13 Apr 2011Description ▼
Forget who gets to keep the ring - when a couple splits, the real question is, who gets to keep the friends? Alex and Dave's wedding was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives, for them and their long-time friends... until Alex leaves groom-to-be Dave at the altar. The breakup, in the words of one pal, is a "huge game changer" that will complicate everyone's lives and make everyone question their own choices.
2The Quicksand Girlfriend
13 Apr 2011Description ▼
Dave's one-night-stand with Andrea lands him in "chicksand" as the hookup evolves into a relationship he's just not ready for yet. Jane, who thinks Alex is a terrible judge of people, can't keep herself from getting involved when her sister looks for a roommate now that Dave's moved out.
3Your Couples Friends & Neighbors
20 Apr 2011Description ▼
Jane insists that she and Brad befriend a sophisticated couple, Dianne and Carl, but Brad resists the idea. Max and Dave can't figure out why food and other things are disappearing from their apartment. Alex confides to Max that Dave walks and eats in his sleep, but the truth is far stranger. Meanwhile, Alex starts dating a cute artist she just happens to meet hanging around Max and Dave's place.
4Mein Coming Out
20 Apr 2011Description ▼
The gang tries to convince Max to come out to his parents when the two visit Chicago and Max has to scramble yet again to get one of the ladies to pose as his girlfriend. Meanwhile Penny meets the man of her dreams, Doug. He's good looking, funny, successful...and he's got a rather infamous last name.
5Like Father, Like Gun
27 Apr 2011Description ▼
After a health scare, Brad's uptight dad now has a new lease on life and just wants to have fun, which Brad is having a difficult time dealing with; Penny starts to date an attractive Italian, but she can only speak his language when she's drunk; Dave and Max have fun in their apartment with dart guns.
7Dave of the Dead
04 May 2011Description ▼
A horror movie gets the gang to thinking about the coming "zombie apocalypse." Dave fears he's a little zombie-like in his complacency at his boring job, and shocks everyone when he announces he's quitting to follow his dream and open a restaurant. Max and super-competitive Jane square off on some silly challenges to see who could survive if the zombies took over. Meanwhile, Penny dates a hipster named Toby and finds it exhausting to keep up with his too cool friends.
8The Girl with the David Tattoo
11 May 2011
9You've Got Male
11 May 2011
18 May 2011Description ▼
As Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) and Dave (Zachary Knighton) struggle to move past their wedding day breakup with the support of their family and friends, Jane (Eliza Coupe) fears that her marriage to Brad (Damon Wayans, Jr.) is in danger of losing its spark. And as Dave reluctantly moves in with Max (Adam Pally), Penny grudgingly agrees to attend a cooking class with Alex.
18 May 2011
13Why Can't You Read Me?
24 Aug 2011
1Blax, Snake, Home
28 Sep 2011Description ▼
Penny buys her first home, an "amah-zing" condo complete with a wine fridge and Italian marble. But will the new digs really signal "the year of Penny" and turn her life around? And, on the year anniversary of their almost-marriage, Jane encourages Alex and Dave to finally be honest with each other -- not the best of ideas.
05 Oct 2011Description ▼
Alex's cute line of slogan t-shirts for babies ("Put Me to Bed") become inappropriately popular with teen girls, who make her store their newest hangout. They're also in awe of Alex and Penny. Meanwhile, Jane channels her inner mom as she goes in search of her "egg daughter," the now 11-year-old girl she thinks is the result of the egg she donated in college.
12 Oct 2011Description ▼
Penny's perpetually optimistic mom, Dana, is in town for a singing gig at a boat show. Her enthusiasm inspires the gang, but when Penny finds out she's hiding some less-than-happy news, she decides it's time to give mom a reality check.
4Secrets and Limos
19 Oct 2011Description ▼
Jane convinces the gang to make vision boards so they can visualize their way to their dreams, only the universe isn't exactly listening; Brad has a difficult time relating to humorless boss Mr. Forristal until the guy, a car buff, flips for Max's limo; and Dave is reluctant to introduce his new girlfriend to everyone.
26 Oct 2011Description ▼
Jane and Brad spend a scary Halloween house sitting for friends in the suburbs, while the rest of the gang heads to a warehouse party, where their respective costumes don't quite have the effect they anticipated, especially for Alex and Dave.
02 Nov 2011Description ▼
When Brad hears that Jane's old sorority sister is coming for a visit, he lies and says he has a work retreat out of town, but he's actually on "staycation" in a fancy hotel in the city; Alex meets a new guy, Liam, but his dates are over-the-top; and Max and Dave make a commercial to promote the "Steak Me Home Tonight" food truck.
7The Code War
16 Nov 2011Description ▼
Angie, Max's high school girlfriend whom he dated before he figured out he was gay, moves back to town, and her arrival affects everyone: Penny is jealous of her (and then goes overboard befriending her); Alex develops her odd crush on Max; but the strangest reaction of all is from Max, who declares a "code war" when Dave and Angie date. Meanwhile, when Jane finds out Brad has a "work wife," she decides to get herself a "work husband" and sets her sights on the slightly unhinged head of Human Resources.
8Full Court Dress
23 Nov 2011Description ▼
Jane needs a dress to wear to her charity event, but she's a little leery when Alex offers to design one for her; Penny helps a panicked Max babysit his niece and nephew; and Dave and Brad's new friendship with their oddball mailman, Drew, isn't quite what they had hoped for.
9Grinches Be Crazy
07 Dec 2011Description ▼
Max, desperate for cash, agrees to dress up as Santa for Penny's charity event; Jane accidentally gives housekeeper Gita the envelope stuffed with money for their big Xmas getaway to Turks & Caicos, instead of the $200 Christmas tip she had planned -- and she schemes to get the cash back.
10The Shrink, the Dare, Her Date and Her Brother
04 Jan 2012Description ▼
Dave has an odd reaction when his shrink starts dating Penny. Meanwhile, Jane and Max fight over ownership of a sweater and end up in another one of their strange competitions; whoever is "less vain" gets to keep the sweater, and the challenge is to see who can wear a horribly unflattering outfit the longest. And Jane urges Brad and Alex to try and "bond," but it's awkward -- until they discover their mutual love of romantic comedies.
11Meet the Parrots
11 Jan 2012Description ▼
Dave's father, "Big" Dave, comes to town to introduce his new girlfriend, who shockingly happens to be Penny's mother, Dana. Penny couldn't be more thrilled that her thrice divorced mother has a new man in her life, but Dave on the other hand reacts childishly to the news. Meanwhile Alex, who is feeling lonely at the shop, decides to adopt an adorable parrot that turns out to be not so charming, spewing nonstop racist and homophobic rhetoric. And Alex enlists Brad and Max's help, as she is convinced the Chinese restaurant next door is a front for a brothel.
18 Jan 2012Description ▼
Jane convinces Penny to stop changing herself for every guy she dates, and instead to change the guy to suit her needs. Penny's first experiment is Jeff, a slacker who is 30 going on 20. Meanwhile, when Brad overhears Jane bragging to Penny about how she completely made him over after they met, he rebels, and starts walking, talking and dressing like his college-era self. And Alex and Max stage an "in-T-vention" to stop Dave from his obsession with v-necked T-shirts.
13The St. Valentine's Day Maxssacre
08 Feb 2012Description ▼
For Valentine's Day, Brad tries to surprise Jane, who doesn't respond well to surprises. Penny begins the process of breaking up with her boyfriend, 'respecting the break-up window'. Max solicits his friends for Valentine's Day limo packages. Dave misinterprets his girlfriend's intentions. Alex tries to find love at a party. Brad gets his first cavity.
14Everybody Loves Grant
15 Feb 2012Description ▼
When the whole gang, with the exception of Dave, falls in love with Grant, Max wonders if he really is good enough to date the "perfect" guy. Meanwhile, Dave sets out to prove he's way cooler than Max's new boyfriend.
15The Butterfly Effect Effect
22 Feb 2012Description ▼
Some people wait for the groundhog to signal the end of winter. Instead, the friends wait for Brad and Jane's annual "spring smackdown," their yearly blowout of a domestic squabble, to let them know when Max will come out of hibernation and when winter will end.
16Cocktails & Dreams
29 Feb 2012Description ▼
Once Dave gets a liquor license for the "Steak Me Home Tonight" truck, it suddenly becomes the next big trendy place in Chicago. He thinks his friends are avoiding him because they're jealous of his newfound fame, but there's another reason: His signature drink is giving almost everyone sex dreams - about Dave -- Everyone except Alex, who is on an alcohol-free fast.
17The Kerkovich Way
07 Mar 2012Description ▼
A panicked Alex enlists Jane's help in convincing Dave that something he's certain happened never did, but will they succeed? Meanwhile, Penny and Max are determined to finally beat an annoyingly perfect couple in the annual Rosalita's Run and Scavenger Hunt.
18Party of Six
14 Mar 2012Description ▼
So many bad things have happened every time the friends celebrate Penny's birthday, they're wondering if her special day might be cursed. They set out to find a restaurant where they can celebrate, where one of them hasn't been banned or where someone won't run into an ex -- something that's almost impossible.
19You Snooze, You Bruise
21 Mar 2012Description ▼
Dave finds himself bullied at the gym by Corey, and former bully Alex coaches him on how to fight back. Meanwhile, the residents at Brad and Jane's condo are fed up with Jane being too controlling as president of their home owners' association, and rise up to challenge her for the job. But when Penny tells Jane to "sleep on it" before she does anything rash, her advice results in an all-new, suddenly chill Jane.
20Big White Lies
28 Mar 2012Description ▼
21Four Weddings and a Funeral (Minus Three Weddings and One Funeral)
04 Apr 2012Description ▼
22KickBall 2: The Kickening
17 May 2012Description ▼
1Cazsh Dummy Spillionaires
21 Oct 2012Description ▼
It's a beautiful night, and Penny (Casey Wilson) looks out over the Chicago skyline. The man of her dreams gets down on one knee and promises it'll be a perfect marriage...of ADRENALINE AND DANGER!!! They suit up and get ready to base jump. (Gee, if only they could find a tall building in Chicago where they could do that.) He jumps. She doesn't. She decides to walk down the stairs. For the first flight. Then trips and falls down the remaining floors. Oh, did we mention Penny had a camera on her helmet? That was one viral video the gang enjoyed while Penny seethed in a full body cast. (PENNY: I did not make it out unscathed. I am very scathed.) The only thing to top that is Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) and Dave (Zachary Knighton) announcing they are casually seeing each other. (Um, Zach? The Backstreet Boys called. They want their hair back.) Actually, everybody knew it. And didn't really care. But Alex promised things wouldn't get weird; they'd just be friends with benefits. And poor Penny can't even get anyone to put her chip in the dip (not a euphemism). But she can get Max (Adam Pally) to take a bite of it.
Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) appeared to be enjoying unemployment, but Jane (Eliza Coupe) was enjoying it even more because she could be with him. She thought he could finally relax for a while and get into some of those hobbies he always wanted to, like dance-cooking and his ventriloquism. His name is SinBrad. Which is weird, because the dummy looked more like Chris Rock, circa 1991. (SINBRAD: Yo mamma so fat, she died.) Brad was totally up for it...until Jane left and he shed his robe to reveal his suit and a briefcase. Yup, he found another job...at a workplace that makes Dunder-Mifflin look like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. And that's BEFORE the guys badly quoting movies and TV shows.
And apparently, Dave's hair wasn't the only thing he got from 15 years ago. Trying to act casual with Alex in front of Jane was...awkward. And she wasn't much better. But, they were bros (which really confuses those of us who were totally turned on by Elisha in her Marilyn costume last season), and they were keeping it cazsh. And Jane agreed with the rest of us it was weird, as she left the two talking "like two of Scott Caan's groomsmen." But with nobody else to hang out with, Alex and Dave just decide to hit the sack.
Penny, as you may have guessed (or not) makes the worst patient, and likes crust on her bread about as much as Joan Crawford likes wire hangers. This sent Max, who was taking care of her, over the edge, and he was ready to walk out. Until Penny's physical therapist stopped by. Meanwhile, Alex was doing a poor job of being in a casual relationship with Dave, if wearing one of his shirts like a dress out to the bar was any indication. She's in full denial, of course, claiming they even slept head to toe. That doesn't count.
JANE: Yes it does. You know what doesn't count? The Heat's most recent championship. It was an injury-plagued, strike-shortened season, so Lebron still needs six rings to even get in the conversation with Jordan. And Chris Bosh? He looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from The Wire.
(I don't know if that was really funny; I'm just a huge Bulls fan.)
But Alex is so determined to prove she's just FWB with Dave, she calls over one of the bartenders and gives her Dave's number.
Penny getting stretched out by her therapist may as well be porn to Max. So much so, he cast-blocks her with the doctor, who was going to take her cast off the next day. The cast has to stay on another week, and the doctor 'ordered' Penny's therapist to start showing up every day in bicycle shorts and a Jim McMahon jersey.
