1The Man and the Hour
After Dunkirk, coastal town Walmington-on-Sea's banker, Rotarian and alderman George Mainwaring, a commissioned 'veteran' without actual war experience, appoints himself commander of the local defense committee, with his bank staff, chief clerk Arthur Wilson and junior Frank Pike. They enroll town volunteers for the Local Defence Force, although mostly unfit and/or over the 55 age limit and almost no military supplies are available.
2Museum Piece
The LDV (future Home Guard) is still wanting for military supplies. So Mainwaring can't resists illegally 'requisitioning' anything of use in the Peabody Museum of Historical Army Weapo,s when it closes for the war. Alas its curator, lance corporal Jones's loony, mean 88 year-old father, puts up a crafty, tenacious defense. The loot proves worse then disappointing.
3Command Decision
Three weeks later, the L.D.V. still have no military equipment, so they improvised 'weapons' and concentrate on the intricacies of unarmed combat. Mainwaring faces a dilemma when estate squire Colonel Square, a Great war veteran, offers the platoon twenty rifles, provided he gets command. Unfortunately his idea of 'modern' warfare is converting them into cavalry, mounting circus horses he minds. The actual arms provide more surprises.
4The Enemy Within the Gates
Equipment is still mainly improvised, but the Home Guard platoon gets hostile inspections from Polish Forces captain Winogrodzki and the ARP warden. Jones, Pike and Walker, who is obsessed by the 1O pounds a head capture reward, stumble upon two shot-down German pilots, which they capture after accidentally killing a 'royal' swan, but guarding real Luftwaffe men proves no picnic either.
5The Showing Up of Corporal Jones
The uniforms finally arrive, albeit without buttons, and all other supplies remain a matter of 'improvisation'. Grim HQ inspector Major Regan thus scolds the stuff and the black market even before testing the men. STill, thanks to Wilson's instructions the platoon passes. However, Jones is over age, so he's fired unless he passes an obstacle course within 15 minutes, while nightly tests remain over two hours.
6Shooting Pains
Winston Churchill is to visit Walmington-on-Sea and there is rivalry between Mainwaring's outfit and the Eastgate platoon as to which of them will supply the guard of honour for him. The answer is simple - the unit which wins a shooting contest. Since Mainwaring's men are pretty hopeless salvation seems to lie in Laura La Plaz, a stage sharp-shooter of Walker's acquaintance, who has to be disguised as a man to take part. Fortunately Frazer comes to the platoon's aid, being a crack shot who wins the contest.
1The Armoured Might of Lance Corporal Jones
Mainwaring's lecture is a total mess on account of gas masks. To obtain rationed petrol, Joe convinces Jones to volunteer his butcher's van as platoon car. Alas, after they worked for days to make it fit for the platoon, HQ has it converted to gas. Meanwhile, to Mainwaring's snobbish horror, vulgar grocer Hodges makes his haughty entry as A.R.P. Chief Warden, and rival rooster in town and church hall.
2Battle School
It's Mainwaring's platoon's turn for a weekend of guerrilla warfare training at a rural facility. Thanks to train delay and the captain's disastrous sense of direction, they arrive late for dinner and sleep through breakfast. They do rather badly at survival course, but Mainwaring's determined to redeem their honor by attempting a challenge nobody ever pulled off: capturing the officer's HQ.
3The Lion Has Phones
Mainwaring gives the platoon a lecture in communications but when a German plane crashes into the town's reservoir it becomes obvious that many of the men have no idea how to use a telephone and, when Mainwaring gets through to the main exchange to notify the incident, the operator is no help. Whilst a guards officer attempts to take command of the situation from Mainwaring, Walker saves the day by getting the reservoir manager to open the sluices, forcing the Germans to swim for it.
4The Bullet Is Not for Firing
Mainwaring is extremely annoyed that all the platoon - except Godfrey, who was too slow - have used up all their ammunition firing in vain at a low-flying German aeroplane. An inquiry is ordered - along with a new case of ammunition, which duly arrives. The captain in charge of the inquiry, which takes place in the church hall in competition with choir practice, feels it a waste of his time but talks the men through what happened. Jones says he gave the order to shoot. Mainwaring corrects him by saying 'Fire', which the platoon does, making a hole in the roof.
5Something Nasty in the Vault
An unannounced bank inspector from head office is far from impressed by Mainwaring's bumbling while handling some minor cash deposit and black market matters with Jones and Walker. He gets really angry about the way military Home Guard considerations seem systematically to supersede bank interests. After an air raid alarm, an unexploded Nazi bomb is 'found' in the basement strong room and nearly made to explode by Mainwaring and Arthur. Bomb squad captain Rogers takes charge, but while he gets help, the men can't resist 'helping' themselves.
