And I just happen to want to watch some really sick stuff."
Adam Sandler says one day he wants to eventually tell the truth, which adds a whole new backstory to "Jack and Jill".
Mila Jovovich strolls out to wrap up the scientific and technical awards. High speed digital cameras were recognized, as was a new gyro-camera system.
Billy is back and introduces the entire Bridesmaids cast. (Alas, Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig have already lost their categories.)Kristin says they're there to show that size does matter.But not length, says Maya."As my grandma used to say, it can be short and still make your toes curl. And I believe in my heart that my grandma was referring not to wieners, but to short films," Maya goes on.
"I'd rather have a short film, with some heft that's nice to me than a long film that just lies there and makes you do all the work," Kristen says.They introduce the nominees.
The Oscar goes to "The Shore", by Terry George and his daughter Oorlagh George.Terry introduces his daughter, the producer. "Now I don't have to wait for her wedding to tell the world how great she is," he says. He dedicates the award to the Irish. She salutes her mom.
Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy give a solemn intro about short documentaries until someone shouts out "Scorsese!" at which point they remove the travel-sized vodkas from their dresses and do a shot.The Oscar goes to "Saving Face" by Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy.
Daniel thanks HBO and hands it over to Sharmeen, who thanks the heroes on the ground in Pakistan, including the plastic surgeon who is working on the women in the film. She urges the women of Pakistan who are working for change not to give up on their dreams.
On to best animated short film.The Oscar goes to "the Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore".They sing the praises of movies and thank the people who inspired and moved them.
Michael Douglas is out next to present Directing. He tells a story about Oscar-winning director Leo McCarey trying to borrow money from a bank, being asked what a director does. "Leo paused, then he went to another bank," he says.
The Oscar goes to Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist"."I have an Oscar...I forgot my speech. I am the happiest director in the world right now, thank you for that," he says. He thanks the producers, the cast and crew and the dog," he says.
Meryl Streep is up next. Billy notes she's won twice of the 17 times she's been nominated so the other times she had to put on a happy face and be glad when someone else won. He suggests she get an Oscar just for that.
She wraps up the Governors Awards, honoring Oprah Winfrey, James Earl Jones and Dick Smith (make-up artist). James Earl accepts his honorary Oscar onstage in London where he's performing in "Driving Miss Daisy".Oprah starts crying and calls her recognition "unimaginable". Dick Smith calls it one of the best nights of his life.
The three honorees get a standing O from the crowd.
Then it's time for the In Memoriam segment, including two former Oscars producers, Laura Ziskin and Gil Gates. Billy speaks personally about Gil, a dear friend, who brought him to the awards.
The segment is set Esperanza Spaulding singing "What a Wonderful World". They show clips of some of the actor's most famous lines, including Peter Falk saying "As you wish".
More actors talk about movies, including Julia Roberts talking about relating and Phillip Seymour Hoffman saying you can feel them in your gut.Robert Downey Jr. talks about the finish product ideal being threatened by anyone being selfish or fearful.
"You're fighting with every ounce you have to make sure you will love it forever and when it doesn't turn out that way, it's painful. That's why people are weird who make movies, it's because they care more about their film than themselves," Jonah Hill says.
Edward Norton talks about marveling at great films.
"I've never had any of those feelings," Billy Crystal says when he comes back.
Natalie Portman is out next to present Best Actor. She talks to each man in the audience, complementing Damian Bichir for helping the audience relate to someone they usually don't think about in "A Better Life".
George Clooney "managed to make us believe you were just a regular guy...you subtlely and movingly conveyed the tricky mix of betrayal and grief" in "The Descendants".
Jean Dujardin "spoke volumes" in the silent film "The Artist".
Gary Oldman in "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" with incredible nuance and restraint earned his first nomination.
Brad Pitt, "we were not watching a baseball story, because of your work we were watching an under dog story" in "Moneyball".
The Oscar goes to Jean Dujardin for "The Artist".
"I love your country," he says. He reads from his speech, noting that Douglas Fairbanks hosted the Oscars in 1929. Tickets cost $5 and the ceremony lasted 15 minutes. "Times have changed," he says.He pays homage to Douglas Fairbanks, acknowledges his wife and shouts out "awesome!" in French. ("Formidable!")
"They must be going nuts in France right now, or whatever they have in France in place of joy," Billy says.
Last year's Best Actor winner Colin Firth is out to address the Best Actress nominees.Glenn Close for "Alfred Nobbs": "the range of roles you've played over the years displays a brilliance of somewhat bewildering proportions".
Viola Davis for "The Help": "An actress who we've admired for many years has ventured even deeper into our imagination and will remain there for many years to come."
Rooney Mara: "In a very short space of time you presence has come to seem indispensable." (They show the scene of her torturing her rapist, yikes.)
Meryl Streep: "Mamma Mia...We were in Greece, we danced, I was gay and we were happy. I probably fathered your only daughter, they were perplexing times." He calls her "unreasonably good", making it a "little bit more difficult for the rest of us".
Michelle Williams: he calls her his mentor when they first met, and they can leave aside the fact that she was 12 and he was 35.
The Oscar goes to Meryl Streep, who has come dressed as Oscar.
They stand up.
"Oh, come on! When they called my name I had this feeling that I could hear half of America going, 'Oh c'mon, why her again?' But whatever," she says.She starts by thanking her husband for everything she values in her life.Then she thanks her make-up artist Roy Helland.
"I really understand I'll never want to be up here again, I really want to thank all my colleagues, all my friends. I look out here and I see my life before my eyes, my old friends, my new friends," she says.
"This is such a great honor, but the thing that counts the most with me is the friendships and the love and the sheer joy we have shared making movies together."
And then there was one, notes Billy.
Tom Cruise is out to present the award for Best Picture. They show clips from each.The Oscar goes to "The Artist".
They bring the dog up on the stage. Thomas Langmann, the producer, pays tribute to Oscar winner Claude Berri. Michel tells his kids it's 6:30 a.m. in France and they should go to bed in 30 seconds. He thanks his wife, the film's star Bérénice Bejo and says she's the soul of the film. Then he thanks three people: Billy Wilder, Billy Wilder and Billy Wilder.
Billy comes out and says good night.