Brad has really taken this 'unemployment' thing to new levels, even putting up a background of their apartment at work so Jane thinks he's at home when they videoconference. Although to his credit, he got home and made dinner. Jane loves her "stay-at-home husband. Her cute little Mr. Wife. Her wifey. Her girl. Her little girl. Her bitch. You're my bitch! My tiny little bitch!" Oh, and Alex joined them for dinner, BTW. Jane still wasn't convinced about Alex being cazsh, but Alex was convinced Dave will go out on a date, have sex with the bartender, they fall in love, and...she runs out of the apartment. And finds a rather large person (who looks at lot like Clay Matthews from the Green Bay Packers, which is ironic for a Chicago-based show) to pretend to be her date so she could 'run into' Dave while he was on his date with the bartender.
SINBRAD: That girl's so whack, her first name should be Knick-Knack-Paddy.
Penny was quite surprised when her doctor called and claimed she was in Bolivia. Two seconds later, she was tearing Max a new one. ("You're Misery-ing me!"). Max was sorry, or so he said. ("You sleepy-tea'd me!") And out Penny went while Max waited for his hunky therapist.
Jane calls Brad, who was at work. He pretended to be taking a bath, and that simply prompted her to want to come home and play "Loch Ness Monster." He sprints home and just barely gets in the tub (yes, still in his suit). And Jane comes in, fully naked (which we can't see, dammit) and is understandably upset at Brad lying to her about working. And making sure he got a good look at what he wouldn't be getting.
Interestingly, Alex didn't have to go through with interrupting Dave and Karissa's date with her oversized companion and 32 oz. beers. Karissa was from Florida, and a big Miami Heat fan. Ten minutes later, Dave and Alex were back in the bedroom. But he admitted it wasn't working. (ALEX: Seems like it's working just fine to me, but don't overthink it.) But Dave meant he couldn't handle seeing other people or seeing Alex see other people. And Alex was in total agreement. (DAVE: As Wendy Williams said something on her show yesterday that really resonated with me. "Girl, you can't move backwards in a relationship.") They decide to move forward in their relationship.
Max is totally into the stretching session (and yes, Kent is wearing bicycle shorts and a Jim McMahon jersey). However, the sleepy tea wears out and Penny gets herself out of bed. (PENNY: Kent, Max is Misery-ing me! He's like Kathy Bates, only fatter!) Penny tried as best as she could to get out of her bedroom, but she finally caught up to Max and Kent after falling out the window, getting caught in a gate, got peed on, and had kids write graffiti all over her. But she confronted Max, and Max admitted Misery-ing her. But then, she had done something similar to Max long ago, so they were even. And quite sad they couldn't find anyone. Penny admitted she went through a Dave crush for a while, and Max was talking about someone else. Awkward.
Jane wasn't up for talking to Brad, but a few words from SinBrad got her going. ("Boy, you've gotten really good at that.") Brad quit the soul-sucking job he took and admitted Jane was right about needing some time off.
BRAD: See, SinBrad is the perfect metaphor for my life. SinBrad is me, and my job is my hand. Um...
JANE: Not your best.
But he promised not to let his job control his life or drift away from Jane. She forgave him, and they got busy. And she even gave SinBrad a little play.
28 Oct 2012Description ▼
The gang topped last year's Halloween, according to Penny (Casey Wilson). (Alex as Marilyn? Penny and Max as a mom and her baby? Are you sure, Penny?) But they were the Jackson Five Marionettes. Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) was Michael, Jane (Eliza Coupe) was Jackie, Penny was Tito, Max (Adam Pally) was Marlon, Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) was Joe (thankfully, nobody was hit), and Dave (Zachary Knighton) was LaToya. And was very stupid, according to everybody else. ("SHUT UP, LATOYA!") Of course, negotiating their way out the door was another story. You would think it'd occur to somebody to link everybody up to the marionette pole after they got where they were going, but then this wouldn't be a sitcom. So they stayed home and drank synchronized beers instead. Except for Dave, who couldn't keep up. Because he was LaToya...and stupid.
Brunch at Brad and Jane's was not as extravagant as it used to be. No cage-free eggs and no more fresh-squeezed orange juice because they had to cut back. They were spending $5,000 alone on their "month" clubs. (Tea of the Month, Cigar of the Month, Beer of the Month, Soap of the Month, Month of the Month...August was March) As a result, Brad couldn't do all of the things he wanted on a typical Saturday. But Max had his back and was ready to introduce him to MaxWorld ®. (yes, Max trademarked and registered it). He was going to show Brad how to do a Saturday in Chicago without spending a dime. In the meantime, Penny was going to buy a new car, which meant Jane had to go with her so she wouldn't screw up, and Alex & Dave went apartment hunting.
BRAD & MAX
MaxWorld started at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, where Max loaded up on donuts after telling a gripping story about his father and an ice tray to the group. (MAX: Just wish this coffee was a beer.) But Brad wanted a more healthy meal, so they went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting where they loaded up on celery and carrot sticks after telling a gripping story about his father and an ice tray to the group. (MAX: Just wish this coffee was a pizza.)But then Max needed a few condoms, so they went to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting and grabbed a few after telling a gripping story about his father and an ice tray to the group. (MAX: Just wish this coffee was a vagina.) For clothing, a free t-shirt and hat fit the bill...if they signed up for a credit card with 38% interest. For exercise, instead of running with a trainer that really motivated Brad, Max picked a fight with a really large man and blamed it on Brad. And the motivation worked quite nicely. Finally, they got a steam by standing over a subway grate. And Brad was enjoying it...until he saw one of his ex-coworkers who thought he was homeless. Brad was depressed and unloaded all of his problems...to a kid at a birthday party the two were scamming. But then he realized his coworker was going in on a Saturday and never saw his kids. It was then he realized he wanted a job somewhere between being a bum and working 80 hours a week.
ALEX & DAVE
Alex and Dave met their realtor, Suzanne Thompson-Perez-Kline-Jensen (Rachael Harris). Oh, sorry. That was Suzanne Thom-Sun-Perez-Kline-Jensen. ("I was married to a Korean man for about a minute.") She was determined to find them a place, and the first place was awesome. Then it came time for the paperwork on their two-year lease. (Which no realtor in Chicago would ever be dumb enough to make people sign, but roll with it.) Then that two-year commitment scared both Alex and Dave, who declared the apartment was too Shia LaBeouf-y. (and you have no idea how ashamed I am to have looked up his page on IMDb) But Suzanne pressed on, through their objections of a chandelier, a 'haunted' apartment, and that one of them had wi-fi. (Apparently, Alex and Dave are old school. They've got mail and everything.) Finally Suzanne figured out their deal. And having shown them every apartment in Chicago, she was at her wit's end. She told them their love story wasn't unique. It wasn't even cute. It SUCKED! She calls them on their excuses, saying they know in their hearts they should not be living together.
SUZANNE: Now what the f--- do you want to do?!?!?!?
(They took the place.)
PENNY & JANE
They were off to shop at the Car Czar, (He knows what cars are.) Sure enough, Penny was ready to pay sticker price. But Jane stopped her. Even pitied her a bit for her obsessiveness with The Hunger Games and Harry Potter. (JANE: Let's not start bottom Frenching just yet.) Jane knew her stuff, even convincing Penny to do the "walk out" when the dealer gave his best price. And Penny did it, even though the salesman didn't give her a price and she crashed through a glass partition. They negotiated a price, and the salesman did the classic "let me get an approval from my manager" routine. And Jane correctly predicted they'd turn the air conditioning off, receive a tiny, tiny glass of water, and that Penny would sneeze. Oh, and then there's the listening devices. Unfortunately, Jane fell asleep, which gave Penny a chance to sign the contract. Even though they agreed to the price, Jane was not having it. And that was the last straw for Penny.
PENNY: Jane, stop it! Taking this deal does not mean that I'm settling or that I don't respect myself or that I can't be the heroine of a series of self-published post-apocalyptic tween novels whose name may or may not be Teegan Arrowspear! I just want to buy the car!!!
And then she crashed into the plastic that replaced the window she crashed into earlier. Oh BTW, Penny's meltdown turned out to be part of the plan. She got an even bigger discount by fooling both the salesman and Jane. Jane apologized and congratulated her. And got a visit from the Car Czar (Rob Corddry). Who had insane respect for her as a negotiator and offered her a job. He gave her an offer, she gave him a counteroffer, and they negotiated their way to a deal. But only if the Car Czar could tell her what cars are. And she was quite happy with the answer.
3Boys II Menorah
Max (Adam Pally) has had some interesting jobs over the years, mainly because nobody knew these jobs existed, such as salad barback, funeral seat-filler (he's quite good, once he got the name right), and his current job-nobody-knew-was-a-job: Bar Mitzvah MC. (PENNY: I think they prefer to be called Bar Mitzvah Hype Guys.) Certainly he needed to work on his intros, although his dreidel spin was pretty boss. Certainly the gang thinks so, although Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) wasn't supposed to eat any of the food, nor was Penny (Casey Wilson) supposed to hit on the rabbi. Jane (Eliza Coupe) admitted she could have fallen for a Jewish guy, and almost did right then, as Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) joined Max on the dance floor.Jane wanted to take Alex on a double date at a hologram concert. Hologram Graham Nash was opening up for Hologram Hall & Oates. (Actually, Oates would really be there.) But Alex was busy pumicing Dave's (Zachary Knighton) feet. Ewww. (Ever notice that's cute one way but gross the other way?) But Jane is understandably concerned and asked Alex about is as Dave "dumped out." (Again, ewww.) Jane thinks they need to not fall into old habits and mix it up, like she does with Brad when she plays cop and pulls him over...which sounds hot until the real 5-0 show up. Alex thinks she's crazy.DAVE: (returing) False alarm. Oh, wait. False alarm on the false alarm. See you in 25 to 30.On second thought...perhaps Alex getting flirty with painting the apartment would work. (in her outfit, you think it would) They playfully flick paint at each other, only she got paint in his eyes. ("Lasiks!") Then on his shoes. ("Asics!")Meanwhile, Brad thought he and Max were awesome at the bar mitzvah, like a scene out of (not that he would know). Penny thought they should work as a team, and she thought they could be "the hottest mix-race dance crew since Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat." (PENNY: He was Persian!) Max agrees, although he didn't think Brad could know every last move. Fifteen minutes later, he had all of them down. But Max drew the line at his dreidel spin. DJ Dikembe Mutombo does not let anybody dance in his house. Complete with finger wag, which as a Bulls fan I've always wanted to break that damn finger. But the next party is a smash; they had the crowd going. And Brad in particular had Jane going. (JANE: Look at that man move. That is some good material for the ol' the buzz bank.) As for Penny, she's improved from the last person who hit on her but was only 14. The person who sent her a drink looked at least 14 1/2. (PENNY: I am like Jewish boy crack.) As for Max, he isn't happy. He needed a quick break to catch his breath, only to find Brad doing his dreidel spin and driving the crowd nuts.After Dave completely torpedoed Alex's idea of a weekend away (where she only packed condoms for him), he goes to Jane for help, who confirms Alex is afraid they're slipping back into old patterns. A trip to Paris came to mind for Dave, and Jane thought they could whisk Paris to Alex, which would be cheaper than whisking Alex to Paris. If nothing else, it would give Jane a chance to use her stewardess outfit instead of on the melancholy frequent flyer whose entire life could fit in an overhead compartment. (Yes, Brad.)DAVE: You should have called ahead.PENNY: I did call ahead, and apparently it did not make any difference.Brad had to talk to Max, since someone wanted to hire only Brad to work at another bar mitzvah. But Max was upset over Brad stealing his dreidel dance move. Max was offended at Brad suggesting they be more professional. After all, he took an online class in bar mitzvah hyping. That he created and paid for with Dave's credit card.BRAD: Didn't you fail that class?MAX: Those exams are regionally biased!Brad thought they should break up and Max couldn't agree more. Which, of course, free Brad up to take the gig at the bar mitzvah.Jane did quite a great job with setting up a Paris setting. Perhaps too good, given Alex had plane tickets. Which meant Alex, being Alex, went to the airport. To be fair, she did figure it out...after the TSA had her in handcuffs. Dave and Jane sprint for the airport in his Steak Me Home Tonight van, only he parks it right at Departures. The cops nail Dave but Jane escapes the first taser. (JANE: You fools! That only makes me stronger!) The second taser put her down for the count. (Kudos to Eliza for pratfalling in that Tight of a skirt.)As Dave and Alex sat in handcuffs while they towed the truck away, they admitted to each other they had changed a little. Neither of them had gone through this much effort the first time to be romantic to each other. (DAVE: You and I just tried so hard, we shut down O'Hare for two hours.) But at least they had their night in Paris, as they kissed under a poster of the Eiffel Tower. It even brought tears to Jane, although that may have been the pepper spray.Brad is totally kicking it at his bar mitzvah gig, and even Penny has figured out how to discourage the 14-year-olds. (PENNY: Can you get me three kids and a Lakeview condo before I'm 35?) (To be fair, in this market the Lakeview condo isn't that difficult.) But Max shows up and it's time for a hype-off! (It's really hard to describe, but it's funny as hell.) Finally, they struggle over a limbo stick and fall into the cake. (PENNY: I know this seems awful, but given all the things your people have been through, this is really not that bad.) The two finally admitted they went too far. Brad loved the job because it was the first time he actually made people happy. (BRAD: I'm an investment banker. That's, like, one step below band leader.) Fortunately, Penny was able to smooth things over with some of the boys with two of her best assets. Her license and a car to drive the boys to the mall! What did you think I meant, you perverts?!?