6Room at the Bottom
Sergeant Wilson secretly enjoys passing on HQ captain Bailey's finding that Mainwaring's captain's commission in the original local militia days is invalid, so he'll be reduced to lieutenant, as befits a platoon commander. When HQ concludes he's actually not even an NCO, he has to join the ranks under the Guard drill instructor he ordered himself. After the platoon's embarrassing failure at an exercise, everyone wants to have him reinstated, except Frazer, who smells opportunity.
7Big Guns
A large field gun has been delivered to the church hall for a demonstration by the platoon but none of them know how it works. After a process of trial and error using models to represent the town, the time comes for the gun to be fired but the men get tangled up in the netting enclosing it.
8The Day the Balloon Went Up
After Mainwaring complains that the men's saluting is sloppy a runaway barrage balloon appears with the verger clinging onto it. He is rescued and various people, including Godfrey's sister Cissie, are asked to hang onto it until Mainwaring takes charge. Unfortunately for him it takes off in the breeze with him holding onto the other end of its rope, dragging him through trees and a haystack until it stops on a railway bridge. The men are about to secure it but then an officer comes by and in order to perfect the saluting so beloved of Mainwaring they have to let go of the balloon.. .
9War Dance
Pike's work is suffering because he is distracted by his girl-friend Violet, whom Mainwaring regards as common as her mother used to clean for him. Furthermore at the upcoming platoon dance Pike is going to announce his engagement to her, which alarms Wilson as Mavis would never let her baby go. Mainwaring arrives at the dance with a black eye after a fight with his wife and, despite efforts by Jones - doing impressions - to stall Pike, the lad announces his big news. Mavis faints. Later she locks Wilson out of the house for not telling her of her son's plans and he joins Mainwaring, also shut out by his wife, in the church hall. Pike declares the engagement off after Mavis has thrown a bucket of water over him.
10Menace from the Deep
The platoon are on duty on a derelict pier, which they have reached by boat but, thanks to Pike's clumsiness, the boat has floated away, carrying their food. Hodges rows out to them in a children's boat to tell them to 'put that light out' and falls into the sea. Chocolate from a dispensing machine turns out to be a cardboard display but there is worse to come when a floating mine appears - though Hodges' bowling skills save the day when he blows it up.
11Branded
It is revealed that Private Godfrey was a Conscientious Objector in the First World war, leading Mainwaring and some of the platoon to brand him as a coward. However, during an exercise in which Mainwaring collapses with smoke inhalation, it is Godfrey who, at risk to himself, rescues him. When Mainwaring and the others go to visit Godfrey, recovering in bed, they see a photo of him with a military medal, won in the First World War when he was a brave stretcher bearer who saved many lives. Mainwaring is ashamed and asks Godfrey to be the platoon's official First Aid representative.
12Man Hunt
Walker has found a discarded parachute which he cut up to make ladies' knickers. This leads to an embarrassing examination of the ladies' pants to determine their colour as British parachutes are white and Germans are cream. Using a tracker dog the platoon go into the woods where they trap a man with a foreign accent - but he is an Austrian bird-watcher hunting the rare golden oriole. Eventually a German parachutist appears, asking to be arrested.
13No Spring for Frazer
During weapons inspection, Mainwaring scolds Frazer for losing a single spring, rendering the Lewis gun useless, and HQ has no spare parts, so even a court-martial may follow unless it's found. Frazer believes he left it is a coffin already delivered to the funeral parlor, where the men discover it's at Mr. Blewitt's surviving brother's home. The hilarious treasure hunt continues even after the burial.
14Sons of the Sea
When a bank client's debt means his rowing boat must be auctioned, Mainwaring can't resist acquiring it for platoon river patrols, however overstretched his men already are. Frazer supplements the nautical novice's Seascouts manual 'knowledge', and becomes the coxswain. But Mainwaring disregards all warnings, so they row through mist straight into sea. Hearing strange voices, they assume they are in Nazi-occupied France and hide, until they wake up in a moving train.
1The Big Parade
There is to be a parade through Walmington-on-Sea to commemorate Spitfire Week and, after watching a newsreel, the platoon decide it would be a splendid idea to have a mascot. Private Sponge farms sheep and the men try to catch his ram but it eludes them every time. Walker provides a goat but it is a skinny, pitiful creature which eats Mainwaring's five pound note. So there is no mascot for the parade, which turns into a race as the platoon, Hodges and his wardens, the verger and his Sea Scouts and the volunteer nurses all march faster and faster to be at the head of the procession until they all break into a run.