4More Like Stanksgiving
Dave's (Zachary Knighton) tastes in music are...questionable at best. He was able to procure six tickets to the Rock Bottom Remainders concert, which is, like only, THE most popular rock band in the world...made up entirely of best-selling authors. And while Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) and Jane (Eliza Coupe) harrumph a few times at that, Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) wants to invite everyone over to their new place for Thanksgiving dinner. Jane has no problem with that, even though she started prepping for it two weeks ago, complete with a turkey ice sculpture she made (with a live turkey modeling for her.) But Alex and Dave's it is for T-Day, which unbeknownst to everyone will include Dave laying some massive guilt on everyone because he is Native American. Seriously, he's 1/16 Navajo...who didn't even live on that side of the United States and weren't part of the first Thanksgiving. (That was the Wampanoag tribe, and yes I looked that up.)Alex had the turkey made, but Dave needed clams for his authentic Native American meal he intended to make. Since they didn't have any, he put on his Native American fringed jacket and went out to buy them. (Not even Alex's Navajo-ho tee-pees could cheer him up.) At a gas station, a couple dressed as pilgrims asked him for a few dollars to fill their car with gas. Appreciating the irony, he went to the ATM to get some cash. At which point they promptly took his wallet and took off in his car. On the good side, he did find a store open to get the clams. On the bad side, without any money, he had to trade his clams for his jacket. On the good side, he remembered he had his Rock Bottom Remainders tickets on him and got a guy to buy them for $200. On the bad side, that guy was a cop and arrested him for ticket scalping. (DAVE: Scalping? The pilgrims drove me to it!)The rest of the gang shows up. Penny (Casey Wilson) brought some wine (ALEX: Wow, it's just like ), and Brad and Jane secretly brought a well-made turkey, thinking Alex would screw things up. A couple of sniffs by Jane proved her right. (JANE: Dry, unbrined, overseasoned. BRAD: And clearly she's been making it dance.) They quietly slipped Alex's bad turkey out the window. Meanwhile, Max's (Adam Pally) contribution to the meal was a bootleg DVD of : Sacramento. (That show has been on twenty years. God, I feel old!) Max and Brad had been on the show but it never aired because one of the housemates burned their converted firehouse down. (Yes, that's irony, Alanis.) They were able to see the episode where everybody came to visit. Of course, everyone's excited because it was the first time Brad and Jane met, and it was the first time Alex had berries for the first time. ("Overrated!") But Max thought it was really about him. Had the episode aired, he would have been the first openly gay guy on TV. ("Aside from Ellen, Rosie, all the guys, Norman from season 1...")PENNY: Isn't it odd how our six-some was forged on The Real World and yet we never talk about it?By the way, never trust Alex to bring the chairs, such as an exercise ball, a camping chair, and Penny got the sex swing. (ALEX: It's an ergonomic work hammock! The guy at the flea market clearly said it was for taking care of business.) Penny wondered how Dave didn't have a dining room with non-marital sex aids for chairs. Dave hadn't moved in his stuff yet, and Penny thought that was weird given the two had been in the apartment for four weeks. Alex denied anything was wrong, but then Penny suddenly thought she was weird for bringing that up with her, so she goes to consult Max. But Max figured as long as Penny still didn't have feelings for Dave that were manifesting themselves into her sabotaging their relationship, she should be fine. Now she was even less sure.But no time for that, it was time for : Sacramento! Which Dave vehemently objected to watching. Well, the dreadlocks he was sporting could be considered objectionable, but then Max was trying to act all street with the backwards baseball cap. Which, BTW, you should never do if you're using a Chicago Cubs cap. Max forwarded through Jill with the pre-onset menopause and the uptight girl in the glasses who eventually burned down the place, and went right to him. In the confessional, he talked about all of his friends coming, particularly his girlfriend, Penny, with whom he has a very sexual relationship. (Yeah, you already guessed: they never kiss on the lips or get busy in any way.) Still, Penny's look beat the hell out of Jane's look or Dave rockin' the Seattle grunge look 9 years too late. (MAX: He looks like an extra from .) Brad's ready for filling up the hot tub, but Jane decides they need a sign up list because the hot tub only held six.BRAD: (in confessional, and I'm ashamed to admit I remember those were called confessionals) I CANNOT stand that Jane chick. Kerkovich? More like Kerko-bitch.And he gives himself a high-five, one of the many things he'll be giving himself for a while. Brad tried to cop to the editing tricks they did on that show, but Jane was ticked at the accusation of being controlling. Meanwhile, Penny tried to downplay telling Alex Dave not moving in was weird, but she actually made it worse. And the fact that the DVD showed her constantly checking out Dave...yes, grunge Dave...set off the Awkward Alert. She copped to the Real World editors like Brad tried to and was almost as successful. So, she tried to go one step further.PENNY: It was 2002. It was a crazy time. We were all still reeling from the events of . I mean, what is reality.ALEX: I am so TIRED of people using to defend everything!But Max figured it was about to be all worth it because they got to the part of the DVD where Max says he's gay. He was talking to Jared, one of the housemates who had a booty chin, while they were eating. Max said flat-out (with a mouthful of food) "I'm Greg." (That's what the caption said.)BRAD: You're definitely a hero to all the Greg's out there.JANE: First openly-Greg man on television.PENNY: They're letting Greg's into the military now.Jane was still badgering Brad about what he said, but then the tables turned. She snuck into the guys' bedroom drunk and started calling for Jared. She climbed into bed, only to find Brad. But that was good enough for her and they got it on. Yup, Jane actually wanted Booty-Chin Jared. Brad, you may suspect, was livid their entire marriage was based on a mistake. (And can someone explain to me why is so vilified these days when other shows are now ripping off their scripts?) And Alex is not exactly mollified that this had become a night of True Confessions, so she tells everybody what Penny said earlier about it being weird Dave hadn't moved his stuff in yet. And everybody agrees it's weird. So she decides to talk to Dave about it, who wasn't even in the room. But it turns out Dave told her when he would move his stuff in because it was the earliest he could get movers. Alex didn't remember the conversation, but apparently she was eyes-open napping again (and drooling) when Dave told her. Thankfully for Dave, he got his car and money back, although he never got the concert tickets back. He even gave himself a Native American name: Has Ordeals with Clams. (MAX: Is that a legal name change, or is this like the time you wanted us to call you Lindsey?) And Jane and Brad made up when they realized how many things turned out awesome that started as an accident, like the slinky, Corn Flakes, Play-Doh ("Loved the way that smells but not the way it tastes."), and penicillin ("I needed so much of that in college!")Finally, they settle down to dinner, minus the clams. And Alex couldn't believe how good of a job she did on the turkey.JANE: (letting her have it) Yes you did. (toasting) To the Kerko-bitch sisters!And everyone had a good Thanksgiving.
5P&P Romance Factory
Max's (Adam Pally) fifth-grade stand-up routine notwithstanding (which sounds nothing at all like ), Jane (Eliza Coupe) was having a tough time fitting in at the car dealership. It was an all-boys club, which happened to be Brad's (Damon Wayans Jr.) specialty. He decided to help her break in so she could be a double threat. (She also could do an impression of ...just not very well.) Penny (Casey Wilson) was having even more trouble. Thanks to falling down the stairs (the episodes are out of order again this year), she had to wear a helmet for a month. But Max was in even more pain when Brodie, someone everybody thought was a douchebag, came in to give Max a fist bump, only Brodie turned it into a turkey. And now Max thought he was a douchebag for breaking the sacred trust of the fist bump.It turns out Max had good reason for being emotionally scarred. (for Max, anyway) Back in the fifth grade, someone did the "high-five, down-low, too slow" fake-out on him. He was traumatized, but not nearly as much as Dave (Zachary Knighton), who was suddenly guilt-stricken because he invented the "high-five, down-low, too slow" fake-out. Max and Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) found Dave wallowing in a Sangria-induced stupor (even had Sangria lips), no matter how much Max tried to tell him he didn't invent the "high-five, down-low, too slow" fake-out. But Dave was determined to make it up to Max by showing him a counter to the "wild turkey." That's what Brodie did to Max's fist bump by putting an open hand up...and I can't believe I'm actually explaining this. Anyway, Max tries it and succeeds, but Brodie counters with a "mashed potato." Now Max wants to kill the guy until Dave explains to Brodie Max was traumatized as a kid. Brodie apologizes and goes for the fist bump again, only to squid it away. Now Alex wanted to kill Brodie.Jane and Brad invited the other car salespeople and their wives over to the house. Brad worked college football into the conversation so Jane could rail on the BCS. (Given Northern Illinois made it into the BCS, not a lot of Chicagoans are doing that this week.) But nobody was interested in football, although the Car Czar's () wife was interested in the homemade candles Brad did in his candlemaking studio/laundry room. It turns out, that gave Jane an excuse to make fun of her "wife," which worked like a charm on the other salesmen. And she had her "in." Brad would go to spin class with the wives while Jane hung out with the husbands and made fun of the wives. Which worked great...until Brad stopped by the dealership to bring Jane lunch. Jane railed him in front of the other salesmen and Brad took offense to it.Well, if Jane wanted a trophy wife, she was going to get one. The next day, Brad came back with the full panoply of trophy wife items: tennis outfit, large bag with a small dog in it...oh, that was a pig...and an attitude that would have put his old man's "Men on Film" gag from to shame. Jane was upset, but Brad told her he never talked smack about her to his banking buddies. She apologized for what she did and promised not to do it again. But that didn't stop the Car Czar from insulting Brad. Jane told him off, and the Car Czar got really mad at her. But since she was his best salesperson, she could insult him all she wanted.Penny was depressed about wearing the helmet, but Alex brought her to a bicycle shop to get her a more stylish one. Penny appreciates her efforts, and the cute guy in the shop she bumps into didn't make matters worse. That is, until Pete, asks her out. At first, she refuses because of having to wear the helmet, but Alex convinces her otherwise. She goes back to Pete and accepts the date, thanking the good advice a friend gave her. The same friend who was banging her head into the wall to test the helmets.Penny figure out how she could be on dates with Pete and still wear the helmet. Their first date, she convinced him to go on a Segway tour with her, even though she couldn't operate the thing to save her life. The moped safety lesson wasn't bad, but then he kind of drew the line when she made a picnic lunch for him...at a construction site...right next to the port-a-potty. Alex finally told her to admit the truth to Pete. Which naturally, she didn't. But then, a VERY awkward make-out session where she tried to keep Pete at bay from touching her head and even put a roll of paper towels between her head and the wall was the last straw. Finally, Penny broke down and admitted she hits her head on a lot, (PENNY: Like cartoon coyote a lot.) and the doctor was making her wear a helmet because of her concussions. Pete finally understood.PETE: (putting the pink bicycle helmet on Penny) Every queen needs her crown.PENNY: Aww! Calm down. Was all that was.And Penny had herself a boyfriend.
6To Serb with Love
Now that Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) and Dave (Zachary Knighton) are back together, they can do those couple-like things that would annoy anybody, even another couple like Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) and Jane (Eliza Coupe). Rest assured, eating corn on the cob together like it's a typewriter is annoying as crap. Although Max (Adam Pally) could make a solid argument at being fifth-wheeled by the foursome. (DAVE: We're totally not fifth-wheeling you, Joey Fatone.) But Max still has hope. After all, Penny (Casey Wilson) could screw up and have Pete leave her. Did she take some of his hairs while he was shaving and put them in a vial to wear around her neck? No. Did she show him a video of her birth? No. Did she think up a nickname for his junk, get confused, and called it "Dad?" Nope. Penny and Pete were still going out. So everybody scootches over in the booth, and Joey Fatone has now been seventh-wheeled.PENNY: STD, guys! No, Sorry...To...Disappoint. Also Still...Together...Dummies! A double STD!Jane and Alex had a big event coming up. Her parents were about to celebrate the 20th Anniversary of their mattress store, and they were to have a big party. Alex had all of the Serbian food covered, like head cheese dumplings with blood sausage dipping sauce. Jane had to make a big toast and clearly never saw the episode of "Friends" where Monica tried to make a speech at her parents' anniversary. However, Jane was going for comedy. Despite Brad's very understandable misgivings about Jane doing that, Jane was ready to consult Max ("my less fit, less attractive Bruce Vilanch") on what to do, since Mr. Kerkovich only laughs at Gallagher. Jane figured she could craft some humor out of her father's interests: World War II, the Chicago Bears, bass fishing, "The Chevy Chase Show" (not Chevy himself, the show), and old-time slide projectors. Max was not in the right frame of mind because of Penny dating Pete, and breaking them up didn't sound like a fair thing to do, so Max decided to find a BFF that was basically Penny on steroids. Someone who was five times crazier than Penny. Hence, Nickel. Or Nicole, as everyone else called her.In the meantime, the Kerkovich's anniversary party was going well. Mrs. Kerkovich (Julie Hagerty) was advising Alex on buffet strategy ("load up on the high-end meats and make sexual eye contact with the carver"). Jane worked on her joke with Brad, the joke involving Mike Ditka in a Sherman tank holding a bass and asking "next slide, please." Then Jane leaves him with Mr. Kerkovich (Christopher McDonald), who is not, nor ever has been amused, by Brad. Out of desperation, Brad tells him Jane's joke, and he loves it. Jane, you might suspect, is not happy with her husband.Dave shows up to the party a bit on the late side and talks with Mrs. Kerkovich. However, Alex shoos him out of the reception for a very simple reason: she hadn't told her parents they were back together. She even told Dave not to show up for the party, but Dave listened to Penny when she said Alex meant she really wanted him at the party when she said not to be there. Dave thought they should tell the truth, but when Mr. Kerkovich was breathing fire about all the money he wasted on the wedding (and mad at Dave for some reason instead of Alex), Dave snuck out with his tail between his legs.Meanwhile, Max and Nicole meet up with Penny and Pete and Pete's brother, who was tagging along. Nicole was a bit...chatty, that's a kind way to say it...but it turns out Penny, instead of being jealous, helps Nicole to hook up with Pete's brother, and now we have two couples again. And Max is only fifth-wheeled instead of seventh-wheeled.Desperate to make her father laugh, Jane dresses up as Gallagher and is ready to put the Sledge-O-Matic to a watermelon. However Dave comes back in, on Brad's advice to not care what anybody thinks, and announces to the crowd that he and Alex were back together. (DAVE: Don't look at me as a victim. Look at all of the ladies I dated while broken up with Alex as victims...of good sex.) But Dave was committed, as was Alex, and the crowd applauded (even Alex's father). But Jane refused to be one-upped like that, so it was time to smash a watermelon. Only she missed, the Sledge-O-Matic rebounded, and clocked her in the head, knocking her out. But she was a proud Sledge-O-Matic user when she came around; her father was laughing his tail off.Meanwhile, Penny made the same mistake she made with a lot of guys: she made a list of their faults. (seriously, if you don't want to be called a "Friends" clone, stop using their plotlines) Pete found it and walked out on her. Max was ready to gloat until he saw Penny was ready to cry. He hugged her and went to locate Pete, convincing him that Penny only makes these lists when she really likes someone, and he even divulged a few of the things that were on the list she made of him. Pete took her back.Oh, and Pete's brother dumped Nicole. Although Max found it funny Pete's brother walked around naked for an hour in his apartment before even realizing Nicole snuck into the place. Much like she just did with Max. But she was kooky, and he liked it. Max had himself a BFF again!
18 Dec 2012Description ▼
When Jane's ID is discovered fake, she admits pretending to have her birthday in July instead of Christmas, impending, to break the trauma of having it overshadowed and getting stuck with 'combo gifts', like a toy plus separate batteries. The others decide to celebrate her and thereto postpone Christmas, even after the surprise is so great she instinctively welcomes' them with pepper-spray. As predicted, Christmas keeps tempting everyone, Max can't resist stocking up eggnog, only to have his backpack container pierced, Brad is caught dancing with his hip)hop Santa. Disappointed, Jane walks off into town and accidentally finds a birthday party for Christmas babies but soon realizes not to actually hate Christmas, let alone the gang, and returns to call for a Christmas party. *Dave proves himself as 'gift whisperer' for Penny, yet Pete, now accepted in the gang, is right to politely turn down his suggestion, being romantically inspired himself.
06 Jan 2013Description ▼
Alex brings Tyler, her racist parrot, to the restaurant/coffee shop/new hangout we've never seen before to say hi to the gang. But it's good: Alex got him interested in baseball. She thinks he likes the White Sox. (TYLER: I hate Indians...I hate Native Americans, too.) But Tyler had to stay at her apartment because Alex was going to the RomCom Con. Yes, a romantic comedy convention, featuring a impersonator. Which beat some of Brad's cons, like Chaka Con, Bond Con...James Bond Con. Or Penny's cons, like Miss Saigon Con or Butter Pecan Con. (This will be an IMDb board game before long, I just know it.) DAVE: How about a con for the drunk guy who's about to get into a fight? The Oh, It's On! Con. Another customer had one to add: the SHUT THE **** UP CON! He should have saved that for the song Dave made for Alex while she was gone. But Max, Jane, and the crowd at the bar got to hear it. DAVE: (singing) Al, I miss you, you're the only one. I wish I knew how to make you come...home to me, home to me, home to me. Yeah, that went over really well. In fact, it drove Max right out of the bar. Dave and Jane concluded that Max needed to find someone to date. And despite the fact these things never work out on sitcoms, each of them decides to find someone and make Max date them. Of course, they want Max to pick their guy, and Max would. Had Dave not set him up with Brad, who had a goatee, loved acoustic guitar, and worshipped John Mayer. Jane's guy, Jamie, was something of a neat freak, liked to laminate itineraries, and even liked to wear wool miniskirts. (And no, Jamie's legs didn't look nearly as good as Jane's do in them.) On the good side, Max did find someone, Marcus, with whom he had a lot in common, so they went on a few dates. This did not make either Dave or Jane particularly happy. So much so, each of them brings their failed date around to the bar to mess with Max's real date with Marcus. And since neither Jane nor Dave would let Max make his own choice for a date, Marcus takes off. An understandably-PO'ed Max wants to know what they were doing and finally tells the truth. MAX: They're YOU!! Look at yourselves! I don't know how I can make it any clearer to you guys, but I would never date anyone even remotely like you two. So if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go home, hard-boil an egg, and eat it on the toilet! L'Chaim! Dave and Jane track Marcus down and explain the situation to him. Then they go apologize to Max, who already had his favorite Dave and Jane as friends, so why would he need to date a weak copy of either? Meanwhile, Penny and Brad help Alex pack up for her RomCom Con with all sorts of memorabilia (mostly Brad's) including his director's cut of. (Apparently in this version, 's character goes back to her spoiled ways and never learns her lesson. Very dark.) Penny teases him about it, and they accidentally knock over a clay plate of an imprint of Alex's hand when she was five. (She had man-hands, to use the popular.) But not to worry, Penny's super had some industrial strength glue (that he also used to forget his life), and the plate was back together in seconds. And no matter how many times Tyler ratted on them for breaking it, he couldn't prove it. Actually, he couldn't say a thing. Or breathe for that matter. Yup, he was dead. Penny and Brad assume it was the fumes from the glue that did it, and they were starting to panic. Well, Brad was, but a few bitch slaps from Penny made it right. (The first two for certain, the third one...) They concocted a story (PENNY: What would do in ?) to make it look like he fell out of the window because he was sick of Alex's diverse group of friends. (even crapping on a copy of Newsweek with President Obama on the cover) The cartoon-shaped bird hole in the window screen notwithstanding, Alex was devastated when she returned home to find Tyler dead. She held a memorial for him...attended by a few people sympathetic to Tyler's view of the world...but she hadn't yet had a chance to read the autopsy report on Tyler. Which, despite what Penny said, is an actual thing. Before Brad can get his hands on the autopsy report, Alex begins the eulogy, where she suspects it was almost as if Tyler was killed by human hands. Penny and Brad think the jig is up and confess to accidentally killing Tyler with the fumes from the glue. But Alex meant she thought he committed suicide because she got into an argument with Tyler over the best person to put on : or Joseph Goebbels. Very upset, she grabbed the autopsy report to read about the liver damage, and systemic organ failure due to alcoholic consumption. Now she was confused, although everyone could tell by the pictures on the memorial that Alex had been feeding him margaritas. Tyler apparently loved Mexican food, although he hated the people.
9Ordinary Extraordinary Love
08 Jan 2013Description ▼
Drinks are on Jane this week. She is pulling in some serious coin at the car dealership, and the rest of the gang are impressed that Brad is OK with not being the breadwinner in their relationship. (ALEX: You're like 'I'm Brad, and I've got an inverted wiener and my boobs squirt milk' post-gender!) OK, he isn't so proud of it, but he claims he is a man and is willing to prove it...right after he gets Jane a pen out of his purse. Max has a problem with meeting a nice guy (again) and wants to talk about it...if the "Jerks, shut up and focus on me!" was any indication. (even stealing Brad's beer) Apparently, he doesn't have much experience in meeting guys; he just waits for the pizza delivery guy to show up and asks him if he's gay. Jane tells Brad to call the guy about the dimmer switch, which Brad took to be 'your balls are buried in my purse and that's where they'll stay', so he decided to fix the dimmer switch himself. With Dave's help. In true guy fashion, they were prepared with hard hats, plenty of beer, beef jerky, an old-school boom box, even blue jeans they put a painted hand-print on. They just needed tools, like a Phillips screwdriver and the screwdriver that's not called a Phillips. Yes, it went the way you think it did, with a blackout and some electrocution. But Jane reassured Brad that he was all man. Hearing Max striking out at yet another bar (nobody would come up to him), Jane decided she needed to help Max so she enlists the help of Derrick to find Max his gay subculture. Ostrich (at Kedzie and North Avenue, which isn't that nice of a neighborhood) is what it sounds like: really thin guys dancing like they're ostriches. Ginger Snaps (at Fullerton and Cicero, again not a gay neighborhood) was full of redheads that...yup...snapped their fingers. Chameleon (at Irving and Kedzie, but at least they're getting a bit closer) was empty. Scratch that, it was packed but everybody blended into the walls. Not even Beers and Bulls helped, since it wasn't about the Chicago basketball team, and it was a lesbian bar. Since Max couldn't be defined (and he was about to shave his chest hair down to power seal level), they decided to come up with an original definition for him and host a night out. Max was...
11The Ex Factor
15 Jan 2013Description ▼
Jane's ex is coming into town. Jane reassured everybody that Ryan and she were only together when they did a semester overseas, but she was sticking to her rule with Brad that there would be only one dinner with Ryan that Brad could choose to attend or not attend. The jealous Brad had no intention of joining them for dinner, and was even doing a few 'chups (push-ups) to build himself up. He even had some of his muscle building protein shake...powder. As in the powder directly. And then Ryan showed. Ryan is a woman...and hot. And suddenly Brad had dinner plans. It turns out Jane had an experimental phase back in college, and Brad was certainly up for hearing about that. However, those dinner plans included a very hot story Jane told about Ryan and her...which she stopped by saying they talked about feminism all night. And then Ryan let it slip that Jane and she were in love once. That didn't go over so well, with Brad's ego, who actually made a PowerPoint presentation to prove Jane loved him more. Then he decided to bring one of his exes over for dinner. Jane does not appreciate Brad's childishness, but they try to make the best of it. Of course, Brad's plans unraveled quickly, as Melissa happily admitted Brad and she were just a fling from business school. But that worked, because Jane was not happy Brad had a fling with her. Max paid for the drinks (not a misprint) because he got five months of rent in advance from his new roommate, Chase. Unlike his last roommate, however, he refused to get invested in Chase's life. He didn't want to make the same mistake he made with Dave. Pity, because the day Chase moved in was the day Max's apartment had real furniture and a refrigerator stocked with beer and two pizzas. (From Gino's East, no less. Chase knows good pizza.) Suddenly Max, Dave, and Alex wanted to be Chase's best friends, so they waited around the apartment, sitting on the remaindered leather sofa, trying to look cool until he came back. (Yes, they looked as silly as it sounds.) They woke up the next day to discover Chase hadn't returned. Alex was afraid he had gotten eaten by a bear. (ALEX: I considered all of the possibilities.) Then, there was...DRAMATIC MUSIC! (MAX: Someone's scoring our life!) But it turned out to be Chase's phone. Which made them more concerned because Chase didn't take his phone with him. While Max and Alex played detective, Dave took the phone and texted the last person to text Chase and sent a text pretending to be Chase. Veronica arrived. (MAX: You can't trust Veronicas. I had a boyfriend once named Veronica. It turns out, HE was a woman!) Veronica, nonplussed by the third degree of questions from the gang, walks out. But Dave found a briefcase of old bills, so while Max and Alex tried to figure out what to do, Dave called Chase's credit card company to find the last place he used the card. And just when you think it couldn't get any more weird, it turns out Chase rented out Max's place to cheat on his wife. It was something his wife deduced when Max spilled the beans about being his roommate. So Chase remained without a marriage (or a job, since he worked for her father), and now Max was without a roommate. And had Chase primed to ruin Max's life. And Dave somehow was still wearing Chase's corduroy coat. As Penny hung out with Pete's friends as a favor to him...and found out the hard way they talk about serious issues, don't pile-on with the insults when someone makes a mistake, and solve problems without some crazy backwards way of doing it...Pete was kind enough to let her go. Penny takes Pete over to visit with Brad and Jane, although their timing could have been better, as Brad and Jane were having their uncomfortable silent party with Melissa and Ryan. With Brad and Jane still bearing their claws at each other, Ryan and Melissa bail to the balcony (and start making out), and Pete is all but begging Penny to leave, even though Penny is loving the drama and doesn't think Max's drama could top that. Well, she was wrong. And Pete had to admit Penny's friends were a lot more interesting. But at least Jane and Brad apologized and made up. (BRAD: In fairness, Melissa was never really into sex.) Now if only Jane can get Brad to bed. Melissa and Ryan were still making out. (BRAD: Five more minutes?)