2Don't Forget the Diver
The platoon is to take part in an exercise to supposedly place a bomb in a windmill occupied by the Eastgate men. It is decided that, as the mill is by water, Frazer, in an ancient diving suit left him by a friend who died of the Dreaded Bends, will push Jones, disguised as a log, up to the mill, where Jones will discharge the 'bomb' and, thanks to clever decoy plans used to fool Square, Jones successfully makes it, only to get caught up on the windmill's sails.
3Boots, Boots, Boots
Dissent in the ranks follows after a foot inspection as a result of which Mainwaring decides the platoon need their feet toughening up and proposes bare foot football as well as a twenty mile route march. To prevent the march the men hatch a plan whereby they will go into the shoe shop from where Mainwaring has ordered his new boots and substitute a size smaller which will pinch his feet and put him off the idea of a long march. What they had failed to appreciate is that he already had a pair in his own size in for repair, which the shoe-maker returns to him before the march.
4Sgt - Save My Boy!
The platoon are on night watch in a hut by the beach waiting for Pike to bring their tea but Pike has got himself tangled up on barbed wire on the beach in the middle of a minefield. Whilst waiting for an engineer to come and free him, Mainwaring and Frazer mount a rescue attempt of their own, to be beaten to it by Godfrey. Pike is freed and when the engineer turns up he tells everyone that Pike was never in danger because the minefield was some two hundred yards further along the beach - though Jones knows better!
5Don't Fence Me In
The platoon is to guard a prisoner of war camp housing Italian soldiers and Mainwaring is suspicious because Walker seems rather too friendly with them. However Walker explains that he uses them as cheap labour to mend radios for his customers and they go backwards and forwards in and out of the camp via a tunnel which they have dug beneath the stove. When an inspection is called for and only half the prisoners are available Jones, who is doing the head count, makes them go round twice but the plan is rumbled when the missing half turns up.
6Absent Friends
On return from London Mainwaring is shocked to find that almost all of the platoon are playing in a darts tournament against Hodges and the air raid wardens, which they refuse to leave, despite losing. Wilson is not happy because Hodges has bought Mavis a drink and seems to be getting overly familiar with her. When a call comes through that a suspected I.R.A. terrorist is in the area, however, the men pull together - eventually - and Wilson proves to Mavis and the others that he is the hero of the hour.
7Put That Light Out!
Mainwaring fears the Nazis may send spies across the Channel, so he orders the lighthouse manned by lance corporal Jones, Pike, Godfrey and Frazer, who tells his mates a terrifying story. The trio accidentally starts the mechanism and is unable to shut it down, their attempts only make it worse until the mighty headlight points to town and the siren blows. On shore, the ARP goes berserk, especially when a Luftwaffe attack approaches, while Mainwaring, Wilson and Walker desperately try to find out how to get to their party without a boat or telephone line.
8The Two and a Half Feathers
An elderly ex-soldier called Clarke comes to join the platoon and, by coincidence, it turns out that he and Jones were in the same regiment in Sudan back in the 1890s. However he paints a picture of a cowardly Jones who left him to his fate when he was captured by Dervishes, and soon after Jones receives two feathers, signifying cowardice, through the post. The corporal then tells his story in a flashback where all the participants look like members of the present platoon. He and Clarke were indeed captured but he rescued Clarke and kept quiet about his affair with the colonel's wife. Mainwaring is satisfied with Jones's account but before he can confront Clarke, Clarke leaves town, returning his uniform.
9Mum's Army
After Mainwaring announces that women are to join the Home Guard several lady friends of the platoon come forward, as does Fiona Gray, an elegant, quietly-spoken widow who has brought her mother down from London to escape the bombs. Mainwaring is very taken by her and contrives to have morning coffee in a local tea-shop she regularly uses, where they are interrupted by various platoon members. They are seen out a lot together and Wilson tries in vain to tell Mainwaring that he is the subject of gossip. Fiona realizes this and so decides to return to London without telling Mainwaring, who arrives at the station in time to say goodbye to her.
10The Test
When the Home Guard platoon is challenged to a cricket match by the air wardens, Mainwaring appoints himself captain and gives the usual inept lecture to his team. They can only hope to make up, in effort, what they presumably lack in everything else, even uniform dress. Hodges, however, signs up as 'warden' - his secret weapon: star player Ernie C. Egan. The vicar and his unsympathetic verger prove unexperienced umpires. Oblivious of most men's obvious physical limitations, Mainwaring's 'brave' approach runs into a record disaster score. However Ernie strains his arm, so the wardens are a man down and the score starts equaling up.
11A. Wilson (Manager)?