12The Marry Prankster
29 Jan 2013Description ▼
The gang has decided to get back at all of the pranks Max had inflicted upon them over the years, such as the "Guns 4 Subs" program he initiated at Dave's truck...thankfully Jane knew a guy who could get rid of the guns...or buttering Penny's yoga mat (and welcome mat) or hacked Brad's Ancestry.com account to convince him he was the third Williams sister or cleaned out Jane's 401K account. Alex needed it explained a few times, natch. The prank was to buy Max a lottery ticket with the prior week's numbers and play the results from the prior week. And it worked. Max thought he was rich and was ready to dump the five losers. But his reaction was so over-the-top (even ripping off his shirt), Dave stopped him and told him it was a prank. Max vowed revenge. MAX: (way over the edge) Read...my...lips. I am going to get revenge on every last one of you. And NO ONE will be able to escape the wrath of Max Broom! Dammit, Max Bloom! How did I mess up my own name? Alex's paranoia aside (rather LOUD paranoia), Max's revenge was already underway. He put body glitter into Brad's lotions and creams. Although Jane did make the best of it with two tickets to the gun show (actual guns, not Brad's arms) and a stack of singles. Dave almost got nailed by an exploding Belgian waffle, but he didn't eat it, leaving Jane to laugh at his fear and get nailed herself. Two down, three to go. Alex loved the muffins the landlord left Dave and her for Muffin Month, but Dave saw a trap when he saw one. Lifting the top muffin fired the paintball guns. (ALEX: Oh my God! I should have known Muffin Month isn't until May!) Alex can't handle the suspense, so she goes to Max's and cuts off part of her hair to prank herself. That wasn't enough for Max, but in exchange for helping him prank the others, he promised not to prank Alex. Brad decided he had enough of his sabbatical and went to look for a job. But between mistaking someone's son for their daughter and peeing on another potential boss (in the bathroom by accident, I promise), he wasn't having any luck. Jane reassured him he could use his finance expertise to be anything, even a CFO. And he was. Brad took at job as the CFO at a kid's gym. (CFO meaning Chief Fun Officer in this case) Jane was not amused, you may have guessed. She thought Brad panicked and took the first offer he got, but Brad really wanted to work at Chuckles & Huggs. Jane was livid...until she went down to the gym and saw Brad really having fun and enjoying his job. She goes to apologize to him and they kiss, falling into the ball pit. Which was kind of fun until Brad had to put the "diaper fork" to work. (BRAD: For now. I work here for now.) Meanwhile, Penny comes home to see rose petals on the floor and wondered why her housekeeper would drag dead flowers on the floor. They ended with a small gray box on a table next to some champagne. Sure enough, it was an engagement ring. She rushes to the phone...and gets nailed with a gallon of slime. (yup, it was Max) But Alex was ready to punk Dave, only she was the world's worst actress, so Dave told her to sit on the couch since she wanted him to so badly. And the airbag under the couch goes off, propelling poor Alex through the air and actually breaking the coffee table, hurting her leg in the process. (Bad CGI, but whatevs) Dave thought she was insane to set off her own prank, so he offers to turn it around and out-prank Max. Penny decided to confront Max by wearing a wedding gown and make him feel guilty about it. But Max was celebrating Penny getting married and wasn't kidding. That's because he only did the slime by the phone. Penny was suddenly off the walls and had to call her mother again. And got slimed again, although that was meant for Dave. (PENNY: This dress was a rental.) BTW, Penny threw out the ring thinking it was a prank, so Max and she had to go dumpster diving to find it. Thankfully Pete was busy being superglued to his toilet, since Max pranked him, too. (MAX: I live by Mafia rules.) Max and Penny go to Pete's to free him, although he would need a few minutes for the burning to fade. Outside, Dave and Alex are ready to prank Max's limo, an act of real genius. Literally. They were doing the popcorn gag from. He wired a dozen hot plates to the ignition and filled it with popcorn. This actually blew up the limo. Like, an explosion. Dave collapsed in the street and cried like a little girl. With Max standing right behind him. Alex was in on it the whole time. MAX: I pranked all of you. Me! Max Blum! And I said my name right! I am the WIENER! Dammit! Of course, he lost his one source of income, but Pete had finally arrived and was ready to propose. Of course, Penny had to give him the engagement ring she found in the dumpster, but Pete loved getting surprised by Penny every day and wanted that for the rest of his life. He asked, she said yes, and it rained popcorn. The gang did have to admit Max got them good. Of course, he started it with the Guns 4 Subs prank, but Max denied it. Suddenly, a fax came for everybody with Alex's sketch on it. Yes, folks. Alex Kerkovich is Keyser Soze!!!!! ALEX: I'm not as dumb as I think I am.
13Our Best Friend's Wedding
29 Jan 2013Description ▼
Penny was having the best engagement party...once she showed up. But the finger sandwiches shaped into the letter P were cute. (ALEX: Why are there so many of these lower-case B sandwiches?) Penny finally arrived and saw some of her engagement gifts, like the blender from Max. Which he must sell 15 of...and have everybody else sell 15 of apiece...to get some very bad people off of his back. Jane's gift was very much Jane: she was going to be Penny's wedding planner. (Think Monica from, only much more sinister.) Pete finally arrived...once he was told about the engagement party...and was overwhelmed. Particularly because he wanted to elope. Penny took it well. (BRAD: Penny took that hardwood floor to the head like a boss, huh?) Dave was even more upset because he wanted a wedding. He was a regular Bridezilla. DAVE: Wouldn't I be a Groomzilla? MAX: Groomzilla is not a word because it never needed to exist before. But since no one was taking this lying down (and Penny had already booked Chicago...yes, the actual band...for her wedding), Jane suggested going to the wedding expo downtown. With all of the free stuff there, it was a "classic group gang hang." JANE: And I'm going to change Pete's mind, or they don't call me "bitch" behind my back. At the expo, Alex and Dave were paired up as a couple, over Alex's protests. Brad and Max had to couple up in order to get the freebies, so Max provided him with a back story. And Jane took her VIP pass with Penny to prepare her. She also got Pete to show up by telling him it was a reggae fest. (JANE: In my defense, I did not know he was going to come in like he just shot the sheriff.) Even though Pete's brother went through hell planning his wedding, he acquiesced for Penny's sake. And they knew their audience, so Jane and Penny brought out so many of his favorites, such as a wedding cake made of hot wings, a reggae band, and sushi served on an attractive woman. Who, by the way, got eloped so Penny wasn't much for that. In the meantime, Alex talked about how cool a bouncy castle would be at a wedding, or to have their nuptials underwater. But she was really trying to goad Dave into going Bridezilla on her and he wouldn't take the bait. (DAVE: I'm Chillzilla.) That is, until Alex saw some beige napkins, which Dave thought should be folded in the shape of middle fingers, because that's what beige napkins say to guests. As for the soon-to-be-married Brad and Max, who were lamenting what a computer said their kids would look like (MAX: It looks like the third Gumbel brother: Yitzhak Gumbel), they found a booth with all of Brad's favorite soaps and lotions. They dropped a few famous names to get their welcome bags filled to the brim. And it was working great until a guy scoped on Max, who wanted Brad to break up with him immediately. Brad wasn't having it because he didn't get all of his freebies, but Max got a turn-around from the guy (when two gay guys pass by each other and turn...am I really explaining this?), so he put on the full act of being devastated from Brad breaking up with him. Of course, Brad wasn't expecting the front line of the Green Bay Packers to be taking Max's side (I'm a Bears fan, what team did you expect me to say?), and they threaten to beat him up. So Brad goes back to Max, who was doing quite well with his new potential boyfriend, and apologized for every thing everybody thinks he said. Max wants to kill him, but his potential new boyfriend was already gone and Brad explained he would get the crap beat out of him if they didn't reconcile. Of course, now they want Brad and Max to kiss and make up. They do the almost-touch fake-out and run for the hills. Now anybody would have to admit having your wedding video done "a-ha Style" would be epic, but Pete was trying to keep it in. But then a professional wedding planner asked Penny and Pete if they were trying to do their wedding alone. Marcy Grace, The Wedding Planner, was there to help. ("Yes, the movie was based on me.") Jane wasn't taking that one lying down, saying Marcy was only a pro if she added a "stitute" to that. The two get into a fight, which is exactly what Pete was trying to explain to Penny, that weddings make people crazy. Dave and Alex arriving in their insane beige napkin argument didn't help. Pete takes her in front of a backdrop of Hawaii and asks why that couldn't be enough. Penny hems and haws at the question, and Pete leaves. Dave, still stung by Alex accusing him of being selfish at their wedding (that she walked out of, yes), talks to Penny and understands her point of view of letting everyone see she found the right person, especially since nobody ever thought she would find ANY guy. But she wanted Pete more than anything, so she found him and offered to go down to the courthouse right now. (PENNY: But not the one on Belmont. Or on Michigan. I kind of went through a bailiff phase.) Pete wanted her to be happy, and the fact she even considered eloping was enough to convince him to have a wedding. And Dave apologized to Alex by giving her a baby chick (to complete her baby animal petting zoo for her wedding) in a beige napkin.
14In the Heat of the Noche
29 Mar 2013Description ▼
Brad is having a lot of fun working at Chuckles and Huggs; he even has pictures on his smartphone. Which nobody wants to see but that won't stop him. Speaking of smartphones, Max and Penny have texting issues with theirs. As in too many texts to their significant others. (Max can even send a text by dry humping the counter.) They decide they need to go cold turkey and get the power back in their relationships, since both of them wait and wait for replies back. Oh, and Jane shouldn't go off her carb diet at Max's apartment, given the cereal she was eating came with the apartment...and the water pipes could give you tetanus. At Chuckles and Huggs, the shop was about to close because Terry, the co-owner of Chuckles and Huggs (well, owner since Mr. Huggs died three years ago from a bad facelift), wasn't exactly business savvy. Thankfully, Jane knew her husband. It was like his favorite movie...OK, his 23rd-favorite movie,. He would be in the role of. (BRAD: Whoopi was SO hot in that movie.) Jane thought he could use his special skill to save the gym. BRAD: OK, how am I suppose to give 14 consecutive orgasms to the building? JANE: (awkward) OTHER skill. Brad had business acumen. After taking a look at the books, he figured the gym could hold many more birthday parties, host entertainment, and cut down the pizza orders from 100 per day. And Terry not cooking stuff in the employee bathroom would be a big help in cutting down that pizza order. Penny's solution to Max's obsessive texting? (she can't do anything about his watching stock footage and gay porn) NocheTussin! Which came from Mexico since it was banned in the US...which the Mexicans smuggle in from Nicaragua because it's also banned in Mexico. (It's made in Libya.) But one shot apiece, and the two were out for the night. It was perfect...apart the paralysis down one side Max was feeling. Neither Penny nor Max texted their mates the whole night. But then the next night came along, and the shot of NocheTussin only got them to four in the morning. So they doubled-up the dosage and were out for a day and change. This prompted Pete to cancel the golf trip he was on and rush home to Penny, fearing something terrible happened to her. Given how Max and she looked after that 29-hour coma, you could understand why. But she apologized for being silly and asked for Pete's forgiveness. To pull this off, Brad needed everyone's help. Everyone not whacked out on NocheTussin, that is. Dave could sing to the kids (kid songs, not the crap he tries to pass off as music), Alex could handle arts and crafts, and Jane could do what she does best with kids. As soon as she figures it out. It didn't start so well for Dave; the kids booed his guitar playing. They thought it was doody. An upset Dave then started strumming his guitar and repeating the word doody. And the kids loved it and begged for more. Alex enjoyed the little beaded bracelets the kids were making for her, and she enjoyed them even more when she found out her store customers would pay $150 for them. And Jane still couldn't figure out what the kids would like. Not documentaries, not web page lessons, not archery, none of that. In the meantime, one of the parents stopped by and complimented Brad on how well Chuckles and Huggs was running. He was partner in a financial firm who did some research on Brad and offered him a job. Brad, not getting much support from his friends, originally decided to stay at Chuckles and Huggs, but Jane made him realize his best skill in the world (apart from giving her orgasms, natch) was business. Brad thanked Terry for the opportunity and hoped the business would stay afloat. Terry figured with the lessons Brad gave him...plus the $2.5 million inheritance from his aunt when she was crushed by a satellite...should be enough to keep the business going. And Jane found her thing: being on the bottom of a Squish Mountain. (the kids piled on top of her) Oh, and Alex's new bracelet business didn't get very far. It was an illegal sweatshop.
15The Straight Dope
29 Mar 2013Description ▼
Discussions of marrying and divorcing and marrying to make her name Kathryn Bigelow Bigelow Bigelow: Male Giggolo aside (and don't even ask me to throw in the foursome with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley from Wham!), getting to the Bulls game was tough for the guys, mainly because Dave thinks everyone who tries to scalp tickets is a cop. Even the kid from the church group. (DAVE: I told you, Chicago PD has a Jump Street unit!) Nor could they watch it on TV, because Alex had commandeered the set. (ALEX: Consider this TV 's daughter, because this bitch is Taken.) Again, Dave's fault for losing cable at their apartment. Fortunately for Max, he had a solution. While trying to hide from an annoying guy he slept with (MAX: I blame beer goggles, but he was the last gay guy in the bar so I also have to blame queer goggles, and he gave me a piece of his bagel, so I also have to blame shmear goggles.), he struck up a conversation with an attractive woman in a bar, Katie. And leaves out the little part about being gay when he finds out she had Bulls tickets near the bench. Alex was none too happy about being needled about her choices of television (like Baby Justice...a four-year-old is sheriff of a small town), so she decidd to hit the books, and the newspaper (not a tabloid newspaper) and smarten herself up. (ALEX: I'm as serious as this mess in Washington! Did I get that right? I only got halfway through the article.) Naturally, neither Jane nor Dave thinks she can do it. (DAVE: You gave up on the AFI Top 100 Comedies when you found out Harold and Maude didn't make it to White Castle.) Dave has to rub it in when he catches Alex reading The Global Financial Crisis. So he tries to explain how the economy works, but she thinks he's feeding her the same BS the banks tried to feed us with mortgage-backed securities. (uh-oh) (DAVE: Dear God, what did that mean?) Meanwhile, Penny and Brad weren't going to take Max rubbing it in their faces about going to the Bulls game (and almost getting thrown out for snapping upshort pictures of the players with his smartphone.) But how do you prove Max is gay when he was the least-gay person of the group? He didn't have tons of skin lotion (that was Brad), pictures of guys with goatees (that was Dave), or any gay porn (that was Alex)? There was still Thumb Face Larry...or Larry now, since he was part of Penny's evil plan to get Max out of the closet again. And it started to work...until Brad found out Katie had a third ticket to the Bulls game. Now Larry was simply a business partner instead of a sexual one. PENNY: (to Brad) What about...the truth? BRAD: Oh, right. (to Katie) Penny and Max used to date, and she's still in love with him. so any claims she makes should be dismissed as the rantings of a jealous madwoman. Dave was going crazy because Alex might be smarter than him now. (JANE: You thought army guys wore camelflage.) He decided to smarten himself up with some library books...that he left on the grill at his restaurant. Jane, however, was thrilled to be able to talk to her sister on an intellectual level. That is, until she vetoed Alex's order of ribs for lunch and told her what she could eat. Alex knew this was a case of an obsessive need to control, which was quite common in older siblings. (Does it work if you're the youngest of 7 kids? Do they still try to control you?) No, Jane was not happy to be called out on it. But Alex wasn't finished; she was throwing a salon, which is what they call a party for smart people. (ALEX: Tonight is going to be a veritable Who's Who of people who respond to flyers on community college bulletin boards.) Penny decided to ask Alex for advice about her Max situation, and she recommended Sun Tzu. (PENNY: Dave's friend who always tries to sell me yarn?) Alex pointed out being Max's ex, she has intimate knowledge of the things that repulse him and she should turn her weaknesses into strengths. Alex was liking the new Alex, and DVDs of and a Japanese game show weren't going to change her. Nor was the modeling glue Jane brought...although Dave liked it. Penny's Sun Tzu-inspired plan? Apologize to Katie and admit she still had a thing for Max "down there." Which discouraged Katie a bit, given Max and she hadn't kissed yet. (Well, they tried forekissing, and it's too difficult to explain.) Penny told her that was the precursor to mind-blowing sex, and Katie shouldn't let Max keep her at bay any longer. Although Brad would prefer at least until after the Jay-Z concert. He tells Max he'll have to do the deed with Katie to keep the concert tickets. MAX: Hey, I can do anything this guy sets his mind to. BRAD: (testing him) Lady butt. MAX: Gross! Why are they so weird and hairless? As Alex discovers the hardway intellectual people can be arrogant jerks, Katie was going in for the kill with Max. Although he did have his defenses, like a DVD, a documentary on female circumcision, and a compression sleeve Katie could wear over her breasts. But he finally caved and admitted he was gay. Which Katie sort of figured, although she didn't know why. (MAX: At first, it was about your sweet-ass Bulls tickets. But then I got to know you...and then it was still about your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.) And she left. No, they didn't get to go to the Jay-Z concert. Penny, however, got to go thanks to her shared "duped by gay guys" she had with Katie. As for Alex, Dave and Jane apologized for what they did, but Alex admitted the people at her party were vicious when you mix up the id and the ego even once. So, she would still study, but the TV programs were back. As for her party, it was fun taking a fire extinguisher to the hipster losers. (ALEX: Got that one right in the 'nads!)
05 Apr 2013Description ▼
Dave's excited to get his truck back and introducing his new Steak.0 sandwich at Alex's block party. That was his contribution, but Alex needed a few more things for the silent auction. Penny donated a P.R. consultation...in other words, nothing. Jane was going to design three centerpieces, and Max is out one hairdresser. He just came back from the guy's funeral, although he was more sad about having to look for a new hairdresser. Brad suggests his barbershop, but Max hates arguing with them over who is the bigger Tyler Perry fan. Alex and Jane have a hairdresser named KrisJahn...not Christian, KrisJahn...which Max also vetoes. Then Dave suggests his guy, who cuts man hair man-style. So Max goes...and ends up with Dave's exact hairstyle...including a beard somehow. BRAD: You look like Suze Orman after she stopped shaving. ALEX: You look like a keytar player from a Christian rock band. JANE: You look like Alf. PENNY: You look like an assistant manager at a Jacksonville multiplex. (huh???) Of course, Dave loves the style, but off to KrisJahn it is! Dave tortured the ladies with his new Steak.0 sandwich. (JANE: That is definitely fart paper.) Dave argued he needed to shake things up and make improvements. However, Penny wanted to use the truck to move her armoire. He didn't have to help; that's what the Kerkovich sisters were for. They moved a lot of mattresses, and Alex could move an armoire by herself. And she literally did. Unfortunately, Penny left the keys to the steak truck on the dash (also known as a screwdriver), and the truck was stolen. Max goes to KrisJahn to get his hair un-Dave'd and is regailed with some majorleague bitch-hissing Alex and Jane say to KrisJahn behind the other sister's back. Like how Jane thinks Alex can't pull off the block party or Alex thinking Alex's centerpieces look like they came from the center of someone's butt. Max tells Brad, who already knew. That's how Kerkoviches deal with their stuff: by telling someone else and letting it stew. (MAX: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and I've heard Alex and Dave talk about the Civil War.) The last time Alex and Jane tried to be honest with each other, the fight lasted for weeks. It was so bad, in fact, the family referred to it as "the incident." Brad warns Max not to swat the hornet's nest, but obviously Max is not going to listen despite promising Brad he wouldn't stir anything up. And he didn't, spilling everything KrisJahn told him to Alex and Jane. (BRAD: Damn you, you smell-a-like!) But innocent Brads being yelled at and denied sex for weeks was not going to be on the table. Max was going to help him fix this. Penny goes to tell Dave something terrible happened. (DAVE: Oh, my God! Something happened to !) Penny told him about the truck, and Dave was freaking out because that was his livelihood and the cops would never look for it because he wasn't white. (DAVE: I AM 1/16th Navajo.) Thankfully, it didn't take long for them to find the truck...with a really long line in front of it. The guy who stole the truck was making sandwiches and doing it far more successfully than Dave. Penny and Dave confront him, and Dave offered not to call the cops in exchange for the recipe for the great steak sandwich the guy was making. The guy admitted using the dry rub Dave already had plus one secret ingredient: love. ("I literally make love to the meat.") And the offer to not call the cops was off the table. With Brad's and Max's efforts to get Alex and Jane to talk it out resulted in a knock-down drag-out fight (Jane actually broke a mop handle and used it as nunchucks), Brad decided the only shot was to figure out how they got the original fight ended twenty years ago. He digs in to Jane's and his storage locker (where Jane has a mannequin of Brad...and anatomically correct, too) and finds the information on the battle Alex and Jane had in 1993. And it was time to unveil the solution at the block party: Nana! She broke up the original fight because it brought so much shame to the Kerkovich name. The sisters were fighting as usual. (ALEX: You gave me a serious addiction to candy cigarettes! JANE: You broke my Bob Dole action figure!) And Nana made them put on the two costumes. Some Serbian music came up over the DJ speakers, and the two women had to do the sestra ples. A traditional Serbian dance. It took a few steps, but Alex and Jane eventually stopped fighting and hugged. Max couldn't believe it worked. NANA KERKOVICH: The dance reminded them they are sisters. They are Serbians. They are members of the master race that will one day will bathe in the blood of... MAX: OK, that's good. That's good. PENNY: I swear, I was at her funeral. It was an open casket! BTW, the mannequin of Brad? The anatomically correct one? With a motor in it? Well, Jane watched a little too much Nancy Grace while Brad was away a lot on business and made an investment. It even had Brad's voice. ("You are right, and I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm always wrong.")
17Bros Before Bros
05 Apr 2013Description ▼
The gang is silent at Dave's news his steak truck would have to go up against The Brazilian again this spring. Actually, they five-way jinxed themselves and Dave had to release them by saying their names. And Alex could breathe again, because she played Jinx by prison rules. But back to Dave's problem. The Brazilian once stuffed his exhaust fan with manure and sent a to-go order for Dave to cater for 1,100 at 's bachelor party. (DAVE: It was Dean frickin' Cain.) He needed the gang's help, but the ladies were deep into planning Penny's wedding. And with Jane's help, it was planned down to the very last detail...except who was going to walk Penny down the aisle. (ALEX: You had Jane plan a back-up wedding in an underground bunker just in case North Korea...quote..."grew a pair," but you never thought about who was going to walk you down the aisle?) Roy and Penny's mom had her when they were 17 before he left to become an actor, which they all agreed was the worst. Alex decided it would still be good for Penny to ask her father, while Jane did not want anything to do with the deadbeat. Brad's idea for beating The Brazilian was to apply sound buisness strategy to maximize profits, but of course Max opts for out -and-out revenge, switching The Brazilian's meat order to something a bit more low-grade. Naturally, Dave chooses Max's idea. And it works, until Max meets someone at the meat market and takes him to bed. The guy was The Brazilian's son, Wilson. BRAD: Dammit, Chad! You got me in trouble again! (explaining) Chad's what I call my underpants monster. You two have met. Penny's meeting with her father was a bit awkward at first, mostly thanks to Jane. But Roy's story about meeting at Studio 54 and hearing "you've got it" from Sondheim really did wonders. Of course, Sondheim was referring to the umbrella Roy took, but whatevs. But Roy wasn't a deadbeat; he owned the company that made Roy's Hard Mimosas, which Alex totally loved. They toasted his second chance with a Roy's Hard Mimosa. And he even managed to get Jane to warm up to him by buying Penny the wedding dress she had been dreaming of having but was too expensive to buy. After The Brazilian answered Max's meat order by putting Dave's truck on its rear (literally), Dave was ready to execute Max's next salvo, but Max admitted to sleeping with Wilson. (DAVE: The volleyball from that you stole from the Houston Planet Hollywood?) Needless to say, Dave is pissed. (DAVE: Bros before bros, man!) Despite having to pick love or friendship, Max assures Dave he's on his team. He promised to get Dave a prime spot right outside of Wrigley Field for the Cubs opener so Dave could decorate his truck with ivy and put a little scoreboard on it. Max found The Brazilian's truck and had a funnel and a bag of sugar at the ready, but Wilson saw him and Max totally broke down. He told Wilson he really wanted to be with him. Wilson promised he would talk to his father and resolve the feud with Dave. Penny, Alex, and Jane enjoyed more of the drinks Roy's company made. They didn't think Roy buying the dress was too much. However, when Roy stopped by to tell Penny he booked the Drake Hotel for her wedding and invited Pete to go on a fishing trip with him, Penny started to get cold feet about him jumping back into her life so quickly. She didn't need him to buy her a wedding; she needed him at her father-daughter dance in school and she took her mom instead. Or when that pregnant girl punched her in the face at prom. (PENNY: And I know it seems like I only needed you during dances, but there were plenty of other times, too.) Roy took the hint and said he was heading back to New York. As for Opening Day at Wrigley, not only did The Brazilian get the better spot, he even stole Dave's idea for ivy and a list of the specials made to look like the iconic Wrigley Field scoreboard. (MAX: I saw Wilson last night and gave up the goods. And told him about your idea.) Dave was pissed to say the least. Finally, Dave decided to talk to The Brazilian, who promised to talk it out after the game over a cafe con leche. Dave thought he had it...until The Brazilian threw Dave's sandwich back at him. However, the gang had Dave's back and threw vegetables at the Brazilian. His boys readied their vegetables, and the food fight was on! And got a little violent when Dave got nailed by someone's prosthetic arm. Penny wasn't doing so well and was about to get nailed by a hard tomato...until Roy took the bullet for her. Max was firing away and found Wilson, who admitted his father invoked "Dads Before Lads" and betrayed Max. Seeing Max and Wilson kiss in the street, it was obvious to The Brazilian that his son loved Dave's son (this is all very ), and they worked out their differences. Penny forgave Roy, understanding "too fast, too soon" quite well. (PENNY: The first day of college, I gained 15 pounds.) She wasn't sure if Roy should walk her down the aisle, but given he brought her the bracelet the hospital put on her when she was born, she really wanted him at the wedding. PENNY: I never really asked you, and Mom never really mentioned it, but why didn't you two work out? ROY: Oh, I'm SUPER gay. PENNY: And that explains almost everything about me.