Upstart Meanwaring is furious to learn that his chief clerk Arthur Wilson is leaving to become manager of the nearby branch of the bank in Eastgate, where HQ has also appointed him platoon commander with a promotion to Second Lieutenant. While everyone else congratulates the amiable gentleman, Meanwaring's jealous, socially inferior superior implies it's just the old boys network. He promotes Pike chief clerk, and orders him to copy for all platoon members a promotion to sergeant, meant only for Jones, but so phrased each thinks to get three stripes, creating a Mexican army version of platoon assembly. Alas the war shows its ugliest side.
12Uninvited Guests
Once more, the civic vicar's hospitality for both Home guard and ARP forces the rival corps' men to cohabit in the church. This time captain Mainwaring and chief warden Hodges even have to share the vicar's desk at the same time. Their men try everything to push the others away, and end up lighting the chimney so ineptly that the church tower catches fire, making it a prime air raid target. As that would render them the laughing stock of the county, they decide to put out the fire on their own, with their usual mixture of bravery and utter bumbling incompetence.
13Fallen Idol
The platoon gets its turn at weekend training, for a bomb course. Captain Square convinces Mainwaring that officers shouldn't sleep with the OR (other ranks) so he puts up blankets for him and Sergeant Wilson, just after he forbade the others to voluntarily 'spoil him'. Next Square insists a captain can't join his men in the canteen for beer, rationed to two pints for safety, which the men, especially Frazer, take for disloyalty. In the Officer's Mess Mainwaring naively volunteers to be 'made a cardinal', a rather cruel drinking game...
14Battle of the Giants!
Already peeved because Captain Square has drawn attention to the fact that he is the only member of the platoon not to have medals - except Pike, who has his scout's badges - Mainwaring is happy to take on the challenge of beating Square's Eastgate platoon in an initiative test, a race to an old tower where the winner is the first to fly their flag. Jones gets a touch of malaria whilst driving the van and Hodges deliberately stops them to give Eastgate the advantage, after which a stand-off on a narrow bridge leads to Hodges getting pushed into the river. The Walmington men are the first to the tower though Mainwaring accidentally pulls the rope off the flagpole and Jones, drunk on the tonic wine Godfrey gave him to cure his malaria, almost falls to his death. The Eastgate platoon are the first to unfurl a flag but it is the Walmington platoon's flag, giving Mainwaring's platoon victory. Afterwards Mainwaring learns from Walker how this came about.
1Asleep in the Deep
A bomb hits the gasworks where Godfrey and Walker are on duty and the platoon and Hodges go to rescue them from a small room in which Godfrey is asleep. Jones,who is in an outer chamber,slams the door,bringing the roof down and everyone except Jones is in the small room,which is rapidly filling with water. Eventually,after Hodges and Pike both get soaked,they escape from the cell, but,thanks to Godfrey shutting the door so that nobody catches a cold,they are till trapped in the building and Wilson has to wade through the water and out of the hatch to summon help.
2Keep Young and Beautiful
When the War Office plans a review of both Home Gurd and ARP in order to decide which less fitter soldiers of the first and less fitt of the second should be transferred to the other corps, the last thing either's men want, all tricks go to look younger viz. older. So after a field exercise proves the platoon's fitness is at best questionable, Meanwearing tries a terrible toupee, Wilson wears a corset, Frazer and Walker earn well from 'beautician' uses of frankly unsuitable substances.
3A Soldier's Farewell
The platoon are at the cinema watching a Greta Garbo film but only Mainwaring stands to attention for the NationalAnthem and gets knocked over by the others rushing for the exit. On the bus home they encounter Hodges,who is rude to the bus conductress. Mainwaring defends her but again gets knocked down as the men hurry to get off for last orders. After getting the men to stand for the anthem on parade next day - though Wilson accidentally plays the German anthem - Mainwaring falls out with his wife and has a toasted cheese supper with Wilson and Jones. He falls asleep in his air raid shelter and dreams that he is Napoleon, Wilson is Wellington and the conductress is Josephine. As in the events of the previous night he gets knocked over. When he wakes up his wife has left him a note to tell him off for not coming home.
4Getting the Bird
Rumours abound when Sergeant Wilson is seen with his arm around an attractive young woman in a WREN's uniform, causing an argument between himself and Mainwaring who catches him sleeping off a hangover in the church hall. Suddenly pigeons appear - Walker has got them to sell to Jones in the absence of other meat but he has yet to kill them, which he eventually does. However,a radio report reveals the disappearance of pigeons from Trafalgar Square,so he hides them in the organ loft and out they fly when Jones plays the organ. The young lady with Wilson is actually his daughter from a brief marriage.
5The Desperate Drive of Corporal Jones
Looking forward to his platoon participating in an exercise with live ammunition, the captain treats himself to an expensive overcoat and the men to one of his infernal lectures, this time on armed building intrusion. Jones finds out last minute that he and Godfrey, who took over a moment, messed up the position code halves, so the barn Meanwaring marched the men to is actually the artillery target. The only chance to save everyone is catching up in cars.
6If the Cap Fits....
After another of Mainwaring's long, creative 'vital' lectures, Jock is appointed spokesman to complain that the men have had enough of wasting their time. Mainwaring tries a suggestion from the manual: the troublemaker is to have a go at being an officer. 'Captain' James Frazer proves an even worse tyrant, demotes and promotes but impresses the new area commander, fellow Scotsman Major General Menzies. When everyone is back to their real rank, an invitation arrives, meant for Jock, who didn't mention the charade. The invite is to play the pipes with some men in the HQ haggis ceremony.
7The King Was in His Counting House
The platoon's first-ever private party, thrown by the captain at his disappointingly plain home, proves un-amusing. It's cut short anyhow by a bomb alert - a hit on his bank! The money is carried to the church, counted painstakingly with typical bumbling and tension then carried off, but the captain drives the horse cart with new disastrous consequences.
8All Is Safely Gathered In
The platoon finally got a fast-repeating gun, so Frank is obsessed to hold the 'Chicago piano' he is familiar with from gangster movies. The captain considers Mr. Godfrey mad for asking for three days off, until he finds out it's to help with a former lover's 100 acres wheat harvest. Unfortunately Jones is the only one who has a clue how the threshing machine works, so while Joe frolics with three useless farm girls the hilarious bumbling takes its toll, not in the least from ever over-enthusiastic Jones, who gets 'exposed
9When Did You Last See Your Money?
Jones has been entrusted with five hundred pounds by local shopkeepers but when he brings it to the bank he finds he has a pound of sausages instead. Frazer hypnotizes him into recalling when he last saw the money, apparently stuffing a chicken for Mr. Blewitt, but there is no money in the chicken. various suggestions as to its whereabouts are made until it is eventually found.
10Brain Versus Brawn
At a business community function, where both Wilson and Walker outshine him, captain Mainwaring accepts a challenge to prove his men are a match for the Home Guard's new, regularly trained, physically superior commando's. Their display of 'brains over brawn' should eliminate the commandos-guarded fuel depot by getting a fake bomb there. A far-fetched plan, dressed up as firemen, ends in the usual brave bumbling from the braves and the for once collaborating verger. Surprises come from a real fire and real brains.
11A Brush with the Law
Captain Square ridicules Mainwaring for the pitiful state of some of his men's rifles. The captain rudely denies it but internally blames it all on Wilson's lax inspection techniques and general poor style. Worse is to come when the A.R.P. have George Mainwaring formally charged for an un-obscured light emanating from the church where his platoon is. The verger warns Hodges it's a false accusation and the platoon rehearses their lie. Mainwaring defends himself and the presiding magistrate is none other than the still offended Square.
12Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel
In 1941 the War office decides to test an experimental invention for delivering explosives. For secrecy the test is done on the coast, using three local Home Guard platoons. Mainwaring's vanity is used to make him volunteer blindly for 'special duties', which turn out to be the dirty work. However the weapon gets away, following Frank's unlawful home-made radio, and only the bumbling bunch is in a position to stop it blowing up all Walmington on Sea.
13Time on My Hands
The platoon is called to seize a German pilot, who got stuck parachute-jumped on the bomb-damaged church hall tower clock. Getting him down is hard enough, given the language barrier. Then Jones manages to drop the ladder, the warden refuses to help. Even the clock's hourly knighthood fight display figures seems to remember it's German-made. Luckily, the vicar listened to fairy tales as well as Wilson.
1The Deadly Attachment
After a surreal lecture on telling allied parachutists from German ones, the platoon is ordered to pick up a stranded U-boot's crew. Wilson feels live hand-grenades are too dangerous for his hot-head mates and acts accordingly. As HQ's armed escort is late, the Kriegsmarine captain can first play mind-games by drafting a reckoning 'list', then take Hodges hostage.
2My British Buddy
After two and a half years the Americans have finally decided to enter the European war. Walmington-on-Sea gets to welcome an advanced party. The platoon organizes a welcome party. Given the rations and misunderstandings on both sides, however, tensions run high. Still, the alliance is vital, so fences must be mended from both sides.
3The Royal Train
Captain Mainwaring gathers his troops for the secretive reading of top-secret orders, concerning the passage -no actual stop- of the royal train. The mood darkens when everybody else seems in to the secret. Alas, a regular train breaks down before the royal train, and a pills mix-up knocks down its staff. The platoon's ill-considered protocol rescue attempt soon turns into a potential real disaster.