18She Got Game Night
12 Apr 2013Description ▼
The good news is, Max finally broke the unbreakable pinata, thanks to throwing it down to the street and having a car crash into it. (the car received more damage than the pinata) While everybody was binging on questionable candy (BRAD: I think there's glass in my Senior Mints...and my Sophomore Mints.), Dave told everyone he got a job offer to work at a restaurant called Knife, but he didn't know if he should take the job or keep his food truck. Alex wants him to take it. (ALEX: I love that restaurant. They have a lot of food there.) Jane offered to make a pros/cons list for him, while Brad offered to do the financials. Not to be nice: those things got them horny. But Dave had that covered; he would go to his psychic, Tammy. Now all he needs to do is convince Tammy to come out of retrirement from Phoenix. Penny runs into an old friend, Daphne, on the streets. Daphne couldn't get over Penny getting married, which apparently Penny translated into thinking she's going to fast by marrying Pete. And the more Max and Jane tried to convince her that wasn't the case, the crazier she got. So crazy, she actually thought she and Pete knew each other better than Brad and Jane. Uh-oh. Jane has that little Monica Gellar streak inside of her. That set the stage for Couple's Game Night. And all you had to do to get Max on board was tell him he wasn't invited. He even brought a ringer. Scotty knew a lot about Max from stalking him, although he prefers to be called Obsessive-American. The first round is easy enough: what is your mate's favorite color? Pete correctly guesses Penny's favorite color is purple, Scotty correctly guessed red for Max, and Jane correctly guessed Brad's favorite color was green. Except it's blue. Jane claimed it was green, but when Brad met her, he discovered he could get into her pants faster by just agreeing with everything she said. Oops, this was going to be a long night. Meanwhile, Dave couldn't make up his mind about the job and didn't know whom to ask for advice. Alex had a good idea; pick someone close to him. Maybe someone who lived with him. But Dave decided on a Tarot card reader instead. But no matter how much the cards pointed to Dave taking the job at Knife, he dismissed it. The reader was sick and tired of him, and it turns out Tammy went into retirement because she was sick and tired of Dave, too. Finally, Alex gives him the best advice. He knew his answer; he had been hinting at it all night. He just had to say it, and he finally did. He was going to stick with the truck. He knew the whole time. DAVE: That's what you're saying; that I've been my own psychic the whole time! Brad and Jane's night was going from bad to worse. (although you had to like the matching jogging suits and the trash talking they were doing) Team Jenga was a disaster, as was passing oranges. (Loved the music from, very 80s.) Although to be fair, Scotty had stolen Parkinson's medication from his grandmother's medicine cabinet, so that's how he was staying calm. When all was said and done, Penny had taken down Brad and Jane. And Jane was freaking out about Brad not knowing anything about her. And slipping on the crushed oranges on the ground. (JANE: Damn you, Floormalade!) Penny apologized for what the game did to them, but Jane reassured her she was just mad for now and would never let a stupid game decide if Brad was right for her. Now Penny was having second thoughts about marrying Pete. Unlike Jane, Penny couldn't picture herself forty or fifty years down the line and being married to Pete. Jane took Penny into the bathroom, and Penny admitted something Daphne said earlier struck a nerve. She needed the Game Night to prove to herself she was wrong and wasn't marrying Pete in a whirlwind of romance. But she was. And Brad agreed. Max also did, but he really needed to use the bathrom. (and Scotty 'borrowed' all of the prescription medication) Penny tells Pete how sorry she was and he takes off. The gang goes to comfort her, even Scotty. (JANE: Tushies are not in play!)
19The Storm Before the Calm
12 Apr 2013Description ▼
What's the plan for taking care of Penny during her post-Peteum depression...Brad's term, which he copyrighted...and keep her from going into her post-breakup cocooning process? (It was quite scary.) A care package worked nicely, as did Alex's list of things Penny should dare to do. (in other words, she spent no money). But it turns out Penny had her own plan: get back into playwriting. (You already know where this is going, don't you.) Although Jane finding some low-carb edible underwear (strictly as a snack, not for sex) might top playwriting in the scary department. While Alex and Max got a job offer to advertise for products because they were part of a hip, diverse, now group (the guy liked Max as the new face of gay), Penny was hoping her friend, Derrick, would have his theater company put on her play. (PENNY: Have you guys heard of the Steppenwolf Theatre? Then you should be able to find Derrick's theater because it's right around the corner and above a Pho restaurant.) Dave offered his assistance as a former theater critic for his college newspaper, and Brad claimed as a kid he was in an all-white production of. Thankfully, Derrick came down to tell Penny his company would put on the play. Alex and Max decided Jane didn't need to be in on it, even though the marketing manager wanted her there. Jane's story about spending all of her recess time in third grade developing an inbox/outbox system for homework really didn't help her cause. Although she got interviewed back then...by the school psychologist. Meanwhile, it was time for a table read of Penny's play: Black Plauge: A Love Story. The play was about Clete, the young, attractive well-meaning leading man who would be destroyed by the Black Plauge, played by Penny. (EVERYBODY BUT PENNY: uh boy) ALEX: Wait, Penny wrote a play about a guy who's about to get his heart ripped out? Is this about Dave? As you may have guessed, everybody tries to point out Penny's play was based on some very personal events in her life, and Penny was in full denial. (PENNY: It's a character! Would you ask if he really were a cannibal? Would you ask if he really owns Bubba Gump Shrimp? I think he actually does, or at least he gets a big chunk of the backend merch.) While Brad admires Dave's hair (yes, you read that right, Max and Alex's hair conditioner does wonders!), Jane thinks Penny, who hasn't talked to anybody in a week, needs to hear that Pete will be alright from some guy who had been through a breakup and survived. Brad had that happen in high school, and Dave got over his breakup with Alex the second they got back together. (JANE: Maybe have Brad lead off, you jump in quick and pass it right back to Brad. Or, you know, keep your mouth shut.) And while Jane proceeds to sabotage Alex and Max's attempts to pimp the conditioning mist at the bar, Brad confronts Penny at her play auditions, telling her she needed to find a healthier way to deal with her breakup. (PENNY: You are so right...for the role of Clete!) And Brad tries to get her back to reality, but memorizing too many of 's monologues from, he folded. Dave couldn't handle it, either, but he just really wanted a role, too. So Penny made him a stage tech. Alex and Max finally broke down and asked Jane in on the gig. Which was a good thing because Alex and Max were paying $2500 to buy the products they were trying to sell, but they had only received $373 in pay. Figuring out they had been played, Dave and Brad confront Penny again about the play, only to be fired. So they're forced to sit in the seats all bitter and watch the trainwreck of a play, given Derrick was going to play Clete. (The musical number about what the Black Plague will to do Clete didn't help matters, either. Although Alex enjoyed it.) But right before Clete gets to the big ending where the Plague kills him, Penny can't go on stage. Acutally, she does and tells Pete (not Clete) that she can't destroy him again. Given Penny was in the middle of a full meltdown on stage (and they had to finish before 4:00 for 's one-woman show), Dave turned up the lights and Brad pretended to be Clete and talked him out of it. (BRAD: You did the guy a favor. You didn't want to spend the rest of your life with him. Now he's free to find someone who does.) On the bright side, Penny got over her self-hatred, those lensless glasses Alex and Max sold were really catching on, and Dave loved his personal voice recorder. Maybe too much, based on the recordings. (DAVE: New downstairs hair idea! Double lightning bolt! And I really love my friends...in the following order...)
20The Ballad of Lon Sarofsky
26 Apr 2013Description ▼
Penny's been trying to get over Pete, and staying with Brad and Jane has been a big help while her apartment was being fumigated. In fact, they even decided to hold a double-date dinner party so she could have a fling with her vegetarian friend, Sean, who gave her a workout mix tape with too much Better Than Ezra on it. (PENNY: I didn't even know they had more than one song.) Everybody liked him; Alex even suggesting Penny take him to Bone Town. (It's a rib place on Halsted. What did you think she meant, you pervs?!?) Unfortunately, Brad got caught in an awkward situation at the car dealership when looking for Jane. He ran into Lon Sarofsky, aka The Car Czar, who basically guilted his way into the dinner date at Brad and Jane's. And between complaining about a lack of meat in the meal and challenging Sean to some wrestling, pretty much torpedoed any chance Penny had of a relationship with Sean. But if she wanted a fling, the Car Czar was available for sex...and Penny took him up on it. Again and again. In Brad and Jane's guest bedroom. And it's even more disgusting than you think it is. Max needs a job. (shocking!) Given he paid his last month's rent in pennies, Alex and Dave had plenty of suggestions for Max to find work. And naturally, he decides to go for another get-rich-quick scheme: by competing in the Mr. Super Gay Chicago Pageant. But Dave and Alex were still on board! They split the categories between them, Dave thinking Max needed to be classy, while Alex wanted him to go for flashy and fire. Which was fine until Dave started going into Alex's categories and vice versa. Long story short, Max was in last place with only one event to go. Although he did win one round by stuffing 44 marshmallows into his mouth. Discovering that the Car Czar had some sort of weird hold over Penny because she kept sleeping with him (and a weird hold over Brad because he kept inviting him everywhere), Jane decided she had to put her foot down. After one rather disturbing roleplay in the guest bedroom, Jane made it clear that Penny couldn't see the Car Czar anymore. As long as she was under Jane's roof, she had to live by Jane's rules. Except Penny was going back to her apartment right then since the exterminator was done. Jane and Brad pleaded for Penny to dump the disgusting Car Czar, but she said she might even be in love with him. Which he just happened to overhear. Fortunately for Penny, the Car Czar's wife decided to take him back and kicked Penny to the curb. In the end, though, it worked out quite nicely. Penny got to have some great sex with someone she found so disgusting, she didn't get emotional about him leaving. Let's not even talk about Brad's separation anxiety. Max, humiliated on stage, fired both Alex and Dave. But both of them apologized for making the contest about them instead of Max. They reached a compromise routine for Max to perform at the talent competition. One, in fact, Dave performed when he was 11. Max would sing I Got You Babe while dressed half as Sonny and half as Cher. (more of a post-plastic surgery Cher to give it more flash). He won the competition and even treated everybody to dinner. Hopefully, the restaurant took pennies, as they were the only currency Max still trusted.
26 Apr 2013Description ▼
Alex has a bit of a problem. So does Max. Alex buys Groupons all the time and loses interest in using them. Such as buying a pottery class and then getting distracted by a puppy store. (And yes, the shot of playing around with a bunch of cute puppies is as adorable as you think.) Max, however, has an even bigger problem. He ran into the guy whose life he ruined, Chase. He figured Chase wanted revenge, given he got Chase fired and his wife to dump him. But even though Chase's ex decided to marry his brother...and he had to give the Best Man toast at the wedding...Chase wasn't going to seek revenge because that's still not as pathetic as Max's life was. He was going to put rats in Max's apartment, but the rats already there were much bigger. Suddenly Max needed help in turning his life around if it was that pathetic. They begged Brad and Penny for help, and naturally they went with the easier task: Alex's. However, that did leave Jane to help Max turn his life around. She even had a chart with a picture of him on it...in his underwear. Which is all you can do since it was so rare to see Max fully clothed. There were a lot of red arrows pointing to things on Max that needed improving. (JANE: You're like the Oakland of gay guys.) Thanks to Brad and Penny assisting her, Alex was burning through the Groupons and was almost ready to win the bet she made with Dave about them, who bet she couldn't spend 11 Groupons in a week. The half-price tequila shots followed by laser eye surgery may not have been a good idea, but Dave was more concerned about losing the bet. Fortunately, he made Penny see that if Alex won the bet, she'd be single and 50 and still spending Groupons with Alex. (PENNY: I resent that! Could you have at least made me a widow in this hypothetical?) But she does agree to help Dave sabotage Alex. Some scissors, cooked vegetables, a firehose, and some later, Jane was successful in transforming Max into something a bit more human. He even had a job interview at a grocery store. He went in for the bagger position, but his "candor" in the interview actually got him the role of assistant manager. Which made Max instantly suspicious that Chase has some sort of devious plan to ruin him by making him successful before pulling the rug out from under him. Naturally, Jane thinks he's crazy, but Max couldn't be dissuaded. And tried to pull Jane's face off, thinking she was Chase. (MAX: Full disclosure, Jane...not the first time I thought you were a dude.) Dave has an idea to avoid having to swim with the dolphins (DAVE: I have a paralyzing fear of dolphins, as in when I'm near them, I lose my poop.) with Alex at the aquarium...and pay for the Groupon. He bought a boatload of burner cell phones (must have gotten them from Michael Westen on ) to load up the reservations at her favorite rib place so she couldn't use the Groupons she had for them...only she already used them. Dave had one last Groupon left to sabotage: the military obstacle course. Max is in a full state of panic. Not only was he doing a good job at the grocery store, he was approved for a credit card, his gums didn't bleed anymore when he flossed, and he was made a hero by giving a choking woman the Heimlich, who just happened to be a reporter for a local TV station. (Yes, the ABC affiliate. WLS-TV, Channel 7.) At that point, even Jane agreed Chase had to be behind it. Unfortunately, Alex couldn't use the last Groupon at the military obstacle course because it was flooded out. (Given our weather around here, that was quite the irony.) Even more unfortunately, Max felt the need to sabotage his own life rather than have Chase try to ruin it. Jane regretfully helped out, ruining his clothes, throwing dirt on him, and even made him chocolate cake for him to eat. (JANE: Yup, back to where you were. Human pastrami.) But that wasn't enough for Max. He wanted Jane to beat the crap out of him so Chase would never come back. Naturally, Jane refused. MAX: Jane, at times, you're woefully unprepared. And it was like George Foreman taking down Frazier in Kingston. (DOWN GOES BLUM! DOWN GOES BLUM!) MAX: This is the first time I've ever been attracted to a woman. I want to put a baby in you! Dave, feeling guilt over sabotaging Alex, apologized for trying to teach Alex a lesson about being too impulsive and brought her out to the military obstacle course. Dave loved she was the impulsive one and he was the one who was grounded and thought things through. PENNY: When you saw, you tried to get Bar Mitzvah'ed. BRAD: You bought a timeshare in Tampa next to Alex's. PENNY: You bought 40 burner cell phones to make 40 dinner reservations. OK, so Dave wasn't all that grounded (DAVE: Leave the goatee out of it), but Dave had the dolphin Groupon ready. Alex and he just had to complete the waterlogged obstacle course. Yes, they didn't even get over the first wall and faceplanted themselves into the mud. But at least they had some company in the hospital. (JANE: Max, I am so, so sorry.) But at least Chase couldn't get to Max...only Chase was in the same hospital having slipped on a piece of pizza Max discarded and hit his head on the sidewalk. But before Chase went into the gates of paradise, he decided to come back and ruin the very existence that Max called a life. MAX: (shaking his head) That guy...is STILL SO COOL!
22Deuce Babylove 2: Electric Babydeuce
03 May 2013Description ▼
Penny's mom and Dave's dad were still dating a whole one year later. Dana and Big Dave celebrated with a Cruise, where Dana got up on stage and lost her top. Which made the third-largest crowd to ever see her hooters, behind the '92 Masters and the Robert Bork confirmation hearings. They were taking Dave and Penny to the "TV Robots Through the Ages" exhibit at the Museum of Science the next day (the collection includes ), and Brad and Jane going to a bris, there wasn't much for either Alex or Max to do, particularly Max, who was none too thrilled about being left alone on a Saturday. But it's probably a good thing, since the gang hangs out way too much for breakfast (only four or five times a week), drinks during the day (even workdays), and dinner and drinking every night. And maybe passing news on in person gets to be a bit much when you interrupt Jane's appointment at the gynecologist. Oh, Brad and Jane weren't attending a bris, much to Max's delight as he had been through two of his own already. They were heading out to a private tennis club. Conveniently leaving out the fact they wanted to have some alone time, they told Max they thought he would mock them, which he admitted. Max walks away, and Brad and Jane are glad Max doesn't want to tag along. Which is exactly what Max wanted them to think. But he and Alex weren't going to put up with that. They thought Brad and Jane were going to do rich people's stuff and leave the poor unwashed Max and Alex in the dust. It was revenge time. (ALEX: Yeah, let's show that 1% that the other 10% are just as good as they are!) They decide to pose as a yuppie couple (or a weak hipster version of one) and surprise Brad and Jane at the club. Needless to say, Brad and Jane are upset that Alex asked three different people if they had any Grey Poupon and Max looked like John McEnroe's fat cousin. They decide to settle it on the tennis court. Dave, Penny, and their parents get back from the exhibit and seeing the actual robot from (donated by ). Dana and Big Dave have some news. No, they're not getting married, much to Dave and Penny's disappointment. They're going to adopt a baby together. It might take a while for Penny and Dave to recover from that bombshell. (DAVE: My father's going to adopt a baby. I'm not going to be the baby anymore!) They thought their parents were too old to be adopting. (PENNY: I'm 30! How is a 30-year-old supposed to take care of a baby?) They decide to offer to babysit for one of their friends' kids and bring the little tyke around to prove to Dana and Big Dave that raising a kid is a nightmare. (No, it still hasn't clicked in.) Penny decided to put out a casting call to have a baby audition. And it's a sad statement on the city of Chicago that she could find 50 Toddlers & Tiaras wannabe crazy moms so quickly. And it worked. It took them all of two seconds to find the least-qualified mom and kid from Hell to use. AS for the tennis match, several balls to Max's groin, a dozen falls by Alex and one hot tennis outfit on Jane (rawr!) later (they even had an 80s music montage), and the match was over. And then Brad and Jane had to go and shove it in their faces. (Seriously, Jane shoved her @$$ right in Max's face, the one guy who would not be thrilled to see it.) The manager of the tennis club was not particularly impressed, and their membership was denied. Max and Alex explained they were afraid Brad and Jane were going to do rich stuff, like parties and hunting people for sport. But Brad explained they were looking to do something just as a couple and wouldn't leave them. Max tried to make up for it by getting them in the club. He failed, probably because getting buck naked was part of his plan. Dave and Penny's idea to kidnap a baby just to prove their parents are crazy for wanting to raise a kid was on. Of course, the baby took the opportunity to act like a total angel. Penny figures the baby will start crying if she cries herself, although Dave wonders how she can cry on cue. PENNY: (waterworks) What am I doing with my life? My mother's in a better relationship than I am! And I'm wearing a perfume by Shania Twain! DAVE: Wow, that was fast. PENNY: Well, it's sort-of queued up. You just have to hit play. Dave's demon voice didn't work either, and now the mother found them and knew something was up. Dana and Big Dave coming in right then and not knowing the plan didn't help, either, given Dana thought he was so cute they should just steal him. The lady was ready to call the cops, but once Dave and Penny came clean about what they were trying to do, Big Dave and Dana explained they were trying to adopt a child and their kids were freaking out about it. The mom understood that, but she was still going to call the cops, so Big Dave had to break out the wallet to get them off the hook. And since Dana and Big Dave were clearly not done raising Dave and Penny, they put the adoption on hold.
23Brothas & Sisters
03 May 2013Description ▼
It was a big day around the Kerkovich household. Jane and Alex's older sister, Brooke, is in town to get married, and Jane has to have everything perfect as the matron of honor. (Yeah, that's the reason.) Despite none of the gang ever having met her (except Penny, whom Brooke doesn't even remember), Jane always feels the pressure around her older sister. It's like Brooke becomes Jane and Jane becomes Alex, and Alex just gets to be the baby. (even had one of those candy pacifiers) Brad was stoked that there would be a second black man in the Kerkovich family he could talk to and watch in amusement as he went through all the awkward questions Brad did when he started dating Jane, such as if he knew. And Dave and Alex had some pressure of their own: they had to keep it quiet that they had broken up. Brooke and her fiance, Elliot, arrived at Brad and Jane's house, where Brooke instantly noticed the thin layer of dust from Jane not being as obsessive about cleaning as she was. Alex, on the other hand, got a bag of Chinese candy from Brooke, the kind where you can eat the wrapper. (ALEX: That'll save me so much time!) And she needed the seating arrangements perfect for the rehearsal dinner. Keep their mother away from the band so she would pretend it's karaoke night, hypoallergenic flowers only, and NO kids' table. Which went fine. Until Brooke criticized Jane laminating the seating chart. Jane explained it was in case anybody spilled anything, but Brooke thought it was tacky when people could just...not spill. That didn't sit well with Jane, who was getting despondent. And then the seating arragements got screwed up (yes, Mom was singing karaoke), and Jane got demoted to handing out programs at the wedding. Dave and Alex managed to keep their breakup a secret. Which of course meant Dave told Max and Alex told Penny. It doesn't take long for each of them to spill the big secret to each other...and to a very gossipy Kerkovich aunt. To cover themselves, they told a bigger lie: that Dave and Alex weren't breaking up, they were breaking ground for a new addition. Which suited the aunt just fine, because she hear a Kerkovich girl talking about pregnancy in the bathroom. The Kerkoviches can't keep secrets, and Alex's 'pregnancy' spread like wildfire. To fix it, Penny and Max told a bigger lie: that Brad and Jane were breaking up. That took about 30 seconds to get through the dinner, and it even expanded to Brad having a love child with some skank. As if Brad wasn't having enough problems with jealousy, since the Kerkoviches were welcoming Elliot with open arms and no awkward questions about his race. Even convincing a Kerkovich to ask Elliot if he knew Blair Underwood backfired, since Elliot really knew Blair Underwood. Although in a way, Dave did tell him he was like Jackie Robinson. Jackie's true legacy was paving the way for other blacks to join baseball; Brad paved the way for other blacks to join the Kerkovich family. The day of the wedding arrived and Jane was in quite a surly mood. So much so, she was fired from handing out programs and replaced by a podium. She put the programs down and got ready to stand up at the altar. And the programs caught on fire. Thankfully, Elliot was a volunteer firefighter and had the flames out in seconds. Now Brad was in quite a surly mood. As was Brooke, who couldn't get people to shut up about Alex's pregnacy or Brad and Jane's impending divorce, or...wait. These were all rumors. Started by Penny and Alex, which then made sense to everybody. MAX: Look, I had to change the news cycle, like when I told everybody that Penny was 53. PENNY: Oh, come on! Nobody gasps on that? Alex finally came clean and said she was breaking up with Dave. They had gotten stuck in their apartment thanks to some old wood and warm temperatures expanding that wood. And then they got stuck in their bathroom the same way. And then in the glass-enclosed shower. (That might have been some mildew.) Anyway, they talked about how they never really had rebound relationships after Alex left him at the altar and they realized they were each other's rebound relationship. Rather than try to force a bad relationship, they both agreed to just be friends. But the aunt definitely heard a Kerkovich girl talk about being pregnant. Turns out it was Brooke. She was having a shotgun wedding. Complete with the sprinkler system going off from all the smoke and heat. The ceremony was effectively ruined, but Brooke was able to admit Jane wasn't at fault for it. In fact, she admitted she was always tough on Jane because she knew Jane had unlimited potential and she would always be a colossal screw-up. That's why Brooke had to destroy her. Sure enough, Jane became a huge success and Brooke was proud of her. Besides, it was Max and Penny who really ruined it. (PENNY: She remembered by name!) Elliot thanked Brad for smoothing the way for him in the Kerkovich family, although knocking up Brooke out of wedlock was sure to get him grief. Or praise for providing the first Kerkovich grandchild. As for Dave and Alex, Alex thought it was her duty to hook Dave up with someone cute, but he decided he wanted to dance with his friend that night. All of his friends. And they danced together to 's For Once In My Life. See you next season! (hopefully)
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