4We Know Our Onions
Vain Mainwaring is determined that his platoon should earn the full quota of 12 stars in a wacky test weekend. Captain Ramsey is in charge and increases the psychological pressure. The information that Wilson heard from another platoon works against them. Meanwhile the warden and the verger follow them because Jones' van still has an onions consignment for Hodges' grocery shop, which suddenly gains another importance.
5The Honourable Man
When it becomes known the death of an uncle made Arthur Wilson inheritance Honorable aristocratic title, all Walmington flatters and woes him. All except Meanwaring, whose jealous envy is all but noble. It gets worse when it's suggested he should let his honorable sergeant do the honors when the town is to honor a Soviet Russian war ally visitor with the 'freedom' in the form of a key. Vladimir in turn hardly honors his hosts, except one.
6Things That Go Bump in the Night
During a nightly patrol in terrible weather the platoon runs out of rationed petrol for Jones's van, so they decide to spend the night in an at first sight abandoned house. There Pike, who got drenched, must undress and put on a heraldic garment and, after an accidental fire complicates the hilarious sleeping arrangements all wet again, a bear rug. Frazer's ghost stories seem to come to life with footsteps once everybody is asleep, but it's just captain Cadbury, a military dog school administrator who lives here with the hounds in training. In the morning friendly Cadbury walks the men back, but is no use when the bloodthirsty half-trained canines get loose.
7The Recruit
Whilst Mainwaring is in hospital Sergeant Wilson is in charge. Following the speedy departure back to London of Walker,leaving only a note behind, Wilson decides to make up the platoon's numbers by allowing the vicar and the verger to join. Needless to say both of them are hopeless and the verger causes trouble by hitting a young lad who turns out to be Hodges' nephew. These new recruits are not in the Home Guard for very long.
1Everybody's Trucking
Even eager Lance Corporal Jones runs out of loyal patriotism as Captain Mainwaring keeps mishandling his lovingly spotlessly kept butchers' van. The vital mission 'to provide directions to a real Army convoy' is looking ever bleaker as Mainwaring keeps issuing idiotic orders instead of listening (in time) to better ideas from Wilson or even Pike. Passers-by like Hodges, the verger and the vicar's seniors club celebrating Mr. Blewitt's birthday, all suffer from plans B, C, D and so on. This only makes the crossroads the van is stuck at look like a bombed area and the convoy unreachable.
2A Man of Action
Despite Wilson's and Frazer's warnings, Mainwaring accepts to enlist local newspaper journalist Cheeseman as 'temporary' private. The very next phone call requires literal covering-up too: Pike's head is stuck in a gate. When German bombs knock out railway, water and gas supplies, the captain declares martial law, overruling all civil authorities. His rule under draconian penalties extends even to bath permits. Lifting it may take an act of God- or HQ.
3Gorilla Warfare
Mainwaring complains about a man's 'sissy' appearance and luggage during a briefing on a training mission. He'll play a secret agent to be guarded anonymously, while HQ sends equally secret counter agents to identify and catch him. So all civilians are mistrusted or ignored, including a military experiment researcher's warning for an escaped gorilla. The (fake) ape certainly makes a monkey of the verger and the warden, who are determined to betray the platoon. The battle of daft wits continues.
4The Godiva Affair
As part of Walmington's patriotic effort to finance a Spitfire, the platoon practices Morris (spring fertility) dancing. It's sissy to Scotsman Frazer's taste, except wielding the whiffling stick like a club, which upsets Jones. His nerves suffer because his sweetheart, lively widow Mrs. Fox, now accepts attention from old town clerk Gordon. At Jones' request the captain is going to talk to her. Alas that starts new suspicions. Things worsen when Fox auditions for the part of Lady Godiva, in fleshings, which stirs jealousy from the platoon's ladies.
5The Captain's Car
Captain George Meanwaring is delighted when widowed Lady Maltby offers his Home Guard platoon first choice, over Mr. Hodges's A.R.P. Wardens, for the use of her Rolls Royce while she can't get rationed petrol anyway. Its first appearance would be the high-profile visit of a French general who will pin up decorations. To jealous snob Mainwaring's green envy, his bright but unassertive sergeant Arthur Wilson, a warmly greeted relative of the lady who doesn't even notice his name or rank, is also asked by H.Q. to write and deliver the welcome speech for the general, as he alone masters French. To turn it into a proper staff car, the Rolls must be camouflaged; on the way to the paint shop the lady's driver runs out of petrol at the town hall, so he calls and Frank drags uncle Arthur along with petrol 'commandeered' from Hodges's sidecar. The captain believes them unable and sends the platoon to tow the Rolls; Frazer smells a profit in doing the paint job for less in his funeral establishment, but from then on things go spectacularly wrong...
6Turkey Dinner
After demonstrating how not to tell a joke, captain Mainwaring isn't amused to hear how his men not only 'visited' all the pubs but accidentally shot a turkey. Finding the owner of the bird in order to pay damages proves ultimately impossible, so the men decide to put their ill-gotten gains to charitable use: a dinner for the senior pensioners. Mainwaring chairing a general purposes committee is a recipe for lengthy and loud proceedings about who does what and how. The dinner still goes well, apart from grumpy ingratitude, and a nasty surprise for Mainwaring, who is Rotary guest speaker later that evening.
1Ring Dem Bells
The Walmington on Sea Home Guard is excited to be selected to 'act' in a army film, but when it becomes clear they'll play Nazis and how unkind the camera could be, captain Meanwaring refuses 'patriotically' to participate; Frank and Arthur are chosen as German officers. The whole 'cast' is to travel in Jones's butchery van on a hot day, only to be told their scenes are delayed. Against orders, they leave in costume for drinks in a bar, where the landlord is convinced they are enemy troops and informs the warden, who passes the panic message on to the police and the local Home Guard headquarters in church, where he finds only vicar and verger, who help him ring the bells as invasion alert...
2When You've Got to Go
Despite his mother's advice to get out of service, Pike proudly announces he passed the medical for the real army's recruitment, and he's to become an RAF Airman. Meanwhile Mainwaring is jealous of Hodges's promise to raise 50 pints in the town's blood drive just to get a fancy certificate, so he rashly pledges 100, despite Wilson's warning, but finds the platoon's health and Hodges's promise of onions leave his team at three! At the last minute, Jones and Frazer bring most surprising 'reinforcements'. Now everybody feels they've earned celebrating with the fish and chips 'surprise' party for Frank's departure, but he willingly withheld a surprise result of his blood donation..
3Is There Honey Still for Tea?
Three months after the bomb on the bank, Mr. George Mainwaring makes a terrible fuzz about the 'undignified' standard government-issue new door for his office, even before it becomes clear the tar paper is also fragile rubbish, ruined within minutes. Alas an early visitor, the Home Guard Colonel, brings a worse concern: Defense is building a new aerodrome for the RAF, and the idyllic cottage Mr. Godfrey lives in with his sisters Dolly and Cissy must be demolished to make room for it, the platoon is asked to break the news before the official notice. A visit from Mainwaring, Arthur and Pike is most enjoyable, tea and home-made refreshments in the sort of country garden with blooming roses 'just what we are fighting for', but neither has the heart to tell their generous hosts' tiny ancestral paradise is doomed. Now Godfrey's contemporaries are to tell the Nestor, during guard duty, but Frazer only contributes 'Jones had bad news for you'; Godfrey however surprises him- the notice already arrived. Yet Frazer has the biggest surprise, which none of the others is told about, even while they all help the Godfrey family move, because of a deceptive Scottish politician...
4Come In, Your Time Is Up
In preparation for a bivouac weekend, captain Meanwaring gives a lecture, in the vicar's garden as the indoor church premises are spoken for, so the gardener bothers the vicar, who prepares his sermon, about the Home Guardsmen behaving 'improperly'. After lessons in hedgehog-cooking in mud -poor Pike!- putting up two-man tents without making holes in the lawn -poor Pike, Jones and tent- and starting a fire, actually trying not to light it -poor Pike and lawn- it's off to the field. Alas, Mr. Hodges cheerfully gave a lift to vicar, verger and their troop op Sea Scouts to man a Pirates raft (for the Spitfire fund), running out of petrol so he has to sleep in his van, more undesired neighbors for Meanwaring. The three Nazi crewman of a German bomber -spotted at night by Frazer- have parachuted down into the river, so once they're detected in the morning Hodges, the only one to speak German, is commandeered at the point of Jones's bayonet to join the RAF-commandeered raft for two rather too watery attempts to capture the 'swines' from their inflated dingy...
5High Finance
Mr. George Mainwaring feels his local bank branch can no longer honor Mr. Jones's checks because his account has a five months arrear reaching £50. After hours the 'financial genius' trio goes trough the shambles that passes for his butchery bookkeeping, but only when the half platoon has assembled in the vicar's office for a 'private' consultation Jones pulls the problem out of his pocket: he is owned £50 by the orphanage, and that's just the last link in a chain of debts and dues, with an extra creditor lurking around when half the village has assembled in church on Meanwaring's summons...
6The Face on the Poster
Mainwaring scolds sergeant Wilson for his 'unmanly general appearance' because HQ is considering to upgrade his platoon to company, which could get them promoted. So he eagerly sets about planning a recruiting campaign to triple their manpower. The men decide on a poster, sausages on the proud 'macho' model: lance corporal Jones. As photographer Bluett is even older, posing proves a delicate business. However the overworked printer does worse, mixing Jones's mugshot up with one for an escaped POW. Meanwaring's arrogant approach to reclaim his man makes things much worse still.
7My Brother and I
Captain George Mainwaring berates Frank for writing a humorous draft magazine article on the Home Guard, especially because it mentions drinking. Next he 'volunteers' the platoon to host a sherry party for Home guard officers. His haughty attitude is duly dimmed when his brother Barry, a party toys salesman, arrives by train, who reveals their humble roots.
8The Love of Three Oranges
The vicar holds a charity bazaar, the proceeds going to luxuries for the troops. Godfrey tries to sell his home-made wine but people are getting drunk by tasting and not buying it. Mrs. Mainwaring fails to turn up after an accident with the bath enamel but donates some hideous lamp-shades she has made. Hodges contributes three oranges and Mainwaring is anxious to secure one for his wife but when Wilson gets Pike to buy it for the captain, the two end up bidding against each other and raising the price of the orange. Mainwaring finally buys it only to find it is a bitter orange, for marmalade-making.
1Wake-Up Walmington
His Lordship's butler Perkins makes Captain Mainwaring lose a shooting bet by telling them to stop target practice while his master is asleep. Captain Mainwaring agrees with the platoon's bitter rival warden Hodges that their contribution to the war effort needs more local respect. He accepts a suggestion to simulate a fifth column attack together. The Colonel at HQ reluctantly allows "Operation Wake-Up" so they all dress up as cutthroats and desperadoes. After being ignored by an active army column and three equally shifty-suited men, their only comfort is that Hodges gets a "knuckle-sandwich" by a burly disgruntled customer (who recognized the entire bumbling lot). However Godfrey, while indisposed in the toilet of vicar's office, overhears Captain Square (Mainwaring's trigger-happy rival) on the telephone believing that the desperadoes are real.
2The Making of Private Pike
Captain Mainwaring's reservations to accept the 'non-combatant' role of umpire in maneuver exercises (as deputy for the Home Guard colonel) quickly disappear when he learns the job comes with a non-assigned staff car. His platoon might be allowed to keep this car, but he makes the mistake of bragging in advance it would be some sort of limousine, so the less grand model gets him generally laughed at. Next Jones' remarks about military car seating etiquette starts an unmusical dance of chairs in it. Pike's eagerness to be allowed in it as runner and general boyish pride are irresponsibly stirred by warden Hodges's niece Sylvia, a regular army driver and the only girl to look at him in times, who besots him to go to the pictures and makes him take the car, ignoring Jones didn't put the petrol in.
3Knights of Madness
As part of a fund-raising pageant the Home Guard decides to put on a patriotic version of St. George and the dragon, with the dragon representing Naziism. Mainwaring is St. George in a suit of armour that causes him no end of trouble but, come the big day, they discover that Hodges and the air raid wardens are also staging a tableau of George and the dragon, which leads to an inevitable fight.
4The Miser's Hoard
Doctor McCeavedy, who signals undertaker Frazer deaths, accidentally discovers his life savings, hundreds of sovereigns, and tells Mainwaring the scrooge should be persuaded to put the fortune in safety. The captain's lecture on money in wartime, after Jones' ludicrous demonstration of fixing bayonets while wearing a gas mask, fails to secure the banker a fat annuity commission, he's even called not trustworthy. However the rumor soon spreads, so after half of Walmington beleaguers Frazer in vain for generosity that never comes, he misses his first parade ever to 'secure' his gold, so they all try to spy where he would bury it at night.
5Number Engaged
Captain Mainwaring gives a 'top secret lecture on the coastal defense warning system his platoon will guard for a weekend, only to learn even the warden knows. Trouble with Jones' van makes them late to relieve regular troops; they set up camp and have porridge in their bumbling fashion. After a nightly air raid, the vicar comes to say mass. Only then do they see a German bomb, caught in the very wires they guard. Getting it down is a job the GPO turns down, but Mainwaring and other old-timers volunteer themselves, all failing, while wisely reluctant Frank is forced to try more unwise monkey-methods.
6Never Too Old
At long last Corporal Jones is marrying Marcia Fox. He asks Mainwaring's permission as his commanding officer,which involves the captain being caught over the phone by his wife having coffee with Mrs. Fox and viewing her smalls on the clothes-horse. The nuptials go ahead - with a jam sponge beneath the exotic fake wedding cake - but the platoon are summoned to the promenade where eventually the new Mrs. Jones joins them and everyone drinks a health to the Home Guard.
